so i got hungry last night.
oh god did i get hungry.
double bacon cheeseburger on texas toast, grilled onions, a large french fry with ketchup, and a 44 oz diet coke.
i ate it all, even though i wasnt really hungry after about the first 4 bites.
i ate and ate and ate and ate and kept eating.
and there was absoloutely no purge afterwards.
my stomach is bloated and uncomfortable even the next day.
but the good news is i probably wont be hungry for anything all day today.
still havent gotten a chance to talk to dylon. dont know what im going to do.
to answer Jenna's question, not me anymore, but it used to be.
and what i will be again.
right now im a fat disgusting cow.
will update later.
mwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear
Showing posts with label starving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label starving. Show all posts
Friday, January 23, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Im writing this on a word document because the stupid school internet is being gay.
(I’ll copy and paste later)
Anywho, I thought I would share with everyone how my pro-ana lifestyle came to be.
Ive been on and off of diets since I was about 11. ive always been overweight.
I would vow to lay off of the crap food, and start exercising more, this would last all of about a week, and then I was right back to the potato chips, snack cakes, and pizza.
Then I met Dylon.
We have been friends for a couple of years now, and id always had this huge crush on him. Tall, skinny, and broody with a 9 inch Mohawk and a bad attitude.
Did I mention tall and skinny? REALLY skinny.
We met at school, and our friendship became close, we confided in each other, and I can still hear the words “I wont date a girl who looks like she weighs as much or more than I do.”
At that point, Dylon weighed 162. So off I went, on a casual diet, to lose weight so that Dylon would give me a second glance as more than just a friend.
I lost some weight, and people started to comment, “wow! You look amazing! How did you do it? You’ve lost so much weight!”
I kept dieting. And then I came across a pro ana website…actually, I googled it. No reason to beat around the bush here.
i became obsessed with being thin, i made a thinspo book, and then i turned my blog from just an every day account of a teenage girls life, to a completely ana obsessed site. do i regret it? not one bit. i have lost 30 pounds in the past 4 months and i dont plan on stopping any time soon. when i tell people i still want to lose 30 more pounds, they look at me funny. like "from where?".
i like that.
anyway, Dylon called me last night, but i didnt answer. the voicemail he sent went a little something like this
"uh...hey amybear, its me, just calling to see what's up. didnt see you today, i guess if i dont hear from you today, ill give you a call tomorrow...i...i love you amy...goodnight."
he used his sweet little boy voice...i hate it when he does that.
yesterday i went to dinner with Raymond, we shared a plate of brocolli beef (he got the beef, i got the brocolli) we ate with chopsticks (i was eating extremely slow, and taking lots of drinks from my diet coke).
it was alright, i havent eaten much since 7 pm yesterday
one cup of progresso chicken and rice soup. apparently it has 0 weight watchers points, and 60 calories per serving, i ate a serving about 3 this morning, because my stomach was killing me, and i drank some lime flavored, carbonated water. its wierd, used to be id have to eat the whole can of soup, and still not feel completely full, now, i eat half a can, and feel satisfied, and even full. it's wierd. i definately dont mind it though. lol.
thinking i might head out to get something this next class period, skip psycology class and maybe go get a can of soup or something at wal mart. sounds good. =)
will probably hear from dylon after work today, still not entirely sure i will be answering his phone calls. considering the fact that im still unbelievable peeved at him.
we'll see though,
i am NOT going to take any money with me to work today, i will NOT let myself binge eat on fried crap. i will NOT get back into that habit again.
woke up this morning, and my tummy was flat and pretty, im afraid to eat because i dont want to screw that up =(
remember ladies, think thin, stay safe, and starve on!
mwuah!!
xoxoxo
amybear
ps. thanks for all the lovely comments on my last post. i really do love all of the support!
kisses!
(I’ll copy and paste later)
Anywho, I thought I would share with everyone how my pro-ana lifestyle came to be.
Ive been on and off of diets since I was about 11. ive always been overweight.
I would vow to lay off of the crap food, and start exercising more, this would last all of about a week, and then I was right back to the potato chips, snack cakes, and pizza.
Then I met Dylon.
We have been friends for a couple of years now, and id always had this huge crush on him. Tall, skinny, and broody with a 9 inch Mohawk and a bad attitude.
Did I mention tall and skinny? REALLY skinny.
We met at school, and our friendship became close, we confided in each other, and I can still hear the words “I wont date a girl who looks like she weighs as much or more than I do.”
At that point, Dylon weighed 162. So off I went, on a casual diet, to lose weight so that Dylon would give me a second glance as more than just a friend.
I lost some weight, and people started to comment, “wow! You look amazing! How did you do it? You’ve lost so much weight!”
