ok. so i have been thinking for a little while on how to lose the excess weight so i can get back to my old self. and i came up with the 50 day ABC diet.
but i could really use someones support.
so if youre interested in starting here in the next few days then i would really appreciate your support.
im really really really intent on losing the extra weight.
i used to be around 120
im up to 157 in the past 3 months.
im a fucking disgusting cow. even moreso now than 3 months ago.
and i REALLY need to get all of this off.
there have been people who have lost up to 20 lbs in the 50 days. so im gonna triple my time.
i wanna get down to 98 lbs as soon as i can.
so super strict restriction and low caloric intake, my gym membership, and lots of water are gonna get me there.
WILLPOWER, WILLPOWER, WILLPOWER.
if youre interested i will send you the list that i have of the different days and calorie intakes for those days. if youre ready for 150 days or even a few weeks i could really really really use the help.
im not at my best right now and i know that without someone pushing me i might not be strong enough to do it.
so im begging.
just drop me a comment.
please and thank you.
Showing posts with label fat. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fat. Show all posts
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
paint over me and glue me back together.
okay, im gonna post an update real quick and then im gonna go through as quick as i can and read and comment as many of your blogs as i can get to . im really trying here okay! lol.
havent eaten anything today so far.
had amazing sex yesterday.
my boyfriend stole my amazing fedora (sad face)
it's okay, i'll get it back.
haha.
in a fairly good mood.
ive started the short story on the past few months.
im gonna type it up and make another altered book (google it)
im gonna take a library book (hard cover) and paint with acrylic paint over the cover and the pages, paint backgrounds on the pages, and paste the words onto the painted backgrounds. of course some of the pages have to be glued together, because if i were to paint on EVERY PAGE i wouldnt be able to get the book shut!
plus, i dont have enough words to fill up the whole book.
but yeah...it's gonna be like....a memory book for me and dylon.
im gonna put a picture of me and mathew in the end. and if me and mathew are together for any legnth of time then i'll do the same thing for him. i was thinking i might do one for me and kimmi (my ex girlfriend) but im not sure im gonna have the time with all of the schoolwork im gonna have to get caught up on here soon. i get my car back today!!
so excited!
okay lovlies, if you dont get a comment from me today, im sorry! i do try and read all of your blogs, i swear! but i love you all, thank you all for your amazing comments and words of encouragement. you've all really helped me get through these teribble times.
thanks again.
stay strong, think thin.
xoxoxo
amy lee <3
(thats my middle name)
havent eaten anything today so far.
had amazing sex yesterday.
my boyfriend stole my amazing fedora (sad face)
it's okay, i'll get it back.
haha.
in a fairly good mood.
ive started the short story on the past few months.
im gonna type it up and make another altered book (google it)
im gonna take a library book (hard cover) and paint with acrylic paint over the cover and the pages, paint backgrounds on the pages, and paste the words onto the painted backgrounds. of course some of the pages have to be glued together, because if i were to paint on EVERY PAGE i wouldnt be able to get the book shut!
plus, i dont have enough words to fill up the whole book.
but yeah...it's gonna be like....a memory book for me and dylon.
im gonna put a picture of me and mathew in the end. and if me and mathew are together for any legnth of time then i'll do the same thing for him. i was thinking i might do one for me and kimmi (my ex girlfriend) but im not sure im gonna have the time with all of the schoolwork im gonna have to get caught up on here soon. i get my car back today!!
so excited!
okay lovlies, if you dont get a comment from me today, im sorry! i do try and read all of your blogs, i swear! but i love you all, thank you all for your amazing comments and words of encouragement. you've all really helped me get through these teribble times.
thanks again.
stay strong, think thin.
xoxoxo
amy lee <3
(thats my middle name)
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
mathew has this...amazing body. this bulky chest...he's all tan and kind of muscular but still skinny, and most of all, he has this muscular back. i swear, there's not one ounce of fat on him. and all of these rail thin emo girls are always following him around.
so what does he want with me?
is it because he's sixteen and he needs someone who always has cigarettes?
is it because i know a million ways to get completely fucked up legally?
is it because i know everyone on earth who has drugs?
or does he really like spending time with me and being in my company?
i dont know...
i hope so.
havent talked to dylon...havent even sent him a text message. he's ignoring me. i wonder if he's having sex with other girls yet?
probably. he's too adorable to not have girls hit on him and follow him around.
why do these sexy, adorable, amazing looking guys like me?
im just the short, fat girl with the bad attitude and the amazing art ability.
that's all i am.
anywhooooo...
i wanna try that acai berry stuff.
i think it would help me to lose some of this extra weight.
had i just STUCK TO MY DIET i would be skinny as a rail right now.
instead im still a fat cow.
i cant get back on the wagon!
i love food too much!
i need help!
ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so what does he want with me?
is it because he's sixteen and he needs someone who always has cigarettes?
is it because i know a million ways to get completely fucked up legally?
is it because i know everyone on earth who has drugs?
or does he really like spending time with me and being in my company?
i dont know...
i hope so.
havent talked to dylon...havent even sent him a text message. he's ignoring me. i wonder if he's having sex with other girls yet?
probably. he's too adorable to not have girls hit on him and follow him around.
why do these sexy, adorable, amazing looking guys like me?
im just the short, fat girl with the bad attitude and the amazing art ability.
that's all i am.
anywhooooo...
i wanna try that acai berry stuff.
i think it would help me to lose some of this extra weight.
had i just STUCK TO MY DIET i would be skinny as a rail right now.
instead im still a fat cow.
i cant get back on the wagon!
i love food too much!
i need help!
ugh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, February 23, 2009
"the time has come the walrus said, to talk of many things. of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings, and why the sea is boiling hot,
-and whether pigs have wings."
art competition was on saturday.
visual arts scholastic event.
or VASE.
i think i did pretty well.
anywho...
never saw so many amazing looking asian kids in one place.
amazing bodies
amazing hair
amazing teeth
amazing skin.
it makes me so jealous.
ugh.
anywho...
been eating like a cow
and after this class, im going to go to the bank, head to burger king, and get a grilled chicken sandwich, an order of fries, and a diet coke...and i still have half of one of those really big candy bars.
any one know how i can just...stop.
i cant stop EATING
i feel like a pig.
like a whale.
like something big...and covered in fat.
something blubber-y
im disgusted with myself.
i make myself sick.
think im going to get back on the diet pills.
they make me feel so much better about myself.
art competition was on saturday.
visual arts scholastic event.
or VASE.
i think i did pretty well.
anywho...
never saw so many amazing looking asian kids in one place.
amazing bodies
amazing hair
amazing teeth
amazing skin.
it makes me so jealous.
ugh.
anywho...
been eating like a cow
and after this class, im going to go to the bank, head to burger king, and get a grilled chicken sandwich, an order of fries, and a diet coke...and i still have half of one of those really big candy bars.
any one know how i can just...stop.
i cant stop EATING
i feel like a pig.
like a whale.
like something big...and covered in fat.
something blubber-y
im disgusted with myself.
i make myself sick.
think im going to get back on the diet pills.
they make me feel so much better about myself.
Monday, February 16, 2009
off and on the wagon
sorry i havent been blogging as much lately. been spending a lot of time these last few days trying to keep my life from falling off it's hinges.
this whole art thing,
and dylon
and then there's the rest of my classes that i may or may not be failing.
but im really trying lately.
im not cheating on dylon anymore
and my art teacher is making me eat.
she buys me lunch, and we eat together, we've grown really close these past few days
and ive been losing weight like crazy.
like...10 lbs in the past two weeks.
i think it's a mix of diet pills and stress.
ok well, please comment me!
i could really use the support right now.
been off and on the wagon
so i could definately use a friend.
mwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear
this whole art thing,
and dylon
and then there's the rest of my classes that i may or may not be failing.
but im really trying lately.
im not cheating on dylon anymore
and my art teacher is making me eat.
she buys me lunch, and we eat together, we've grown really close these past few days
and ive been losing weight like crazy.
like...10 lbs in the past two weeks.
i think it's a mix of diet pills and stress.
ok well, please comment me!
i could really use the support right now.
been off and on the wagon
so i could definately use a friend.
mwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear
Thursday, February 5, 2009
"why do you starve yourself?"
dylon and i have been having trust issues since he left.
which i dont guess is abnormal or anything, considering the fact that he now resides 800 miles away.
i got really dizzy at work yesterday, and almost passed out.
when i told dylon, he asked what i thought was wrong, and i said that i may have just forgotten to eat.
he said alright, but my concience (spelling???) was still on my ass about it.
so i told him about how ive been abusing diet pills. and i told him about how i have been intentionally starving myself for months now, and i told him about how i feel inferior to him.
and he cried.
and then we just had this conversation where everything came out.
he talked about something he did over the summer.
before we actually got together.
he told me about a cocaine habit that he had.
i asked him how many times he did it, and he said "i dunno...maybe 8, maybe 10, maybe 12"
i asked him "who did you do this with?"
and he asked "did i ever tell you about Eric?"
i shook my head, even though he couldnt see me.
