Friday, May 29, 2009

hey ladies i just started a new blog.
it's an online book im going to be writing on and adding to for a while.
i would love it if you all would read it and tell me what you think.
thank you ladies!

waiting for the results...why the hell is she smiling?!?!?!?

and the cycle continues.

when the girl gets bored.

this is what happens after the binge i right?

fat ass.

the binge eater.

my thinsporation...emily browning...please remember to read my last post.

i hate myself for having no self control.

what i want more than anything is someone who can relate with me.
someone to call if i get hungry...
someone to go on fasts with and sit around and chug water with.
someone to exercise with.
someone to help me get back on my wagon.
i want someone who is just as screwed up as i am inside.
i want someone to share my dirty little secrets with.
i want someone to help me through these little voices in my head that keep telling me
"you can eat that, it's okay. mathew will love you even if you do get fat again. go ahead and order that, it's not a big deal."
i want an ana buddy.
i want someone to talk with about the lightheadedness and the hunger pangs and the fear of the scale.
i want someone with as much willpower and control as i used to have...
someone to lift me up.
someone to help me from falling.
i want a real friend.
i feel so lonely today
but then is just like every other day.
i see all of these perfect little girls with their hipbones sticking out, and their rib cages poking through their extra small tshirts, and i cant help but think that i want to be like them.
i want to be thin and beautiful just like the girls that seem to swarm around me every day.
making me feel huge and bloated compared to their perfect little bodies.
i want someone to share that with.
i hate myself for having no self control.
im disgusting.
i want ana to wrap her arms around me again and cradle me gently until she has squeezed all of the will to eat from me.
i want to lay in bed and listen to the sounds of my stomach growling.
that sound means im doing wonderfully.
i deserve every pound ive gained.
i deserve every night i spend sitting alone in my bed crying because i just finished eating and i feel so disgusting.
i deserve every notch in the belt that ive had to losen up.
some people are born perfect.
and others have to die to make themselves that way.
i am not perfect.
i am the opposite of perfect.
i am the fat girl with no self control who fell off the wagon so long ago that i would break it if i decided to jump back on.
so maybe i should step lightly
ease myself back into it.
i dont want to do this alone.
i need the support of a girl who is just as fucked up as i am.
i want to be perfect.
i need help.
anyone know the names of any good thinspo books?
or amazing books about ana?
im looking for some good reading material.
please help!

dear mom,

dear mom-

you make me want to tear my hair out.
no, this isnt a teenage phase
this is me being truthful.
when we argue, you automatically turn to your brother to help you out because you cant take me on yourself.
you are weak and helpless.
i am done trying to make you happy.
i am finished trying to make your life easier.
you are selfish.
you dont want anything to do with anyone who cant help you in some way or another.
i hope the infection you have is deadly.
i dont want to talk about my eating habits with you,
or the drugs i may or may not be on.
i dont want to hug you, or drive your crappy car.
i dont even like sitting next to you.
i cant wait until you die.
you talk too much.

dear mathew-

dear mathew

you have no idea how special you are to me.
i love you so much.
you are the only person who can make me smile when my mother makes me want to kill myself.
when i am with you i feel complete...
when i am laying in your arms everything is completely amazing and there is nothing to worry about.
last night, when my mom and i got into that fight, i really appreciate you holding me without me having to ask you.
thank you for picking me up for school after she took my car away.
thank you for making me so happy.
i feel so lucky to have you in my life.
you can make me smile when all i want to do is cry.
you can make me laugh harder than anyone else.
you can make me feel warm when i have goosebumps all over my arms.
you know just how to snuggle me so that both of us are comfortable and i'm not being suffocated by a blanket, or a part of your body.
you dont look at me funny if i accidently drool on you while were sleeping.
you give me a reason to want to wake up in the mornings.
i know you would do anything for me.
and you have no idea how much i appreciate you.
i love you so much.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

trying hard as hell to do better than my family thought i would.

