okay, so here's my post from yesterday:
2/10/09
Okay…
So the weekend was uneventful. Trying to get back on track with my eating. Have lost four pounds in the past 3 weeks though, so I’m pretty happy about that. Been working and going to school. Spent a lot of the weekend talking to Dylon on the phone. I was so sure that we were close to our end after he told me about Eric, and after we had those arguments, seriously, this whole past week, we were arguing and fighting about just little stupid shit, not even anything serious. I skipped all day on Friday, and we went to see that movie “The Uninvited” anyone looking for some kind of thinspiration should definitely check that movie out. Not to mention it’s pretty amazing. I was shocked at the end. Got into a pretty physical fight with my mom yesterday, but I guess we’re okay now. I have a lump or something on the back of my arm, two bruises on my right wrist, and some scratches on my face, neck and hands. (she should really think about clipping those nails).
Today, so far, I haven’t eaten anything, but I’m thinking I might go get a rice bowl, or something.
Oh! I almost forgot. Campbell’s Select Harvest has this Light soup, it’s only 50 calories a serving, and it’s pretty good. The southwestern style vegetable is my favorite.
I’ve been surviving off of this stuff
My weekend went like this
12:30- wake up, call dylon (because by the time I woke up I had already missed his call 5 or 6 times)
Talk to dylon for a couple of hours, maybe 3, lay in bed and pretty much do nothing.
3:30- eat one half can of soup, and a piece of 45 calorie bread, toasted (total: 95 calories!)
4:00- get ready for work
5:00-10:00-work
Immediately after work I call Dylon, and even last night we were on the phone until 2:30 a.m. when I get home I eat the other half can of soup, and one more piece of toast.
Daily caloric intake- 190 (that’s with NO snacking, and eating two entire meals a day!)
Also, I’m now spending an average of…7 hours a day on the phone on any given weekend, and around 4 hours a day during the school week.
That’s over 30 hours a week!
If I could get paid for that, I could make an amazing living.
Anyway,
I think I’m done for today, but I will keep you all posted and updated.
I know that I haven’t been posting as often, and I know that my posts are becoming less and less about food, but the truth is, I’m so ashamed of eating like a cow that I don’t want you all to have to read it. But I do appreciate you all being here for me, and commenting me. I love you all dearly!
Stay strong ladies!!!
Mwuah!
Xoxoxoxoxox
Amybear <3
today, so far, i haven't eaten anything.
unless you count the vegan grilled cheese dipped in my magic soup i ate about 2:30-3:00 this morning.
so it's been about 7 hours since my last meal.
took 3 hydroxycut (cant remember how to spell it) this morning and my metabolism is raging and very angry that i havent fed myself yet.
i probably would have, had i not woken up almost an hour late this morning.
we'll blame my mom for that.
smoked a cigarette, took those pills, and drank a diet coke with some lime juice in it this morning.
was taking pictures of myself in the mirrior in my bathroom yesterday to send to dylon.
because now that he's so far away, i figured he deserves it.
before i finish what i was about to tell you all, i want to go back to about...eh....5 months ago.
im standing in front of the same mirrior in my bathroom that i was standing in front of last night, holding the same cell phone with the same camera, even wearing the same damn clothes. same beatles shirt, faded blue jeans, and black leather dickies belt.
the shirt was tight,
the jeans were tight,
the belt was 10 notches away from being too small.
i stood in front of that mirrior last night, and had to hold the shirt in the back to get the same look as i had in that shirt 5 months ago.
to get it to look tight.
the jeans now have almost 5 inches of empty space in them.
and the belt is 22 (i just counted) notches away from the end.
i sent the picture of the chubbier version of me to dylon, and then a picture of the new and improved dylon...
and for the first time since ive started all of this...
ive really SEEN the difference.
and...it makes it all worth it.
