Sorry I’ve been MIA for a while now. I had this insane, crazy, unbelievable spring break. Forget about eating, all I did was drink and smoke. We spent every day last week fucked up. My mom finally decided it was time to go to the hospital the Friday before spring break and so I spent all of spring break with the apartment to myself. The party continues until she comes home about two weeks from now. You can believe that I will be spending the next two weekends fuuuuuuuuuucked uuuuuuuuuup. The only downfall of having the apartment all to myself is the fact that it gets so unbelievably lonely…
For the past few nights, Dylon and I have talked on the phone from 9p to 4a. he stays with me on the phone until I fall asleep. He makes me feel so complete…I told him that I don’t know what I would be doing to fall asleep if It wasn’t for him. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at all. Last night he sat on his laptop, and played me music from his project playlist while I fell asleep. He didn’t even care that I snore. I don’t know what I would do without my amazing boyfriend. Waaaaaaaaaaay too much shit has gone down over the past 2 weeks to sit here and type. My effing fingers would fall off. Im trying to stay inebriated, and haven’t been eating hardly at all. I have trouble waking up for school, and I get extremely lonely at night. I will be continuing this party until the time that my mom arrives home to me.
Okay, girlies
Stay strong
I love you all
Mmmwuah!
Xoxoxo
Amybear <3
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
im baaaack. =)
ugh.
i turned 18 friday, and i dont remember any of it. lmao.
got waaaaaaaay too messed up.
and didnt sleep for more than 2 days.
it was great.
i had phone sex with dylon a grand total of 6 times yesterday.
i dont know what it was with him,
but he wouldnt leave me alone.
at last, once it was about 2:30 in the morning (4 hours until i had to get up for school)
we had phone sex one last time and then he started to fall asleep on the phone.
i really love the way he breaths when he's sleeping.
deep, and slow, and really calm.
anywho.
i havent eaten anything so far today,
probably only consumed 1000 calories over the past 4 days.
when one has vodka, one needs nothing else. (except marijuana!)
funny thing is, i dont get the munchies anymore.
anywho, im back now.
back with a vengance.
hope you all missed me
because i missed you all.
much love
stay strong
mmmwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear<3
i turned 18 friday, and i dont remember any of it. lmao.
got waaaaaaaay too messed up.
and didnt sleep for more than 2 days.
it was great.
i had phone sex with dylon a grand total of 6 times yesterday.
i dont know what it was with him,
but he wouldnt leave me alone.
at last, once it was about 2:30 in the morning (4 hours until i had to get up for school)
we had phone sex one last time and then he started to fall asleep on the phone.
i really love the way he breaths when he's sleeping.
deep, and slow, and really calm.
anywho.
i havent eaten anything so far today,
probably only consumed 1000 calories over the past 4 days.
when one has vodka, one needs nothing else. (except marijuana!)
funny thing is, i dont get the munchies anymore.
anywho, im back now.
back with a vengance.
hope you all missed me
because i missed you all.
much love
stay strong
mmmwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear<3
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
UGLY FAT DISGUSTING PIG.
goddamn.
all i can fucking do is eat.
im a worthless piece of shit who can only think about herself.
and im a disgusting fucking fat slob.
i'll never be beautiful.
i log on and get to read posts about how all of you are doing so well.
and all i can think about is "where the hell did my willpower go?"
i cant stop making excuses for myself.
i hate my body.
how does dylon even look at me?
is he blind?
all i can fucking do is eat.
im a worthless piece of shit who can only think about herself.
and im a disgusting fucking fat slob.
i'll never be beautiful.
i log on and get to read posts about how all of you are doing so well.
and all i can think about is "where the hell did my willpower go?"
i cant stop making excuses for myself.
i hate my body.
how does dylon even look at me?
is he blind?
