okay, so here's my post from yesterday:
2/10/09
Okay…
So the weekend was uneventful. Trying to get back on track with my eating. Have lost four pounds in the past 3 weeks though, so I’m pretty happy about that. Been working and going to school. Spent a lot of the weekend talking to Dylon on the phone. I was so sure that we were close to our end after he told me about Eric, and after we had those arguments, seriously, this whole past week, we were arguing and fighting about just little stupid shit, not even anything serious. I skipped all day on Friday, and we went to see that movie “The Uninvited” anyone looking for some kind of thinspiration should definitely check that movie out. Not to mention it’s pretty amazing. I was shocked at the end. Got into a pretty physical fight with my mom yesterday, but I guess we’re okay now. I have a lump or something on the back of my arm, two bruises on my right wrist, and some scratches on my face, neck and hands. (she should really think about clipping those nails).
Today, so far, I haven’t eaten anything, but I’m thinking I might go get a rice bowl, or something.
Oh! I almost forgot. Campbell’s Select Harvest has this Light soup, it’s only 50 calories a serving, and it’s pretty good. The southwestern style vegetable is my favorite.
I’ve been surviving off of this stuff
My weekend went like this
12:30- wake up, call dylon (because by the time I woke up I had already missed his call 5 or 6 times)
Talk to dylon for a couple of hours, maybe 3, lay in bed and pretty much do nothing.
3:30- eat one half can of soup, and a piece of 45 calorie bread, toasted (total: 95 calories!)
4:00- get ready for work
5:00-10:00-work
Immediately after work I call Dylon, and even last night we were on the phone until 2:30 a.m. when I get home I eat the other half can of soup, and one more piece of toast.
Daily caloric intake- 190 (that’s with NO snacking, and eating two entire meals a day!)
Also, I’m now spending an average of…7 hours a day on the phone on any given weekend, and around 4 hours a day during the school week.
That’s over 30 hours a week!
If I could get paid for that, I could make an amazing living.
Anyway,
I think I’m done for today, but I will keep you all posted and updated.
I know that I haven’t been posting as often, and I know that my posts are becoming less and less about food, but the truth is, I’m so ashamed of eating like a cow that I don’t want you all to have to read it. But I do appreciate you all being here for me, and commenting me. I love you all dearly!
Stay strong ladies!!!
Mwuah!
Xoxoxoxoxox
Amybear <3
today, so far, i haven't eaten anything.
unless you count the vegan grilled cheese dipped in my magic soup i ate about 2:30-3:00 this morning.
so it's been about 7 hours since my last meal.
took 3 hydroxycut (cant remember how to spell it) this morning and my metabolism is raging and very angry that i havent fed myself yet.
i probably would have, had i not woken up almost an hour late this morning.
we'll blame my mom for that.
smoked a cigarette, took those pills, and drank a diet coke with some lime juice in it this morning.
was taking pictures of myself in the mirrior in my bathroom yesterday to send to dylon.
because now that he's so far away, i figured he deserves it.
before i finish what i was about to tell you all, i want to go back to about...eh....5 months ago.
im standing in front of the same mirrior in my bathroom that i was standing in front of last night, holding the same cell phone with the same camera, even wearing the same damn clothes. same beatles shirt, faded blue jeans, and black leather dickies belt.
the shirt was tight,
the jeans were tight,
the belt was 10 notches away from being too small.
i stood in front of that mirrior last night, and had to hold the shirt in the back to get the same look as i had in that shirt 5 months ago.
to get it to look tight.
the jeans now have almost 5 inches of empty space in them.
and the belt is 22 (i just counted) notches away from the end.
i sent the picture of the chubbier version of me to dylon, and then a picture of the new and improved dylon...
and for the first time since ive started all of this...
ive really SEEN the difference.
and...it makes it all worth it.
Dylon even said that he thinks my body is sexy.
that he loves my hips, and my stomach.
and he wants a picture of my stomach...
im hungry.
okay everyone
that's all for now!
stay strong everyone!!!
mwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear <3
Showing posts with label dylon. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dylon. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
"why do you starve yourself?"
dylon and i have been having trust issues since he left.
which i dont guess is abnormal or anything, considering the fact that he now resides 800 miles away.
i got really dizzy at work yesterday, and almost passed out.
when i told dylon, he asked what i thought was wrong, and i said that i may have just forgotten to eat.
he said alright, but my concience (spelling???) was still on my ass about it.
so i told him about how ive been abusing diet pills. and i told him about how i have been intentionally starving myself for months now, and i told him about how i feel inferior to him.
and he cried.
and then we just had this conversation where everything came out.
he talked about something he did over the summer.
before we actually got together.
he told me about a cocaine habit that he had.
i asked him how many times he did it, and he said "i dunno...maybe 8, maybe 10, maybe 12"
i asked him "who did you do this with?"
and he asked "did i ever tell you about Eric?"
i shook my head, even though he couldnt see me.
