Friday, January 30, 2009


Havent eaten yet today. Just been chewing big red gum and trying to pretend im not hungry.
But oh my god im hungry.
Ok, yesterday I had…
Sausage biscuit for breakfast,
And a healthy choice for lunch
And a santa fe grilled chicken salad for lunch.
Im thinking I might just wait until lunch time to eat today.
Because I know that if I skip lunch too, then I know I will just binge at work and screw everything up.
Something light and healthy…
Maybe ill eat a grilled chicken sandwich dry with extra pickles before I clock in, and wait for a salad after I get off of work.
So today’s possible total: about 600
Not bad.
Just have to be careful.
Me and dylon are really doing good now. Since we made up we’re so much happier, it’s almost like we just got together, he makes me so happy! I dont really know what to do though...
I mean.
One second he’s the sweetest guy on the planet, and the next, we’re arguing over pretty much nothing.
I love him so much though.
My heart breaks at the thought of him giving his heart to another girl, i dont want him to be with anyone else, he belongs to me and just me.
He’s all mine.
And i dont want to share.
Im having what i like to call a “sexy crackhead” day.
My hair hasnt been washed in two days, and ive got it all scrunched up and curly looking in the back, it looks like a mess, and then i have the front straightened, the bangs part.
I have on way too much eyeliner, a pair of ripped jeans, and a band tshirt with some old converse shoes.
Very trashy chic.
Anyone can pull off the “sexy crackhead” look.
Except for really fat people.
Crackheads are meant to be kind of hungry looking.
Not to mention the fact that my lips are seriously chapped because of the cold weather we’ve been having lately. I almost froze on the drive to school today, i walked in to the school, and put my hand on crystal and she jumped.
It’s been impossible for me to be warm all day, despite the fact that im wearing two shirts, two pairs of pants and thick socks, it seems like the cold air just goes right through me.
And im exhausted, did i mention that?
Fell asleep about 10 last night, woke up at 10:56 to talk to dylon for a few minutes, we hung up a little after 11, and i went back to sleep, i woke up about 7:25
And im still tired!
Despite getting my eight hours, im still exhausted, but i guess i’ll be tired tonight when i get off of work.
Been freaking out about money lately.
I only have 189 in my account. And i still have to pay my cell phone bill, put gas in the car, and pay my mom the 20 dollars i owe her.
I get another paycheck on the 5th of February though...
I guess it’ll be ok.
I dunno. I wish i could stop worrying.
I wish my mom’s nose wasnt in my finances all of the time
Like it’s really any of her business anyway.
I really dont like her.
I wish she would go away for a few weeks.
She’s driving me insane.
Im getting hungry!
Wait a minute
No im not
Changed my mind.
Im working on a project playlist of pro ana songs, im going to copy and paste it up here very soon.
I really need to put up those tips for you all.
Been really busy lately.
Bye lovlies!


So this website has been blocked from the school. So I have to write all of my journal entries on word documents, and add them on all at the same time. So my journal entries now will come in large masses. And I definitely wont be on as often. God I hate this school. I cant wait to graduate. I don’t want to talk about food. I talked to Mark last night.
If you’ll look toward the beginning of my blog, all of my first blog entries have a lot to do with him. I was completely in love with him. He completely stole my heart.
He’s in Paris now. He has adopted two little girls, so now he has three daughters to take care of. I don’t know if I told you about Ashley, the nanny that he hired after he tool over his role of godfather to Dakota, his best friends daughter, after his best friend killed himself. Anywho, there was Ashley, who was about 20, and completely beautiful and perfect, and in love with Mark. He hired her on as Dakota’s Nanny, and it only lasted a few weeks. Mark took Dakota to Paris to be with his great aunt Clara and to run away from Ashley. After he’d been in Paris for a few weeks, living with Clara and had already adopted Antoinette and Christine, the girls from a French orphanage, Ashley went to Paris looking for him. Mark told her that he didn’t love her, and that he didn’t want to have anything to do with her. And Ashley hanged herself in her hotel room. That was about three days ago. I talked to Mark last night, I had just gotten off of work, and we had been texting for a few hours, and I told him everything. About how I did, do and always will love him, about how I think about him every day. And I told him that I didn’t think I really had anything left to live for. There was a night about 4 months ago when I called him and he told me that he had overdosed himself on heroin. I stopped him from killing himself. I told him that at least someone loved him enough to stop him. He replied to my text with a text message that said “I want to die”. I asked him why and he said “I love her, im in love with her and she is dead because of me”. I remember being so jealous of Ashley that I threw a fit when Mark had mentioned being with her. Even though I was with Dylon at the time, and we were happy, I still didn’t want Mark to be with anyone else. I wanted him to be mine. I wanted his heart, I wanted his soul, I wanted him to belong to me as I had belonged to him. But Mark fired Ashley because he didn’t want me to hurt, he wanted me to be happy. He told Ashley to leave. And she spent the rest of her life trying to convince him to be with her. And it isn’t Mark’s fault she’s dead, it’s mine, me and my fucking selfishness. I hate myself for what I did. My heart screamed out for him, still does and always will. If Mark had not pushed me away, told me that he was too old for me, told me that it would not have worked out between us, then I never would have even thought about Dylon. If Mark had chosen me to be the one he wanted to be with, I could have been so happy. And I know that I would have been able to make him happy too. I wanted his heart more than I wanted to breathe. I still do…I think anyway. So there I was, sitting on my bed with a full bottle of sleeping pills on my lap, texting Mark, and saying goodbye when I got the text that ended it all. “do it and I’ll pull the trigger.” Mark had just told me that if I killed myself, three little girls would go without a father. What the hell was I supposed to do?
I want to die.
“I stopped you because your my best friend” he told me
He always used the word “your” in the wrong context.
But that’s ok.

Im really depressed, and fucking pissed.
We went to the park at lunch, me and Jessica. And I took 8 of those relacore pills. The bottle said not to exceed 6 a day, and im starting to feel sick. Everyone in the art room at the school is so retarded and stupid and im so fucking sick of hearing about this stupid Mexicans fake experience at some asian school, I wish she would stop lying. When did this school get so gay? All of my favorite websites are blocked. My playlist, and my fucking blog, and here I am writing this fucking blog entry on a stupid fucking word document. On the bright side, me and Jessica are seeing who can eat the fewest amount of calories a day. im so fucking sick of this place. Shit would be so much easier if I was skinny and maybe even dead. The computer is pointless.

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