Monday, September 29, 2008

...And Mondays still suck...

so im pretending to be someone else on air g (this website where mark has a profile, kind of like a chatline for your cellphone). A girl named Maurita who is hitting on mark.
"so a nice looking guy like you must have some kind of girlfriend"
"nope, we broke up a while ago"
he tells me to my face that he loves me and that he cares about me, and then when he meets some other girl he gets all nice and completely forgets that he used me to get off the night before.
but for some reason i cant walk away.
its almost like im addicted to him.
i just wish the feeling was mutual.
i feel really used by him...
the dreams i have of him are unrealistic, and ridiculious.
but i cant stop having them.
i wish i could find something in my life that is steady, and doesnt wobble as much as i do.
my life lately is crazy hectic.
with work, and school, and the hurricane, and missing a period, and mark, and justin, i have a lot more on my plate than i can eat.
i need to get rid of a lot of stuff.
but im so attached to it all....
i hate my english teacher, btw.
shes a stupid hillbilly biker woman with no imagination whatsoever.
its annoying how she would rather talk about her weekend, and how she rode her motorcycle than actually teach the class.

Friday, September 26, 2008


I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.See how they run like pigs from a gun, see how they fly.I'm crying.Sitting on a cornflake, waiting for the van to come.Corporation tee-shirt, stupid bloody tuesday.Man, you been a naughty boy, you let your face grow long.I am the eggman, they are the eggmen.I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob.Mister city policeman sittingPretty little policemen in a row.See how they fly like lucy in the sky, see how they run.I'm crying, i'm crying.I'm crying, i'm crying.Yellow matter custard, dripping from a dead dog's eye.Crabalocker fishwife, pornographic priestess,Boy, you been a naughty girl you let your knickers down.I am the eggman, they are the eggmen.I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob.Sitting in an english garden waiting for the sun.If the sun don't come, you get a tanFrom standing in the english rain.I am the eggman, they are the eggmen.I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob g'goo goo g'joob.Expert textpert choking smokers,Don't you thing the joker laughs at you?See how they smile like pigs in a sty,See how they snied.I'm crying.Semolina pilchard, climbing up the eiffel tower.Elementary penguin singing hari krishna.Man, you should have seen them kicking edgar allan poe.I am the eggman, they are the eggmen.I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob g'goo goo g'joob.Goo goo g'joob g'goo goo g'joob g'goo.
"The time has come," the Walrus said, "To talk of many things: Of shoes -- and ships -- and sealing wax -- Of cabbages and kings -- And why the sea is boiling hot -- And whether pigs have wings." - Lewis Carroll

i wanna hold your hand <3

i walked with Kimmi from english to computer class, she kept touching my hair.
"awwww, look at your little pony tail"
it seems like shes the only one who notices it when i make subtle changes to my hair, or clothes.
and i remember that she smelled sooooo good.
shes the only person ive ever been in love with.
she made my tummy jump, and my heart skip beats. when i could make her laugh, it was an amazing feeling. When i could make her feel better....when she called me to cheer her up...when she kissed me...
when i kissed her...
when we kissed each other...

I told Mark that i want a little girl and i want to name her know what he said? "do you want me to give you a little girl?"
he wants a baby with me...
before, the only time he said sweet things to me was when he was trying to get me off, now we can actually have a conversation and the sweet things will just fall out of his mouth.

Justin is sad
because i told him i think that hes moving too fast...the truth is, i feel ok about hurting him.
i dont care about him. i was perfectly fine this week, hardly talking to him
he doesnt make my tummy jump...

work is killing me.
im so busy lately that i dont have time to sit down. im really proud of myself though, because ive managed pretty well, sure, i fall asleep in some classes, but that's expected, and sure, i dont turn in any homework for my SAT prep class, but no one does that stupid homework. i hate that class, and it's too late to drop it. i havent understood a word the damn teacher has said since the first day i walked into the classroom. I hate my english teacher too. shes too caught up in dancing, and her little cheerleader daughter...she pisses me off.

Thursday, September 25, 2008


Thursday Morning...the morning after.


so he called me last night, just as i was pulling my algebra homework out of my bag.

needless to say, i neglected the algebra.

and failed it this morning when we graded it.

