Friday, December 21, 2012

Moment of Silence...

well...we made it to the end of the last Mayan calender cycle. How do we all feel?

They had a moment of silence this morning for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre. 20 beautiful children and 6 women who's families have to bury them not even a week before Christmas. I swear I sat there and balled like a baby. Those poor parents...

There is a special place in Hell for people that decide shoot up Elementary Schools, and movie theaters, and places of worship because they feel cheated in life and are having a bad day.

Hug your families today ladies. Moms, Dads, and babies :)

lots of love to everyone

Thursday, December 20, 2012

...And we all fall down

i've quarantined myself in the house with my kitty for the past 2 days. i've been in my pajamas and my messy hair and i haven't called anyone or talked to anyone other than D and my uncle.

It's so much less complicated in here. Here i don't have to be constantly looking over my shoulder wondering what the people behind my back are saying about me. Everywhere i go, i'm constantly obsessed with whether people are looking at me and wondering why i would go into public with as fat and disgusting as i am. Most days i don't even feel like it's worth it to roll myself out of bed.

I don't think i've ever hated anyone as much as i hate myself.

The uglier i get however, the more beautiful my house becomes. i guess it's my fucked up way of compensating for myself.

Looking forward to helping D lay down the hardwood floors in the living room.
if we make it to the 27th, that is.

If this is the last post i ever get a chance to make i just want everyone to know that i tried...i tried to straighten myself out as best i could and i'm deeply sorry that i couldnt be perfect.

I can't wait to get my uncle out of the spare bedroom so i can have the space to set up my treadmill and easel and find a few things to fill in all of the time i wont be spending getting high and smoking cigarettes.

I really hope that tomorrow isn't the end of things, because there are so many things that i haven't done in life.
get married, and have a family, finish school and start my career, write a book and rock out all of these paintings that are stuck in my head.

i want to know what beautiful and thin and perfect feels like before my young life is ripped away from me.

parts of me cant help but think that D slept with someone else because i'm not pretty enough.
not small enough or sexy enough.

on another note, here are a few picures

                                                pee wee

                                               the front of my little house

                                                oh christmas tree

                                              living room decoration :)

family stockings. mommy, daddy, and pee wee titty 

This is a picture of one of my nieces, Cassidy, who everyone has told her whole life she looks like her aunt Amy

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

It's Beginning to Feel a Lot Like...

Well, D is off to work and i'm here by myself, watching (gasp) Jersey Shore.
They're fighting. Again.
The big one is all fucked up on that HGH and the Situation is all pain pilled out and they're about to go insane on each other.
And we are supposed to future of America?
Our children?

We decided not to spend all of our money on our nieces and nephews this year. The year before last we bought for D's four nieces and nephew, and then last year we spent a small fortune on my five nieces and nephew.

yeah, that's nine. From just my brother and his sister.
our siblings are fertile.

So I think he's gonna freak on Christmas morning :)
Honestly, after I was about 13 and my brother was moved out and it was just me and my mom, Christmas at our house was pretty bleak. It got to where we stopped putting up a tree or anything. My mom was going blind and couldn't see to drive around christmas shopping.

But after I found D, and he was so enthusiastic about the Holidays i started to find my Christmas spirit again. Even my mom was getting in on it.

I'm really excited to spend an entire week on Christmas vacation with him, and after Christmas we get to lay down the wood flooring our lanlord bought for our house :)

We've been talking about cutting back on the cigarettes, drinking, and crap so that we can get a new car. I'm         just tired of being broke because we're inviting over friends and entertaining three or four nights a week and buying alcohol, not to mention the pack of cigarettes we each smoke every day. I've been a pack a day smoker since i was 13 so...8 years, and i'm ready to quit so I can be around for a while. I don't want to have lung cancer, or not be able to do simple things because I can't breathe : /

So we'll see how the New Year's Resolution works.

Hope all is well in your homes.
Happy Holidays :)

Daisy <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">

Saturday, December 15, 2012

The Last Week On Earth...