Thursday, February 26, 2009
just another thursday?...or is it only wednsday?
hmmm...
anywho....
havent eaten anything yet today, but i am getting hungry...should i eat? or just leave it as is?
i dont even know anymore...
im between who i was and who i want to be.
i know i dont want to be who i was.
ever ever again.
i will literally kill myself before i get that fat again.
i was walking with my ex girlfriend in the hallway about an hour ago, and i was squeezing the fat rolls on my stomach.
she looked at me and said "what are you doing? you're not squeezing anything, there's hardly anything there to squeeze"
and then she tickled me.
lmao.
anyway, so...my mom agreed to go to the hospital last night. we're setting up an appointment for next tuesday.
because im off of school.
but she says that before we do that im going to have to help her take a bath.
and yesterday i had to empty out the bucket that she pees in because she cant stand up long enough to walk to the bathroom.
shes not even 53 yet.
why do things like this happen to such young people?
things like this are the reasons why my belief in god is very...tested.
im not sure what to believe in anymore.
anyway,
i want to thank all of my lovely followers that have taken the time out of their days to comment me, it means more than you know at this point in my life. i greatly appreciate it.
i love you all
i bid thee farewell
until it be morrow
mwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear<3
anywho....
havent eaten anything yet today, but i am getting hungry...should i eat? or just leave it as is?
i dont even know anymore...
im between who i was and who i want to be.
i know i dont want to be who i was.
ever ever again.
i will literally kill myself before i get that fat again.
i was walking with my ex girlfriend in the hallway about an hour ago, and i was squeezing the fat rolls on my stomach.
she looked at me and said "what are you doing? you're not squeezing anything, there's hardly anything there to squeeze"
and then she tickled me.
lmao.
anyway, so...my mom agreed to go to the hospital last night. we're setting up an appointment for next tuesday.
because im off of school.
but she says that before we do that im going to have to help her take a bath.
and yesterday i had to empty out the bucket that she pees in because she cant stand up long enough to walk to the bathroom.
shes not even 53 yet.
why do things like this happen to such young people?
things like this are the reasons why my belief in god is very...tested.
im not sure what to believe in anymore.
anyway,
i want to thank all of my lovely followers that have taken the time out of their days to comment me, it means more than you know at this point in my life. i greatly appreciate it.
i love you all
i bid thee farewell
until it be morrow
mwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear<3
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
overweight...
sitting in art class, listening to blue october, and waiting for the day to be over. think im might stop off for lunch somewhere here within the next few hours....or just go get a pack of cigarettes or something. i really could use a cigarette.
im getting my nose pierced here within the next couple of days.
im gonna have the whole artsy, drug addict, eating disordered, kind of painter thing going for me.
i think dylon really likes that.
i told him that i have a thing for skinny guys with bags under their eyes.
he said "guess what, sweetie, you found one!"
lmao.
we had this...amazing phone sex, it was almost like we were...really together....i could really feel him inside of me. i could really feel his hands on my hips...squeezing...touching....holding...sweating....mhmm.....
i fall in love with him a little more every night.
i really dont know what i would do without him...
we were talking about names last night.
i was talking about how if i change my first name, then i wouldnt be "amybear" anymore. and he said that i would always be his amybear.
and then he said "maybe one day...maybe one day...you'll be amybear Beeson..."
Beeson is Dylon's last name...
it would be a dream come true to have dylon's last name...
anywho....ive still been eating like a cow.
and i need somebody's motivation, somebody's help...
if anyone can or wants to help me, it would be amazing.
anywho...
i think im done posting for now.
think thin!!
mwuah!!!
xoxoxo
amybear<3
im getting my nose pierced here within the next couple of days.
im gonna have the whole artsy, drug addict, eating disordered, kind of painter thing going for me.
i think dylon really likes that.
i told him that i have a thing for skinny guys with bags under their eyes.
he said "guess what, sweetie, you found one!"
lmao.
we had this...amazing phone sex, it was almost like we were...really together....i could really feel him inside of me. i could really feel his hands on my hips...squeezing...touching....holding...sweating....mhmm.....
i fall in love with him a little more every night.
i really dont know what i would do without him...
we were talking about names last night.
i was talking about how if i change my first name, then i wouldnt be "amybear" anymore. and he said that i would always be his amybear.
and then he said "maybe one day...maybe one day...you'll be amybear Beeson..."
