ok. so i have been thinking for a little while on how to lose the excess weight so i can get back to my old self. and i came up with the 50 day ABC diet.
but i could really use someones support.
so if youre interested in starting here in the next few days then i would really appreciate your support.
im really really really intent on losing the extra weight.
i used to be around 120
im up to 157 in the past 3 months.
im a fucking disgusting cow. even moreso now than 3 months ago.
and i REALLY need to get all of this off.
there have been people who have lost up to 20 lbs in the 50 days. so im gonna triple my time.
i wanna get down to 98 lbs as soon as i can.
so super strict restriction and low caloric intake, my gym membership, and lots of water are gonna get me there.
WILLPOWER, WILLPOWER, WILLPOWER.
if youre interested i will send you the list that i have of the different days and calorie intakes for those days. if youre ready for 150 days or even a few weeks i could really really really use the help.
im not at my best right now and i know that without someone pushing me i might not be strong enough to do it.
so im begging.
just drop me a comment.
please and thank you.
Showing posts with label ugly. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ugly. Show all posts
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
"why do you starve yourself?"
dylon and i have been having trust issues since he left.
which i dont guess is abnormal or anything, considering the fact that he now resides 800 miles away.
i got really dizzy at work yesterday, and almost passed out.
when i told dylon, he asked what i thought was wrong, and i said that i may have just forgotten to eat.
he said alright, but my concience (spelling???) was still on my ass about it.
so i told him about how ive been abusing diet pills. and i told him about how i have been intentionally starving myself for months now, and i told him about how i feel inferior to him.
and he cried.
and then we just had this conversation where everything came out.
he talked about something he did over the summer.
before we actually got together.
he told me about a cocaine habit that he had.
i asked him how many times he did it, and he said "i dunno...maybe 8, maybe 10, maybe 12"
i asked him "who did you do this with?"
and he asked "did i ever tell you about Eric?"
i shook my head, even though he couldnt see me.
"No"
Dylon took a deep breath, and sighed a little, and was silent for second.
"Eric was the only guy i have ever had sex with, in my entire life."
i wont lie, i was shocked, disgusted, and turned on all at the same time.
i mean, i stick my fingers down my throat and make myself throw up when i think that i have eaten too much, so who am i to judge, not to mention, i was in love with my ex girlfriend.
i sighed, and asked "how many times did you do it?"
he said "i can think of about 5 times, but it's more of the reason of why i did it. to get the cocaine more or less, but i wont say i didnt enjoy it."
my boyfriend had sex with another guy, and he liked it.
how am i supposed to feel about that? how am i supposed to react? what the hell am i supposed to say?
i just wanted to hold him.
i had never felt so close to someone as i had with him at that moment.
"Why do you starve yourself?" he asked, after he had finished telling me about all of this
then it was my turn to be silent.
i opened my mouth..."to be perfect for you."
so here we are, the girl with the eating disorder who abuses diet pills, and the binge drinking, recovering cocaine/pill addict.
but i like to think were more than just that.
im an artist, and he is so passionate about so many things.
he's so smart, and wise beyond his years.
and we find it in our hearts to care about each other.
and im in love with him.
for real this time.
and it feels like im floating on air.
which i dont guess is abnormal or anything, considering the fact that he now resides 800 miles away.
i got really dizzy at work yesterday, and almost passed out.
when i told dylon, he asked what i thought was wrong, and i said that i may have just forgotten to eat.
he said alright, but my concience (spelling???) was still on my ass about it.
so i told him about how ive been abusing diet pills. and i told him about how i have been intentionally starving myself for months now, and i told him about how i feel inferior to him.
and he cried.
and then we just had this conversation where everything came out.
he talked about something he did over the summer.
before we actually got together.
he told me about a cocaine habit that he had.
i asked him how many times he did it, and he said "i dunno...maybe 8, maybe 10, maybe 12"
i asked him "who did you do this with?"
and he asked "did i ever tell you about Eric?"
i shook my head, even though he couldnt see me.
