Friday, January 30, 2009

my rant.

just have to keep trying. i cant focus on the things that matter to me anymore. all i keep thinking about is how good the food in front of me looks. since ive already screwed up for the week, i figured i would get a steak finger basket for dinner, and feel like complete shit for the rest of the day. since my boyfriend is leaving me in 3 days, i figure i dont have to impress anyone anymore. i want to eat. i wish that this shit had never come into my life. i wish that i could sit down to a meal and actually ENJOY it. not think about how many cals are in everything im eating. i took 8 relacores yesterday, and im going to go half and half on a bottle of expensive diet pills with Jessica the label says "intented for the severly overweight, not the casual dieter"
i guess you could call me severly overweight.
im so depressed.
im fucking my boyfriend like crazy because i dont know when im going to be able to do it again is.
its phone sex from here on out buddy!
i hate my life.

Dita Von Teese Thinspo


Havent eaten yet today. Just been chewing big red gum and trying to pretend im not hungry.
But oh my god im hungry.
Ok, yesterday I had…
Sausage biscuit for breakfast,
And a healthy choice for lunch
And a santa fe grilled chicken salad for lunch.
Im thinking I might just wait until lunch time to eat today.
Because I know that if I skip lunch too, then I know I will just binge at work and screw everything up.
Something light and healthy…
Maybe ill eat a grilled chicken sandwich dry with extra pickles before I clock in, and wait for a salad after I get off of work.
So today’s possible total: about 600
Not bad.
Just have to be careful.
Me and dylon are really doing good now. Since we made up we’re so much happier, it’s almost like we just got together, he makes me so happy! I dont really know what to do though...
I mean.
One second he’s the sweetest guy on the planet, and the next, we’re arguing over pretty much nothing.
I love him so much though.
My heart breaks at the thought of him giving his heart to another girl, i dont want him to be with anyone else, he belongs to me and just me.
He’s all mine.
And i dont want to share.
Im having what i like to call a “sexy crackhead” day.
My hair hasnt been washed in two days, and ive got it all scrunched up and curly looking in the back, it looks like a mess, and then i have the front straightened, the bangs part.
I have on way too much eyeliner, a pair of ripped jeans, and a band tshirt with some old converse shoes.
Very trashy chic.
Anyone can pull off the “sexy crackhead” look.
Except for really fat people.
Crackheads are meant to be kind of hungry looking.
Not to mention the fact that my lips are seriously chapped because of the cold weather we’ve been having lately. I almost froze on the drive to school today, i walked in to the school, and put my hand on crystal and she jumped.
It’s been impossible for me to be warm all day, despite the fact that im wearing two shirts, two pairs of pants and thick socks, it seems like the cold air just goes right through me.
And im exhausted, did i mention that?
Fell asleep about 10 last night, woke up at 10:56 to talk to dylon for a few minutes, we hung up a little after 11, and i went back to sleep, i woke up about 7:25
And im still tired!
Despite getting my eight hours, im still exhausted, but i guess i’ll be tired tonight when i get off of work.
Been freaking out about money lately.
I only have 189 in my account. And i still have to pay my cell phone bill, put gas in the car, and pay my mom the 20 dollars i owe her.
I get another paycheck on the 5th of February though...
I guess it’ll be ok.
I dunno. I wish i could stop worrying.
I wish my mom’s nose wasnt in my finances all of the time
Like it’s really any of her business anyway.
I really dont like her.
I wish she would go away for a few weeks.
She’s driving me insane.
Im getting hungry!
Wait a minute
No im not
Changed my mind.
Im working on a project playlist of pro ana songs, im going to copy and paste it up here very soon.
I really need to put up those tips for you all.
Been really busy lately.
Bye lovlies!