I kept dieting. And then I came across a pro ana website…actually, I googled it. No reason to beat around the bush here.
i became obsessed with being thin, i made a thinspo book, and then i turned my blog from just an every day account of a teenage girls life, to a completely ana obsessed site. do i regret it? not one bit. i have lost 30 pounds in the past 4 months and i dont plan on stopping any time soon. when i tell people i still want to lose 30 more pounds, they look at me funny. like "from where?".
i like that.
anyway, Dylon called me last night, but i didnt answer. the voicemail he sent went a little something like this
"uh...hey amybear, its me, just calling to see what's up. didnt see you today, i guess if i dont hear from you today, ill give you a call tomorrow...i...i love you amy...goodnight."
he used his sweet little boy voice...i hate it when he does that.
yesterday i went to dinner with Raymond, we shared a plate of brocolli beef (he got the beef, i got the brocolli) we ate with chopsticks (i was eating extremely slow, and taking lots of drinks from my diet coke).
it was alright, i havent eaten much since 7 pm yesterday
one cup of progresso chicken and rice soup. apparently it has 0 weight watchers points, and 60 calories per serving, i ate a serving about 3 this morning, because my stomach was killing me, and i drank some lime flavored, carbonated water. its wierd, used to be id have to eat the whole can of soup, and still not feel completely full, now, i eat half a can, and feel satisfied, and even full. it's wierd. i definately dont mind it though. lol.
thinking i might head out to get something this next class period, skip psycology class and maybe go get a can of soup or something at wal mart. sounds good. =)
will probably hear from dylon after work today, still not entirely sure i will be answering his phone calls. considering the fact that im still unbelievable peeved at him.
we'll see though,
i am NOT going to take any money with me to work today, i will NOT let myself binge eat on fried crap. i will NOT get back into that habit again.
woke up this morning, and my tummy was flat and pretty, im afraid to eat because i dont want to screw that up =(
remember ladies, think thin, stay safe, and starve on!
mwuah!!
xoxoxo
amybear
ps. thanks for all the lovely comments on my last post. i really do love all of the support!
kisses!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
life in general...
start my new job tomorrow
im a waitress at a diner-type place
the owner only hires pretty girls, the whole town knows that.
while i was there today for my orientation, an old friend of mine who is...bigger, we'll call her "s"
came in, shes around 300 lbs, and has wierd colored hair and a tongue ring. i hate her now, but there was a time when we were very close. she looks at me, looks at the owner and asks "can i apply for a job?"
you know what the guy said?
no!!!
makes me feel pretty good to know that i guess im considered "pretty"
i start work tomorrow.
started a 24 hour fast at 8 this morning, if all goes well, i might extend it to 48 hours, this is my first fast, so im trying to take it slow.
anyway, i have to go shopping for work pants tonight, not excited, i hate shopping for clothes.
im nervous about my new job.
scared that my mom will want to celebrate my new job with some kind of dinner, will eat very little if i have to eat at all.
i feel like a cow.
and im nervous about work tomorrow.
wish me luck!!!
im a waitress at a diner-type place
the owner only hires pretty girls, the whole town knows that.
while i was there today for my orientation, an old friend of mine who is...bigger, we'll call her "s"
came in, shes around 300 lbs, and has wierd colored hair and a tongue ring. i hate her now, but there was a time when we were very close. she looks at me, looks at the owner and asks "can i apply for a job?"
you know what the guy said?
no!!!
makes me feel pretty good to know that i guess im considered "pretty"
i start work tomorrow.
started a 24 hour fast at 8 this morning, if all goes well, i might extend it to 48 hours, this is my first fast, so im trying to take it slow.
anyway, i have to go shopping for work pants tonight, not excited, i hate shopping for clothes.
im nervous about my new job.
scared that my mom will want to celebrate my new job with some kind of dinner, will eat very little if i have to eat at all.
i feel like a cow.
and im nervous about work tomorrow.
wish me luck!!!
Monday, January 12, 2009
i hate weekends...
my class ring is too big for my finger, like...waaay too big. my ex girlfriend looked at me today and said ''dude, when did you lose all that weight?''
i didny used to like my fingers, they were fat and...gross.
not so much like that any more.
im paying for it though.
i have a killer headache, i ate a pig in the blanket and two little orange juice things this morning and its starting to go away now.
i spent the entire weekend eating, but im trying the whole calorie shifting thing, so i decided im going to be extremely strict on myself during the week, like...anywhere from 200 to 300 calories a day, and then eat more like 900 calories a day on the weekends.
ate probably 1500 calories on Saturday
a mcdonalds breakfast burrito, a big movie theatre pickle, an entire package of graham crackers and a bowl of ramen noodles.
but for some reason my weight hasnt changed.
-shrugs-
oh well.
ate less yesterday, but still quite a bit.
been really craving pickles lately.
got one of those big jars of the really big really sour pickles and ive eaten about 6 of them.
the vinegar in them is supposedly a natural laxative, and i read some stuff about how people go on diets where they eat nothing but pickles and have lost weight.
my mom said something about how she thinks im pregnant.
i almost cried.
Dylon has been pretty straight forward about the fact that he doesnt want kids now, any time soon, or maybe not at all. he told me that he wouldnt know what he would do if i told him i was pregnant. i prayed last night that im not.
ive done a lot of thinking.
ive always wanted to be a mommy, just not at 17. and Dylon just turned 19.
but as far back as i can remember we've always been very careful.
but there's always that chance, ya know?
i think my stomach is just fucked up.
anyway,
my hair is falling out,
almost every time i run my fingers through my hair, at least 15 or 16 strands fall out
im shedding, and its all over the place.
dylon noticed that too. he looked at me the other day, ran his fingers through my hair, and shook his hand.