Hey Beautiful Ladies,

I've been doing my Christmas shopping, getting ready for the day we might not even see. Wouldn't that suck if i'm spending all of my money to get presents and decorations and shit for Christmas and the fiery gates of Hell open up on the 21st?

Thinking about throwing an End of the World Party, inviting over everyone we know and just getting drunk as fuck. Could be fun, We'll see.

Working in the morning, godda get up early.

Friday, December 14, 2012

This Be The LAST Pain I Suffer

So in September D's "stepsister"came to see us for her 21st birthday and I went through all of this trouble to make her feel welcome in my home and try to be nice to her. She spent all of this time doing absoloutely nothing but talking about herself, all of this new make up she bought, her upcoming trip to las vegas, her, her, her, her until i was ready to shoot myself. Finally about eleven i decided it was time to turn in because i had work early the next morning.

 I have to admit that i was suspicious even before i went to sleep that night, leaving my boyfriend and this non-blood related female alone with a cooler full of beer. This was his chance to prove to me that he could be trusted.

About four in the morning i was woken up by the sound of my front door slamming and someone saying "I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette" I waited and waited and waited and didnt hear anything, no talking or noises on the front porch, where we smoke. so i decided to go investigate.

No one was in the house. No one was on the front porch. I sat and smoked a cigarette...and still didnt see anyone.

Where was everyone?

I went inside and walked through the house to the back door, which looks out onto the driveway.
I turned on the back porch light and walked out toward D's truck in the driveway. I heard D yell "Not Good,  Not Good!" as he saw me walking up toward the truck.
And guess who i found all twisted up together in the front seat?

D was trying to zip up his pants, and That Stupid Cunt was trying to cover up the fact that she didn't have any pants on. Both were so drunk that they could barely stand up from all of the swaying and wobbling they were doing. Neither could look me in the eye.

My heart was completely shattered. It felt like he had ripped it from my chest and stomped it into tiny specks of dust on the driveway.

How could this person, to whom i'd given my heart and dedicated my entire life, betray me like this? What about all of the times he'd sworn to be good to me and treat me right? What about the life we'd created together in this new house? Didn't any of that matter?

When i tried to ask her who the hell she thought she was, coming to my house and fucking my boyfriend behind my back like some order-by-the-hour whore, she took an ill-aimed swing at my face. So i proceeded to wrap my hand in her nappy ass hair and throw all two hundred and fifty pounds of her disgusting body to the ground. i punched her a couple of times and slapped the shit out of her. I don't even really remember what else happened between the last minutes of our altercation and when she ran off crying. From what i heard she threw up all over herself and passed out in a ditch.

Yes, every word of this story is true. It's more than three months later and i still think about it every day. We are working on my trust issues and rebuilding our relationship. I thought getting married would fix everything. But have since decided that it would be smarter to wait a while. So the wedding plans have been postponed for now. I still love him. I know it sounds stupid. but i really, in my heart, feel like he is a good guy who made a completely retarded drunken mistake.

I will continue to work on trusting D. I have been hurting a lot these last few months. Things in my head have flip-flopped and have been turned all inside out and backwards.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Chewing my own limb off to escape...

I know that it's been a long time since i've posted. most of my followers have left blogger by now anyway. i'm thinking i might start over again, completely revamp, let go of the past. I have to get past all of the issues and get my self confidence back.

I need a change. to commit to bettering myself. i just dont think i've taken it as seriously as i might should have. I'm in a hole.

Things have been even harder since I caught Dennis cheating on me in September. That killed any self confidence i may have had.

I still love my page, I just think i should maybe...change it up a little.

I guess if i want people to read i should post every once in a while, eh?

To all of you that are still reading i'd really like to thank you for your support and feedback. I know that here recently it's been a lot of whining and complaining.

I got my grades back for the semester today, an A in psychology and a B in Algebra. I'm switching to full time for the next semester so i'm really hoping it won't be overload with my job and taking care of my house and family.

I'm excited to grow and change and mature. I'm really looking forward to starting a career in the chemical plant and getting benefits.