"No"
Dylon took a deep breath, and sighed a little, and was silent for second.
"Eric was the only guy i have ever had sex with, in my entire life."
i wont lie, i was shocked, disgusted, and turned on all at the same time.
i mean, i stick my fingers down my throat and make myself throw up when i think that i have eaten too much, so who am i to judge, not to mention, i was in love with my ex girlfriend.
i sighed, and asked "how many times did you do it?"
he said "i can think of about 5 times, but it's more of the reason of why i did it. to get the cocaine more or less, but i wont say i didnt enjoy it."
my boyfriend had sex with another guy, and he liked it.
how am i supposed to feel about that? how am i supposed to react? what the hell am i supposed to say?
i just wanted to hold him.
i had never felt so close to someone as i had with him at that moment.
"Why do you starve yourself?" he asked, after he had finished telling me about all of this
then it was my turn to be silent.
i opened my mouth..."to be perfect for you."
so here we are, the girl with the eating disorder who abuses diet pills, and the binge drinking, recovering cocaine/pill addict.
but i like to think were more than just that.
im an artist, and he is so passionate about so many things.
he's so smart, and wise beyond his years.
and we find it in our hearts to care about each other.
and im in love with him.
for real this time.
and it feels like im floating on air.
which i dont guess is abnormal or anything, considering the fact that he now resides 800 miles away.
i got really dizzy at work yesterday, and almost passed out.
when i told dylon, he asked what i thought was wrong, and i said that i may have just forgotten to eat.
he said alright, but my concience (spelling???) was still on my ass about it.
so i told him about how ive been abusing diet pills. and i told him about how i have been intentionally starving myself for months now, and i told him about how i feel inferior to him.
and he cried.
and then we just had this conversation where everything came out.
he talked about something he did over the summer.
before we actually got together.
he told me about a cocaine habit that he had.
i asked him how many times he did it, and he said "i dunno...maybe 8, maybe 10, maybe 12"
i asked him "who did you do this with?"
and he asked "did i ever tell you about Eric?"
i shook my head, even though he couldnt see me.
"No"
Dylon took a deep breath, and sighed a little, and was silent for second.
"Eric was the only guy i have ever had sex with, in my entire life."
i wont lie, i was shocked, disgusted, and turned on all at the same time.
i mean, i stick my fingers down my throat and make myself throw up when i think that i have eaten too much, so who am i to judge, not to mention, i was in love with my ex girlfriend.
i sighed, and asked "how many times did you do it?"
he said "i can think of about 5 times, but it's more of the reason of why i did it. to get the cocaine more or less, but i wont say i didnt enjoy it."
my boyfriend had sex with another guy, and he liked it.
how am i supposed to feel about that? how am i supposed to react? what the hell am i supposed to say?
i just wanted to hold him.
i had never felt so close to someone as i had with him at that moment.
"Why do you starve yourself?" he asked, after he had finished telling me about all of this
then it was my turn to be silent.
i opened my mouth..."to be perfect for you."
so here we are, the girl with the eating disorder who abuses diet pills, and the binge drinking, recovering cocaine/pill addict.
but i like to think were more than just that.
im an artist, and he is so passionate about so many things.
he's so smart, and wise beyond his years.
and we find it in our hearts to care about each other.
and im in love with him.
for real this time.
and it feels like im floating on air.