Dylon even said that he thinks my body is sexy.
that he loves my hips, and my stomach.
and he wants a picture of my stomach...
im hungry.
okay everyone
that's all for now!
stay strong everyone!!!
mwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear <3
Showing posts with label boyfriend. Show all posts
Showing posts with label boyfriend. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
im a fat cow.
so i got hungry last night.
oh god did i get hungry.
double bacon cheeseburger on texas toast, grilled onions, a large french fry with ketchup, and a 44 oz diet coke.
i ate it all, even though i wasnt really hungry after about the first 4 bites.
i ate and ate and ate and ate and kept eating.
and there was absoloutely no purge afterwards.
my stomach is bloated and uncomfortable even the next day.
but the good news is i probably wont be hungry for anything all day today.
still havent gotten a chance to talk to dylon. dont know what im going to do.
to answer Jenna's question, not me anymore, but it used to be.
and what i will be again.
right now im a fat disgusting cow.
will update later.
mwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear
oh god did i get hungry.
double bacon cheeseburger on texas toast, grilled onions, a large french fry with ketchup, and a 44 oz diet coke.
i ate it all, even though i wasnt really hungry after about the first 4 bites.
i ate and ate and ate and ate and kept eating.
and there was absoloutely no purge afterwards.
my stomach is bloated and uncomfortable even the next day.
but the good news is i probably wont be hungry for anything all day today.
still havent gotten a chance to talk to dylon. dont know what im going to do.
to answer Jenna's question, not me anymore, but it used to be.
and what i will be again.
right now im a fat disgusting cow.
will update later.
mwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear
Thursday, January 22, 2009
2 weeks.
god im such a fat ass. yesterday i binged all day!
i ate the soup, and then went and got a snack wrap with extra lettuce and grilled chicken around am, downed a diet coke, and was fine until lunch, when i ate some spaghetti, a roll, and brocolli, then, after school, at work, i ate a ham sandwich with lettuce, tomato, and pickle, and then when i got home, i drank some broth.
today, so far, ive had a ham egg and cheese biscuit, some milk, and 50 calories of juice. i'll skip lunch, go straight to work after school, and wait until i get home to mix some of the broth in the pantry with some of the broth in the fridge, and heat it up for dinner. maybe ill throw in some boiled veggies or something.
tomorrow, i hope to keep breakfast down to maybe a graham cracker, and maybe some milk and juice. i feel bad about not eating breakfast because i know that it makes everything work better in there.
so i always eat breakfast.
anyway, so ill eat the graham cracker for breakfast, skip lunch, and eat at home, maybe a lean cuisine, something small, maybe a plate of veggies, i dunno. just enough so i can sleep.
wish i wasnt so fat and disgusting.
dylon update: ok, so he's packing to leave for Pana, Illinois. to live with his grandma and look for work before college. he's leaving me. i wont speak to him, i dont even know if were still technically "together" anymore. considering the fact that we havent said a word to each other all day. i hate that he's leaving me, when he called me yesterday, he was sniffling and about to cry. saying that he's never been so afraid to lose someone. i dont think he knows that he's one of the main reasons for my ed. him and myself that is. i love him more than ive ever loved anyone. but i dont know if i can suffer through a long distance relationship. to answer the question can i just go with him, i dont think so. i have so much here, my mom is sick, and theres school, and work, and my friends and family. why move 800 (actually its 794, i googled it) miles away to be with a guy who thinks i talk too much? i mean,i know i do and everything, but hes supposed to be my boyfriend. the truth is, i have something for him for before he leaves. i went to this little shop a few towns over and bought some lingere. and i'll even go out and eat with him, if he wants me to. he leaves in 2 weeks! that's just not long enough. why does god hate me? how come every time i find someone i love, god takes them away? why do i have to starve myself to be skinny? why cant i eat like a normal person?
life sucks.
i guess ill just have to suck it up right?
more in just a little while.
love you all
mwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear
i ate the soup, and then went and got a snack wrap with extra lettuce and grilled chicken around am, downed a diet coke, and was fine until lunch, when i ate some spaghetti, a roll, and brocolli, then, after school, at work, i ate a ham sandwich with lettuce, tomato, and pickle, and then when i got home, i drank some broth.