"No"
Dylon took a deep breath, and sighed a little, and was silent for second.
"Eric was the only guy i have ever had sex with, in my entire life."
i wont lie, i was shocked, disgusted, and turned on all at the same time.
i mean, i stick my fingers down my throat and make myself throw up when i think that i have eaten too much, so who am i to judge, not to mention, i was in love with my ex girlfriend.
i sighed, and asked "how many times did you do it?"
he said "i can think of about 5 times, but it's more of the reason of why i did it. to get the cocaine more or less, but i wont say i didnt enjoy it."
my boyfriend had sex with another guy, and he liked it.
how am i supposed to feel about that? how am i supposed to react? what the hell am i supposed to say?
i just wanted to hold him.
i had never felt so close to someone as i had with him at that moment.
"Why do you starve yourself?" he asked, after he had finished telling me about all of this
then it was my turn to be silent.
i opened my mouth..."to be perfect for you."
so here we are, the girl with the eating disorder who abuses diet pills, and the binge drinking, recovering cocaine/pill addict.
but i like to think were more than just that.
im an artist, and he is so passionate about so many things.
he's so smart, and wise beyond his years.
and we find it in our hearts to care about each other.
and im in love with him.
for real this time.
and it feels like im floating on air.
which i dont guess is abnormal or anything, considering the fact that he now resides 800 miles away.
i got really dizzy at work yesterday, and almost passed out.
when i told dylon, he asked what i thought was wrong, and i said that i may have just forgotten to eat.
he said alright, but my concience (spelling???) was still on my ass about it.
so i told him about how ive been abusing diet pills. and i told him about how i have been intentionally starving myself for months now, and i told him about how i feel inferior to him.
and he cried.
and then we just had this conversation where everything came out.
he talked about something he did over the summer.
before we actually got together.
he told me about a cocaine habit that he had.
i asked him how many times he did it, and he said "i dunno...maybe 8, maybe 10, maybe 12"
i asked him "who did you do this with?"
and he asked "did i ever tell you about Eric?"
i shook my head, even though he couldnt see me.
"No"
Dylon took a deep breath, and sighed a little, and was silent for second.
"Eric was the only guy i have ever had sex with, in my entire life."
i wont lie, i was shocked, disgusted, and turned on all at the same time.
i mean, i stick my fingers down my throat and make myself throw up when i think that i have eaten too much, so who am i to judge, not to mention, i was in love with my ex girlfriend.
i sighed, and asked "how many times did you do it?"
he said "i can think of about 5 times, but it's more of the reason of why i did it. to get the cocaine more or less, but i wont say i didnt enjoy it."
my boyfriend had sex with another guy, and he liked it.
how am i supposed to feel about that? how am i supposed to react? what the hell am i supposed to say?
i just wanted to hold him.
i had never felt so close to someone as i had with him at that moment.
"Why do you starve yourself?" he asked, after he had finished telling me about all of this
then it was my turn to be silent.
i opened my mouth..."to be perfect for you."
so here we are, the girl with the eating disorder who abuses diet pills, and the binge drinking, recovering cocaine/pill addict.
but i like to think were more than just that.
im an artist, and he is so passionate about so many things.
he's so smart, and wise beyond his years.
and we find it in our hearts to care about each other.
and im in love with him.
for real this time.
and it feels like im floating on air.
Monday, January 26, 2009
eat me, drink me.
mY fElLoW cOmRaDeS:
Ok. So I hope that everyone’s weekend went well.
Mine went alright despite the fact that because I was bleeding from my crotch the entire weekend, I ate like a cow.
And I lost my cell phone on Friday in the bathroom of the school, and didn’t have it all weekend. It really sucked, like…whoa.
Lol.
But they found it and someone turned it in and I have it now,
It’s close to dying, but whatev.
Had like a million text messages, and some missed calls from my friend Jesse.
Anywho.
Been working everyday, it’s a pretty good deal, I’m always busy lately, and I really like that, I like staying busy.
Going over to crystal’s house this weekend, I think.
I think she wants me to bring a pizza with me.
Might pick up some popcorn or something.
Going insane.