56. my mother would be proud of me.


mark called, and we were talking about something...and he said "once you turn 21 you're mine, i just thought you should know that."

and when i asked him what that meant i got "im going to ask you to be with me."

he said he already has the date all planned out...


he found a bunch of kittens.

he named the fat one Ralph. he said it's funny because all of the other kittens are jumping and playing, and Ralph doesnt jump as high, and he has problems moving around because he's so fat.

he said that ralph got all excited when it was dinner time.


it was a very enlightening conversation.

he was talking about his cat, Sidney.

he loves that cat.

i love him for loving that cat.

he loves dakota, too. i know he does.

he says "ill never play transformers with her again"

"why?" i ask

"because she cheats"

i think its adorable.

him and his god daughter, and all of his animals, and his fat kitten, and the fact that he thinks about our future together.

but should i feel bad about justin?

im the one who said i love you to him first.

and now i regret was during hurricane ike, not too long after the electricity, and i was going crazy...

Mark was the one who said it to me first.

and it still feels amazing when he does it.

but justin on the other hand.... not my type.

he's too sweet, and when he tries to be an asshole, its like he hits waaaaay below the belt, and then tries to make up for it!

he sucks at being a dick.

He's only made me laugh a couple of times.

whereas mark makes me laugh every day.

i like the fact that it's getting to where he calls me every night.

and yet in the mornings, when Justin calls me, im getting to where i ignore it the first time, and i pick up (reluctantly) the second time.


hopefully i can figure this out without hurting anyone too bad in the longrun.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008


Wednsday (my tummy hurts)

ok, so i finally got miss flo

or aunt flo, or whatever you wanna call it.

Anyway, she's here.

i had been freaking out, and even went as far as to buy a pregnancy test!

it came out negative, however.

i still have one more left, just in case i guess.

i keep it in a box on my headboard along with all of the other things i dont want anyone to see.

my cigarettes, lighter, pills, lotion, and...other things...

maybe i should add to the box a package of condoms?

might be the smart thing to do.

i got to watch half of the Sex and the City movie last night, we bought it right after it came out, but i was too busy talking to mark to watch all of it.

hes making me fall in love with him...

and then theres justin,

who got his phone turned back on this morning, and called me to wake me up.

i think hes starting to annoy me...

i feel bad because he's just...not my type.

Mark, on the other hand.

i had a dream about him.

hes an art teacher at my school, were married, and im pregnant with his baby. Were doing everything possible to keep people from knowing so he doesnt lose his (second) job. (on top of the whole graphic design artist thing...which, by the way, is sexy as hell-o). anyway, after a little while, were walking down the hall together, and he grabs my hand, and pushes me onto the wall of the hallway, and just starts kissing and biting me everywhere

"i dont want to hide us anymore, i love you amy"

....and then i woke up....

a sad state of affairs.

so far my senior year of high school has consisted of nothing but heartbreak and confusion...

and then there's Mark.

who one day can make me so happy i could scream, and then my heart is ripped from my chest by his bare hands.

he plays with it, but he has yet to completely break it.

im not sure he understands the gravity of my situation.

"now i cant have sex with any other girls, because ill feel like im cheating on you."

what am i supposed to take from that?

are we together?!?!?!

im beginning to feel guilty for using Justin.

and that is what it feels like...using him.

but im not sure i can give it up just yet, im not ready.

im in love with mark, but he's no guarantee.

he's sick, and he doesnt know the complete truth about me.

Justin on the other hand, he's sweet, and safe, and he loves me, and he knows everything about me, i wish i could just pick one already!

if i pick mark, my heart will eventually end up broken,

and if i pick Justin, i wont be completely happy.

because i dont love him, and i know that.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008


it's so disgusting the way im acting
i lied to justin when mark called last night
"my brothers calling, hold on"
and then i left him there, on the other line, for god knows how long.
crystal hasnt been at school for two days now, and im beginning to freak out, i miss my buddy.
he read me two poems he wrote,
in spanish and in english,
he knows about my spanish teacher thing...
i wont go into details with that however.
i havent worked since sunday, and im beginning to get pissed.
im calling up there on my off period.
because i need some kind of money
even though after two hours in that place, im ready to tear my hair out and stuff it down some one's throat.
im going to start writing again, and i have the most algebra homework ive had since the school year started.
he still makes fun of me for being in high school, but that makes one less lie ive told someone.
i havent talked to my brother in forever...
wonder how hes doing.
i got a text message from kimmi last night about how she went to bobbys house to eat dinner, and they laid in bed together and woke up together, and she was so happy when he told her that he loves her,
why on earth would i want to hear about my ex girlfriend and her new boyfriend?
oh yeah...because that comes with the territory of "being friends"
i dont hate her, id rather have her as a friend than as nothing at all, but it still hurts to hear about her with him,
hes not good enough for her,
she is turning right back into the person i fell in love with a year and a half ago...
shes the only person ive really ever loved...
her and mark...
but im not even sure that mark counts.
maybe so.
making her smile makes me happy, makes being around her so much easier, makes smiling not so hard,
i love making her laugh...