Friday, January 23, 2009
im a fat cow.
so i got hungry last night.
oh god did i get hungry.
double bacon cheeseburger on texas toast, grilled onions, a large french fry with ketchup, and a 44 oz diet coke.
i ate it all, even though i wasnt really hungry after about the first 4 bites.
i ate and ate and ate and ate and kept eating.
and there was absoloutely no purge afterwards.
my stomach is bloated and uncomfortable even the next day.
but the good news is i probably wont be hungry for anything all day today.
still havent gotten a chance to talk to dylon. dont know what im going to do.
to answer Jenna's question, not me anymore, but it used to be.
and what i will be again.
right now im a fat disgusting cow.
will update later.
mwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear
oh god did i get hungry.
double bacon cheeseburger on texas toast, grilled onions, a large french fry with ketchup, and a 44 oz diet coke.
i ate it all, even though i wasnt really hungry after about the first 4 bites.
i ate and ate and ate and ate and kept eating.
and there was absoloutely no purge afterwards.
my stomach is bloated and uncomfortable even the next day.
but the good news is i probably wont be hungry for anything all day today.
still havent gotten a chance to talk to dylon. dont know what im going to do.
to answer Jenna's question, not me anymore, but it used to be.
and what i will be again.
right now im a fat disgusting cow.
will update later.
mwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Im writing this on a word document because the stupid school internet is being gay.
(I’ll copy and paste later)
Anywho, I thought I would share with everyone how my pro-ana lifestyle came to be.
Ive been on and off of diets since I was about 11. ive always been overweight.
I would vow to lay off of the crap food, and start exercising more, this would last all of about a week, and then I was right back to the potato chips, snack cakes, and pizza.
Then I met Dylon.
We have been friends for a couple of years now, and id always had this huge crush on him. Tall, skinny, and broody with a 9 inch Mohawk and a bad attitude.
Did I mention tall and skinny? REALLY skinny.
We met at school, and our friendship became close, we confided in each other, and I can still hear the words “I wont date a girl who looks like she weighs as much or more than I do.”
At that point, Dylon weighed 162. So off I went, on a casual diet, to lose weight so that Dylon would give me a second glance as more than just a friend.
I lost some weight, and people started to comment, “wow! You look amazing! How did you do it? You’ve lost so much weight!”
I kept dieting. And then I came across a pro ana website…actually, I googled it. No reason to beat around the bush here.
i became obsessed with being thin, i made a thinspo book, and then i turned my blog from just an every day account of a teenage girls life, to a completely ana obsessed site. do i regret it? not one bit. i have lost 30 pounds in the past 4 months and i dont plan on stopping any time soon. when i tell people i still want to lose 30 more pounds, they look at me funny. like "from where?".
i like that.
anyway, Dylon called me last night, but i didnt answer. the voicemail he sent went a little something like this
"uh...hey amybear, its me, just calling to see what's up. didnt see you today, i guess if i dont hear from you today, ill give you a call tomorrow...i...i love you amy...goodnight."
he used his sweet little boy voice...i hate it when he does that.
yesterday i went to dinner with Raymond, we shared a plate of brocolli beef (he got the beef, i got the brocolli) we ate with chopsticks (i was eating extremely slow, and taking lots of drinks from my diet coke).
it was alright, i havent eaten much since 7 pm yesterday
one cup of progresso chicken and rice soup. apparently it has 0 weight watchers points, and 60 calories per serving, i ate a serving about 3 this morning, because my stomach was killing me, and i drank some lime flavored, carbonated water. its wierd, used to be id have to eat the whole can of soup, and still not feel completely full, now, i eat half a can, and feel satisfied, and even full. it's wierd. i definately dont mind it though. lol.
thinking i might head out to get something this next class period, skip psycology class and maybe go get a can of soup or something at wal mart. sounds good. =)
will probably hear from dylon after work today, still not entirely sure i will be answering his phone calls. considering the fact that im still unbelievable peeved at him.
we'll see though,
i am NOT going to take any money with me to work today, i will NOT let myself binge eat on fried crap. i will NOT get back into that habit again.
woke up this morning, and my tummy was flat and pretty, im afraid to eat because i dont want to screw that up =(
remember ladies, think thin, stay safe, and starve on!
mwuah!!
xoxoxo
amybear
ps. thanks for all the lovely comments on my last post. i really do love all of the support!
kisses!
(I’ll copy and paste later)
Anywho, I thought I would share with everyone how my pro-ana lifestyle came to be.
Ive been on and off of diets since I was about 11. ive always been overweight.
I would vow to lay off of the crap food, and start exercising more, this would last all of about a week, and then I was right back to the potato chips, snack cakes, and pizza.
Then I met Dylon.
We have been friends for a couple of years now, and id always had this huge crush on him. Tall, skinny, and broody with a 9 inch Mohawk and a bad attitude.
Did I mention tall and skinny? REALLY skinny.
We met at school, and our friendship became close, we confided in each other, and I can still hear the words “I wont date a girl who looks like she weighs as much or more than I do.”