So this website has been blocked from the school. So I have to write all of my journal entries on word documents, and add them on all at the same time. So my journal entries now will come in large masses. And I definitely wont be on as often. God I hate this school. I cant wait to graduate. I don’t want to talk about food. I talked to Mark last night.
If you’ll look toward the beginning of my blog, all of my first blog entries have a lot to do with him. I was completely in love with him. He completely stole my heart.
He’s in Paris now. He has adopted two little girls, so now he has three daughters to take care of. I don’t know if I told you about Ashley, the nanny that he hired after he tool over his role of godfather to Dakota, his best friends daughter, after his best friend killed himself. Anywho, there was Ashley, who was about 20, and completely beautiful and perfect, and in love with Mark. He hired her on as Dakota’s Nanny, and it only lasted a few weeks. Mark took Dakota to Paris to be with his great aunt Clara and to run away from Ashley. After he’d been in Paris for a few weeks, living with Clara and had already adopted Antoinette and Christine, the girls from a French orphanage, Ashley went to Paris looking for him. Mark told her that he didn’t love her, and that he didn’t want to have anything to do with her. And Ashley hanged herself in her hotel room. That was about three days ago. I talked to Mark last night, I had just gotten off of work, and we had been texting for a few hours, and I told him everything. About how I did, do and always will love him, about how I think about him every day. And I told him that I didn’t think I really had anything left to live for. There was a night about 4 months ago when I called him and he told me that he had overdosed himself on heroin. I stopped him from killing himself. I told him that at least someone loved him enough to stop him. He replied to my text with a text message that said “I want to die”. I asked him why and he said “I love her, im in love with her and she is dead because of me”. I remember being so jealous of Ashley that I threw a fit when Mark had mentioned being with her. Even though I was with Dylon at the time, and we were happy, I still didn’t want Mark to be with anyone else. I wanted him to be mine. I wanted his heart, I wanted his soul, I wanted him to belong to me as I had belonged to him. But Mark fired Ashley because he didn’t want me to hurt, he wanted me to be happy. He told Ashley to leave. And she spent the rest of her life trying to convince him to be with her. And it isn’t Mark’s fault she’s dead, it’s mine, me and my fucking selfishness. I hate myself for what I did. My heart screamed out for him, still does and always will. If Mark had not pushed me away, told me that he was too old for me, told me that it would not have worked out between us, then I never would have even thought about Dylon. If Mark had chosen me to be the one he wanted to be with, I could have been so happy. And I know that I would have been able to make him happy too. I wanted his heart more than I wanted to breathe. I still do…I think anyway. So there I was, sitting on my bed with a full bottle of sleeping pills on my lap, texting Mark, and saying goodbye when I got the text that ended it all. “do it and I’ll pull the trigger.” Mark had just told me that if I killed myself, three little girls would go without a father. What the hell was I supposed to do?
I want to die.
“I stopped you because your my best friend” he told me
He always used the word “your” in the wrong context.
But that’s ok.

Im really depressed, and fucking pissed.
We went to the park at lunch, me and Jessica. And I took 8 of those relacore pills. The bottle said not to exceed 6 a day, and im starting to feel sick. Everyone in the art room at the school is so retarded and stupid and im so fucking sick of hearing about this stupid Mexicans fake experience at some asian school, I wish she would stop lying. When did this school get so gay? All of my favorite websites are blocked. My playlist, and my fucking blog, and here I am writing this fucking blog entry on a stupid fucking word document. On the bright side, me and Jessica are seeing who can eat the fewest amount of calories a day. im so fucking sick of this place. Shit would be so much easier if I was skinny and maybe even dead. The computer is pointless.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009


dude anna i missed you!!!!!!!!
ana phylactic is amazing!!!
dude, where'd ya go?
my computer is being gay so it isnt loading anything
so i cant read your blog, but you should totally send me an email
because you've been gone for forever and i saw your post on my followed blogs
and i got all excited.
see ya!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


so i decided that since i ate breakfast, i cant have anything for lunch. i think im going to lunch with Jessica anyway.
which means diet coke and relacore.
not a bad combination
i took 7 yesterday. probably just take 4 or 5 today.
stay under the "limit"
it kept me up pretty late last night.
although i wasnt hungry. lol.
i ate a grilled chicken caesar salad (no dressing) for dinner, just like i had a grilled chicken salad at lunch.
so the total intake for yesterday

there was the yogurt
only ended up eating half the cup-55 cals
then there was the salad i ate-about...we'll say...200 cals (including the chicken)
and then the salad i had at dinner, well make that about 250 (it had chicken and some kind of cheese)
my total daily intake-too much.
about 505
today ive already eaten a biscuit with turkey sausage and a little bit of grape jelly.
so i think that should be able to tide me over until dinner.
thinking about a salad from arbys.
and maybe pouring some salsa on it.
or maybe i'll just chill at home, and eat half a can of soup, and cook a cup of brocolli.
we'll see.
godda go pay my cell phone today.
omg. so Dylon and i made up last night.
yes, thats right ladies, we made up.
and oh my gawd was it amazing.
i think the fact that im still on my you-know-what only made it better
he said he'd never do that.
but he confessed afterwards that it does feel pretty great.
he was doing things that he's never done before, and kissing all of the places that he knows make me go insane.
i had no idea that my pg13 boyfriend could be so rated R.
i have to say, this is a side of him that i definately dont hate.
he called me "baby" for the first time last night.
usually its either "amy" or "amybear"
which im fine with, but hearing him call me baby was totally hot.
lets keep this PG
so i'll be moving on from the subject of the amazing sex that i had last night...
the amazing sex that i cant stop thinking about...ok
ive decided that when he leaves here in a few days, i want to continue on with a long distance relationship.
i hope were strong enough to last through it.
he'll be gone for about 8 weeks at a time.
and ill be able to see him for long weekends, holidays, and breaks.
maybe it'll be ok...
keep your skinny little fingers crossed for us ok?
alright ladies, i godda scadaddle
thats right...scadaddle.
i'll try to post more here soon.
as always, think thin, and i love hearing from all of you. so dont be shy to comment.
love you all
amybear <3