Couldn’t stop eating all weekend. Finally managed to pull it together yesterday.
Gonna try to keep my caloric intake pretty low today.
Under 500 or so.
Ate a graham cracker for breakfast, and a few sips of milk, total-55 calories
Gonna eat some yogurt here in about an hour-total 110 calories
Maybe a cup of peaches-45 calories
Maybe…
Because id like to eat a grilled chicken salad for lunch, total-200 calories
Have baby carrots and half of a pickle in my bag, so I might stop at either Red Top or Whataburger and grab a salad.
Red Tops Chicken is less greasy,
So I might just do that.
Anywho.
My plan for today:
7:00: graham cracker-55
11:15 am: yogurt, diet coke-110
1:30 pm: grilled chicken salad? Half a pickle, serving of baby carrots, diet coke- 280
5:00 pm: half can of soup, diet coke- 60
Daily total- 505
From 6 pm to 10 pm : work
Note: NO SNACKING AT WORK!!!
Walk to and from work
Walk to the store after work
1000 jumping jacks (to get my heart rate up)
Maybe jog a few laps around the courtyard outside
Clean out car
If I get hungry after work, I’ll eat that cup of peaches and chew on some cinnamon gum.
Learned that it really helps the cravings, and makes it a hell of a lot easier to go without food.
My cinnamon gum, water, diet coke, and cigarettes are now my best friends.
That reminds me, I do need some more gum for tomorrow.
And I need to go and pay my cell phone bill.
Last night, after I got off of work (yesterdays food intake, a grilled chicken sandwich, extra pickles, easy mayo, and a taco) I had so much energy! I walked to the store, took trash back and forth to the dumpster about 3 times, swept and mopped the kitchen, danced a little, washed some clothes, and moved around a lot.
Felt really good about it.
Today will be even better
I know it will because I believe in myself.
I just have to retrain myself to go without so much food.
I’ll just have to restrict so much that my stomach cant take much more.
And if im really good this week, keep my caloric intake low.
And don’t eat anything all day before I go to crystal’s house.
I’ll allow myself some pizza and popcorn.
So then I have something to look forward to.
Think im gonna rent saw 5 and take it over there.
Cant wait to get another paycheck!!
This one should be pretty big.
Like…close to 400
But I have to wait until the fifth!
Dammit.
Lol
My eye really itches, but I don’t want to scratch because I look cute today and I don’t want to ruin it.
Spent a while putting on my eyeliner, and straightening my bangs and curling the rest of my hair, teasing it to curliness, and picking out a cute outfit
Black long-sleeved t-shirt
Kind of boot-cut, skinny jean type things with double cuffs and black converse.
Was driving this morning, and I was in the left hand turn lane, and the guy driving past me was so busy checking me out that he was hardly driving!!
Boosted my ego a little. Haha.
Ok,
So I have 192 dollars, and 60 of it has to go to my cell phone bill
10 in gas
And I still owe my mom dinner
But I think I’ll be giving her a rain check on that
Im going to make her wait until I have some money saved up to start paying her back.
Id like to have something to fall back on just in case this job doesn’t work out in the long run.
Figured I’d put the entirety of my paychecks into my savings account.
Transfer 10 or 20 into my checking,
And use that for my spending money to buy stuff at work and what have you .
Of course, I’ll still be draining my savings to buy things like food and cigarettes during school hours, like I always have.
But still…
Gonna try to build my savings back up.
And then start paying my mom. I get a paycheck on the 5th and 20th of each month.
Im working 6 days a week, and so…
We’ll say….what like….12 out of 15, say an average of 5 hours a day, minus one or two days….
Should have enough to pay back my mom in a few months.
Lots of math going on here today…
Anywho.
Have a wonderful day everyone!
update- took 7 relacores today and 2 ibprofen
downed with diet coke.
think it'll help me any?
me and my friend jessica are going on a diet together!
lol.
Ok. So I hope that everyone’s weekend went well.
Mine went alright despite the fact that because I was bleeding from my crotch the entire weekend, I ate like a cow.
And I lost my cell phone on Friday in the bathroom of the school, and didn’t have it all weekend. It really sucked, like…whoa.
Lol.
But they found it and someone turned it in and I have it now,
It’s close to dying, but whatev.
Had like a million text messages, and some missed calls from my friend Jesse.
Anywho.
Been working everyday, it’s a pretty good deal, I’m always busy lately, and I really like that, I like staying busy.
Going over to crystal’s house this weekend, I think.