I'm planning a wedding and i cant wait to start my own family. Life seems like it should be perfect, but it's just the fact that i cant look myself in the mirror that keeps me from being as happy as i should be.

I'm just ready to show Dennis that the girl that he met three years ago is still here, and that she still loves him even if she is broken and lost somewhere inside of this...thing that i've become.

this isn't me. I'm so scared that I'm going to let this hold me back from being the person i know that i can become. It's a terrifying thought, that i'm going to be stuck in this...fat suit that i've put on.

I don't want to be trapped here.

Friday, October 26, 2012

some days the sky is grey...

my kitty came back :)
he was gone for the worst 27 hours of my life. it felt like someone had taken away little pieces of my heart.

but he's back now so all is well.

i know it has been a while since my last post...i just feel like a complete cheater  blogging about how i want to lose weight for my wedding and how i wish i had willpower but then doing nothing about it. i feel like ive failed myself. im in this deep black hole and i dont know if i will ever be able to come back.

i hate myself for giving up. for letting my body blow up like it has. i look at myself every day in the mirror and wonder what it is that Dennis sees in me. how he can tell me how beautiful i am when i look like a troll that belongs under a bridge somewhere. who would want to marry me?

my self confidence is a major issue in our relationship. im constantly paranoid that he is going to find someone that is prettier or skinnier or someone who likes to go out in public and drop me like a hot potato.

he keeps telling me how beautiful and wonderful i am...and i can he say that? doesnt he see what i see every day?  a huge, disgusting blob of fat and flubber that doesnt deserve to live or be loved?

i just know that if i cant get myself under control, accomplish the goals that i have set for myself and have been putting off and avoiding because i am a fat lazy piece of shit with no willpower, that my relationship with him is going to suffer greatly because of it.

i remember when i had self confidence, when i could put on just about anything in my closet and feel beautiful even with no make up on. now i can spend three or four hours getting ready and still feel like a monster.

i am sorry that i have let everyone down and that i have now become a pathetic loser.
i am sorry that i can not have as much self control as all of you.
i am sorry i am so ugly and disgusting.

i dont deserve to be happy.


Sunday, October 14, 2012

my kitty :[

i dont think ive ever been so depressed in my life.
my kitty is missing.
my uncle, who has been staying with us, went outside this morning at about 3 and he ran outside and hid under my car parked in the driveway, and my uncle knew and he went back to bed.
my stupid retard of an uncle left my declawed house cat alone outside at 3 in the morning.
weve been looking all day. ive been walking around the neighborhood putting up flyers and calling him and shaking his treats.
what if hes hurt? what if hes lost and he cant find his way home?
im so scared. i havent stopped crying since this morning.
i just want my kitty back.
i cant stop thinking about when we got him 3 years ago and he was so tiny and adorable and he used to snuggle with me in my bed and try to nurse on my ear in his sleep. i remember him riding around in the car with me. i remember him never leaving my side any time i was sick or depressed.
i miss him so much. its like having my heart ripped out and stomped on. i cant sleep. i feel like if i go to sleep and i stop looking even for a few minutes ive given up on him.
i have to get up at 4 to go look for him. i cant leave him outside.

what am i going to do????

Thursday, October 11, 2012

going to take a minute to be very blunt and honest.
the only reason i am nervous to get married is because im terrified that i wont reach my goal weight before i walk down the aisle.
im nervous to try on dresses and feel sick that im disgusting and fat and ugly. im scared that i wont ever want to look at my wedding pictures. i just feel so sick with myself.

i just want my wedding day to be the happiest day of my life. getting to profess my love to dennis and commit myself to him in front of all of our friends and family. and i just know that i will only be thinking about how fat and disgusting i look in front of everyone if i dont work my ass off this next year to make myself beautiful.

i will do my absolute best.
i will work out every single day
i will eat only when necessary
i will focus on myself more
i will be gorgeous on my wedding day :)

think beautiful ladies
will update the more i get done

daisy <3 p="p">

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

here are just a few of the ideas ive seen that i fell in love with. let me know what you think!

