i love being under the influence.

so this weekend was amazing, despite me coming out of it COMPLETELY COVERED in mosquito bites.
we rolled at the beach.
if you do x and you havent ever done it at the beach, i highly recommend it. the water was rippling to the bass of the music, there were clouds everywhere, and everything was spinning. i walked in the water, and sat in the sand, i spun in circles and laughed.
it was amazing.
but even more than that, i really enjoyed spending time with mathew. apparently we are back together. he kisses me, and holds my hand now.
we sat in my car on saturday night, at the beach, in the heat, away from the swarms of mosquitos, and just held each other and listened to eachother breathe.
it was...the way ive always wanted to feel with another person.
and then there was yesterday,
oh...em...gee...
i decided since we had 7 x pills left that i wanted to do more right before i went to work.
so i popped one.
and rolled my ass off my whole shift.
i cleaned and stocked absoloutely everything.
and i was feeling so good by the time got home that i just layed in my bed with my blacklight and listened to old rock music and rolled my eyes back into my head.
because im a complete hippie like that.
i love being under the influence.
okay, and the entire weekend all i consumed was 4 chicken burritos, and half a can of soup.
in 3 days.
and i didnt even finish my chicken burritos, i ended up giving mathew most of them.
didnt even think about food for most of the weekend.
when you're rollin that's the last thing you're thinking about.

he broke up with me but im still his girlfriend?

good morning ladies.
thought i would start off with my intake for the rest of yesterday
i ate:
8 oz orange juice- 50 cals
4 oz slim fast- 80 cals
1/2 taco salad (no shell)- 100 cals
today, so far, ive had 2 bites of a koloche and 1/2 bottle of orange juice (mathew finished off what i didnt eat, boys are like garbage disposals)
so...were "broken up" but he still hangs out with me after school, and hugs and kisses me, he went to my house to see me last night, we went to the store for a diet coke and sat in my car and shared a wine flavored black and mild and just talked for a while.
he called me last night,
"amy...."
"what?"
"i want you to touch yourself for me."
i thought he was joking with me for a while.
then he started to breathe all hard and heavy, and we had phone sex.
twice.
and this morning?
i picked him up, he's walked me to all of my classes, and hugs me tight right before he lets me go.
he doesnt kiss me at school anymore, or hold my hand, but he nudges my arm with his elbow until i get the hint to loop my arm through his.
i really like him.
anyway, i looked in the mirrior this morning. and already i feel sooooooo much better about myself.
everyone be proud of me! lol.
so i talked to dylon last night.
he's talking about how one day, he thinks there might be a chance that we can get back together.
my thoughts?
if i had a choice between him and mathew, i would pick mathew.
i think i like where we are right now.
just...hanging out.
okay everyone, big party at the beach tomorrow!
theres gonna be a lot of drinking.
i cant wait.
cant wait to be numb for a little while.
i asked mathew last night
"is it like you said? is it just another relationship?"
he replied "not really...and by not really i mean not at all."
okay, now to answer that comment.
i think it was...lina?
a koloche is a lot like a pig in a blanket, a piece of sausage wrapped in a roll and filled with cheese.
they taste amazing, but there insanely bad for you.
thats why i gave it all to mathew =)
yesterday, when we were cleaning out my car at a convenience store, he saw one of his teachers, and she said "mathew, what are you doing?"
he replied with "cleaning out my girlfriends car"
he broke up with me but im still his girlfriend?
im confused...if he wasnt so adorable then i would be mad...
but i cant resist his eyes!
i wanna post a picture of him soooo bad.
ill try to take a good one of him this weekend and see if i can get it up. mkay?
mkay.
i think im gonna go read and comment all the blogs i can get to.
im done writing.
love everyone!
think thin ladies!!!
xoxoxoxoxo
amybear <3 (im using amybear again because dylon and i are no longer angry at eachother)

thinking i might start posting my daily food intake again.

i woke up at 7
and it is now 11
and all ive had is about 4 oz of orange juice- about 45 calories.
said no to the koloche my art teacher offered! or however you spell it koloche.
i want to gain my self control back sooooooooo bad.
wish me luck?

my broken little heart jumped for joy.