Monday, January 26, 2009

eat me, drink me.

mY fElLoW cOmRaDeS:
Ok. So I hope that everyone’s weekend went well.
Mine went alright despite the fact that because I was bleeding from my crotch the entire weekend, I ate like a cow.
And I lost my cell phone on Friday in the bathroom of the school, and didn’t have it all weekend. It really sucked, like…whoa.
But they found it and someone turned it in and I have it now,
It’s close to dying, but whatev.
Had like a million text messages, and some missed calls from my friend Jesse.
Been working everyday, it’s a pretty good deal, I’m always busy lately, and I really like that, I like staying busy.
Going over to crystal’s house this weekend, I think.
I think she wants me to bring a pizza with me.
Might pick up some popcorn or something.
Going insane.
Couldn’t stop eating all weekend. Finally managed to pull it together yesterday.
Gonna try to keep my caloric intake pretty low today.
Under 500 or so.
Ate a graham cracker for breakfast, and a few sips of milk, total-55 calories
Gonna eat some yogurt here in about an hour-total 110 calories
Maybe a cup of peaches-45 calories
Because id like to eat a grilled chicken salad for lunch, total-200 calories
Have baby carrots and half of a pickle in my bag, so I might stop at either Red Top or Whataburger and grab a salad.
Red Tops Chicken is less greasy,
So I might just do that.
My plan for today:
7:00: graham cracker-55
11:15 am: yogurt, diet coke-110
1:30 pm: grilled chicken salad? Half a pickle, serving of baby carrots, diet coke- 280
5:00 pm: half can of soup, diet coke- 60
Daily total- 505
From 6 pm to 10 pm : work
Walk to and from work
Walk to the store after work
1000 jumping jacks (to get my heart rate up)
Maybe jog a few laps around the courtyard outside
Clean out car
If I get hungry after work, I’ll eat that cup of peaches and chew on some cinnamon gum.
Learned that it really helps the cravings, and makes it a hell of a lot easier to go without food.
My cinnamon gum, water, diet coke, and cigarettes are now my best friends.
That reminds me, I do need some more gum for tomorrow.
And I need to go and pay my cell phone bill.
Last night, after I got off of work (yesterdays food intake, a grilled chicken sandwich, extra pickles, easy mayo, and a taco) I had so much energy! I walked to the store, took trash back and forth to the dumpster about 3 times, swept and mopped the kitchen, danced a little, washed some clothes, and moved around a lot.
Felt really good about it.
Today will be even better
I know it will because I believe in myself.
I just have to retrain myself to go without so much food.
I’ll just have to restrict so much that my stomach cant take much more.
And if im really good this week, keep my caloric intake low.
And don’t eat anything all day before I go to crystal’s house.
I’ll allow myself some pizza and popcorn.
So then I have something to look forward to.
Think im gonna rent saw 5 and take it over there.
Cant wait to get another paycheck!!
This one should be pretty big.
Like…close to 400
But I have to wait until the fifth!
My eye really itches, but I don’t want to scratch because I look cute today and I don’t want to ruin it.
Spent a while putting on my eyeliner, and straightening my bangs and curling the rest of my hair, teasing it to curliness, and picking out a cute outfit
Black long-sleeved t-shirt
Kind of boot-cut, skinny jean type things with double cuffs and black converse.
Was driving this morning, and I was in the left hand turn lane, and the guy driving past me was so busy checking me out that he was hardly driving!!
Boosted my ego a little. Haha.
So I have 192 dollars, and 60 of it has to go to my cell phone bill
10 in gas
And I still owe my mom dinner
But I think I’ll be giving her a rain check on that
Im going to make her wait until I have some money saved up to start paying her back.
Id like to have something to fall back on just in case this job doesn’t work out in the long run.
Figured I’d put the entirety of my paychecks into my savings account.
Transfer 10 or 20 into my checking,
And use that for my spending money to buy stuff at work and what have you .
Of course, I’ll still be draining my savings to buy things like food and cigarettes during school hours, like I always have.
But still…
Gonna try to build my savings back up.
And then start paying my mom. I get a paycheck on the 5th and 20th of each month.
Im working 6 days a week, and so…
We’ll say….what like….12 out of 15, say an average of 5 hours a day, minus one or two days….
Should have enough to pay back my mom in a few months.
Lots of math going on here today…
Have a wonderful day everyone!

update- took 7 relacores today and 2 ibprofen
downed with diet coke.
think it'll help me any?
me and my friend jessica are going on a diet together!