hey everyone.
im working hard to graduate next week.
trying hard as hell to do better than my family thought i would.
im working my ass off on algebra.
mathew has been really supportive and sweet about everything.
instead of seeing me right after school, he kisses me goodbye at the end of the day, and goes off to do his own thing for a while.
then we hang out during the evening, i drop him off at home. and he comes to see me at night around 9 or so.
i love it when he comes to see me.
we went to walmart together last night and had a blast. he's so goofy.
i think i might force him to go to subway with me today, because im starving.
i can get a 6 inch veggie delight.
and he can eat more than half of it! lol.
i eat a lot less now because he eats more than his share of every meal. lol.
i dont have just a whole lot to talk about today, but im still looking forward to reading everyone's comments!
oh. my intake today has consisted of orange juice and an m&m that mathew forced down my throat.
me and my friend laura are going to do this whole weight loss chalenge together this summer.
see who can lose more faster.
it'll be exciting.
love you all dearly
stay strong.
think thin.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

but will someday come too soon?

it's getting to the point where i dont even want to be away from him.
when im with him i dont worry about anything or anyone.
when im with him im smiling and happy.
when im with him the world is okay again.
when he is away from him i miss him.
i love spending every second of every day with him.
i love him more than i was supposed to.
it started out as just being sex.
i was just supposed to use him.
but now my heart belongs to him.
my heart is sad when he is away.
who needs food when i have a love like this?
who needs nourishment from eating when all i need is to lay in his arms to feel whole again?
i need him more than i should.
i love him so much.
i dont even know if he understands how much i think about him.
how sad i am when he isnt right next to me.
how much i hope he feels the same way.
i remember talking about mark, and justin, and dylon.
but this is different.
this is real.
this is everything ive ever needed and more...
much more.
not a whole lot has changed between us since yesterday.
we went to senior awards night together last night, and he watched me accecpt my scholarship for art.
then we went to walmart and played around.
we went and parked at the park in his neighborhood and he let me draw a walrus on his penis.
it was cute, it had big confused eyes, and long tusks, and a bowtie.
i leaned over him and began to kiss him.
and he started tugging at the waistband of my pants.
we had sex in the back of his car in a public park.
and i let him come inside of me...again.
we have talked about what we would do if i was pregnant.
he says he isnt ready to have a kid.
and neither am i.
so i think what i would do is just give the kid up for adoption.
maybe we could have a baby together,
maybe we could make a life with one another.
maybe im just being naive.
i dont really know.
he says he's pro-choice.
but im not sure i am.
if i were to get an abortion, i would have to kill myself afterwards, and i really dont want to die.
mathew said that if i killed myself, he would kill himself.
but what good would that do?
i dont want to kill a person.
and that is exactly what getting an abortion is.
i will just keep my fingers crossed and hope that im not pregnant.
part of me doesnt want to be...
but part of me is excited to be a mommy.
it's what ive wanted since i was a little girl, pushing my dolly around in a stroller and dressing her up in little outfits and pretending she was crying and feeding her and putting her in the sink for a "bath".
i love kids.
and i want them someday.
but will someday come too soon?
keep your fingers crossed for me ladies.
i love you all.
cant wait to read your comments.
think thin, stay strong.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

oh...and we had sex.

i just wanna thank everyone for your comments.
i really appreciate all of you following me.
okay then,
so this weekend i worked extra hours to make money for all of my fines and bonds and stuff.
it really sucked.
the good news is my mom let me spend some extra time with mathew.
i ate dinner at his house on saturday night, and he came and picked me up after work yesterday morning and snuggled in my bed with me. (memorial day weekend. hope everyone had a great holiday!)
oh...and we had sex.
i went over to his house saturday morning and we layed together in his bed, kissing...and touching...and then we had this amazing, mind blowing sex that left me breathless.
then we took a walk to the park. and he pushed me against the railing of the playground and pulled up my sundress...
then we had sex again.
we went back to his house and layed together in his bed, he snuggled me until i fell asleep, then came and woke me up when his family was sitting down to dinner.
then i ate dinner with his family.
when you eat dinner with your boyfriends family, you cant be stupid and pile your plate full of food, but you dont want to insult his family either.
so i ate a slice of briskit (or however you spell it)
and a spoonfull of potato salad
a spoonfull of brocolli rice and cheese casarole (cant spell that word either)
and a piece of garlic bread
i skipped the barbequed sausage and the corn on the cob (didnt want to be picking corn out of my teeth, or drip or spill anything on myself)
then after dinner, mathew and i went on a short drive to a bookstore and just hung out until he drove me to work.
we spent sunday driving around and spending time together.
and then yesterday he came to see me at work right before i got off at 7 in the morning. he stayed and ate breakfast with me, and then we went back to my house and snuggled in my bed after we took a shower together. he couldnt keep his hands off of me.
he kept waking me up to have sex lol.
i love falling asleep with him next to me. he is so unbelievably warm! there is almost no need for a blanket when i snuggle with him.
he is an amazing snuggler.
i fall asleep so much easier when i have him there with me.
and when we dont fall asleep together in person, he will call me at night and talk to me until we both fall asleep on the phone.
he says he thinks im definately losing weight, and that it looks good on me.
he says he thinks its all the sex we're having, lol.
i feel amazing when im with him.
and that's all that counts.
well, i hope you all have enjoyed this post, comment me if you want.
i love you all.
think thin, stay strong.
amybear <3