Monday, September 22, 2008


i had an alright weekend all in all,
i talked to Mark Saturday night for three hours
he told me he loves me
over and over and over again
i love the way he sounds when he says it....
i wish i could learn to trust him.
theres just a part of me that feels like hes lying about who he is.
i cant explain
its all just too perfect.
im helping him with his heroin addiction.
or so he says
he put the needle down
and chemo starts as soon as he gets back home...
i havent talked to him since then though.
all i heard was "ill be right back ok baby? hold on just a second. ill be right back"
and he never came back,
and he hasnt been in touch since.
im not sure what to think...
im so scared...

Thursday, September 18, 2008



Kissass is the Part of PeaceAmerica will have to
Kissass Mother
EarthWhites have to Kissass blacks,
for Peace & Pleasure,
Only Pathway to Peace,
-allen ginsbe(u)rg

i have been lied to...who the hell is mongo exactly? i will confront him tonight.
moroccan prison my ass.

Kraj Majales (King of May)

And the Communists have nothing to offer but fat cheeks and eyeglasses and lying policemen and the Capitalists proffer Napalm and money in green suitcases to the Naked, and the Communists create heavy industry but the heart is also heavy and the beautiful engineers are all dead, the secret technicians conspire for their own glamour in the Future, in the Future, but now drink vodka and lament the Security Forces, and the Capitalists drink gin and whiskey on airplanes but let Indian brown millions starve and when Communist and Capitalist assholes tangle the Just man is arrested or robbed or has his head cut off, but not like Kabir, and the cigarette cough of the Just man above the clouds in the bright sunshine is a salute to the health of the blue sky. For I was arrested thrice in Prague, once for singing drunk on Narodni street, once knocked down on the midnight pavement by a mustached agent who screamed out BOUZERANT, once for losing my notebooks of unusual sex politics dream opinions, and I was sent from Havana by planes by detectives in green uniform, and I was sent from Prague by plane by detectives in Czechoslovakian business suits, Cardplayers out of Cezanne, the two strange dolls that entered Joseph K's room at morn also entered mine and ate at my table, and examined my scribbles, and followed me night and morn from the houses of the lovers to the cafes of Centrum - And I am the King of May, which is the power of sexual youth, and I am the King of May, which is long hair of Adam and Beard of my own body and I am the King of May, which is Kraj Majales in the Czechoslovakian tongue, and I am the King of May, which is old Human poesy, and 100,000 people chose my name, and I am the King of May, and in a few minutes I will land at London Airport, and I am the King of May, naturally, for I am of Slavic parentage and a Buddhist Jew who whorships the Sacred Heart of Christ the blue body of Krishna the straight back of Ram the beads of Chango the Nigerian singing Shiva Shiva in a manner which I have invented, and the King of May is a middleeuropean honor, mine in the XX century despite space ships and the Time Machine, because I have heard the voice of Blake in a vision and repeat that voice. And I am the King of May that sleeps with teenagers laughing. And I am the King of May, that I may be expelled from my Kingdom with Honor, as of old, To show the difference between Caesar's Kingdom and the Kingdom of the May of Man - and I am the King of May because I touched my finger to my forehead saluting a luminous heavy girl trembling hands who said "one moment Mr. Ginsberg" before a fat young Plainclothesman stepped between our bodies - I was going to England - and I am the King of May, in a giant jetplane touching Albion's airfield trembling in fear as the plane roars to a landing on the gray concrete, shakes & expels air, and rolls slowly to a stop under the clouds with part of blue heaven still visible. And tho' I am the King of May, the Marxists have beat me upon the street, kept me up all night in Police Station, followed me thru Springtime Prague, detained me in secret and deported me from our kingdom by airplane. This I have written this poem on a jet seat in mid Heaven.