"No"
Dylon took a deep breath, and sighed a little, and was silent for second.
"Eric was the only guy i have ever had sex with, in my entire life."
i wont lie, i was shocked, disgusted, and turned on all at the same time.
i mean, i stick my fingers down my throat and make myself throw up when i think that i have eaten too much, so who am i to judge, not to mention, i was in love with my ex girlfriend.
i sighed, and asked "how many times did you do it?"
he said "i can think of about 5 times, but it's more of the reason of why i did it. to get the cocaine more or less, but i wont say i didnt enjoy it."
my boyfriend had sex with another guy, and he liked it.
how am i supposed to feel about that? how am i supposed to react? what the hell am i supposed to say?
i just wanted to hold him.
i had never felt so close to someone as i had with him at that moment.
"Why do you starve yourself?" he asked, after he had finished telling me about all of this
then it was my turn to be silent.
i opened my mouth..."to be perfect for you."
so here we are, the girl with the eating disorder who abuses diet pills, and the binge drinking, recovering cocaine/pill addict.
but i like to think were more than just that.
im an artist, and he is so passionate about so many things.
he's so smart, and wise beyond his years.
and we find it in our hearts to care about each other.
and im in love with him.
for real this time.
and it feels like im floating on air.
Monday, January 26, 2009
eat me, drink me.
mY fElLoW cOmRaDeS:
Ok. So I hope that everyone’s weekend went well.
Mine went alright despite the fact that because I was bleeding from my crotch the entire weekend, I ate like a cow.
And I lost my cell phone on Friday in the bathroom of the school, and didn’t have it all weekend. It really sucked, like…whoa.
Lol.
But they found it and someone turned it in and I have it now,
It’s close to dying, but whatev.
Had like a million text messages, and some missed calls from my friend Jesse.
Anywho.
Been working everyday, it’s a pretty good deal, I’m always busy lately, and I really like that, I like staying busy.
Going over to crystal’s house this weekend, I think.
I think she wants me to bring a pizza with me.
Might pick up some popcorn or something.
Going insane.
Couldn’t stop eating all weekend. Finally managed to pull it together yesterday.
Gonna try to keep my caloric intake pretty low today.
Under 500 or so.
Ate a graham cracker for breakfast, and a few sips of milk, total-55 calories
Gonna eat some yogurt here in about an hour-total 110 calories
Maybe a cup of peaches-45 calories
Maybe…
Because id like to eat a grilled chicken salad for lunch, total-200 calories
Have baby carrots and half of a pickle in my bag, so I might stop at either Red Top or Whataburger and grab a salad.
Red Tops Chicken is less greasy,
So I might just do that.
Anywho.
My plan for today:
7:00: graham cracker-55
11:15 am: yogurt, diet coke-110
1:30 pm: grilled chicken salad? Half a pickle, serving of baby carrots, diet coke- 280
5:00 pm: half can of soup, diet coke- 60
Daily total- 505
From 6 pm to 10 pm : work
Note: NO SNACKING AT WORK!!!
Walk to and from work
Walk to the store after work
1000 jumping jacks (to get my heart rate up)
Maybe jog a few laps around the courtyard outside
Clean out car
If I get hungry after work, I’ll eat that cup of peaches and chew on some cinnamon gum.
Learned that it really helps the cravings, and makes it a hell of a lot easier to go without food.
My cinnamon gum, water, diet coke, and cigarettes are now my best friends.
That reminds me, I do need some more gum for tomorrow.
And I need to go and pay my cell phone bill.
Last night, after I got off of work (yesterdays food intake, a grilled chicken sandwich, extra pickles, easy mayo, and a taco) I had so much energy! I walked to the store, took trash back and forth to the dumpster about 3 times, swept and mopped the kitchen, danced a little, washed some clothes, and moved around a lot.
Felt really good about it.
Today will be even better
I know it will because I believe in myself.
I just have to retrain myself to go without so much food.