Friday, May 22, 2009

we are so happy for now.

so now that im back at school and everything is pretty much back to normal im pretty and mathew are doing pretty amazing. he even told me he loves me when i got out on monday and we were standing out at the back of the school, witing for my bus (my mom said i couldnt take the car to school because i was in trouble, that lasted all of about one day) and he was waiting with me, he was holding me really close, leaning against the wall, and he said
"there was something i was going to say to you when i saw you being taken away in handcuffs that day...i love you amy"
then he kissed me and held me even tighter.
we are so happy for now.
he keeps telling me that he wants to be with me forever and he will always love me...
it's only been 2 months...but im hoping he doesnt change his mind.
i really like this one.
as for eating?
i havent had anything but this piece of gum in my mouth right now.
yesterday i had a grilled chicken sandwich on a wheat bun with no mayonaise and extra pickles and then the day before that my mom made me eat chicken alfredo with brocolli with her.
ate about 3 bites before i stood up and told her i was sleepy.
gonna go get something small here in a little bit.
and maybe drink some water
trying to keep my intake to a bare minimum so i can stay cute for my extremely amazing, muscular boyfriend.
my period is almost over so you can bet that were going to be having amazing, crazy sex here in a day or so.
think thin ladies.
love you all
amybear <3

Monday, May 18, 2009

k9 unit.

so you're never going to guess what happened to me this weekend.
it was me, mathew, our friend tray, and our friend laura in the car, tray was driving, mathew was sitting passenger and laura and i were in the back seat.
we went to some place called colombus Texas, stayed the night, and tripped our asses off on all kinds of drugs.
we were on the drive back, it had been raining all day, and we were tired and had been driving for what seemed like forever.
we were about 40 miles away from home, no longer than about 20 minutes or so, when we got pulled over by a k9 unit.
yup. the drug dog and his owner.
we had a black guy in the car in the middle of a super-racist town.
they checked the car and the black guy and i were both arrested and put in jail.
i just got out.
mommy dearest came and bailed me out.
my uncle tried to choke me.
i used to consider him like my father figure.
until he tried to rip my hair out, and grabbed my arm, and put his knee in my back.
this man is not a small man.
and i no longer consider him my family.
he is no longer invited to my graduation, no longer my uncle.
he is getting too far into business that doesnt have anything to do with him.
im 18 years old and he's trying to pry into business that isnt his.
im not going to invite my aunt either, considering the fact that she is a narc and a dumb bitch.
the only people invited to my graduation are my aunt di, my aunt urs, my mom, my dad, and my gramma. anyone on my dad's side of the family is invited...but my mom's side of the family isn't.
shit...i may not even walk accross the stage...i might just have a big dinner with my dad's side of the family.
jail was disgusting...and freezing. they gave us one blanket and no shoes.
i didnt eat for 2 days.
i lost 10 pounds.
im tired.
later everyone.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

a little bit of thinspiration.

shirley manson.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

maybe im just paranoid??

so theres this girl...
her name is kelsey but everyone calls her Red.
she was at the beach the night we rolled on x.
and her and my boyfriend tried to take a walk on the beach together.
i said no.
i think theyre just friends but im not sure.
she's always there.
this morning when i went to pick him up she walked out of his house, too.
and automatically i was in a bad mood.
but...he promised me he's been faithful.
maybe theyre just friends...
maybe i'm just paranoid??
i dont even know.
i really like Red...
she's a cool person...but she really should understand that there's a line.
she cant just hang out with my boyfriend all the time.
but also...i dont want to seem too overbearing.
i dont want her to come between me and mathew.
i dont know...
anyway, i havent eaten anything today.
not yet, anyway.
im thinking i might actually go to taco bell and get a taco salad...maybe.
i reeeeeally wanted subway last night.
maybe i'll go to subway.
im so confused!
think thin ladies.
peace out.