At that point, Dylon weighed 162. So off I went, on a casual diet, to lose weight so that Dylon would give me a second glance as more than just a friend.
I lost some weight, and people started to comment, “wow! You look amazing! How did you do it? You’ve lost so much weight!”
I kept dieting. And then I came across a pro ana website…actually, I googled it. No reason to beat around the bush here.
i became obsessed with being thin, i made a thinspo book, and then i turned my blog from just an every day account of a teenage girls life, to a completely ana obsessed site. do i regret it? not one bit. i have lost 30 pounds in the past 4 months and i dont plan on stopping any time soon. when i tell people i still want to lose 30 more pounds, they look at me funny. like "from where?".
i like that.
anyway, Dylon called me last night, but i didnt answer. the voicemail he sent went a little something like this
"uh...hey amybear, its me, just calling to see what's up. didnt see you today, i guess if i dont hear from you today, ill give you a call tomorrow...i...i love you amy...goodnight."
he used his sweet little boy voice...i hate it when he does that.
yesterday i went to dinner with Raymond, we shared a plate of brocolli beef (he got the beef, i got the brocolli) we ate with chopsticks (i was eating extremely slow, and taking lots of drinks from my diet coke).
it was alright, i havent eaten much since 7 pm yesterday
one cup of progresso chicken and rice soup. apparently it has 0 weight watchers points, and 60 calories per serving, i ate a serving about 3 this morning, because my stomach was killing me, and i drank some lime flavored, carbonated water. its wierd, used to be id have to eat the whole can of soup, and still not feel completely full, now, i eat half a can, and feel satisfied, and even full. it's wierd. i definately dont mind it though. lol.
thinking i might head out to get something this next class period, skip psycology class and maybe go get a can of soup or something at wal mart. sounds good. =)
will probably hear from dylon after work today, still not entirely sure i will be answering his phone calls. considering the fact that im still unbelievable peeved at him.
we'll see though,
i am NOT going to take any money with me to work today, i will NOT let myself binge eat on fried crap. i will NOT get back into that habit again.
woke up this morning, and my tummy was flat and pretty, im afraid to eat because i dont want to screw that up =(
remember ladies, think thin, stay safe, and starve on!
mwuah!!
xoxoxo
amybear
ps. thanks for all the lovely comments on my last post. i really do love all of the support!
kisses!
Monday, January 12, 2009
i hate weekends...
my class ring is too big for my finger, like...waaay too big. my ex girlfriend looked at me today and said ''dude, when did you lose all that weight?''
i didny used to like my fingers, they were fat and...gross.
not so much like that any more.
im paying for it though.
i have a killer headache, i ate a pig in the blanket and two little orange juice things this morning and its starting to go away now.
i spent the entire weekend eating, but im trying the whole calorie shifting thing, so i decided im going to be extremely strict on myself during the week, like...anywhere from 200 to 300 calories a day, and then eat more like 900 calories a day on the weekends.
ate probably 1500 calories on Saturday
a mcdonalds breakfast burrito, a big movie theatre pickle, an entire package of graham crackers and a bowl of ramen noodles.
but for some reason my weight hasnt changed.
-shrugs-
oh well.
ate less yesterday, but still quite a bit.
been really craving pickles lately.
got one of those big jars of the really big really sour pickles and ive eaten about 6 of them.
the vinegar in them is supposedly a natural laxative, and i read some stuff about how people go on diets where they eat nothing but pickles and have lost weight.
my mom said something about how she thinks im pregnant.
i almost cried.
Dylon has been pretty straight forward about the fact that he doesnt want kids now, any time soon, or maybe not at all. he told me that he wouldnt know what he would do if i told him i was pregnant. i prayed last night that im not.
ive done a lot of thinking.
ive always wanted to be a mommy, just not at 17. and Dylon just turned 19.
but as far back as i can remember we've always been very careful.
but there's always that chance, ya know?
i think my stomach is just fucked up.
anyway,
my hair is falling out,
almost every time i run my fingers through my hair, at least 15 or 16 strands fall out
im shedding, and its all over the place.
dylon noticed that too. he looked at me the other day, ran his fingers through my hair, and shook his hand.