I’ll just have to restrict so much that my stomach cant take much more.
And if im really good this week, keep my caloric intake low.
And don’t eat anything all day before I go to crystal’s house.
I’ll allow myself some pizza and popcorn.
So then I have something to look forward to.
Think im gonna rent saw 5 and take it over there.
Cant wait to get another paycheck!!
This one should be pretty big.
Like…close to 400
But I have to wait until the fifth!
Dammit.
Lol
My eye really itches, but I don’t want to scratch because I look cute today and I don’t want to ruin it.
Spent a while putting on my eyeliner, and straightening my bangs and curling the rest of my hair, teasing it to curliness, and picking out a cute outfit
Black long-sleeved t-shirt
Kind of boot-cut, skinny jean type things with double cuffs and black converse.
Was driving this morning, and I was in the left hand turn lane, and the guy driving past me was so busy checking me out that he was hardly driving!!
Boosted my ego a little. Haha.
Ok,
So I have 192 dollars, and 60 of it has to go to my cell phone bill
10 in gas
And I still owe my mom dinner
But I think I’ll be giving her a rain check on that
Im going to make her wait until I have some money saved up to start paying her back.
Id like to have something to fall back on just in case this job doesn’t work out in the long run.
Figured I’d put the entirety of my paychecks into my savings account.
Transfer 10 or 20 into my checking,
And use that for my spending money to buy stuff at work and what have you .
Of course, I’ll still be draining my savings to buy things like food and cigarettes during school hours, like I always have.
But still…
Gonna try to build my savings back up.
And then start paying my mom. I get a paycheck on the 5th and 20th of each month.
Im working 6 days a week, and so…
We’ll say….what like….12 out of 15, say an average of 5 hours a day, minus one or two days….
Should have enough to pay back my mom in a few months.
Lots of math going on here today…
Anywho.
Have a wonderful day everyone!
update- took 7 relacores today and 2 ibprofen
downed with diet coke.
think it'll help me any?
me and my friend jessica are going on a diet together!
lol.
Ok. So I hope that everyone’s weekend went well.
Mine went alright despite the fact that because I was bleeding from my crotch the entire weekend, I ate like a cow.
And I lost my cell phone on Friday in the bathroom of the school, and didn’t have it all weekend. It really sucked, like…whoa.
Lol.
But they found it and someone turned it in and I have it now,
It’s close to dying, but whatev.
Had like a million text messages, and some missed calls from my friend Jesse.
Anywho.
Been working everyday, it’s a pretty good deal, I’m always busy lately, and I really like that, I like staying busy.
Going over to crystal’s house this weekend, I think.
I think she wants me to bring a pizza with me.
Might pick up some popcorn or something.
Going insane.
Couldn’t stop eating all weekend. Finally managed to pull it together yesterday.
Gonna try to keep my caloric intake pretty low today.
Under 500 or so.
Ate a graham cracker for breakfast, and a few sips of milk, total-55 calories
Gonna eat some yogurt here in about an hour-total 110 calories
Maybe a cup of peaches-45 calories
Maybe…
Because id like to eat a grilled chicken salad for lunch, total-200 calories
Have baby carrots and half of a pickle in my bag, so I might stop at either Red Top or Whataburger and grab a salad.
Red Tops Chicken is less greasy,
So I might just do that.
Anywho.
My plan for today:
7:00: graham cracker-55
11:15 am: yogurt, diet coke-110
1:30 pm: grilled chicken salad? Half a pickle, serving of baby carrots, diet coke- 280
5:00 pm: half can of soup, diet coke- 60
Daily total- 505
From 6 pm to 10 pm : work
Note: NO SNACKING AT WORK!!!
Walk to and from work
Walk to the store after work
1000 jumping jacks (to get my heart rate up)
Maybe jog a few laps around the courtyard outside
Clean out car
If I get hungry after work, I’ll eat that cup of peaches and chew on some cinnamon gum.
Learned that it really helps the cravings, and makes it a hell of a lot easier to go without food.
