Friday, October 26, 2012

some days the sky is grey...

my kitty came back :)
he was gone for the worst 27 hours of my life. it felt like someone had taken away little pieces of my heart.

but he's back now so all is well.

i know it has been a while since my last post...i just feel like a complete cheater  blogging about how i want to lose weight for my wedding and how i wish i had willpower but then doing nothing about it. i feel like ive failed myself. im in this deep black hole and i dont know if i will ever be able to come back.

i hate myself for giving up. for letting my body blow up like it has. i look at myself every day in the mirror and wonder what it is that Dennis sees in me. how he can tell me how beautiful i am when i look like a troll that belongs under a bridge somewhere. who would want to marry me?

my self confidence is a major issue in our relationship. im constantly paranoid that he is going to find someone that is prettier or skinnier or someone who likes to go out in public and drop me like a hot potato.

he keeps telling me how beautiful and wonderful i am...and i can he say that? doesnt he see what i see every day?  a huge, disgusting blob of fat and flubber that doesnt deserve to live or be loved?

i just know that if i cant get myself under control, accomplish the goals that i have set for myself and have been putting off and avoiding because i am a fat lazy piece of shit with no willpower, that my relationship with him is going to suffer greatly because of it.

i remember when i had self confidence, when i could put on just about anything in my closet and feel beautiful even with no make up on. now i can spend three or four hours getting ready and still feel like a monster.

i am sorry that i have let everyone down and that i have now become a pathetic loser.
i am sorry that i can not have as much self control as all of you.
i am sorry i am so ugly and disgusting.

i dont deserve to be happy.


Sunday, October 14, 2012

my kitty :[

i dont think ive ever been so depressed in my life.
my kitty is missing.
my uncle, who has been staying with us, went outside this morning at about 3 and he ran outside and hid under my car parked in the driveway, and my uncle knew and he went back to bed.
my stupid retard of an uncle left my declawed house cat alone outside at 3 in the morning.
weve been looking all day. ive been walking around the neighborhood putting up flyers and calling him and shaking his treats.
what if hes hurt? what if hes lost and he cant find his way home?
im so scared. i havent stopped crying since this morning.
i just want my kitty back.
i cant stop thinking about when we got him 3 years ago and he was so tiny and adorable and he used to snuggle with me in my bed and try to nurse on my ear in his sleep. i remember him riding around in the car with me. i remember him never leaving my side any time i was sick or depressed.
i miss him so much. its like having my heart ripped out and stomped on. i cant sleep. i feel like if i go to sleep and i stop looking even for a few minutes ive given up on him.
i have to get up at 4 to go look for him. i cant leave him outside.

what am i going to do????

Thursday, October 11, 2012

going to take a minute to be very blunt and honest.
the only reason i am nervous to get married is because im terrified that i wont reach my goal weight before i walk down the aisle.
im nervous to try on dresses and feel sick that im disgusting and fat and ugly. im scared that i wont ever want to look at my wedding pictures. i just feel so sick with myself.

i just want my wedding day to be the happiest day of my life. getting to profess my love to dennis and commit myself to him in front of all of our friends and family. and i just know that i will only be thinking about how fat and disgusting i look in front of everyone if i dont work my ass off this next year to make myself beautiful.

i will do my absolute best.
i will work out every single day
i will eat only when necessary
i will focus on myself more
i will be gorgeous on my wedding day :)

think beautiful ladies
will update the more i get done

daisy <3 p="p">

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

here are just a few of the ideas ive seen that i fell in love with. let me know what you think!

save the date

been online all morning getting ideas for dresses, decorations and cakes for the wedding. just found out that my stepbrother is getting married next october and i changed the date to december 1st 2013

so we have a date and a venue, and we know everything about our caterer
we also have a dj in mind and i know almost exactly what im doing with everyones outfits.

but i still dont have a ring :/

have had a sandwich and a cup of coffee so far today, did ok yesterday.

starting a bridal bootcamp with my maid of honor soon.

will post again later.
gonna work on my paper.
go to the college.
and clean my bedroom.

think beautiful ladies
daisy <3 p="p">

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

stressed and depressed :/

i probably shouldnt be posting right now. im supposed to be working on my financial aid paperwork for college if i plan on attending classes next semester i need to get everything in by the first of november. i came home from work and my house is a mess, the kitchen is a wreck, the tv was on full blast, theres water stains all over my glass coffee table and crap all over the place. like i have nothing better to do than run around cleaning up after everyone all of the time. im stressed out beyond the limit. im so tired of my uncle kenny living here. sure, he pays his part, but is it really worth playing cinderella? in almost three months hes washed one load of dishes. and the only laundry he does is his own. i spend my entire day off cleaning my house until its spotless and he comes home and throws his keys, wallet, various bottles of medicine, and whatever other crap he brings from his truck onto my dining room table. he spends his whole day getting drunk and making an ass out of himself. im sick of it.

