Friday, April 24, 2009

paint over me and glue me back together.

okay, im gonna post an update real quick and then im gonna go through as quick as i can and read and comment as many of your blogs as i can get to . im really trying here okay! lol.
havent eaten anything today so far.
had amazing sex yesterday.
my boyfriend stole my amazing fedora (sad face)
it's okay, i'll get it back.
in a fairly good mood.
ive started the short story on the past few months.
im gonna type it up and make another altered book (google it)
im gonna take a library book (hard cover) and paint with acrylic paint over the cover and the pages, paint backgrounds on the pages, and paste the words onto the painted backgrounds. of course some of the pages have to be glued together, because if i were to paint on EVERY PAGE i wouldnt be able to get the book shut!
plus, i dont have enough words to fill up the whole book.
but's gonna be like....a memory book for me and dylon.
im gonna put a picture of me and mathew in the end. and if me and mathew are together for any legnth of time then i'll do the same thing for him. i was thinking i might do one for me and kimmi (my ex girlfriend) but im not sure im gonna have the time with all of the schoolwork im gonna have to get caught up on here soon. i get my car back today!!
so excited!
okay lovlies, if you dont get a comment from me today, im sorry! i do try and read all of your blogs, i swear! but i love you all, thank you all for your amazing comments and words of encouragement. you've all really helped me get through these teribble times.
thanks again.
stay strong, think thin.
amy lee <3
(thats my middle name)

Thursday, April 23, 2009

i hate relationships.

i dont know whether i should be pissed or just get over it.
he wasn't there this morning.
i waited for him in the art room just like i always do.
and he never came.
he didnt walk me to 1st period.
he was too busy smoking weed with some girl.
what am i supposed to think when he comes to school high...
without me?
should i be mad?

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

mathew has this...amazing body. this bulky chest...he's all tan and kind of muscular but still skinny, and most of all, he has this muscular back. i swear, there's not one ounce of fat on him. and all of these rail thin emo girls are always following him around.
so what does he want with me?
is it because he's sixteen and he needs someone who always has cigarettes?
is it because i know a million ways to get completely fucked up legally?
is it because i know everyone on earth who has drugs?
or does he really like spending time with me and being in my company?
i dont know...
i hope so.
havent talked to dylon...havent even sent him a text message. he's ignoring me. i wonder if he's having sex with other girls yet?
probably. he's too adorable to not have girls hit on him and follow him around.
why do these sexy, adorable, amazing looking guys like me?
im just the short, fat girl with the bad attitude and the amazing art ability.
that's all i am.
i wanna try that acai berry stuff.
i think it would help me to lose some of this extra weight.
had i just STUCK TO MY DIET i would be skinny as a rail right now.
instead im still a fat cow.
i cant get back on the wagon!
i love food too much!
i need help!

Monday, April 20, 2009

was this over before it ever began?

okay. so this was my teribble, horibble, no good, very bad weekend.
saturday: got off of an 8 hour shift at whataburger, and fell asleep about 8 am. went home, and fell asleep. woken up at noon by the sounds of my uncle talking.

"the car was a mess, there were cigarette packs and diet coke bottles and cans everywhere"
he told my mom that he was going to have to take the car to the shop so they could fix some part on it so i can go get the damn tags on it. (theyre 2 months out of date...oops)
not too long after that, actually...while my uncle was still talking, my ex boyfriend calls me. (dylon) and we have an hour long's over...forever...he told me that he still cares a lot about me, but that he just doesnt love me anymore. did i cry? well duh. i cried like a baby. so after i got off of the phone i called mathew and told him i was going to pick him up. i did. we sat in my car in the middle of nowhere in the pouring rain (we got like three inches that day) and hot boxed my car.
yes...with smoke.
so after we smoked in my car, and i was feeling better. i took him to whataburger and we went in to eat. and then we went to his house.
yes, ladies and gentlemen, we had sex with his parents downstairs in the living room, and there isn't a door on his bedroom.

sunday: i worked from 10:30 to 7am and came home, slept, watched the miss america pagent, and then argued with my mom. i have no car for the next week, so i have to ride the bus to school. and i can't see mathew after school this week.

today will suck. but i'm taking sophia ruins' idea and im going to turn this whole mess into a story. maybe not a book quite yet, just going to go with a short story, and then keep going with it.
ive always loved to write, so maybe this will be good for me. im going to incorporate the words from "feel good drag" by anberlin into the short story.
i asked my ex girlfriend if she wanted to go with me to prom...just as friends. she said sure.
im going to pimp myself out with my long straight hair and fedora and maybe even a dress!
lol. dark red lipstick, and big sunglasses and maybe even a pimp cane or something. then maybe an afterparty at the beach...or maybe just me, kimmi, and a couple bottles of liquor.
some jager, and some black velvet whiskey.
my favorites.
i think i may be done writing for today.
comment me!
(note:i will no longer be signing my blog entries as "amybear" because it makes me want to cry whenever i do)