My cinnamon gum, water, diet coke, and cigarettes are now my best friends.
That reminds me, I do need some more gum for tomorrow.
And I need to go and pay my cell phone bill.
Last night, after I got off of work (yesterdays food intake, a grilled chicken sandwich, extra pickles, easy mayo, and a taco) I had so much energy! I walked to the store, took trash back and forth to the dumpster about 3 times, swept and mopped the kitchen, danced a little, washed some clothes, and moved around a lot.
Felt really good about it.
Today will be even better
I know it will because I believe in myself.
I just have to retrain myself to go without so much food.
I’ll just have to restrict so much that my stomach cant take much more.
And if im really good this week, keep my caloric intake low.
And don’t eat anything all day before I go to crystal’s house.
I’ll allow myself some pizza and popcorn.
So then I have something to look forward to.
Think im gonna rent saw 5 and take it over there.
Cant wait to get another paycheck!!
This one should be pretty big.
Like…close to 400
But I have to wait until the fifth!
Dammit.
Lol
My eye really itches, but I don’t want to scratch because I look cute today and I don’t want to ruin it.
Spent a while putting on my eyeliner, and straightening my bangs and curling the rest of my hair, teasing it to curliness, and picking out a cute outfit
Black long-sleeved t-shirt
Kind of boot-cut, skinny jean type things with double cuffs and black converse.
Was driving this morning, and I was in the left hand turn lane, and the guy driving past me was so busy checking me out that he was hardly driving!!
Boosted my ego a little. Haha.
Ok,
So I have 192 dollars, and 60 of it has to go to my cell phone bill
10 in gas
And I still owe my mom dinner
But I think I’ll be giving her a rain check on that
Im going to make her wait until I have some money saved up to start paying her back.
Id like to have something to fall back on just in case this job doesn’t work out in the long run.
Figured I’d put the entirety of my paychecks into my savings account.
Transfer 10 or 20 into my checking,
And use that for my spending money to buy stuff at work and what have you .
Of course, I’ll still be draining my savings to buy things like food and cigarettes during school hours, like I always have.
But still…
Gonna try to build my savings back up.
And then start paying my mom. I get a paycheck on the 5th and 20th of each month.
Im working 6 days a week, and so…
We’ll say….what like….12 out of 15, say an average of 5 hours a day, minus one or two days….
Should have enough to pay back my mom in a few months.
Lots of math going on here today…
Anywho.
Have a wonderful day everyone!
update- took 7 relacores today and 2 ibprofen
downed with diet coke.
think it'll help me any?
me and my friend jessica are going on a diet together!
lol.
Friday, January 23, 2009
im a fat cow.
so i got hungry last night.
oh god did i get hungry.
double bacon cheeseburger on texas toast, grilled onions, a large french fry with ketchup, and a 44 oz diet coke.
i ate it all, even though i wasnt really hungry after about the first 4 bites.
i ate and ate and ate and ate and kept eating.
and there was absoloutely no purge afterwards.
my stomach is bloated and uncomfortable even the next day.
but the good news is i probably wont be hungry for anything all day today.
still havent gotten a chance to talk to dylon. dont know what im going to do.
to answer Jenna's question, not me anymore, but it used to be.
and what i will be again.
right now im a fat disgusting cow.
will update later.
mwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear
oh god did i get hungry.
double bacon cheeseburger on texas toast, grilled onions, a large french fry with ketchup, and a 44 oz diet coke.
i ate it all, even though i wasnt really hungry after about the first 4 bites.
i ate and ate and ate and ate and kept eating.
and there was absoloutely no purge afterwards.
my stomach is bloated and uncomfortable even the next day.
but the good news is i probably wont be hungry for anything all day today.
still havent gotten a chance to talk to dylon. dont know what im going to do.
to answer Jenna's question, not me anymore, but it used to be.
and what i will be again.
right now im a fat disgusting cow.
will update later.
mwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Im writing this on a word document because the stupid school internet is being gay.