Friday, January 23, 2009

im a fat cow.

so i got hungry last night.
oh god did i get hungry.
double bacon cheeseburger on texas toast, grilled onions, a large french fry with ketchup, and a 44 oz diet coke.
i ate it all, even though i wasnt really hungry after about the first 4 bites.
i ate and ate and ate and ate and kept eating.
and there was absoloutely no purge afterwards.
my stomach is bloated and uncomfortable even the next day.
but the good news is i probably wont be hungry for anything all day today.
still havent gotten a chance to talk to dylon. dont know what im going to do.
to answer Jenna's question, not me anymore, but it used to be.
and what i will be again.
right now im a fat disgusting cow.
will update later.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

thinspiration for you all.


think i might go call dylon and talk to him for a few minutes.
i feel like i have to let him go.
even though i really dont want to .
im going to miss him so much!
hopefully he will be there.
im going to miss him.

thinsporation. my favorite thinspo pic

the anorexic stop sign

2 weeks.

god im such a fat ass. yesterday i binged all day!
i ate the soup, and then went and got a snack wrap with extra lettuce and grilled chicken around am, downed a diet coke, and was fine until lunch, when i ate some spaghetti, a roll, and brocolli, then, after school, at work, i ate a ham sandwich with lettuce, tomato, and pickle, and then when i got home, i drank some broth.
today, so far, ive had a ham egg and cheese biscuit, some milk, and 50 calories of juice. i'll skip lunch, go straight to work after school, and wait until i get home to mix some of the broth in the pantry with some of the broth in the fridge, and heat it up for dinner. maybe ill throw in some boiled veggies or something.
tomorrow, i hope to keep breakfast down to maybe a graham cracker, and maybe some milk and juice. i feel bad about not eating breakfast because i know that it makes everything work better in there.
so i always eat breakfast.
anyway, so ill eat the graham cracker for breakfast, skip lunch, and eat at home, maybe a lean cuisine, something small, maybe a plate of veggies, i dunno. just enough so i can sleep.
wish i wasnt so fat and disgusting.
dylon update: ok, so he's packing to leave for Pana, Illinois. to live with his grandma and look for work before college. he's leaving me. i wont speak to him, i dont even know if were still technically "together" anymore. considering the fact that we havent said a word to each other all day. i hate that he's leaving me, when he called me yesterday, he was sniffling and about to cry. saying that he's never been so afraid to lose someone. i dont think he knows that he's one of the main reasons for my ed. him and myself that is. i love him more than ive ever loved anyone. but i dont know if i can suffer through a long distance relationship. to answer the question can i just go with him, i dont think so. i have so much here, my mom is sick, and theres school, and work, and my friends and family. why move 800 (actually its 794, i googled it) miles away to be with a guy who thinks i talk too much? i mean,i know i do and everything, but hes supposed to be my boyfriend. the truth is, i have something for him for before he leaves. i went to this little shop a few towns over and bought some lingere. and i'll even go out and eat with him, if he wants me to. he leaves in 2 weeks! that's just not long enough. why does god hate me? how come every time i find someone i love, god takes them away? why do i have to starve myself to be skinny? why cant i eat like a normal person?
life sucks.
i guess ill just have to suck it up right?
more in just a little while.
love you all