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

the saga continues. nothing has really changed.

still depressed, and missing my dylon.
i would give anything to hear him say "i love you amybear" to me again.
i NEVER should have done what i did.
now that im off of my period mathew and i are fucking like rabbits again.
yesterday in the backseat of my car, and again in his bed before i dropped him off at school.
and yes, we will probably do it again today after school.
i love sex.
today i went to mcdonalds and got one of their yummy steak and cheese bagels. total-a million calories. it was a bitch to get back up. but after two glasses of orange juice and some deep breathing i managed.
my throat still hurts.
it seems like lately i cant stop eating. my weight has stayed pretty much the same plus or minus a pound. but it just seems like every time i turn around im hungry again.
i need some fucking willpower.
what will dylon think if he does decide to take me back and i weigh 600 pounds?
im disgusting.
oh, and sophia ruins is right, this would be good material for a book.
new york times bestseller?
i'll write more soon.
love you all.
stay stronger than i am ladies.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

-sigh- drama.

so this really sucks.
i told dylon i needed a break from him...but im changing my mind. yes, i want to date two guys at the same time without them knowing about one another.
one is sweet, and adorable, and nice...and we dont do much but sit around and make out...and he's close enough to touch, but hes also 16, and no, i dont see a future with him. but he's making me happy right now.
and then there's dylon...the one person who has my entire heart. he's smart, and sexy, and open minded, and the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. he's more my age (19) and i know im in love with him. but ever since i told him i wanted a break he hasnt spoken to me. i miss him so much. he's mad at me, i know. i called him last night but he didnt answer. and he doesnt text me anymore like he used to. i miss it. i wish i never would have told him that i wanted a break. what was i thinking? oh, right...i wasnt.
i was under the influence.
something he told me he never wanted me to do again.
i have to stop.
sometimes being with mathew is like babysitting. i mean...he's just 16 after all.
anyway, ive been so caught up with this whole thing that my mom says that she hasnt seen me eat in 3 days.
and she's right, i haven't eaten...i cant think about food right now.
one more thing to make my stomach churn...
and not to mention, on top of all of this drama and mess, i started my period!
mother nature is a bitch.
now, the boyfriend i have purely for physical reasons wont even have sex with me because im on my period.
so what's his purpose?
oh, yeah...he is an amazing kisser...
but he wont kiss me in front of people...
i tried to get him to make out with me this morning in the back room of the art room, but he wouldnt.
dylon and i did everything but have sex in that room.
dylon was so open minded and kinky.
i love him...
and oh my god i miss him so much.
pray that he calls me!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

hey everyone.
so something pretty big happened.
i told dylon i need a break from him for a while.
i met someone else.
his name is mathew
and he's two years younger than me.
he cant even buy rated R movies!
but i like him anyway.
he's so adorable.
he told me yesterday "i feel like im dating this older girl who's way too pretty for me and i keep wondering what you see in me. "
he asked me to be his girlfriend yesterday
and i said yes.
he walks me to all of my classes, and let me wear his jacket.
he's so cute and sweet.
but i wont lie...i miss dylon.

Friday, April 3, 2009

sorry all of these are so spread out...<3

Okay, so where do I start? First of all I’m really sorry to all of my readers that I haven’t been blogging lately. My mom went into the hospital a couple of weeks ago and just came out about 3 days ago. She went in at 228lbs and came out at 166lbs. the weight was from the fluid that her body kept producing and it got so bad that it was to the point to where it was leaking out of her body. She came home looking a lot better and feeling pretty good. I’ve been at home taking care of her. The day after she came home I came down with something dreadful. I had a fever and a sore throat, I was sick for two days, and last night I could feel the drainage in my ear. I took three ibuprofen and some Nyquil and called it a night. Dylon really has been amazing these past few weeks, he’s really been there for me. If I don’t want him to get off of the phone while I fall asleep, he doesn’t, and he knows that I haven’t been feeling well. He’s really been there for me. I start back to work tomorrow night at Whataburger! Whether im sick or not im going to get what I need to get done accomplished. My throat was so sore the other day that I couldn’t even eat, not that it wasn’t a blessing, lmao. Anyway, wish me luck!
I was so stressed out last night trying to catch up on my English work that I started to cry. All of this would be so much easier if I wasn’t sick! I love you all, thank you for reading! Stay strong and think thin ladies!
Amybear <3