so im a dumbass...
i broke up with dylon for the possibility of finding love a little closer to home.
i cheated on him with with mathew.
i gave up a lot for mathew.
and then....last night...
he broke up with me.
"did you honestly think it was gonna last forever? it's just another relationship"
he said that to me...
it wasnt the fact that he broke up with me...
it was the way he acted like he didnt care hat i had given up so much for him.
the love of my life.
i wasted gas money and time on him.
and he doesnt even seem to give a shit.
"i want to be friends" he said to me.
so guess what my dumbass did?
went to pick him up for school this morning.
he walked up to me, and rubbed my back. and he's been giving me these really tight hugs all day.
do you do that to a friend?
im so confused.
maybe i just miss the sex...
i dont know.
i wish i wasnt so stupid... that i didnt get all caught up so fast. i wish i didnt tend to fall so hard.
i called dylon last night after mathew broke up with me...and he talked to me.
and he told me that i was too good for that guy anyway.
and we talked for a while.
it was...amazing.
and then...right before i went to sleep...
i got a text message
"<3"
from dylon.
my little broken heart jumped for joy.
i dont have anything left in me.
im just...tired.
suicide seems like such an easy way out when you cant seem to handle everything else.
anyone got any tips on how to kill myself the right way?
-sigh-
better get going.

still feel disgusting...

okay, so today is wednsday.
been eating like a cow all week.
still fat.
still feel disgusting.
i was under the impression that mathew and i were going to spend the evening together, alone yesterday.
but...that's not what happened.
we ended up doing the same thing that we have been doing for a month now.
picking people up, smoking weed, and dropping people off.
only this time it was many many people.
im starting to think that maybe i should take a picture of everyone who gets into the car, and turn them into a collage.
think thin ladies!

no condom.

been eating like a complete pig lately. ive gained 4 pounds.
this week hasnt gone very well so far.
im failing algebra, so im not sure if im going to be able to graduate on time.
i have no money for prom night.
and im going crazy.
i showed up at mathew's house today all ready to be ravaged.
we start going.
he took off his pants...
and looked on his shelf...
no condom.
i was disappointed to say the very least.
so i have FOUR MATH CLASSES A DAY NOW.
This school is so fucking retarted.
it's one credit.
and theyre gonna let it keep me from graduating?
ive tried really hard in that damn class.
i hate school.
cant wait to graduate.
gonna stop babbling now.
oh!
got my nails done yesterday...
probably wont do it again.
i dont like it very much.
waisted money.

"hola, this is amy, leave me a message"

hey everyone.
so it's been a crazy week.
underclassmen had these state issued tests all week so the seniors only have to attend today for attendance reasons. we've basically just been watching movies.
dating a 16 year old is harder than i could have imagined, we got into our first big fight on sunday:
i got off of work at about 7 sunday morning, and i decided i would give him a call, i wake him up, and we call a couple of more people, his brother, a friend of ours, and kristen, a friend of mine. we head out to the beach, we drive around, and were having a good time, we go back to kristen's house and hang out there.
i spent the whole day with him,
and then the unthinkable happens...
dylon calls.
and what do i do?
my dumb fat ass answers. and talks to dylon for 10 minutes.
he misses me, and his sister is in the hospital with cancer in her leg...they may have to amputate.
so for the whole drive home, mathew and i have a huge screaming fight in the front seat of the car, right in front of his little brother, and another person.
and lately...it just hasnt been the same.
we dont spend any time alone... just me and him.
we dont ever have time to talk.
we dont go on real dates.
nothing.
its just me...and mathew...and at least one other person hanging out all the time.
the only time were alone is when were having sex, which is way less often here lately. and right after that it's right back to hanging out with other people.
he's never taken me anywhere nice
and i pay for EVERYTHING.
oh, and this morning, when i went to pick him up for school. another girl, a girl who just broke up with her boyfriend, a girl he used to date, walked out of his front door right after him.
"hey baby, can you give her a ride too"
what the hell?!?!?!
then there's natalie...a girl mathew has known for 8 years, a girl he's driving 30 miles away to see by himself on monday...without me.
how the hell would he feel if i decided i was gonna hang out with some guy he didnt know?
i miss dylon so much.
he called me last night and left me a voicemail. "im sorry you had to deal with me while i wasnt really sure who i was. im sorry."
i want to talk to him so badly.
he kind of laughed at my voicemail "hola, this is amy, leave me a message"
he said "haha hola amybear"
i wish i could upload it onto the computer from my ghetto ass little phone.
havent eaten anything so far.
more later.
love you all!!
think thin ladies.
xoxoxo
amybear?