either way, im up to 180 cals since i woke up at 6 this morning and im down two pounds since monday.
lets hope i can do better tomorrow.

im gonna get off of here because i have a million things to do .

stay strong ladies
daisy <3 p="p">

Monday, October 8, 2012

the time has come, the walrus said....

so we decided to go look at venues today for the wedding. and after a couple of tours i started wondering why people feel the need to spend a years worth of income on a single event. after a venue (1475) dresses, tuxes, flowers, decor, food, booze, invitations, and all of the other things that come along with a wedding, im compelled to go to the beach with a preacher and get married barefoot in the sand. but i feel like every girl in the world secretly dreams about the day when they walk down the aisle and every person in the room turns to look at her in a beautiful white dress and tells her how beautiful she is and how happy they are for her.

ok....sorry, didnt mean to get all sappy on you.

its very important to look amazing and feel amazing on my wedding day, and im going to do whatever it takes to be proud of who i am come october next year (no day set yet)

school in about an hour, unfortunately.

in at about 800 cals for the day, no more tonight. Not bad for just getting back to it?

will do better tomorrow.

sorry for such a short post but my stomach is killing me :/

stay strong beautiful ladies

daisy <3>

Sunday, October 7, 2012

ahhhh so good to be back :)

the weather is finally starting to change here. i live close to the texas coast so we dont really get to enjoy the cold weather until late october and sometimes people wear shorts at christmas time. but it was only 57 today. i love the cooler weather. plus, once the weather cools down we finally get a break from all of the mosquitos!
i really have been doing better this past couple of days, really making consious decisions. taking it all really slow. weve been kind of broke lately so its been hard to please me and dennis at the same time. sometimes i have to make the sacrafices. thats what relationships are all about. im out of stuff to smoke so therefore im not suffering from the munchies, which can unravel everything. been filling up as much as i can with water and diet coke, and i really have been thinking about the green coffee extract. ive read a few things about it and it has all been good. they say that it works twice as well with the colon clense, and its cheaper than the healthe trim i was taking at more than eighty dollars a bottle.

just ready to feel good about myself again. im tired of hating the way i look in everything i put on.
dennis is sweet, always telling me how beautiful and gorgeous i am. and always telling me that i dont need to cut back on anything. but at the end of the day its all about how i feel about myself, and at the end of today im sure i will feel the same way i did at the end of yesterday. like crap.

i was reading some of my posts from 08 and 09 and i was laughing over how young and retarded i was. one second im all over one guy, and the next im in love with someone else. i remember some of it, but i dont remember ever being that dumb. i guess you have to grow up some time eh?

i had an interview with a pet store the other day and im really hoping i get it. ive always wanted to work with animals. my cousin worked for the same pet store about ten years ago and it looked like so much fun. i bought a laser pointer for my kitty cat today and he ran around like crazy trying to catch the little red light. wouldnt it be great for life to be as simple as it is for a house cat? sleep and eat and play and wait for mommy and daddy to come home so you can get attention. no self consiousness, no work, no bills, no worries.

i should probably be researching for my paper, which is due thursday, but i really dont feel up to it right now, i only get so many days off. I guess even research would be better than the crap that dennis has insisted on watching tonight. who, honestly, wants to waste time watching people run cars and motorcycles into walls...or each other...or whatever. after the first video or so it goes from funny to annoying. but there are some things that just come along with being in a relationship.

i really appreciate the comments. please keep them coming and i promise to comment you back! im back for good this time.

stay strong ladies!
daisy <3>

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Because Today Is A New Day....and Today I Am a New Person