I think she wants me to bring a pizza with me.
Might pick up some popcorn or something.
Going insane.
Couldn’t stop eating all weekend. Finally managed to pull it together yesterday.
Gonna try to keep my caloric intake pretty low today.
Under 500 or so.
Ate a graham cracker for breakfast, and a few sips of milk, total-55 calories
Gonna eat some yogurt here in about an hour-total 110 calories
Maybe a cup of peaches-45 calories
Maybe…
Because id like to eat a grilled chicken salad for lunch, total-200 calories
Have baby carrots and half of a pickle in my bag, so I might stop at either Red Top or Whataburger and grab a salad.
Red Tops Chicken is less greasy,
So I might just do that.
Anywho.
My plan for today:
7:00: graham cracker-55
11:15 am: yogurt, diet coke-110
1:30 pm: grilled chicken salad? Half a pickle, serving of baby carrots, diet coke- 280
5:00 pm: half can of soup, diet coke- 60
Daily total- 505
From 6 pm to 10 pm : work
Note: NO SNACKING AT WORK!!!
Walk to and from work
Walk to the store after work
1000 jumping jacks (to get my heart rate up)
Maybe jog a few laps around the courtyard outside
Clean out car
If I get hungry after work, I’ll eat that cup of peaches and chew on some cinnamon gum.
Learned that it really helps the cravings, and makes it a hell of a lot easier to go without food.
My cinnamon gum, water, diet coke, and cigarettes are now my best friends.
That reminds me, I do need some more gum for tomorrow.
And I need to go and pay my cell phone bill.
Last night, after I got off of work (yesterdays food intake, a grilled chicken sandwich, extra pickles, easy mayo, and a taco) I had so much energy! I walked to the store, took trash back and forth to the dumpster about 3 times, swept and mopped the kitchen, danced a little, washed some clothes, and moved around a lot.
Felt really good about it.
Today will be even better
I know it will because I believe in myself.
I just have to retrain myself to go without so much food.
I’ll just have to restrict so much that my stomach cant take much more.
And if im really good this week, keep my caloric intake low.
And don’t eat anything all day before I go to crystal’s house.
I’ll allow myself some pizza and popcorn.
So then I have something to look forward to.
Think im gonna rent saw 5 and take it over there.
Cant wait to get another paycheck!!
This one should be pretty big.
Like…close to 400
But I have to wait until the fifth!
Dammit.
Lol
My eye really itches, but I don’t want to scratch because I look cute today and I don’t want to ruin it.
Spent a while putting on my eyeliner, and straightening my bangs and curling the rest of my hair, teasing it to curliness, and picking out a cute outfit
Black long-sleeved t-shirt
Kind of boot-cut, skinny jean type things with double cuffs and black converse.
Was driving this morning, and I was in the left hand turn lane, and the guy driving past me was so busy checking me out that he was hardly driving!!
Boosted my ego a little. Haha.
Ok,
So I have 192 dollars, and 60 of it has to go to my cell phone bill
10 in gas
And I still owe my mom dinner
But I think I’ll be giving her a rain check on that
Im going to make her wait until I have some money saved up to start paying her back.
Id like to have something to fall back on just in case this job doesn’t work out in the long run.
Figured I’d put the entirety of my paychecks into my savings account.
Transfer 10 or 20 into my checking,
And use that for my spending money to buy stuff at work and what have you .
Of course, I’ll still be draining my savings to buy things like food and cigarettes during school hours, like I always have.
But still…
Gonna try to build my savings back up.
And then start paying my mom. I get a paycheck on the 5th and 20th of each month.
Im working 6 days a week, and so…
We’ll say….what like….12 out of 15, say an average of 5 hours a day, minus one or two days….
Should have enough to pay back my mom in a few months.
Lots of math going on here today…
Anywho.
Have a wonderful day everyone!
update- took 7 relacores today and 2 ibprofen
downed with diet coke.
think it'll help me any?
me and my friend jessica are going on a diet together!
lol.
