so i got hungry last night.
oh god did i get hungry.
double bacon cheeseburger on texas toast, grilled onions, a large french fry with ketchup, and a 44 oz diet coke.
i ate it all, even though i wasnt really hungry after about the first 4 bites.
i ate and ate and ate and ate and kept eating.
and there was absoloutely no purge afterwards.
my stomach is bloated and uncomfortable even the next day.
but the good news is i probably wont be hungry for anything all day today.
still havent gotten a chance to talk to dylon. dont know what im going to do.
to answer Jenna's question, not me anymore, but it used to be.
and what i will be again.
right now im a fat disgusting cow.
will update later.
mwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear
Showing posts with label food. Show all posts
Showing posts with label food. Show all posts
Friday, January 23, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
2 weeks.
god im such a fat ass. yesterday i binged all day!
i ate the soup, and then went and got a snack wrap with extra lettuce and grilled chicken around am, downed a diet coke, and was fine until lunch, when i ate some spaghetti, a roll, and brocolli, then, after school, at work, i ate a ham sandwich with lettuce, tomato, and pickle, and then when i got home, i drank some broth.
today, so far, ive had a ham egg and cheese biscuit, some milk, and 50 calories of juice. i'll skip lunch, go straight to work after school, and wait until i get home to mix some of the broth in the pantry with some of the broth in the fridge, and heat it up for dinner. maybe ill throw in some boiled veggies or something.
tomorrow, i hope to keep breakfast down to maybe a graham cracker, and maybe some milk and juice. i feel bad about not eating breakfast because i know that it makes everything work better in there.
so i always eat breakfast.
anyway, so ill eat the graham cracker for breakfast, skip lunch, and eat at home, maybe a lean cuisine, something small, maybe a plate of veggies, i dunno. just enough so i can sleep.
wish i wasnt so fat and disgusting.
dylon update: ok, so he's packing to leave for Pana, Illinois. to live with his grandma and look for work before college. he's leaving me. i wont speak to him, i dont even know if were still technically "together" anymore. considering the fact that we havent said a word to each other all day. i hate that he's leaving me, when he called me yesterday, he was sniffling and about to cry. saying that he's never been so afraid to lose someone. i dont think he knows that he's one of the main reasons for my ed. him and myself that is. i love him more than ive ever loved anyone. but i dont know if i can suffer through a long distance relationship. to answer the question can i just go with him, i dont think so. i have so much here, my mom is sick, and theres school, and work, and my friends and family. why move 800 (actually its 794, i googled it) miles away to be with a guy who thinks i talk too much? i mean,i know i do and everything, but hes supposed to be my boyfriend. the truth is, i have something for him for before he leaves. i went to this little shop a few towns over and bought some lingere. and i'll even go out and eat with him, if he wants me to. he leaves in 2 weeks! that's just not long enough. why does god hate me? how come every time i find someone i love, god takes them away? why do i have to starve myself to be skinny? why cant i eat like a normal person?
life sucks.
i guess ill just have to suck it up right?
more in just a little while.
love you all
mwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear
i ate the soup, and then went and got a snack wrap with extra lettuce and grilled chicken around am, downed a diet coke, and was fine until lunch, when i ate some spaghetti, a roll, and brocolli, then, after school, at work, i ate a ham sandwich with lettuce, tomato, and pickle, and then when i got home, i drank some broth.
today, so far, ive had a ham egg and cheese biscuit, some milk, and 50 calories of juice. i'll skip lunch, go straight to work after school, and wait until i get home to mix some of the broth in the pantry with some of the broth in the fridge, and heat it up for dinner. maybe ill throw in some boiled veggies or something.
tomorrow, i hope to keep breakfast down to maybe a graham cracker, and maybe some milk and juice. i feel bad about not eating breakfast because i know that it makes everything work better in there.
so i always eat breakfast.
anyway, so ill eat the graham cracker for breakfast, skip lunch, and eat at home, maybe a lean cuisine, something small, maybe a plate of veggies, i dunno. just enough so i can sleep.
wish i wasnt so fat and disgusting.