save the date

been online all morning getting ideas for dresses, decorations and cakes for the wedding. just found out that my stepbrother is getting married next october and i changed the date to december 1st 2013

so we have a date and a venue, and we know everything about our caterer
we also have a dj in mind and i know almost exactly what im doing with everyones outfits.

but i still dont have a ring :/

have had a sandwich and a cup of coffee so far today, did ok yesterday.

starting a bridal bootcamp with my maid of honor soon.

will post again later.
gonna work on my paper.
go to the college.
and clean my bedroom.

think beautiful ladies
daisy <3 p="p">

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

stressed and depressed :/

i probably shouldnt be posting right now. im supposed to be working on my financial aid paperwork for college if i plan on attending classes next semester i need to get everything in by the first of november. i came home from work and my house is a mess, the kitchen is a wreck, the tv was on full blast, theres water stains all over my glass coffee table and crap all over the place. like i have nothing better to do than run around cleaning up after everyone all of the time. im stressed out beyond the limit. im so tired of my uncle kenny living here. sure, he pays his part, but is it really worth playing cinderella? in almost three months hes washed one load of dishes. and the only laundry he does is his own. i spend my entire day off cleaning my house until its spotless and he comes home and throws his keys, wallet, various bottles of medicine, and whatever other crap he brings from his truck onto my dining room table. he spends his whole day getting drunk and making an ass out of himself. im sick of it.

either way, im up to 180 cals since i woke up at 6 this morning and im down two pounds since monday.
lets hope i can do better tomorrow.

im gonna get off of here because i have a million things to do .

stay strong ladies
daisy <3 p="p">

Monday, October 8, 2012

the time has come, the walrus said....

so we decided to go look at venues today for the wedding. and after a couple of tours i started wondering why people feel the need to spend a years worth of income on a single event. after a venue (1475) dresses, tuxes, flowers, decor, food, booze, invitations, and all of the other things that come along with a wedding, im compelled to go to the beach with a preacher and get married barefoot in the sand. but i feel like every girl in the world secretly dreams about the day when they walk down the aisle and every person in the room turns to look at her in a beautiful white dress and tells her how beautiful she is and how happy they are for her.

ok....sorry, didnt mean to get all sappy on you.

its very important to look amazing and feel amazing on my wedding day, and im going to do whatever it takes to be proud of who i am come october next year (no day set yet)

school in about an hour, unfortunately.

in at about 800 cals for the day, no more tonight. Not bad for just getting back to it?

will do better tomorrow.

sorry for such a short post but my stomach is killing me :/

stay strong beautiful ladies

daisy <3>

Sunday, October 7, 2012

ahhhh so good to be back :)

the weather is finally starting to change here. i live close to the texas coast so we dont really get to enjoy the cold weather until late october and sometimes people wear shorts at christmas time. but it was only 57 today. i love the cooler weather. plus, once the weather cools down we finally get a break from all of the mosquitos!
i really have been doing better this past couple of days, really making consious decisions. taking it all really slow. weve been kind of broke lately so its been hard to please me and dennis at the same time. sometimes i have to make the sacrafices. thats what relationships are all about. im out of stuff to smoke so therefore im not suffering from the munchies, which can unravel everything. been filling up as much as i can with water and diet coke, and i really have been thinking about the green coffee extract. ive read a few things about it and it has all been good. they say that it works twice as well with the colon clense, and its cheaper than the healthe trim i was taking at more than eighty dollars a bottle.

just ready to feel good about myself again. im tired of hating the way i look in everything i put on.
dennis is sweet, always telling me how beautiful and gorgeous i am. and always telling me that i dont need to cut back on anything. but at the end of the day its all about how i feel about myself, and at the end of today im sure i will feel the same way i did at the end of yesterday. like crap.

i was reading some of my posts from 08 and 09 and i was laughing over how young and retarded i was. one second im all over one guy, and the next im in love with someone else. i remember some of it, but i dont remember ever being that dumb. i guess you have to grow up some time eh?

