i just wanted to write a little before i head to bed. i was actually already in bed before i got up and went outside to smoke a cigarette. im a little drunk so forgive any misspellings. it took me about six tries to log in before i realized i was using the wrong password. Dennis and i went out to my friend K's house for her twenty second birthday party, and stopped on the way to pick her up a tequila rose gift set with two shot glasses before we got there, it was delicious. we were also drinking something called pink panties, which is whipped cream flavored vodka and pink lemonade of which i clearly had a couple too many. tis ok though because we got home safe and i dont ever ever drink. i just know that when i have to wake up here in about six hours that im gonna feel like shit and really wish i hadnt done that. i have honestly missed my blog and all of you soooo much. i felt like no one understood what i was going through. D and i had a conversation about my blogging....about how much it has helped me to get through some of the toughest times in my life. from breakups to binges i have pretty much posted it all on here. sometimes its easier to spill your guts to people who you dont have to live with day in and day out. he seemed surprised when i told him that ive had weight and food issues from as far back as i can remember. probably five or six years old honestly. its not something that came along one day and its not something that is going to go away in a day or two. he doesnt understand, hes never sat in a classroom full of people and wondered whether the girls behind him were laughing because he looked fat in his jeans, or spent lunch time in the library just to avoid the crowd of people that might possibly be talking about him. in all of his twenty five years hes never sat in his car and cried about how huge he was. he just doesnt understand the pressure on females to look perfect, and be thin and beautiful. it doesnt matter to guys. not that its his fault. its not. but i wont stop posting just to make him happy. its not gonna happen. i love him but ive been doing this for five years, and its theraputic to post all of your feelings, and hear what girls going through the same sorts of things i am have to say. dont pay me any mind, a few too many drinks. im not even sure that this has made sense. honestly though, thank you to all of you beautiful ladies who have commented on my posts, you'll never know how much it means to me. i think im gonna hit the sack before dennis notices that im not in bed anymore and comes out here lol. please take a look at my last post today and comment me if you have any experience with spinning classes, the green coffee extract pill, or anything else that make me feel amazing in a wedding dress. this is it, im not going to put myself through this bullshit. the time for depression and hating myself has to end, i cant live my life like this, in this body that i feel imprisioned in. i have to let myself breathe. i have to free the person that i know i can be and make myself whole again. it isnt worth it. no food is worth my self respect. and i have to stop bingeing just because im sad or angry or depressed. im counting on this blog to kind of carry me through this. to be able to post daily about how im feeling it all really really helps i think. meh, drunk rambling. im really sorry to whoever has to read this. goodnight world. see you tomorrow.