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

screaming on the inside

i think were breaking up.
hes moving 800 miles away to live with his grandma
hes going to college
he cried when he told me
i ate too much
im a fat, sad cow.
i hate my life
i want to scream
i want to crawl into a little ball and cry
i want to go into seclusion for a few million years
i want it all to be over
i need a friend =(
Im writing this on a word document because the stupid school internet is being gay.
(I’ll copy and paste later)
Anywho, I thought I would share with everyone how my pro-ana lifestyle came to be.
Ive been on and off of diets since I was about 11. ive always been overweight.
I would vow to lay off of the crap food, and start exercising more, this would last all of about a week, and then I was right back to the potato chips, snack cakes, and pizza.
Then I met Dylon.
We have been friends for a couple of years now, and id always had this huge crush on him. Tall, skinny, and broody with a 9 inch Mohawk and a bad attitude.
Did I mention tall and skinny? REALLY skinny.
We met at school, and our friendship became close, we confided in each other, and I can still hear the words “I wont date a girl who looks like she weighs as much or more than I do.”
At that point, Dylon weighed 162. So off I went, on a casual diet, to lose weight so that Dylon would give me a second glance as more than just a friend.
I lost some weight, and people started to comment, “wow! You look amazing! How did you do it? You’ve lost so much weight!”
I kept dieting. And then I came across a pro ana website…actually, I googled it. No reason to beat around the bush here.
i became obsessed with being thin, i made a thinspo book, and then i turned my blog from just an every day account of a teenage girls life, to a completely ana obsessed site. do i regret it? not one bit. i have lost 30 pounds in the past 4 months and i dont plan on stopping any time soon. when i tell people i still want to lose 30 more pounds, they look at me funny. like "from where?".
i like that.
anyway, Dylon called me last night, but i didnt answer. the voicemail he sent went a little something like this
"uh...hey amybear, its me, just calling to see what's up. didnt see you today, i guess if i dont hear from you today, ill give you a call tomorrow...i...i love you amy...goodnight."
he used his sweet little boy voice...i hate it when he does that.
yesterday i went to dinner with Raymond, we shared a plate of brocolli beef (he got the beef, i got the brocolli) we ate with chopsticks (i was eating extremely slow, and taking lots of drinks from my diet coke).
it was alright, i havent eaten much since 7 pm yesterday
one cup of progresso chicken and rice soup. apparently it has 0 weight watchers points, and 60 calories per serving, i ate a serving about 3 this morning, because my stomach was killing me, and i drank some lime flavored, carbonated water. its wierd, used to be id have to eat the whole can of soup, and still not feel completely full, now, i eat half a can, and feel satisfied, and even full. it's wierd. i definately dont mind it though. lol.
thinking i might head out to get something this next class period, skip psycology class and maybe go get a can of soup or something at wal mart. sounds good. =)
will probably hear from dylon after work today, still not entirely sure i will be answering his phone calls. considering the fact that im still unbelievable peeved at him.
we'll see though,
i am NOT going to take any money with me to work today, i will NOT let myself binge eat on fried crap. i will NOT get back into that habit again.
woke up this morning, and my tummy was flat and pretty, im afraid to eat because i dont want to screw that up =(
remember ladies, think thin, stay safe, and starve on!
ps. thanks for all the lovely comments on my last post. i really do love all of the support!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

ugh...fat cow!

ok, so i spent so much time reading through all of your blogs, that i dont have a lot of time left to post myself! lol.
me and dylon had an argument last night. i got selfish and tried to talk to him about how im feeling about everything, my food, my mom, and everything, about how i have trouble sleeping at night alone, and how im depressed.
and it took an hour and 20 mins. i know this because he told me. "i was only supposed to be on the phone for an hour and a half, and you spent an hour and 20 mins rambling about yourself"
makes me change my whole opinion of him.
when we first got together he was pissed because i put up a wall, and n0w i talk too much?
anyway, been eating like a cow since i started my job.
steak fingers, frito pies, hot dogs, and lots of diet coke, soup, bread, been neglecting water, veggies, fruit, and exercise, i feel like a complete failure. im probably going to go eat more after i finish this post.
im such a disgrace.
going to get it all back on track today!
not going to take money with me to work, therefore i cant afford to eat the crap there!
going to plan out every bite i put in my mouth!
going to start walking all of the time and get back up to 6 bottles of water a day.
started drinking carbonated, flavored water, its amazing. 0 cals!
with all of the 0 calorie drink choices out there, why would someone drink their calories?
dumbasses. tsk tsk.
im still disgusting and deserve to be locked away somewhere.
im hungry, AGAIN.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

told you i would be back...

anyway, im still huge. and sooo ready to not be disgusting anymore
dylon keeps telling me to shut up, that im not fat.
he keeps making me eat.
he takes me out to dinner, and gets mad if i dont eat everything that i order
he brings me lunch to school
he sometimes picks me up for school and insists on going to a donut shop to get breakfast.
today, he forced a ham, cheese and egg biscuit down my throat,
tonight, he wants to go to get chinese after i get off of work.
"i dont want you to get sick, i love you" he keeps telling me.
its heartwarming and annoying as hell all at the same time.
anyway, no munching at work, promise =)
although this place has a steak finger basket that is TO DIE FOR
and some pretty amazing tacos =)
but oh well
anyway, we get in trouble for stealing food.
just try to stay busy, and the rest will take care of itself
i have to go to the counselor to get my schedule for the 2nd semester changed.
more tomorrow
love you all

New Job...