Monday, May 11, 2009

hilary duff got all bony and shit. look!!

i love being under the influence.

so this weekend was amazing, despite me coming out of it COMPLETELY COVERED in mosquito bites.
we rolled at the beach.
if you do x and you havent ever done it at the beach, i highly recommend it. the water was rippling to the bass of the music, there were clouds everywhere, and everything was spinning. i walked in the water, and sat in the sand, i spun in circles and laughed.
it was amazing.
but even more than that, i really enjoyed spending time with mathew. apparently we are back together. he kisses me, and holds my hand now.
we sat in my car on saturday night, at the beach, in the heat, away from the swarms of mosquitos, and just held each other and listened to eachother breathe.
it was...the way ive always wanted to feel with another person.
and then there was yesterday,
i decided since we had 7 x pills left that i wanted to do more right before i went to work.
so i popped one.
and rolled my ass off my whole shift.
i cleaned and stocked absoloutely everything.
and i was feeling so good by the time got home that i just layed in my bed with my blacklight and listened to old rock music and rolled my eyes back into my head.
because im a complete hippie like that.
i love being under the influence.
okay, and the entire weekend all i consumed was 4 chicken burritos, and half a can of soup.
in 3 days.
and i didnt even finish my chicken burritos, i ended up giving mathew most of them.
didnt even think about food for most of the weekend.
when you're rollin that's the last thing you're thinking about.

Friday, May 8, 2009

he broke up with me but im still his girlfriend?

good morning ladies.
thought i would start off with my intake for the rest of yesterday
i ate:
8 oz orange juice- 50 cals
4 oz slim fast- 80 cals
1/2 taco salad (no shell)- 100 cals
today, so far, ive had 2 bites of a koloche and 1/2 bottle of orange juice (mathew finished off what i didnt eat, boys are like garbage disposals)
so...were "broken up" but he still hangs out with me after school, and hugs and kisses me, he went to my house to see me last night, we went to the store for a diet coke and sat in my car and shared a wine flavored black and mild and just talked for a while.
he called me last night,
"i want you to touch yourself for me."
i thought he was joking with me for a while.
then he started to breathe all hard and heavy, and we had phone sex.
and this morning?
i picked him up, he's walked me to all of my classes, and hugs me tight right before he lets me go.
he doesnt kiss me at school anymore, or hold my hand, but he nudges my arm with his elbow until i get the hint to loop my arm through his.
i really like him.
anyway, i looked in the mirrior this morning. and already i feel sooooooo much better about myself.
everyone be proud of me! lol.
so i talked to dylon last night.
he's talking about how one day, he thinks there might be a chance that we can get back together.
my thoughts?
if i had a choice between him and mathew, i would pick mathew.
i think i like where we are right now.
just...hanging out.
okay everyone, big party at the beach tomorrow!
theres gonna be a lot of drinking.
i cant wait.
cant wait to be numb for a little while.
i asked mathew last night
"is it like you said? is it just another relationship?"
he replied "not really...and by not really i mean not at all."
okay, now to answer that comment.
i think it was...lina?
a koloche is a lot like a pig in a blanket, a piece of sausage wrapped in a roll and filled with cheese.
they taste amazing, but there insanely bad for you.
thats why i gave it all to mathew =)
yesterday, when we were cleaning out my car at a convenience store, he saw one of his teachers, and she said "mathew, what are you doing?"
he replied with "cleaning out my girlfriends car"
he broke up with me but im still his girlfriend?
im confused...if he wasnt so adorable then i would be mad...
but i cant resist his eyes!
i wanna post a picture of him soooo bad.
ill try to take a good one of him this weekend and see if i can get it up. mkay?
i think im gonna go read and comment all the blogs i can get to.
im done writing.
love everyone!
think thin ladies!!!
amybear <3 (im using amybear again because dylon and i are no longer angry at eachother)

Thursday, May 7, 2009

thinking i might start posting my daily food intake again.

i woke up at 7
and it is now 11
and all ive had is about 4 oz of orange juice- about 45 calories.
said no to the koloche my art teacher offered! or however you spell it koloche.
i want to gain my self control back sooooooooo bad.
wish me luck?

my broken little heart jumped for joy.

