APOLOGIES

things have been insane from the time we came back to town.
we went to dallas to visit my dad for christmas, and in the week we were gone my uncle had a stroke and we got the call the same night my dumbass brother tried to start a fight with my boyfriend.
How have you lovely ladies been lately?
things here have been ok i suppose.
it took us forever to get our shit together enough to get a laptop. and we still dont have the internet. as i write this i'm in a coffee shop sipping green tea next to a painting of a girl with rainbow colored  hair.
being 21 has been hard so far.
(i had my 21st march 6th and drank all the Patron at the bar that night lol)
been working as a caregiver for old people, kind of a self contracting thing through a company that is supposed to be finding me clients. but they're not keeping up on their part of the deal. i worked all of 8 hours last week. how am i supposed to pay bills and buy everything a household needs on 8 hours a week?
I'm beginning to wonder if i'm going to stay fat for the rest of my life. Low self esteem is really starting to put a strain on my relationship. I'm definately not the same girl that Dennis fell in love with two and a half years ago. I was thinner, more self confident. Most days lately i dont even feel up to leaving the house, much less getting all dressed up or going out in front of a lot of people. I feel like i have developed this....shell. I'm happier these days alone in my house where i dont have to worry about how disgustingly fat and disappointing i am. I honestly hate myself.
I just feel....dead inside.
how am i supposed to be expected to love myself when i cant even look at myself in the mirrior? I'm sorry I let you all down. promising i would be back soon and then not coming back for 8 months. Getting huge and disgusting when most of you have probably managed to stay thin and beautiful. I need help but i dont know where to turn. I feel helpless in a fat suit that i cant take off.
I dont know if i can live like this anymore.