today, so far, ive had a ham egg and cheese biscuit, some milk, and 50 calories of juice. i'll skip lunch, go straight to work after school, and wait until i get home to mix some of the broth in the pantry with some of the broth in the fridge, and heat it up for dinner. maybe ill throw in some boiled veggies or something.
tomorrow, i hope to keep breakfast down to maybe a graham cracker, and maybe some milk and juice. i feel bad about not eating breakfast because i know that it makes everything work better in there.
so i always eat breakfast.
anyway, so ill eat the graham cracker for breakfast, skip lunch, and eat at home, maybe a lean cuisine, something small, maybe a plate of veggies, i dunno. just enough so i can sleep.
wish i wasnt so fat and disgusting.
dylon update: ok, so he's packing to leave for Pana, Illinois. to live with his grandma and look for work before college. he's leaving me. i wont speak to him, i dont even know if were still technically "together" anymore. considering the fact that we havent said a word to each other all day. i hate that he's leaving me, when he called me yesterday, he was sniffling and about to cry. saying that he's never been so afraid to lose someone. i dont think he knows that he's one of the main reasons for my ed. him and myself that is. i love him more than ive ever loved anyone. but i dont know if i can suffer through a long distance relationship. to answer the question can i just go with him, i dont think so. i have so much here, my mom is sick, and theres school, and work, and my friends and family. why move 800 (actually its 794, i googled it) miles away to be with a guy who thinks i talk too much? i mean,i know i do and everything, but hes supposed to be my boyfriend. the truth is, i have something for him for before he leaves. i went to this little shop a few towns over and bought some lingere. and i'll even go out and eat with him, if he wants me to. he leaves in 2 weeks! that's just not long enough. why does god hate me? how come every time i find someone i love, god takes them away? why do i have to starve myself to be skinny? why cant i eat like a normal person?
life sucks.
i guess ill just have to suck it up right?
more in just a little while.
love you all
mwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Im writing this on a word document because the stupid school internet is being gay.
(I’ll copy and paste later)
Anywho, I thought I would share with everyone how my pro-ana lifestyle came to be.
Ive been on and off of diets since I was about 11. ive always been overweight.
I would vow to lay off of the crap food, and start exercising more, this would last all of about a week, and then I was right back to the potato chips, snack cakes, and pizza.
Then I met Dylon.
We have been friends for a couple of years now, and id always had this huge crush on him. Tall, skinny, and broody with a 9 inch Mohawk and a bad attitude.
Did I mention tall and skinny? REALLY skinny.
We met at school, and our friendship became close, we confided in each other, and I can still hear the words “I wont date a girl who looks like she weighs as much or more than I do.”
At that point, Dylon weighed 162. So off I went, on a casual diet, to lose weight so that Dylon would give me a second glance as more than just a friend.
I lost some weight, and people started to comment, “wow! You look amazing! How did you do it? You’ve lost so much weight!”
I kept dieting. And then I came across a pro ana website…actually, I googled it. No reason to beat around the bush here.
i became obsessed with being thin, i made a thinspo book, and then i turned my blog from just an every day account of a teenage girls life, to a completely ana obsessed site. do i regret it? not one bit. i have lost 30 pounds in the past 4 months and i dont plan on stopping any time soon. when i tell people i still want to lose 30 more pounds, they look at me funny. like "from where?".
i like that.
anyway, Dylon called me last night, but i didnt answer. the voicemail he sent went a little something like this
"uh...hey amybear, its me, just calling to see what's up. didnt see you today, i guess if i dont hear from you today, ill give you a call tomorrow...i...i love you amy...goodnight."
he used his sweet little boy voice...i hate it when he does that.
yesterday i went to dinner with Raymond, we shared a plate of brocolli beef (he got the beef, i got the brocolli) we ate with chopsticks (i was eating extremely slow, and taking lots of drinks from my diet coke).