-Allen Ginsberg

Tonight I Can Write The Saddest Lines- By Pablo Neruda


Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
Write, for example,'The night is shatteredand the blue stars shiver in the distance.'The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my armsI kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me sometimes, and I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her.
To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is shattered and she is not with me.
This is all.
In the distance someone is singing.
In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, of that time, are no longer the same.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but how I loved her.
My voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
She will be another's. Like my kisses before.
Her voide.
Her bright body.
Her inifinite eyes.
I no longer love her, that's certain, but maybe I love her.
Love is so short, forgetting is so long.
Because through nights like this one I held her in my arms my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
Though this be the last pain that she makes me sufferand these the last verses that I write for her.

-Pablo Neruda

this is the poem he read me last night that made me want to burst into tears.
he said another favorite is "Howl" by Allen Ginsburg, im in the middle of reading it, but its really freaking long, so i wont post it, but google it! so far it's good!

Ike beat us like Tina

imagine having the lights go off at 6pm, not long before it gets dark.
imagine having to walk your legally blind mother to the bathroom with nothing but a flashlight.
i love my mom...but im not sure all of that is worth it.
Justin and i are saying "i love you" now.
although i think im just saying it to say it
i miss xander
and then theres the man who calls himself Michael, what his real name is no one knows.
but i cant understand a word he says.
hee hee.
so were just sitting in class, the stupid absence doesnt even count today.
i could be asleep RIGHT NOW
Mark read me the most beautiful poem last night, he said it was one of his favorites, it started off something like "tonight i can write the saddest lines"
i almost cried by the time he was finished.
my god im such a pansy.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


so theyre saying they might shut down our school for the hurricane...ike is my new best friend.
i got to talk to Mark last night after i got out of the shower. he sent me a text message that said "guess what i did last night" and then went into detail about some lude sexual act that he commited with two different girls in public at the SAME TIME. eww. i think he told me because he thought it would turn me on, because he says that it turns him on to think about me with another guy. i havent told him about what really happened with my neighbor this summer...and last week. i told him i didnt do it. i lied. and i did it again last friday. and i have to say it was amazing. but i didnt tell Mark because i feel like its none of his business. he claims to own me. i let him think that. it gets him off when he hears me say stuff like "you own me, i belong to you" he has a sick, morbid fascination with being the master of another person. but at the same time, hes also told me that he loves me....make sense? im not sure yet.
i wish raymond would stop being so creepy...
so we got a new manager at the place where i work, shes a dumb bitch.
she sure knows how to boss around another person, but at the same time, she has not an effing clue what to do. shes an idiot, and i have absoloutely no respect for her or anyone like her.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

chug! chug! chug! (later that tuesday)

so im sitting at lunch, with a few friends. ive finished my nachos. and im drinking my applesauce.
Raymond is egging me to chug it. so of course i do. and he touches my i spew...i smell all apple-y.
so the hot freshman chick that i walked to english the first week of school has a name...
and apparently shes dating Travis...aka guyliner.
i always liked that guy.
not like that though...
ive needed a blog for a long time. im hoping someone will be reading it and keep up with my life.
my art teacher just asked a kid what hes smoking..."honey whatre you smoking?"
so that chick did actually bring a typed version and a poaster for the story that i wrote. the one about Mark...
im going to work on a visual too.
a box of dying flowers....
ill update some other time.
stay tuned.


i got a call from the only person my heart jumps for last night.
i didnt answer it though...i was too busy sleeping. and his ringtone is so quiet! so i sent him a text message this morning...
his name is Mark,
and he tends to be amazing.
we had to write an epic in english class, and i swear i wrote about him.
he was my...inspiration.
the whole moroccan prison thing was kind of cool.
im seriously hoping i dont have to work today.
i need to go to the bank and put that paycheck in there.
its ridiculious how the hardest jobs pay the smallest salaries.
Justin usually calls to wake me up in the mornings, but i guess he forgot today, oh well, he overslept and then text me with some lame excuse.
me and kimmi were standing pretty close yesterday, closer than normal friends stand.
but she has a boyfriend...
but i miss her to death, even though her looks have gone.
i used to be prettier too.
but now im apparently just a "gender confused lesbian"
oh well.....
you get over it.
ill write later.