ok, so i started my new job yesterday.
not really tempted by the food. all of the food is cooked in the back, so i dont even have to touch it.
the manager is a crazy wierdo, and his wife is exactly the same.
ate a ham and cheese biscuit, milk, and juice for breakfast.
i have work again tonight,
more later.
oh! thanks for all of your comments and support!
i feel so loved =)

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

sick to my stomach...

so i ate a ham and cheese sandwich dipped in veggie soup and baby carrots for lunch
a few bites of a pickle, and a 100 calories of some kind of cheetos
i dont think i will be needing any more food for the rest of the day. lol.
starting my new job today, and im uber nervous,
also, ive totally been cheating myself.
smoked 3 cigarettes today.
i dont guess that's so bad considering the fact that i was smoking upwards of a pack a day not a month ago.
left a lot of you girls comments, so make sure to return the favor! lol.
im nervous as hell. and feeling sick to my stomach.
im going to walk to work tonight
it's crazy nice outside, and i think it will be good for me.
lunch was large, but rather healthy, think it was what i needed.
still dreaming about my incredible binge and purge. feeling excited for my first paycheck so i can make a trip to pizza hut =)
im in love with Ludo lol.
okay, so today's total caloric intake is roughly 500 so i figure im doing ok
can not wait to acquire some funds so i can get myself a gym membership!!!
treadmill here i come, lol.
still feeling fat
cant keep my hands off of my huge belly roll
and i hate looking at myself in the mirrior.
im looking for some support,
an ED buddy, so if you're interested just drop me an email, or a comment . i would appreciate it.
better get back to class.
much love
infinate hugs and kisses

G(L)A*m*04n$ Glamorous

b*I*n*G*i*N*g B*@*R*B*i*E




loved this picture.

away in dreamland...

had the fuckin wierdest dream last night.
wierd, and disgusting.
im like...running around town to every restaraunt i can find,
pizza hut, the chinese place, mcdonalds...buying everything i can think of.
pizza, that pizza hut pasta stuff, every kind of chinese food i can think of, and a bag full of double cheeseburgers, and a whole bunch of diet coke.
theres this forest thing behind pizza hut in our town, privately owned, and has a sign that says "NO TRESSPASSING" right at the enterance,
ive been there a million times to do things that are illegal.
anyway, im carrying all of this food back there, and im sitting there just stuffing my face, both hands full of food, one bite after another, just stuffing, stuffing my face.
im opening 20 oz diet cokes one after another.
i eat and eat, and eat, until every bite of food is gone.
and then, i stand over all of the empty containers....
and press the reverse button.
i woke up this morning and felt happy and disgusting all at the same time.
im thinking i might be making this dream come true here soon.
im starving.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

life in general...

start my new job tomorrow
im a waitress at a diner-type place
the owner only hires pretty girls, the whole town knows that.
while i was there today for my orientation, an old friend of mine who is...bigger, we'll call her "s"
came in, shes around 300 lbs, and has wierd colored hair and a tongue ring. i hate her now, but there was a time when we were very close. she looks at me, looks at the owner and asks "can i apply for a job?"
you know what the guy said?
makes me feel pretty good to know that i guess im considered "pretty"
i start work tomorrow.
started a 24 hour fast at 8 this morning, if all goes well, i might extend it to 48 hours, this is my first fast, so im trying to take it slow.
anyway, i have to go shopping for work pants tonight, not excited, i hate shopping for clothes.
im nervous about my new job.
scared that my mom will want to celebrate my new job with some kind of dinner, will eat very little if i have to eat at all.
i feel like a cow.
and im nervous about work tomorrow.
wish me luck!!!

Monday, January 12, 2009

i hate weekends...