it was alright, i havent eaten much since 7 pm yesterday
one cup of progresso chicken and rice soup. apparently it has 0 weight watchers points, and 60 calories per serving, i ate a serving about 3 this morning, because my stomach was killing me, and i drank some lime flavored, carbonated water. its wierd, used to be id have to eat the whole can of soup, and still not feel completely full, now, i eat half a can, and feel satisfied, and even full. it's wierd. i definately dont mind it though. lol.
thinking i might head out to get something this next class period, skip psycology class and maybe go get a can of soup or something at wal mart. sounds good. =)
will probably hear from dylon after work today, still not entirely sure i will be answering his phone calls. considering the fact that im still unbelievable peeved at him.
we'll see though,
i am NOT going to take any money with me to work today, i will NOT let myself binge eat on fried crap. i will NOT get back into that habit again.
woke up this morning, and my tummy was flat and pretty, im afraid to eat because i dont want to screw that up =(
remember ladies, think thin, stay safe, and starve on!
mwuah!!
xoxoxo
amybear
ps. thanks for all the lovely comments on my last post. i really do love all of the support!
kisses!
(I’ll copy and paste later)
Anywho, I thought I would share with everyone how my pro-ana lifestyle came to be.
Ive been on and off of diets since I was about 11. ive always been overweight.
I would vow to lay off of the crap food, and start exercising more, this would last all of about a week, and then I was right back to the potato chips, snack cakes, and pizza.
Then I met Dylon.
We have been friends for a couple of years now, and id always had this huge crush on him. Tall, skinny, and broody with a 9 inch Mohawk and a bad attitude.
Did I mention tall and skinny? REALLY skinny.
We met at school, and our friendship became close, we confided in each other, and I can still hear the words “I wont date a girl who looks like she weighs as much or more than I do.”
At that point, Dylon weighed 162. So off I went, on a casual diet, to lose weight so that Dylon would give me a second glance as more than just a friend.
I lost some weight, and people started to comment, “wow! You look amazing! How did you do it? You’ve lost so much weight!”
I kept dieting. And then I came across a pro ana website…actually, I googled it. No reason to beat around the bush here.
i became obsessed with being thin, i made a thinspo book, and then i turned my blog from just an every day account of a teenage girls life, to a completely ana obsessed site. do i regret it? not one bit. i have lost 30 pounds in the past 4 months and i dont plan on stopping any time soon. when i tell people i still want to lose 30 more pounds, they look at me funny. like "from where?".
i like that.
anyway, Dylon called me last night, but i didnt answer. the voicemail he sent went a little something like this
"uh...hey amybear, its me, just calling to see what's up. didnt see you today, i guess if i dont hear from you today, ill give you a call tomorrow...i...i love you amy...goodnight."
he used his sweet little boy voice...i hate it when he does that.
yesterday i went to dinner with Raymond, we shared a plate of brocolli beef (he got the beef, i got the brocolli) we ate with chopsticks (i was eating extremely slow, and taking lots of drinks from my diet coke).
it was alright, i havent eaten much since 7 pm yesterday
one cup of progresso chicken and rice soup. apparently it has 0 weight watchers points, and 60 calories per serving, i ate a serving about 3 this morning, because my stomach was killing me, and i drank some lime flavored, carbonated water. its wierd, used to be id have to eat the whole can of soup, and still not feel completely full, now, i eat half a can, and feel satisfied, and even full. it's wierd. i definately dont mind it though. lol.
thinking i might head out to get something this next class period, skip psycology class and maybe go get a can of soup or something at wal mart. sounds good. =)
will probably hear from dylon after work today, still not entirely sure i will be answering his phone calls. considering the fact that im still unbelievable peeved at him.
we'll see though,
i am NOT going to take any money with me to work today, i will NOT let myself binge eat on fried crap. i will NOT get back into that habit again.
woke up this morning, and my tummy was flat and pretty, im afraid to eat because i dont want to screw that up =(
remember ladies, think thin, stay safe, and starve on!
mwuah!!
xoxoxo
amybear
ps. thanks for all the lovely comments on my last post. i really do love all of the support!
kisses!
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