Wednesday, December 2, 2009

meat is murder?

went vegetarian. yay!

meat is murder?

went vegetarian. yay!

Saturday, November 21, 2009

ok. so im gonna need info to get ahold of you lol.

just send me an email at and i will send you my phone number so we can keep in contact. thanks for the shoutout mel! hee hee.

still a fat ass.

im sorry its been so long since ive posted. i still dont have a home computer and so im taking it all day by day. im excited to hear that so many of you are interested in the abc diet! thank you so much for your support. leave me a comment with your email and i will get on it monday. promise! then we can start. im still falling. new boyfriend is turning out to be a total frog.
would still appreciate a texting buddy for support on pulling me back up.
still a fat ass.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

ABC diet.

ok. so i have been thinking for a little while on how to lose the excess weight so i can get back to my old self. and i came up with the 50 day ABC diet.
but i could really use someones support.
so if youre interested in starting here in the next few days then i would really appreciate your support.
im really really really intent on losing the extra weight.
i used to be around 120
im up to 157 in the past 3 months.
im a fucking disgusting cow. even moreso now than 3 months ago.
and i REALLY need to get all of this off.
there have been people who have lost up to 20 lbs in the 50 days. so im gonna triple my time.
i wanna get down to 98 lbs as soon as i can.
so super strict restriction and low caloric intake, my gym membership, and lots of water are gonna get me there.
if youre interested i will send you the list that i have of the different days and calorie intakes for those days. if youre ready for 150 days or even a few weeks i could really really really use the help.
im not at my best right now and i know that without someone pushing me i might not be strong enough to do it.
so im begging.
just drop me a comment.
please and thank you.

Friday, November 13, 2009

im back and im distressed.

hey everyone. sorry for my long absence. ive been so busy with life.
im back now, and im as fat as ever.
ive been eating like a cow.
and yes, it is as bad as it seems.
double cheeseburgers and milkshakes, french fries and cookies, brownies and gallons of diet coke and diet dr.pepper.
i have lost my willpower.
i desperately need help. DESPERATELY.
so please...please...pretty pretty please.
if you are reading this comment me and let me know if you can help.
i need someone to keep a hold on me.
someone to help me get my willpower back.
a buddy with unlimited text and talk would be amazing.

Monday, July 13, 2009

she's a slut, and you're F%&#$*G retarded.

i really do apologize for not blogging sooner.
ive been really busy with work and everything.
i see that i have 60 followers now...woo hoo!!!
so its been a little over a month now and my life has changed pretty drastically.
two days before graduation mathew broke up with me.
turns out he was screwing his BEST FRIENDS EX GIRLFRIEND!!
he told me it was over and there was no "sweet talking" (his words) him back into getting with me.
so after a couple of days of just laying in bed, overdosing myself on nyquil and watching old sad movies my mom pulled me from my mess and made me sit through graduation.
so i was cheated on.
never should have left dylon.
i hope mathew pulls my blog up on his computer history and reads this.
just in case you're reading this mathew, i dont miss you, the sex was bad, and you should really think about getting your nasty ape feet checked out. i hope your new girlfriend can handle your tiny dick and your bad attitude, and your immaturity...oh, and your hairy crack...did i leave anything out? um...your body odor, your nasty smelling hair, your bad driving, your constant whining, your messy room, your nasty breath, your habit of stealing cigarettes right out of people's hands, your bad taste in music, your stupidity, your all over ugliness...oh, and she's a slut, but not half as much as you are. did i mention that?
i hate you both and i hope you both burn in hell together,
i never should have left dylon for you.
and i dont see what everyone sees in you.
you're not as amazing as i told you you were.
hope i didnt leave anything out,
i want to insult you in every way possible.
did i mention that it wasnt hurtful that you broke up with me, or even cheated on me...but with her?
grow a pair.
oh...and you owe me money.
so the whole food thing has pretty much gone down hill.
and without sex my exercise has kind of slacked off too.
i really wish i had time to write in the story, but i only get thirty minutes.
i promise that im going to try as hard as i can to get to all of your blogs.
i hope you have all managed to be stronger than i have.
im still hoping for a miracle!
graduation went okay for those of you who are wondering.
my mom cried,
and invited my exgirlfriend along to help ease the pain of losing mathew.
i miss dylon.
but he's already moved on to some beautiful girl from indiana named Sydney.
anyone have any ideas on how to move on?
gonna start looking for these gastric balloon pills that expand in your stomach.
109 dollars.
still tired, and kind of stressed.
gonna go look for a book to read now.
i want to know how you all have been doing,
so leave me a comment okay?
promise i'll return the favor as soon as i get the chance to get back here.
keep your fingers crossed that i will get my own home computer here soon, okay?
love you all.
remember, nothing tastes as good as thin feels!!!
mwuah mwuah
amybear <3