(I’ll copy and paste later)
Anywho, I thought I would share with everyone how my pro-ana lifestyle came to be.
Ive been on and off of diets since I was about 11. ive always been overweight.
I would vow to lay off of the crap food, and start exercising more, this would last all of about a week, and then I was right back to the potato chips, snack cakes, and pizza.
Then I met Dylon.
We have been friends for a couple of years now, and id always had this huge crush on him. Tall, skinny, and broody with a 9 inch Mohawk and a bad attitude.
Did I mention tall and skinny? REALLY skinny.
We met at school, and our friendship became close, we confided in each other, and I can still hear the words “I wont date a girl who looks like she weighs as much or more than I do.”
At that point, Dylon weighed 162. So off I went, on a casual diet, to lose weight so that Dylon would give me a second glance as more than just a friend.
I lost some weight, and people started to comment, “wow! You look amazing! How did you do it? You’ve lost so much weight!”
I kept dieting. And then I came across a pro ana website…actually, I googled it. No reason to beat around the bush here.
i became obsessed with being thin, i made a thinspo book, and then i turned my blog from just an every day account of a teenage girls life, to a completely ana obsessed site. do i regret it? not one bit. i have lost 30 pounds in the past 4 months and i dont plan on stopping any time soon. when i tell people i still want to lose 30 more pounds, they look at me funny. like "from where?".
i like that.
anyway, Dylon called me last night, but i didnt answer. the voicemail he sent went a little something like this
"uh...hey amybear, its me, just calling to see what's up. didnt see you today, i guess if i dont hear from you today, ill give you a call tomorrow...i...i love you amy...goodnight."
he used his sweet little boy voice...i hate it when he does that.
yesterday i went to dinner with Raymond, we shared a plate of brocolli beef (he got the beef, i got the brocolli) we ate with chopsticks (i was eating extremely slow, and taking lots of drinks from my diet coke).
it was alright, i havent eaten much since 7 pm yesterday
one cup of progresso chicken and rice soup. apparently it has 0 weight watchers points, and 60 calories per serving, i ate a serving about 3 this morning, because my stomach was killing me, and i drank some lime flavored, carbonated water. its wierd, used to be id have to eat the whole can of soup, and still not feel completely full, now, i eat half a can, and feel satisfied, and even full. it's wierd. i definately dont mind it though. lol.
thinking i might head out to get something this next class period, skip psycology class and maybe go get a can of soup or something at wal mart. sounds good. =)
will probably hear from dylon after work today, still not entirely sure i will be answering his phone calls. considering the fact that im still unbelievable peeved at him.
we'll see though,
i am NOT going to take any money with me to work today, i will NOT let myself binge eat on fried crap. i will NOT get back into that habit again.
woke up this morning, and my tummy was flat and pretty, im afraid to eat because i dont want to screw that up =(
remember ladies, think thin, stay safe, and starve on!
mwuah!!
xoxoxo
amybear
ps. thanks for all the lovely comments on my last post. i really do love all of the support!
kisses!
(I’ll copy and paste later)
Anywho, I thought I would share with everyone how my pro-ana lifestyle came to be.
Ive been on and off of diets since I was about 11. ive always been overweight.
I would vow to lay off of the crap food, and start exercising more, this would last all of about a week, and then I was right back to the potato chips, snack cakes, and pizza.
Then I met Dylon.
We have been friends for a couple of years now, and id always had this huge crush on him. Tall, skinny, and broody with a 9 inch Mohawk and a bad attitude.
Did I mention tall and skinny? REALLY skinny.
We met at school, and our friendship became close, we confided in each other, and I can still hear the words “I wont date a girl who looks like she weighs as much or more than I do.”
At that point, Dylon weighed 162. So off I went, on a casual diet, to lose weight so that Dylon would give me a second glance as more than just a friend.
I lost some weight, and people started to comment, “wow! You look amazing! How did you do it? You’ve lost so much weight!”