"what the hell, Amy? your hair is coming out."
i shrugged and told him that i think its from stress.
anyone know of any good thickening shampoos and conditioners?
my body is taking shape fairly well.
im still a whale, just not as big of a whale as i was.
once i get down to something not completely horrifying i will share some pictures, ok?
today, i think i might just eat a yogurt or something for dinner.
its really wierd, lately, since the holiday and everything, i get really sad and lonely as soon as it starts to get dark, and i dont want to be alone, i couldnt sleep last night because it was cold, and i was really lonely, so i went into the living room, my head pounding from my horibble headache that ive had for almost 2 days now. and curled up under the snuggly blanket next to my mom om the couch.
"im lonely"
my mom looked at me
"why?"
i shrugged
"i dunno"
but i dont even know why i went in there, as soon as she got the chance, she started arguing with me,
"that was really rude what you did earlier, completely ignoring me when you were on the phone with dylon, im your mother, and i was speaking to you"
"its rude to talk to someone while they're on the phone"
"it sounded like he was getting mad at you for not listening to him, i heard you tell him 'i am listening!' "
its true, he gets mad at me when im on the phone with him, and i dont give him my complete attention, but its rude to try to have a conversation with someone when theyre in the middle of a conversation with someone else, and she never wants to talk to me unless shes bitching at me, asking me to do something for her, or on the phone with someone else.
and everyone wonders why i smoke!
anyway, as always, thanks for everyone's support, leave me some comments, i looove getting everyones feedback!
stay strong
think thin girlies!
mwuah! kisses!
amybear <3
i didny used to like my fingers, they were fat and...gross.
not so much like that any more.
im paying for it though.
i have a killer headache, i ate a pig in the blanket and two little orange juice things this morning and its starting to go away now.
i spent the entire weekend eating, but im trying the whole calorie shifting thing, so i decided im going to be extremely strict on myself during the week, like...anywhere from 200 to 300 calories a day, and then eat more like 900 calories a day on the weekends.
ate probably 1500 calories on Saturday
a mcdonalds breakfast burrito, a big movie theatre pickle, an entire package of graham crackers and a bowl of ramen noodles.
but for some reason my weight hasnt changed.
-shrugs-
oh well.
ate less yesterday, but still quite a bit.
been really craving pickles lately.
got one of those big jars of the really big really sour pickles and ive eaten about 6 of them.
the vinegar in them is supposedly a natural laxative, and i read some stuff about how people go on diets where they eat nothing but pickles and have lost weight.
my mom said something about how she thinks im pregnant.
i almost cried.
Dylon has been pretty straight forward about the fact that he doesnt want kids now, any time soon, or maybe not at all. he told me that he wouldnt know what he would do if i told him i was pregnant. i prayed last night that im not.
ive done a lot of thinking.
ive always wanted to be a mommy, just not at 17. and Dylon just turned 19.
but as far back as i can remember we've always been very careful.
but there's always that chance, ya know?
i think my stomach is just fucked up.
anyway,
my hair is falling out,
almost every time i run my fingers through my hair, at least 15 or 16 strands fall out
im shedding, and its all over the place.
dylon noticed that too. he looked at me the other day, ran his fingers through my hair, and shook his hand.
"what the hell, Amy? your hair is coming out."
i shrugged and told him that i think its from stress.
anyone know of any good thickening shampoos and conditioners?
my body is taking shape fairly well.
im still a whale, just not as big of a whale as i was.
once i get down to something not completely horrifying i will share some pictures, ok?
today, i think i might just eat a yogurt or something for dinner.
its really wierd, lately, since the holiday and everything, i get really sad and lonely as soon as it starts to get dark, and i dont want to be alone, i couldnt sleep last night because it was cold, and i was really lonely, so i went into the living room, my head pounding from my horibble headache that ive had for almost 2 days now. and curled up under the snuggly blanket next to my mom om the couch.
"im lonely"
my mom looked at me
"why?"
i shrugged
"i dunno"
but i dont even know why i went in there, as soon as she got the chance, she started arguing with me,
"that was really rude what you did earlier, completely ignoring me when you were on the phone with dylon, im your mother, and i was speaking to you"
"its rude to talk to someone while they're on the phone"
"it sounded like he was getting mad at you for not listening to him, i heard you tell him 'i am listening!' "
its true, he gets mad at me when im on the phone with him, and i dont give him my complete attention, but its rude to try to have a conversation with someone when theyre in the middle of a conversation with someone else, and she never wants to talk to me unless shes bitching at me, asking me to do something for her, or on the phone with someone else.
and everyone wonders why i smoke!
anyway, as always, thanks for everyone's support, leave me some comments, i looove getting everyones feedback!
stay strong
think thin girlies!
mwuah! kisses!
amybear <3
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