Ive been feeling myself approaching a lot of changes in my life. I got my first tattoo last weekend, two daisies hugged around the words "all you need is love" and a few hearts and stars on my foot. It hurt a lot less than i was expecting, but it still hurt like hell. The same weekend i dyed my hair for the first time in more than six years, bleached the dark brown blonde on the bottom layers, and darkened the top layers to black. I feel myself changing and i feel like i should change my look to match. Every day is a new day, and this morning i woke up at six thirty, after a night of drinking and partying with some of my closest friends, and decided that i will not be the same person i have spent the last two and a half years of my life being. i will be the girl that Dennis deserves. The girl he wants to take out and show off. It is almost noon and i have had nothing but a large cup of coffee and a glass of diet coke. i will probably drink a cappuccino slim fast shake and eat a few baby carrots for lunch just to keep my metabolism up, and then hold out for dinner. a few pieces of baked chicken breast and some steamed veggies. living with a man that inhales half a gallon of ice cream, or two or three double cheeseburgers at a time can be challenging for a my position. not to mention my uncle, who is staying with us for now, keeps bringing home things like hot wings, and candy. the dieting thing was much much easier when it was just me and my blind mother, who couldnt tell if i hadnt eaten in three days. i have to do this for myself though. and when i do, i will get another tattoo. the words quod me nutrit, me destruit accross the bottom of my stomach, to remind me every time i look in the mirrior exactly what i am working so hard for. i will smoke when i am hungry, i will drink water when i feel a binge coming on. i will not let this get in my way of happiness anymore. it stops today ladies. i promise.

water fast tomorrow. to get rid of some of the bloat.
exercise classes next week :)

Friday, October 5, 2012

i just wanted to write a little before i head to bed. i was actually already in bed before i got up and went outside to smoke a cigarette. im a little drunk so forgive any misspellings. it took me about six tries to log in before i realized i was using the wrong password. Dennis and i went out to my friend K's house for her twenty second birthday party, and stopped on the way to pick her up a tequila rose gift set with two shot glasses before we got there, it was delicious. we were also drinking something called pink panties, which is whipped cream flavored vodka and pink lemonade of which i clearly had a couple too many. tis ok though because we got home safe and i dont ever ever drink. i just know that when i have to wake up here in about six hours that im gonna feel like shit and really wish i hadnt done that. i have honestly missed my blog and all of you soooo much. i felt like no one understood what i was going through. D and i had a conversation about my blogging....about how much it has helped me to get through some of the toughest times in my life. from breakups to binges i have pretty much posted it all on here. sometimes its easier to spill your guts to people who you dont have to live with day in and day out. he seemed surprised when i told him that ive had weight and food issues from as far back as i can remember. probably five or six years old honestly. its not something that came along one day and its not something that is going to go away in a day or two. he doesnt understand, hes never sat in a classroom full of people and wondered whether the girls behind him were laughing because he looked fat in his jeans, or spent lunch time in the library just to avoid the crowd of people that might possibly be talking about him. in all of his twenty five years hes never sat in his car and cried about how huge he was. he just doesnt understand the pressure on females to look perfect, and be thin and beautiful. it doesnt matter to guys. not that its his fault. its not. but i wont stop posting just to make him happy. its not gonna happen. i love him but ive been doing this for five years, and its theraputic to post all of your feelings, and hear what girls going through the same sorts of things i am have to say. dont pay me any mind, a few too many drinks. im not even sure that this has made sense. honestly though, thank you to all of you beautiful ladies who have commented on my posts, you'll never know how much it means to me. i think im gonna hit the sack before dennis notices that im not in bed anymore and comes out here lol. please take a look at my last post today and comment me if you have any experience with spinning classes, the green coffee extract pill, or anything else that make me feel amazing in a wedding dress. this is it, im not going to put myself through this bullshit. the time for depression and hating myself has to end, i cant live my life like this, in this body that i feel imprisioned in. i have to let myself breathe. i have to free the person that i know i can be and make myself whole again. it isnt worth it. no food is worth my self respect. and i have to stop bingeing just because im sad or angry or depressed. im counting on this blog to kind of carry me through this. to be able to post daily about how im feeling it all really really helps i think. meh, drunk rambling. im really sorry to whoever has to read this. goodnight world. see you tomorrow.

daisy <3>

Gorgeous Ladies!

hello lovlies!

well guess who finally joined the rest of the world in the 21st century? thats right amybear finally got the internet at her house lol so be expecting a lot more posts from me from now on. now that i can post anytime.

how has everyone been?

so dennis and i decided to start talking through some plans for a wedding!
 not saying engaged because he didnt formally ask or anything, but the planning has begun, and we're thinking around the end of october next year. and i am determined to look stunning in my wedding dress! so here we go again ladies. lets all keep our fingers crossed for each other lol.

been thinking about soul cycle classes, does anyone have an opinion on those?
hcg diet? has anyone had any kind of good experiences with that?
any kind of really really really strong diet pills that could get me started off right?

because it doesnt matter how pretty the tables and the decorations and the wedding party look. or how great the food and the music are if i look like a cow in my dress on my wedding day. and there is no reason why i cant look amazing if i have a year to get there right? please please please ladies comments are extremely appreciated!

i promise i will post as much as humanly possible from here on out now that i finally have the internet at my house and its easier to get on.