Friday, January 23, 2009
im a fat cow.
so i got hungry last night.
oh god did i get hungry.
double bacon cheeseburger on texas toast, grilled onions, a large french fry with ketchup, and a 44 oz diet coke.
i ate it all, even though i wasnt really hungry after about the first 4 bites.
i ate and ate and ate and ate and kept eating.
and there was absoloutely no purge afterwards.
my stomach is bloated and uncomfortable even the next day.
but the good news is i probably wont be hungry for anything all day today.
still havent gotten a chance to talk to dylon. dont know what im going to do.
to answer Jenna's question, not me anymore, but it used to be.
and what i will be again.
right now im a fat disgusting cow.
will update later.
mwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear
oh god did i get hungry.
double bacon cheeseburger on texas toast, grilled onions, a large french fry with ketchup, and a 44 oz diet coke.
i ate it all, even though i wasnt really hungry after about the first 4 bites.
i ate and ate and ate and ate and kept eating.
and there was absoloutely no purge afterwards.
my stomach is bloated and uncomfortable even the next day.
but the good news is i probably wont be hungry for anything all day today.
still havent gotten a chance to talk to dylon. dont know what im going to do.
to answer Jenna's question, not me anymore, but it used to be.
and what i will be again.
right now im a fat disgusting cow.
will update later.
mwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear
Thursday, January 22, 2009
2 weeks.
god im such a fat ass. yesterday i binged all day!
i ate the soup, and then went and got a snack wrap with extra lettuce and grilled chicken around am, downed a diet coke, and was fine until lunch, when i ate some spaghetti, a roll, and brocolli, then, after school, at work, i ate a ham sandwich with lettuce, tomato, and pickle, and then when i got home, i drank some broth.
today, so far, ive had a ham egg and cheese biscuit, some milk, and 50 calories of juice. i'll skip lunch, go straight to work after school, and wait until i get home to mix some of the broth in the pantry with some of the broth in the fridge, and heat it up for dinner. maybe ill throw in some boiled veggies or something.
tomorrow, i hope to keep breakfast down to maybe a graham cracker, and maybe some milk and juice. i feel bad about not eating breakfast because i know that it makes everything work better in there.
so i always eat breakfast.
anyway, so ill eat the graham cracker for breakfast, skip lunch, and eat at home, maybe a lean cuisine, something small, maybe a plate of veggies, i dunno. just enough so i can sleep.
wish i wasnt so fat and disgusting.
dylon update: ok, so he's packing to leave for Pana, Illinois. to live with his grandma and look for work before college. he's leaving me. i wont speak to him, i dont even know if were still technically "together" anymore. considering the fact that we havent said a word to each other all day. i hate that he's leaving me, when he called me yesterday, he was sniffling and about to cry. saying that he's never been so afraid to lose someone. i dont think he knows that he's one of the main reasons for my ed. him and myself that is. i love him more than ive ever loved anyone. but i dont know if i can suffer through a long distance relationship. to answer the question can i just go with him, i dont think so. i have so much here, my mom is sick, and theres school, and work, and my friends and family. why move 800 (actually its 794, i googled it) miles away to be with a guy who thinks i talk too much? i mean,i know i do and everything, but hes supposed to be my boyfriend. the truth is, i have something for him for before he leaves. i went to this little shop a few towns over and bought some lingere. and i'll even go out and eat with him, if he wants me to. he leaves in 2 weeks! that's just not long enough. why does god hate me? how come every time i find someone i love, god takes them away? why do i have to starve myself to be skinny? why cant i eat like a normal person?
life sucks.
i guess ill just have to suck it up right?
more in just a little while.
love you all
mwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear
i ate the soup, and then went and got a snack wrap with extra lettuce and grilled chicken around am, downed a diet coke, and was fine until lunch, when i ate some spaghetti, a roll, and brocolli, then, after school, at work, i ate a ham sandwich with lettuce, tomato, and pickle, and then when i got home, i drank some broth.
today, so far, ive had a ham egg and cheese biscuit, some milk, and 50 calories of juice. i'll skip lunch, go straight to work after school, and wait until i get home to mix some of the broth in the pantry with some of the broth in the fridge, and heat it up for dinner. maybe ill throw in some boiled veggies or something.
tomorrow, i hope to keep breakfast down to maybe a graham cracker, and maybe some milk and juice. i feel bad about not eating breakfast because i know that it makes everything work better in there.
so i always eat breakfast.
anyway, so ill eat the graham cracker for breakfast, skip lunch, and eat at home, maybe a lean cuisine, something small, maybe a plate of veggies, i dunno. just enough so i can sleep.
wish i wasnt so fat and disgusting.