my class ring is too big for my finger, like...waaay too big. my ex girlfriend looked at me today and said ''dude, when did you lose all that weight?''
i didny used to like my fingers, they were fat and...gross.
not so much like that any more.
im paying for it though.
i have a killer headache, i ate a pig in the blanket and two little orange juice things this morning and its starting to go away now.
i spent the entire weekend eating, but im trying the whole calorie shifting thing, so i decided im going to be extremely strict on myself during the week, like...anywhere from 200 to 300 calories a day, and then eat more like 900 calories a day on the weekends.
ate probably 1500 calories on Saturday
a mcdonalds breakfast burrito, a big movie theatre pickle, an entire package of graham crackers and a bowl of ramen noodles.
but for some reason my weight hasnt changed.
oh well.
ate less yesterday, but still quite a bit.
been really craving pickles lately.
got one of those big jars of the really big really sour pickles and ive eaten about 6 of them.
the vinegar in them is supposedly a natural laxative, and i read some stuff about how people go on diets where they eat nothing but pickles and have lost weight.
my mom said something about how she thinks im pregnant.
i almost cried.
Dylon has been pretty straight forward about the fact that he doesnt want kids now, any time soon, or maybe not at all. he told me that he wouldnt know what he would do if i told him i was pregnant. i prayed last night that im not.
ive done a lot of thinking.
ive always wanted to be a mommy, just not at 17. and Dylon just turned 19.
but as far back as i can remember we've always been very careful.
but there's always that chance, ya know?
i think my stomach is just fucked up.
my hair is falling out,
almost every time i run my fingers through my hair, at least 15 or 16 strands fall out
im shedding, and its all over the place.
dylon noticed that too. he looked at me the other day, ran his fingers through my hair, and shook his hand.
"what the hell, Amy? your hair is coming out."
i shrugged and told him that i think its from stress.
anyone know of any good thickening shampoos and conditioners?
my body is taking shape fairly well.
im still a whale, just not as big of a whale as i was.
once i get down to something not completely horrifying i will share some pictures, ok?
today, i think i might just eat a yogurt or something for dinner.
its really wierd, lately, since the holiday and everything, i get really sad and lonely as soon as it starts to get dark, and i dont want to be alone, i couldnt sleep last night because it was cold, and i was really lonely, so i went into the living room, my head pounding from my horibble headache that ive had for almost 2 days now. and curled up under the snuggly blanket next to my mom om the couch.
"im lonely"
my mom looked at me
i shrugged
"i dunno"
but i dont even know why i went in there, as soon as she got the chance, she started arguing with me,
"that was really rude what you did earlier, completely ignoring me when you were on the phone with dylon, im your mother, and i was speaking to you"
"its rude to talk to someone while they're on the phone"
"it sounded like he was getting mad at you for not listening to him, i heard you tell him 'i am listening!' "
its true, he gets mad at me when im on the phone with him, and i dont give him my complete attention, but its rude to try to have a conversation with someone when theyre in the middle of a conversation with someone else, and she never wants to talk to me unless shes bitching at me, asking me to do something for her, or on the phone with someone else.
and everyone wonders why i smoke!
anyway, as always, thanks for everyone's support, leave me some comments, i looove getting everyones feedback!
stay strong
think thin girlies!
mwuah! kisses!
amybear <3

calorie shifting link for ya

for my commenter who preferred not to show his/her name
heres a link for you
hope it works

Friday, January 9, 2009

calorie shifting?

anyone ever heard of calorie shifting?
it seems like a lot of food to be eating though...
saw it on the skinny website
im interested
anyone who can give me any information PLEASE leave me a comment, or send me an email k?

got my pickles =)

craving pickles...

Friday, January 09, 2009

Okay, gonna put this in a word document, and then copy and paste it into my blog. First of all, I think ive done pretty well these past couple of days, except for that damn biscuit I ate yesterday morning. I ate a grilled chicken taco yesterday (no cheese) and a side of pickle slices when we went out for lunch, and then a handful of Tums and a bottle of water for dinner at around 9pm. Woke up this morning and downed a bottle of water, and ate a package of graham crackers (90 cals) and a few drinks of milk (about 30 cals) once I got to school. Ive been craving pickles like crazy these past couple of days, so when we go for lunch, Im gonna stop at the store and pick up one of those huge ass movie theatre pickles, hardly any calories, and oh emm gee will it taste amazing. Plan on walking to the store later. My stomach is growling really loud right now, I think the entire classroom could hear it if we were all quiet enough. I really need to get those tips up here within the next week. I figure that I can eat the pickle for lunch, and then spit chew something for dinner. Try to fill up on diet coke and maybe some coffee with skim milk and splenda to help the hunger pangs, maybe. Im still not sure about the coffee. I cut up all of these apples yesterday, and separated them into 40 calorie increments and put the increments into plastic sandwich baggies, figured it might help. One granny smith apple contains 80 calories so be careful ladies! Researched the caloric value of some of my favorite foods. A grilled chicken sandwich from whataburger (for those of you who don’t know what that is, its just a fast food place) is about 460 calories. A mashed potato bowl from KFC is 620 calories! Im going to try to keep it under 200 today. Just the graham cracker, the pickle, and maybe something VERY small around 7pm or so. As long as I get some kind of exercise. Did you know that constant twitching and fidgeting can burn up to 500 extra calories a day? Probably going to go get a salad and eat about half and throw the other half away for dinner tonight. I was sitting at the table this morning, breaking my graham cracker into a million different pieces, placing one piece onto my tongue, and then swallowing a tiny sip of milk, and crystal looks at me and says “that’s all youre eating?” I looked at her and said “I ate an apple at home, im not all that hungry.” She shrugged it off but looked at me weird for the next few minutes. for gods sake my stomach is so huge that I could live off my own body fat for the next two decades, its not like im going to die if I don’t eat. You can live indefinitely without food as long as you have water. Cant wait for my bracelet to be ready! Im twitching with joy, lol. Ana phylactic hasn’t posted in a while, Im beginning to worry about her! She was one of my first followers, although I cherish you all equally. Oh, and if theres anyone who lives in the united states who’s looking for an ana buddy to text or talk on the phone with, to motivate each other, just let me know with a comment and we can exchange cell numbers, im in desperate need of support from someone who understands. Will be posting diet tips here soon, as soon as I get them out of my thinspiration journal (which is becoming pretty impressive, btw, it now contains a list of pro ana songs, literature, mantras, pictures, recipes, and all kinds of diet tips and tricks to suppress hunger, if anyone is interested just let me know and ill be sure to post some of the other stuff up. Ok?) ok, until later ladies (and gentlemen?) stay safe, and stay strong!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