Beeson is Dylon's last name...
it would be a dream come true to have dylon's last name...
anywho....ive still been eating like a cow.
and i need somebody's motivation, somebody's help...
if anyone can or wants to help me, it would be amazing.
anywho...
i think im done posting for now.
think thin!!
mwuah!!!
xoxoxo
amybear<3
Monday, February 23, 2009
going a little crazy...
here's a post from 2/20
Okay,
Ya’ll have been posting like crazy all day. I’ve been trying to go through and read all of your blogs and everything so that at least I can comment.
Im trying to find the time between art, dylon, work, school, and school work.
My life is so hectic right now, and dylon is demanding so much of my time it’s ridiculous.
We’re trying to fix things.
Okay…
So it’s now 10:43 a.m. on Friday, February 20, and I haven’t eaten since 6:15 yesterday evening.
I’m starting to get hungry…
Maybe I like this feeling.
Anywhoooo.
Been working like crazy on my art. Pushing out one piece after another.
Ive finished and matted 3 in the past 2 days.
Yay!!
I think that throwing myself into my art makes it easier to not think about food.
Im a diet pill junkie.
And I never thought that I would be that way,
Like…If I didn’t have my bottle of hydroxycut, I think I might go crazy.
I wanted to change that
Or at least I thought I did
But I really don’t think that I do.
I mean, it’s something that I do, something that I like doing.
I like adrenaline high I get off of taking them…
Like…my heart is pounding, my head is racing, and I have these bursts of energy.
Not to mention, the thought of food makes me want to throw up.
Im getting fat again.
And I don’t like it
Not one bit
Haven’t weighed myself in a while.
Going to go get a maximum strength colon cleanser.
And spend the entire weekend on the toilet.
Maybe it’ll help me lose!!
Lol.
Anyone have any suggestions for quick weight loss supplements that I can look into?
Need to look good for next weekend.
Lemme know.
Love you all to death.
Xoxoxo
Mwuah!
Amybear<3
Okay,
Ya’ll have been posting like crazy all day. I’ve been trying to go through and read all of your blogs and everything so that at least I can comment.
Im trying to find the time between art, dylon, work, school, and school work.
My life is so hectic right now, and dylon is demanding so much of my time it’s ridiculous.
We’re trying to fix things.
Okay…
So it’s now 10:43 a.m. on Friday, February 20, and I haven’t eaten since 6:15 yesterday evening.
I’m starting to get hungry…
Maybe I like this feeling.
Anywhoooo.
Been working like crazy on my art. Pushing out one piece after another.
Ive finished and matted 3 in the past 2 days.
Yay!!
I think that throwing myself into my art makes it easier to not think about food.
Im a diet pill junkie.
And I never thought that I would be that way,
Like…If I didn’t have my bottle of hydroxycut, I think I might go crazy.
I wanted to change that
Or at least I thought I did
But I really don’t think that I do.
I mean, it’s something that I do, something that I like doing.
I like adrenaline high I get off of taking them…
Like…my heart is pounding, my head is racing, and I have these bursts of energy.
Not to mention, the thought of food makes me want to throw up.
Im getting fat again.
And I don’t like it
Not one bit
Haven’t weighed myself in a while.
Going to go get a maximum strength colon cleanser.
And spend the entire weekend on the toilet.
Maybe it’ll help me lose!!
Lol.
Anyone have any suggestions for quick weight loss supplements that I can look into?
Need to look good for next weekend.
Lemme know.
Love you all to death.
Xoxoxo
Mwuah!
Amybear<3
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