i had an interview with a pet store the other day and im really hoping i get it. ive always wanted to work with animals. my cousin worked for the same pet store about ten years ago and it looked like so much fun. i bought a laser pointer for my kitty cat today and he ran around like crazy trying to catch the little red light. wouldnt it be great for life to be as simple as it is for a house cat? sleep and eat and play and wait for mommy and daddy to come home so you can get attention. no self consiousness, no work, no bills, no worries.

i should probably be researching for my paper, which is due thursday, but i really dont feel up to it right now, i only get so many days off. I guess even research would be better than the crap that dennis has insisted on watching tonight. who, honestly, wants to waste time watching people run cars and motorcycles into walls...or each other...or whatever. after the first video or so it goes from funny to annoying. but there are some things that just come along with being in a relationship.

i really appreciate the comments. please keep them coming and i promise to comment you back! im back for good this time.

stay strong ladies!
daisy <3>

Saturday, October 6, 2012

Because Today Is A New Day....and Today I Am a New Person

Ive been feeling myself approaching a lot of changes in my life. I got my first tattoo last weekend, two daisies hugged around the words "all you need is love" and a few hearts and stars on my foot. It hurt a lot less than i was expecting, but it still hurt like hell. The same weekend i dyed my hair for the first time in more than six years, bleached the dark brown blonde on the bottom layers, and darkened the top layers to black. I feel myself changing and i feel like i should change my look to match. Every day is a new day, and this morning i woke up at six thirty, after a night of drinking and partying with some of my closest friends, and decided that i will not be the same person i have spent the last two and a half years of my life being. i will be the girl that Dennis deserves. The girl he wants to take out and show off. It is almost noon and i have had nothing but a large cup of coffee and a glass of diet coke. i will probably drink a cappuccino slim fast shake and eat a few baby carrots for lunch just to keep my metabolism up, and then hold out for dinner. a few pieces of baked chicken breast and some steamed veggies. living with a man that inhales half a gallon of ice cream, or two or three double cheeseburgers at a time can be challenging for a my position. not to mention my uncle, who is staying with us for now, keeps bringing home things like hot wings, and candy. the dieting thing was much much easier when it was just me and my blind mother, who couldnt tell if i hadnt eaten in three days. i have to do this for myself though. and when i do, i will get another tattoo. the words quod me nutrit, me destruit accross the bottom of my stomach, to remind me every time i look in the mirrior exactly what i am working so hard for. i will smoke when i am hungry, i will drink water when i feel a binge coming on. i will not let this get in my way of happiness anymore. it stops today ladies. i promise.

water fast tomorrow. to get rid of some of the bloat.
exercise classes next week :)