so im a dumbass...
i broke up with dylon for the possibility of finding love a little closer to home.
i cheated on him with with mathew.
i gave up a lot for mathew.
and then....last night...
he broke up with me.
"did you honestly think it was gonna last forever? it's just another relationship"
he said that to me...
it wasnt the fact that he broke up with me...
it was the way he acted like he didnt care hat i had given up so much for him.
the love of my life.
i wasted gas money and time on him.
and he doesnt even seem to give a shit.
"i want to be friends" he said to me.
so guess what my dumbass did?
went to pick him up for school this morning.
he walked up to me, and rubbed my back. and he's been giving me these really tight hugs all day.
do you do that to a friend?
im so confused.
maybe i just miss the sex...
i dont know.
i wish i wasnt so stupid... that i didnt get all caught up so fast. i wish i didnt tend to fall so hard.
i called dylon last night after mathew broke up with me...and he talked to me.
and he told me that i was too good for that guy anyway.
and we talked for a while.
it was...amazing.
and then...right before i went to sleep...
i got a text message
from dylon.
my little broken heart jumped for joy.
i dont have anything left in me.
im just...tired.
suicide seems like such an easy way out when you cant seem to handle everything else.
anyone got any tips on how to kill myself the right way?
better get going.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

still feel disgusting...

okay, so today is wednsday.
been eating like a cow all week.
still fat.
still feel disgusting.
i was under the impression that mathew and i were going to spend the evening together, alone yesterday.
but...that's not what happened.
we ended up doing the same thing that we have been doing for a month now.
picking people up, smoking weed, and dropping people off.
only this time it was many many people.
im starting to think that maybe i should take a picture of everyone who gets into the car, and turn them into a collage.
think thin ladies!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

no condom.

been eating like a complete pig lately. ive gained 4 pounds.
this week hasnt gone very well so far.
im failing algebra, so im not sure if im going to be able to graduate on time.
i have no money for prom night.
and im going crazy.
i showed up at mathew's house today all ready to be ravaged.
we start going.
he took off his pants...
and looked on his shelf...
no condom.
i was disappointed to say the very least.
This school is so fucking retarted.
it's one credit.
and theyre gonna let it keep me from graduating?
ive tried really hard in that damn class.
i hate school.
cant wait to graduate.
gonna stop babbling now.
got my nails done yesterday...
probably wont do it again.
i dont like it very much.
waisted money.

Friday, May 1, 2009

"hola, this is amy, leave me a message"

hey everyone.
so it's been a crazy week.
underclassmen had these state issued tests all week so the seniors only have to attend today for attendance reasons. we've basically just been watching movies.
dating a 16 year old is harder than i could have imagined, we got into our first big fight on sunday:
i got off of work at about 7 sunday morning, and i decided i would give him a call, i wake him up, and we call a couple of more people, his brother, a friend of ours, and kristen, a friend of mine. we head out to the beach, we drive around, and were having a good time, we go back to kristen's house and hang out there.
i spent the whole day with him,
and then the unthinkable happens...
dylon calls.
and what do i do?
my dumb fat ass answers. and talks to dylon for 10 minutes.
he misses me, and his sister is in the hospital with cancer in her leg...they may have to amputate.
so for the whole drive home, mathew and i have a huge screaming fight in the front seat of the car, right in front of his little brother, and another person.
and just hasnt been the same.
we dont spend any time alone... just me and him.
we dont ever have time to talk.
we dont go on real dates.
its just me...and mathew...and at least one other person hanging out all the time.
the only time were alone is when were having sex, which is way less often here lately. and right after that it's right back to hanging out with other people.
he's never taken me anywhere nice
and i pay for EVERYTHING.
oh, and this morning, when i went to pick him up for school. another girl, a girl who just broke up with her boyfriend, a girl he used to date, walked out of his front door right after him.
"hey baby, can you give her a ride too"
what the hell?!?!?!
then there's natalie...a girl mathew has known for 8 years, a girl he's driving 30 miles away to see by himself on monday...without me.
how the hell would he feel if i decided i was gonna hang out with some guy he didnt know?
i miss dylon so much.
he called me last night and left me a voicemail. "im sorry you had to deal with me while i wasnt really sure who i was. im sorry."
i want to talk to him so badly.
he kind of laughed at my voicemail "hola, this is amy, leave me a message"
he said "haha hola amybear"
i wish i could upload it onto the computer from my ghetto ass little phone.
havent eaten anything so far.
more later.
love you all!!
think thin ladies.