the birthday went well.
i went with Dylon to his house, and everyone ate cake and ice cream, i told dylon that my stomach was hurting and that i didnt think i should eat anything heavy. i picked at the chicken that his grandma had made, didnt want to offend her.
only about 100 calories
i burned them off afterward, however, when we got the house all to ourselves. his friends left after he told them to go home, and his family was gone by about 8:30
his grandma had gone to church,
so it was just us and his big comfortable bed for almost 3 hours.
i got home about midnight, and my stomach was growling like crazy.
i heated up a lean cuisine, and a can of green beans, and ate about half, put the other half in the fridge, i should have just thrown it away
went back about 3 this morning and attempted to eat it
i ended up just spit chewing it into my bedroom trash
that, and a snickerdoodle.
figured thats better than purging
less calories absorbed into my body.
anyway, this morning was a mess.
it started out pretty well, a bag of apple slices, about a cup, and a bottle of water, i was feeling good about myself. my stomach wasnt growling in pain from starvation.
i was okay.
i got to school and looked at the school breakfast.
it was a ham egg and cheese biscuit.
crystal looked at me and said i should get one.
i got the biscuit, put a little bit of grape jelly on it, and drank about 2 oz of milk, and 4 oz of orange juice.
all together, i calculated about 300 calories.
so that should tide me over until dinner, i plan on walking to the store tonight, getting another lean cuisine, and maybe eating half, and spit chewing the other half.
still get the taste. lol.
Raymond says hes going to be going on a diet here soon, i told him im going to make him go to the gym with me.
havent gotten my membership yet, definatey going to look into it here soon though.
i feel like a fat cow.
anyway, at least i didnt binge on birthday cake and ice cream yesterday, did good.
urging Dylon to gain a few pounds.
sick of feeling so fat around him.
feeding him every chance i get. haha.
i swear he's lost about 10 lbs since we've been together.
anyway, still hoping to get your suggestions for weight loss!
like i said, im hoping to be posting some pretty cool suggestions up here soon.
OH! im almost forgot.
im getting my red dragonfly pro-ed bracelet made for me today!
im really excited!
i bought the beads yesterday, and crystals mom said she would make the bracelet for me today
ill take a picture and hopefully get it posted some time next week, ok?
until then ladies,
think thin.
love you all.
Amybear <3

Wednesday, January 7, 2009


LEAVE ME COMMENTS, OR CONTACT ME BY EMAIL AT if you have any suggestions to help me get rid of these 30 disgusting pounds
thanks everyone for your support!!!!
will be posting tips here any day now for your reading pleasure
have a great day
today is my boyfriends birthday!!!

Monday, January 5, 2009

art class...

i ate a little bit at lunch,
only enough to keep raymond from being mean to me
he plays around and calls me a fat ass
the truth is, i dont really mind it...
30 pounds to go.
and suggestions?

back to "normal''...?

been eating like a pig for days now.
cant stop
want to stop
i know im gaining weight
back at school feeling like complete shit
ready to just crawl into my little hole and die there
almost out of money
cant find a job
up to 800 cals a day almost
i feel like a cow
when does the circle end?
i feel like ive been going round and round and round for days now
eat, sleep, eat, sleep, eat, sleep.
no purge
no purge
no restriction
no willpower
no hope
no hope
no purge
no restriction
stop eating
ready for it to end now
ready for everyone to understand that im not comfortable in my own skin
want to crawl out of my skin
want someone elses skin
want my own skin, minus all the fat underneath it
no exercise
what the hell is wrong with me?
im hoping that being back at school and staying busy will help me some
have to kill the appetite
any help would be appreciated.