dylon update: ok, so he's packing to leave for Pana, Illinois. to live with his grandma and look for work before college. he's leaving me. i wont speak to him, i dont even know if were still technically "together" anymore. considering the fact that we havent said a word to each other all day. i hate that he's leaving me, when he called me yesterday, he was sniffling and about to cry. saying that he's never been so afraid to lose someone. i dont think he knows that he's one of the main reasons for my ed. him and myself that is. i love him more than ive ever loved anyone. but i dont know if i can suffer through a long distance relationship. to answer the question can i just go with him, i dont think so. i have so much here, my mom is sick, and theres school, and work, and my friends and family. why move 800 (actually its 794, i googled it) miles away to be with a guy who thinks i talk too much? i mean,i know i do and everything, but hes supposed to be my boyfriend. the truth is, i have something for him for before he leaves. i went to this little shop a few towns over and bought some lingere. and i'll even go out and eat with him, if he wants me to. he leaves in 2 weeks! that's just not long enough. why does god hate me? how come every time i find someone i love, god takes them away? why do i have to starve myself to be skinny? why cant i eat like a normal person?
life sucks.
i guess ill just have to suck it up right?
more in just a little while.
love you all
mwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
away in dreamland...
had the fuckin wierdest dream last night. wierd, and disgusting.
im like...running around town to every restaraunt i can find,
pizza hut, the chinese place, mcdonalds...buying everything i can think of.
pizza, that pizza hut pasta stuff, every kind of chinese food i can think of, and a bag full of double cheeseburgers, and a whole bunch of diet coke.
theres this forest thing behind pizza hut in our town, privately owned, and has a sign that says "NO TRESSPASSING" right at the enterance,
ive been there a million times to do things that are illegal.
anyway, im carrying all of this food back there, and im sitting there just stuffing my face, both hands full of food, one bite after another, just stuffing, stuffing my face.
im opening 20 oz diet cokes one after another.
i eat and eat, and eat, until every bite of food is gone.
and then, i stand over all of the empty containers....
and press the reverse button.
i woke up this morning and felt happy and disgusting all at the same time.
im thinking i might be making this dream come true here soon.
im starving.
Monday, January 12, 2009
i hate weekends...
my class ring is too big for my finger, like...waaay too big. my ex girlfriend looked at me today and said ''dude, when did you lose all that weight?''
i didny used to like my fingers, they were fat and...gross.
not so much like that any more.
im paying for it though.
i have a killer headache, i ate a pig in the blanket and two little orange juice things this morning and its starting to go away now.
i spent the entire weekend eating, but im trying the whole calorie shifting thing, so i decided im going to be extremely strict on myself during the week, like...anywhere from 200 to 300 calories a day, and then eat more like 900 calories a day on the weekends.
ate probably 1500 calories on Saturday
a mcdonalds breakfast burrito, a big movie theatre pickle, an entire package of graham crackers and a bowl of ramen noodles.
but for some reason my weight hasnt changed.
-shrugs-
oh well.
ate less yesterday, but still quite a bit.
been really craving pickles lately.
got one of those big jars of the really big really sour pickles and ive eaten about 6 of them.
the vinegar in them is supposedly a natural laxative, and i read some stuff about how people go on diets where they eat nothing but pickles and have lost weight.
my mom said something about how she thinks im pregnant.
i almost cried.
Dylon has been pretty straight forward about the fact that he doesnt want kids now, any time soon, or maybe not at all. he told me that he wouldnt know what he would do if i told him i was pregnant. i prayed last night that im not.
ive done a lot of thinking.
ive always wanted to be a mommy, just not at 17. and Dylon just turned 19.
but as far back as i can remember we've always been very careful.
but there's always that chance, ya know?
i think my stomach is just fucked up.
anyway,
my hair is falling out,
almost every time i run my fingers through my hair, at least 15 or 16 strands fall out
im shedding, and its all over the place.
dylon noticed that too. he looked at me the other day, ran his fingers through my hair, and shook his hand.
"what the hell, Amy? your hair is coming out."
i shrugged and told him that i think its from stress.
anyone know of any good thickening shampoos and conditioners?
my body is taking shape fairly well.
im still a whale, just not as big of a whale as i was.
once i get down to something not completely horrifying i will share some pictures, ok?
today, i think i might just eat a yogurt or something for dinner.
its really wierd, lately, since the holiday and everything, i get really sad and lonely as soon as it starts to get dark, and i dont want to be alone, i couldnt sleep last night because it was cold, and i was really lonely, so i went into the living room, my head pounding from my horibble headache that ive had for almost 2 days now. and curled up under the snuggly blanket next to my mom om the couch.