dylon update: ok, so he's packing to leave for Pana, Illinois. to live with his grandma and look for work before college. he's leaving me. i wont speak to him, i dont even know if were still technically "together" anymore. considering the fact that we havent said a word to each other all day. i hate that he's leaving me, when he called me yesterday, he was sniffling and about to cry. saying that he's never been so afraid to lose someone. i dont think he knows that he's one of the main reasons for my ed. him and myself that is. i love him more than ive ever loved anyone. but i dont know if i can suffer through a long distance relationship. to answer the question can i just go with him, i dont think so. i have so much here, my mom is sick, and theres school, and work, and my friends and family. why move 800 (actually its 794, i googled it) miles away to be with a guy who thinks i talk too much? i mean,i know i do and everything, but hes supposed to be my boyfriend. the truth is, i have something for him for before he leaves. i went to this little shop a few towns over and bought some lingere. and i'll even go out and eat with him, if he wants me to. he leaves in 2 weeks! that's just not long enough. why does god hate me? how come every time i find someone i love, god takes them away? why do i have to starve myself to be skinny? why cant i eat like a normal person?
life sucks.
i guess ill just have to suck it up right?
more in just a little while.
love you all
mwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Im writing this on a word document because the stupid school internet is being gay.
(I’ll copy and paste later)
Anywho, I thought I would share with everyone how my pro-ana lifestyle came to be.
Ive been on and off of diets since I was about 11. ive always been overweight.
I would vow to lay off of the crap food, and start exercising more, this would last all of about a week, and then I was right back to the potato chips, snack cakes, and pizza.
Then I met Dylon.
We have been friends for a couple of years now, and id always had this huge crush on him. Tall, skinny, and broody with a 9 inch Mohawk and a bad attitude.
Did I mention tall and skinny? REALLY skinny.
We met at school, and our friendship became close, we confided in each other, and I can still hear the words “I wont date a girl who looks like she weighs as much or more than I do.”
At that point, Dylon weighed 162. So off I went, on a casual diet, to lose weight so that Dylon would give me a second glance as more than just a friend.
I lost some weight, and people started to comment, “wow! You look amazing! How did you do it? You’ve lost so much weight!”
I kept dieting. And then I came across a pro ana website…actually, I googled it. No reason to beat around the bush here.
i became obsessed with being thin, i made a thinspo book, and then i turned my blog from just an every day account of a teenage girls life, to a completely ana obsessed site. do i regret it? not one bit. i have lost 30 pounds in the past 4 months and i dont plan on stopping any time soon. when i tell people i still want to lose 30 more pounds, they look at me funny. like "from where?".
i like that.
anyway, Dylon called me last night, but i didnt answer. the voicemail he sent went a little something like this
"uh...hey amybear, its me, just calling to see what's up. didnt see you today, i guess if i dont hear from you today, ill give you a call tomorrow...i...i love you amy...goodnight."
he used his sweet little boy voice...i hate it when he does that.
yesterday i went to dinner with Raymond, we shared a plate of brocolli beef (he got the beef, i got the brocolli) we ate with chopsticks (i was eating extremely slow, and taking lots of drinks from my diet coke).
it was alright, i havent eaten much since 7 pm yesterday
one cup of progresso chicken and rice soup. apparently it has 0 weight watchers points, and 60 calories per serving, i ate a serving about 3 this morning, because my stomach was killing me, and i drank some lime flavored, carbonated water. its wierd, used to be id have to eat the whole can of soup, and still not feel completely full, now, i eat half a can, and feel satisfied, and even full. it's wierd. i definately dont mind it though. lol.
thinking i might head out to get something this next class period, skip psycology class and maybe go get a can of soup or something at wal mart. sounds good. =)
will probably hear from dylon after work today, still not entirely sure i will be answering his phone calls. considering the fact that im still unbelievable peeved at him.
we'll see though,
i am NOT going to take any money with me to work today, i will NOT let myself binge eat on fried crap. i will NOT get back into that habit again.
woke up this morning, and my tummy was flat and pretty, im afraid to eat because i dont want to screw that up =(
remember ladies, think thin, stay safe, and starve on!
mwuah!!
xoxoxo
amybear
ps. thanks for all the lovely comments on my last post. i really do love all of the support!
kisses!
(I’ll copy and paste later)
Anywho, I thought I would share with everyone how my pro-ana lifestyle came to be.
Ive been on and off of diets since I was about 11. ive always been overweight.
I would vow to lay off of the crap food, and start exercising more, this would last all of about a week, and then I was right back to the potato chips, snack cakes, and pizza.
Then I met Dylon.