I kept dieting. And then I came across a pro ana website…actually, I googled it. No reason to beat around the bush here.
i became obsessed with being thin, i made a thinspo book, and then i turned my blog from just an every day account of a teenage girls life, to a completely ana obsessed site. do i regret it? not one bit. i have lost 30 pounds in the past 4 months and i dont plan on stopping any time soon. when i tell people i still want to lose 30 more pounds, they look at me funny. like "from where?".
i like that.
anyway, Dylon called me last night, but i didnt answer. the voicemail he sent went a little something like this
"uh...hey amybear, its me, just calling to see what's up. didnt see you today, i guess if i dont hear from you today, ill give you a call tomorrow...i...i love you amy...goodnight."
he used his sweet little boy voice...i hate it when he does that.
yesterday i went to dinner with Raymond, we shared a plate of brocolli beef (he got the beef, i got the brocolli) we ate with chopsticks (i was eating extremely slow, and taking lots of drinks from my diet coke).
it was alright, i havent eaten much since 7 pm yesterday
one cup of progresso chicken and rice soup. apparently it has 0 weight watchers points, and 60 calories per serving, i ate a serving about 3 this morning, because my stomach was killing me, and i drank some lime flavored, carbonated water. its wierd, used to be id have to eat the whole can of soup, and still not feel completely full, now, i eat half a can, and feel satisfied, and even full. it's wierd. i definately dont mind it though. lol.
thinking i might head out to get something this next class period, skip psycology class and maybe go get a can of soup or something at wal mart. sounds good. =)
will probably hear from dylon after work today, still not entirely sure i will be answering his phone calls. considering the fact that im still unbelievable peeved at him.
we'll see though,
i am NOT going to take any money with me to work today, i will NOT let myself binge eat on fried crap. i will NOT get back into that habit again.
woke up this morning, and my tummy was flat and pretty, im afraid to eat because i dont want to screw that up =(
remember ladies, think thin, stay safe, and starve on!
mwuah!!
xoxoxo
amybear
ps. thanks for all the lovely comments on my last post. i really do love all of the support!
kisses!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
life in general...
start my new job tomorrow
im a waitress at a diner-type place
the owner only hires pretty girls, the whole town knows that.
while i was there today for my orientation, an old friend of mine who is...bigger, we'll call her "s"
came in, shes around 300 lbs, and has wierd colored hair and a tongue ring. i hate her now, but there was a time when we were very close. she looks at me, looks at the owner and asks "can i apply for a job?"
you know what the guy said?
no!!!
makes me feel pretty good to know that i guess im considered "pretty"
i start work tomorrow.
started a 24 hour fast at 8 this morning, if all goes well, i might extend it to 48 hours, this is my first fast, so im trying to take it slow.
anyway, i have to go shopping for work pants tonight, not excited, i hate shopping for clothes.
im nervous about my new job.
scared that my mom will want to celebrate my new job with some kind of dinner, will eat very little if i have to eat at all.
i feel like a cow.
and im nervous about work tomorrow.
wish me luck!!!
im a waitress at a diner-type place
the owner only hires pretty girls, the whole town knows that.
while i was there today for my orientation, an old friend of mine who is...bigger, we'll call her "s"
came in, shes around 300 lbs, and has wierd colored hair and a tongue ring. i hate her now, but there was a time when we were very close. she looks at me, looks at the owner and asks "can i apply for a job?"
you know what the guy said?
no!!!
makes me feel pretty good to know that i guess im considered "pretty"
i start work tomorrow.
started a 24 hour fast at 8 this morning, if all goes well, i might extend it to 48 hours, this is my first fast, so im trying to take it slow.
anyway, i have to go shopping for work pants tonight, not excited, i hate shopping for clothes.
im nervous about my new job.
scared that my mom will want to celebrate my new job with some kind of dinner, will eat very little if i have to eat at all.
i feel like a cow.
and im nervous about work tomorrow.
wish me luck!!!
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