"what the hell, Amy? your hair is coming out."
i shrugged and told him that i think its from stress.
anyone know of any good thickening shampoos and conditioners?
my body is taking shape fairly well.
im still a whale, just not as big of a whale as i was.
once i get down to something not completely horrifying i will share some pictures, ok?
today, i think i might just eat a yogurt or something for dinner.
its really wierd, lately, since the holiday and everything, i get really sad and lonely as soon as it starts to get dark, and i dont want to be alone, i couldnt sleep last night because it was cold, and i was really lonely, so i went into the living room, my head pounding from my horibble headache that ive had for almost 2 days now. and curled up under the snuggly blanket next to my mom om the couch.
"im lonely"
my mom looked at me
"why?"
i shrugged
"i dunno"
but i dont even know why i went in there, as soon as she got the chance, she started arguing with me,
"that was really rude what you did earlier, completely ignoring me when you were on the phone with dylon, im your mother, and i was speaking to you"
"its rude to talk to someone while they're on the phone"
"it sounded like he was getting mad at you for not listening to him, i heard you tell him 'i am listening!' "
its true, he gets mad at me when im on the phone with him, and i dont give him my complete attention, but its rude to try to have a conversation with someone when theyre in the middle of a conversation with someone else, and she never wants to talk to me unless shes bitching at me, asking me to do something for her, or on the phone with someone else.
and everyone wonders why i smoke!
anyway, as always, thanks for everyone's support, leave me some comments, i looove getting everyones feedback!
stay strong
think thin girlies!
mwuah! kisses!
amybear <3
i didny used to like my fingers, they were fat and...gross.
not so much like that any more.
im paying for it though.
i have a killer headache, i ate a pig in the blanket and two little orange juice things this morning and its starting to go away now.
i spent the entire weekend eating, but im trying the whole calorie shifting thing, so i decided im going to be extremely strict on myself during the week, like...anywhere from 200 to 300 calories a day, and then eat more like 900 calories a day on the weekends.
ate probably 1500 calories on Saturday
a mcdonalds breakfast burrito, a big movie theatre pickle, an entire package of graham crackers and a bowl of ramen noodles.
but for some reason my weight hasnt changed.
-shrugs-
oh well.
ate less yesterday, but still quite a bit.
been really craving pickles lately.
got one of those big jars of the really big really sour pickles and ive eaten about 6 of them.
the vinegar in them is supposedly a natural laxative, and i read some stuff about how people go on diets where they eat nothing but pickles and have lost weight.
my mom said something about how she thinks im pregnant.
i almost cried.
Dylon has been pretty straight forward about the fact that he doesnt want kids now, any time soon, or maybe not at all. he told me that he wouldnt know what he would do if i told him i was pregnant. i prayed last night that im not.
ive done a lot of thinking.
ive always wanted to be a mommy, just not at 17. and Dylon just turned 19.
but as far back as i can remember we've always been very careful.
but there's always that chance, ya know?
i think my stomach is just fucked up.
anyway,
my hair is falling out,
almost every time i run my fingers through my hair, at least 15 or 16 strands fall out
im shedding, and its all over the place.
dylon noticed that too. he looked at me the other day, ran his fingers through my hair, and shook his hand.
"what the hell, Amy? your hair is coming out."
i shrugged and told him that i think its from stress.
anyone know of any good thickening shampoos and conditioners?
my body is taking shape fairly well.
im still a whale, just not as big of a whale as i was.
once i get down to something not completely horrifying i will share some pictures, ok?
today, i think i might just eat a yogurt or something for dinner.
its really wierd, lately, since the holiday and everything, i get really sad and lonely as soon as it starts to get dark, and i dont want to be alone, i couldnt sleep last night because it was cold, and i was really lonely, so i went into the living room, my head pounding from my horibble headache that ive had for almost 2 days now. and curled up under the snuggly blanket next to my mom om the couch.
"im lonely"
my mom looked at me
"why?"
i shrugged
"i dunno"
but i dont even know why i went in there, as soon as she got the chance, she started arguing with me,
"that was really rude what you did earlier, completely ignoring me when you were on the phone with dylon, im your mother, and i was speaking to you"
"its rude to talk to someone while they're on the phone"
"it sounded like he was getting mad at you for not listening to him, i heard you tell him 'i am listening!' "
its true, he gets mad at me when im on the phone with him, and i dont give him my complete attention, but its rude to try to have a conversation with someone when theyre in the middle of a conversation with someone else, and she never wants to talk to me unless shes bitching at me, asking me to do something for her, or on the phone with someone else.
and everyone wonders why i smoke!
anyway, as always, thanks for everyone's support, leave me some comments, i looove getting everyones feedback!
stay strong
think thin girlies!
mwuah! kisses!
amybear <3
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