"im lonely"
my mom looked at me
"why?"
i shrugged
"i dunno"
but i dont even know why i went in there, as soon as she got the chance, she started arguing with me,
"that was really rude what you did earlier, completely ignoring me when you were on the phone with dylon, im your mother, and i was speaking to you"
"its rude to talk to someone while they're on the phone"
"it sounded like he was getting mad at you for not listening to him, i heard you tell him 'i am listening!' "
its true, he gets mad at me when im on the phone with him, and i dont give him my complete attention, but its rude to try to have a conversation with someone when theyre in the middle of a conversation with someone else, and she never wants to talk to me unless shes bitching at me, asking me to do something for her, or on the phone with someone else.
and everyone wonders why i smoke!
anyway, as always, thanks for everyone's support, leave me some comments, i looove getting everyones feedback!
stay strong
think thin girlies!
mwuah! kisses!
amybear <3
i didny used to like my fingers, they were fat and...gross.
not so much like that any more.
im paying for it though.
i have a killer headache, i ate a pig in the blanket and two little orange juice things this morning and its starting to go away now.
i spent the entire weekend eating, but im trying the whole calorie shifting thing, so i decided im going to be extremely strict on myself during the week, like...anywhere from 200 to 300 calories a day, and then eat more like 900 calories a day on the weekends.
ate probably 1500 calories on Saturday
a mcdonalds breakfast burrito, a big movie theatre pickle, an entire package of graham crackers and a bowl of ramen noodles.
but for some reason my weight hasnt changed.
-shrugs-
oh well.
ate less yesterday, but still quite a bit.
been really craving pickles lately.
got one of those big jars of the really big really sour pickles and ive eaten about 6 of them.
the vinegar in them is supposedly a natural laxative, and i read some stuff about how people go on diets where they eat nothing but pickles and have lost weight.
my mom said something about how she thinks im pregnant.
i almost cried.
Dylon has been pretty straight forward about the fact that he doesnt want kids now, any time soon, or maybe not at all. he told me that he wouldnt know what he would do if i told him i was pregnant. i prayed last night that im not.
ive done a lot of thinking.
ive always wanted to be a mommy, just not at 17. and Dylon just turned 19.
but as far back as i can remember we've always been very careful.
but there's always that chance, ya know?
i think my stomach is just fucked up.
anyway,
my hair is falling out,
almost every time i run my fingers through my hair, at least 15 or 16 strands fall out
im shedding, and its all over the place.
dylon noticed that too. he looked at me the other day, ran his fingers through my hair, and shook his hand.
"what the hell, Amy? your hair is coming out."
i shrugged and told him that i think its from stress.
anyone know of any good thickening shampoos and conditioners?
my body is taking shape fairly well.
im still a whale, just not as big of a whale as i was.
once i get down to something not completely horrifying i will share some pictures, ok?
today, i think i might just eat a yogurt or something for dinner.
its really wierd, lately, since the holiday and everything, i get really sad and lonely as soon as it starts to get dark, and i dont want to be alone, i couldnt sleep last night because it was cold, and i was really lonely, so i went into the living room, my head pounding from my horibble headache that ive had for almost 2 days now. and curled up under the snuggly blanket next to my mom om the couch.
"im lonely"
my mom looked at me
"why?"
i shrugged
"i dunno"
but i dont even know why i went in there, as soon as she got the chance, she started arguing with me,
"that was really rude what you did earlier, completely ignoring me when you were on the phone with dylon, im your mother, and i was speaking to you"
"its rude to talk to someone while they're on the phone"
"it sounded like he was getting mad at you for not listening to him, i heard you tell him 'i am listening!' "
its true, he gets mad at me when im on the phone with him, and i dont give him my complete attention, but its rude to try to have a conversation with someone when theyre in the middle of a conversation with someone else, and she never wants to talk to me unless shes bitching at me, asking me to do something for her, or on the phone with someone else.
and everyone wonders why i smoke!
anyway, as always, thanks for everyone's support, leave me some comments, i looove getting everyones feedback!
stay strong
think thin girlies!
mwuah! kisses!
amybear <3
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