We have been friends for a couple of years now, and id always had this huge crush on him. Tall, skinny, and broody with a 9 inch Mohawk and a bad attitude.
Did I mention tall and skinny? REALLY skinny.
We met at school, and our friendship became close, we confided in each other, and I can still hear the words “I wont date a girl who looks like she weighs as much or more than I do.”
At that point, Dylon weighed 162. So off I went, on a casual diet, to lose weight so that Dylon would give me a second glance as more than just a friend.
I lost some weight, and people started to comment, “wow! You look amazing! How did you do it? You’ve lost so much weight!”
I kept dieting. And then I came across a pro ana website…actually, I googled it. No reason to beat around the bush here.
i became obsessed with being thin, i made a thinspo book, and then i turned my blog from just an every day account of a teenage girls life, to a completely ana obsessed site. do i regret it? not one bit. i have lost 30 pounds in the past 4 months and i dont plan on stopping any time soon. when i tell people i still want to lose 30 more pounds, they look at me funny. like "from where?".
i like that.
anyway, Dylon called me last night, but i didnt answer. the voicemail he sent went a little something like this
"uh...hey amybear, its me, just calling to see what's up. didnt see you today, i guess if i dont hear from you today, ill give you a call tomorrow...i...i love you amy...goodnight."
he used his sweet little boy voice...i hate it when he does that.
yesterday i went to dinner with Raymond, we shared a plate of brocolli beef (he got the beef, i got the brocolli) we ate with chopsticks (i was eating extremely slow, and taking lots of drinks from my diet coke).
it was alright, i havent eaten much since 7 pm yesterday
one cup of progresso chicken and rice soup. apparently it has 0 weight watchers points, and 60 calories per serving, i ate a serving about 3 this morning, because my stomach was killing me, and i drank some lime flavored, carbonated water. its wierd, used to be id have to eat the whole can of soup, and still not feel completely full, now, i eat half a can, and feel satisfied, and even full. it's wierd. i definately dont mind it though. lol.
thinking i might head out to get something this next class period, skip psycology class and maybe go get a can of soup or something at wal mart. sounds good. =)
will probably hear from dylon after work today, still not entirely sure i will be answering his phone calls. considering the fact that im still unbelievable peeved at him.
we'll see though,
i am NOT going to take any money with me to work today, i will NOT let myself binge eat on fried crap. i will NOT get back into that habit again.
woke up this morning, and my tummy was flat and pretty, im afraid to eat because i dont want to screw that up =(
remember ladies, think thin, stay safe, and starve on!
mwuah!!
xoxoxo
amybear
ps. thanks for all the lovely comments on my last post. i really do love all of the support!
kisses!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
life in general...
start my new job tomorrow
im a waitress at a diner-type place
the owner only hires pretty girls, the whole town knows that.
while i was there today for my orientation, an old friend of mine who is...bigger, we'll call her "s"
came in, shes around 300 lbs, and has wierd colored hair and a tongue ring. i hate her now, but there was a time when we were very close. she looks at me, looks at the owner and asks "can i apply for a job?"
you know what the guy said?
no!!!
makes me feel pretty good to know that i guess im considered "pretty"
i start work tomorrow.
started a 24 hour fast at 8 this morning, if all goes well, i might extend it to 48 hours, this is my first fast, so im trying to take it slow.
anyway, i have to go shopping for work pants tonight, not excited, i hate shopping for clothes.
im nervous about my new job.
scared that my mom will want to celebrate my new job with some kind of dinner, will eat very little if i have to eat at all.
i feel like a cow.
and im nervous about work tomorrow.
wish me luck!!!
im a waitress at a diner-type place
the owner only hires pretty girls, the whole town knows that.
while i was there today for my orientation, an old friend of mine who is...bigger, we'll call her "s"
came in, shes around 300 lbs, and has wierd colored hair and a tongue ring. i hate her now, but there was a time when we were very close. she looks at me, looks at the owner and asks "can i apply for a job?"
you know what the guy said?
no!!!
makes me feel pretty good to know that i guess im considered "pretty"
i start work tomorrow.
started a 24 hour fast at 8 this morning, if all goes well, i might extend it to 48 hours, this is my first fast, so im trying to take it slow.
anyway, i have to go shopping for work pants tonight, not excited, i hate shopping for clothes.
im nervous about my new job.
scared that my mom will want to celebrate my new job with some kind of dinner, will eat very little if i have to eat at all.
i feel like a cow.
and im nervous about work tomorrow.
wish me luck!!!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)