Friday, October 5, 2012

i just wanted to write a little before i head to bed. i was actually already in bed before i got up and went outside to smoke a cigarette. im a little drunk so forgive any misspellings. it took me about six tries to log in before i realized i was using the wrong password. Dennis and i went out to my friend K's house for her twenty second birthday party, and stopped on the way to pick her up a tequila rose gift set with two shot glasses before we got there, it was delicious. we were also drinking something called pink panties, which is whipped cream flavored vodka and pink lemonade of which i clearly had a couple too many. tis ok though because we got home safe and i dont ever ever drink. i just know that when i have to wake up here in about six hours that im gonna feel like shit and really wish i hadnt done that. i have honestly missed my blog and all of you soooo much. i felt like no one understood what i was going through. D and i had a conversation about my blogging....about how much it has helped me to get through some of the toughest times in my life. from breakups to binges i have pretty much posted it all on here. sometimes its easier to spill your guts to people who you dont have to live with day in and day out. he seemed surprised when i told him that ive had weight and food issues from as far back as i can remember. probably five or six years old honestly. its not something that came along one day and its not something that is going to go away in a day or two. he doesnt understand, hes never sat in a classroom full of people and wondered whether the girls behind him were laughing because he looked fat in his jeans, or spent lunch time in the library just to avoid the crowd of people that might possibly be talking about him. in all of his twenty five years hes never sat in his car and cried about how huge he was. he just doesnt understand the pressure on females to look perfect, and be thin and beautiful. it doesnt matter to guys. not that its his fault. its not. but i wont stop posting just to make him happy. its not gonna happen. i love him but ive been doing this for five years, and its theraputic to post all of your feelings, and hear what girls going through the same sorts of things i am have to say. dont pay me any mind, a few too many drinks. im not even sure that this has made sense. honestly though, thank you to all of you beautiful ladies who have commented on my posts, you'll never know how much it means to me. i think im gonna hit the sack before dennis notices that im not in bed anymore and comes out here lol. please take a look at my last post today and comment me if you have any experience with spinning classes, the green coffee extract pill, or anything else that make me feel amazing in a wedding dress. this is it, im not going to put myself through this bullshit. the time for depression and hating myself has to end, i cant live my life like this, in this body that i feel imprisioned in. i have to let myself breathe. i have to free the person that i know i can be and make myself whole again. it isnt worth it. no food is worth my self respect. and i have to stop bingeing just because im sad or angry or depressed. im counting on this blog to kind of carry me through this. to be able to post daily about how im feeling it all really really helps i think. meh, drunk rambling. im really sorry to whoever has to read this. goodnight world. see you tomorrow.

daisy <3>

Gorgeous Ladies!

hello lovlies!

well guess who finally joined the rest of the world in the 21st century? thats right amybear finally got the internet at her house lol so be expecting a lot more posts from me from now on. now that i can post anytime.

how has everyone been?

so dennis and i decided to start talking through some plans for a wedding!
 not saying engaged because he didnt formally ask or anything, but the planning has begun, and we're thinking around the end of october next year. and i am determined to look stunning in my wedding dress! so here we go again ladies. lets all keep our fingers crossed for each other lol.

been thinking about soul cycle classes, does anyone have an opinion on those?
hcg diet? has anyone had any kind of good experiences with that?
any kind of really really really strong diet pills that could get me started off right?

because it doesnt matter how pretty the tables and the decorations and the wedding party look. or how great the food and the music are if i look like a cow in my dress on my wedding day. and there is no reason why i cant look amazing if i have a year to get there right? please please please ladies comments are extremely appreciated!

i promise i will post as much as humanly possible from here on out now that i finally have the internet at my house and its easier to get on.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012


things have been insane from the time we came back to town.
we went to dallas to visit my dad for christmas, and in the week we were gone my uncle had a stroke and we got the call the same night my dumbass brother tried to start a fight with my boyfriend.
How have you lovely ladies been lately?
things here have been ok i suppose.
it took us forever to get our shit together enough to get a laptop. and we still dont have the internet. as i write this i'm in a coffee shop sipping green tea next to a painting of a girl with rainbow colored  hair.
being 21 has been hard so far.
(i had my 21st march 6th and drank all the Patron at the bar that night lol)
been working as a caregiver for old people, kind of a self contracting thing through a company that is supposed to be finding me clients. but they're not keeping up on their part of the deal. i worked all of 8 hours last week. how am i supposed to pay bills and buy everything a household needs on 8 hours a week?
I'm beginning to wonder if i'm going to stay fat for the rest of my life. Low self esteem is really starting to put a strain on my relationship. I'm definately not the same girl that Dennis fell in love with two and a half years ago. I was thinner, more self confident. Most days lately i dont even feel up to leaving the house, much less getting all dressed up or going out in front of a lot of people. I feel like i have developed I'm happier these days alone in my house where i dont have to worry about how disgustingly fat and disappointing i am. I honestly hate myself.
I just feel....dead inside.
how am i supposed to be expected to love myself when i cant even look at myself in the mirrior? I'm sorry I let you all down. promising i would be back soon and then not coming back for 8 months. Getting huge and disgusting when most of you have probably managed to stay thin and beautiful. I need help but i dont know where to turn. I feel helpless in a fat suit that i cant take off.
I dont know if i can live like this anymore.