Wednesday, June 3, 2009


i'm supposed to be taking a semester final for my computer class right now, but i figured since this may be my last post for a while i might as well take advantage of the computer time.
yes ladies, the time has come.
the end of my senior year is finally here!
i havent sent out any graduation invitations, or anything like that, i wasnt sure i was going to graduate, so i was waiting.
graduation is on friday,
everyone on my dad's side of the family is coming to see me early friday afternoon, mathew and i are going to meet them here at the hotel they reserved in town.
my boyfriend is about to meet my dad for the first time.
he will be the first boyfriend who has ever met my dad.
then we will all head to graduation around 6,
then back to the hotel afterwards.
mathew and i may or may not spend the night there.
then my dad and stepmom are taking everyone out for a celebration lunch on saturday.
my boyfriend is so nervous! lol.
he is excited to meet everyone.
ive really been restricting hard for graduation,
i want to look amazing when i walk accross that stage.
my mom isnt going to be there,
neither will her side of the family.
they're not invited.
but it was completely her choice, she said "if uncle richard cant come, then i dont want to either"
she thought i was going to put up a fight.
she's a grown woman,
she shouldn't have been so childish.
im going to go actually work on this test now.
i will post again asap.
everyone take a look at my new story, comment and let me know what you think, okay?
wish me luck!
love you all!!!

Friday, May 29, 2009

hey ladies i just started a new blog.
it's an online book im going to be writing on and adding to for a while.
i would love it if you all would read it and tell me what you think.
thank you ladies!

waiting for the results...why the hell is she smiling?!?!?!?

and the cycle continues.

when the girl gets bored.

this is what happens after the binge i right?

fat ass.

the binge eater.

my thinsporation...emily browning...please remember to read my last post.

i hate myself for having no self control.

what i want more than anything is someone who can relate with me.
someone to call if i get hungry...
someone to go on fasts with and sit around and chug water with.
someone to exercise with.
someone to help me get back on my wagon.
i want someone who is just as screwed up as i am inside.
i want someone to share my dirty little secrets with.
i want someone to help me through these little voices in my head that keep telling me
"you can eat that, it's okay. mathew will love you even if you do get fat again. go ahead and order that, it's not a big deal."
i want an ana buddy.
i want someone to talk with about the lightheadedness and the hunger pangs and the fear of the scale.
i want someone with as much willpower and control as i used to have...
someone to lift me up.
someone to help me from falling.
i want a real friend.
i feel so lonely today
but then is just like every other day.
i see all of these perfect little girls with their hipbones sticking out, and their rib cages poking through their extra small tshirts, and i cant help but think that i want to be like them.
i want to be thin and beautiful just like the girls that seem to swarm around me every day.
making me feel huge and bloated compared to their perfect little bodies.
i want someone to share that with.
i hate myself for having no self control.
im disgusting.
i want ana to wrap her arms around me again and cradle me gently until she has squeezed all of the will to eat from me.
i want to lay in bed and listen to the sounds of my stomach growling.
that sound means im doing wonderfully.
i deserve every pound ive gained.
i deserve every night i spend sitting alone in my bed crying because i just finished eating and i feel so disgusting.
i deserve every notch in the belt that ive had to losen up.
some people are born perfect.
and others have to die to make themselves that way.
i am not perfect.
i am the opposite of perfect.
i am the fat girl with no self control who fell off the wagon so long ago that i would break it if i decided to jump back on.
so maybe i should step lightly
ease myself back into it.
i dont want to do this alone.
i need the support of a girl who is just as fucked up as i am.
i want to be perfect.
i need help.
anyone know the names of any good thinspo books?
or amazing books about ana?
im looking for some good reading material.
please help!

dear mom,

dear mom-

you make me want to tear my hair out.
no, this isnt a teenage phase
this is me being truthful.
when we argue, you automatically turn to your brother to help you out because you cant take me on yourself.
you are weak and helpless.
i am done trying to make you happy.
i am finished trying to make your life easier.
you are selfish.
you dont want anything to do with anyone who cant help you in some way or another.
i hope the infection you have is deadly.
i dont want to talk about my eating habits with you,
or the drugs i may or may not be on.
i dont want to hug you, or drive your crappy car.
i dont even like sitting next to you.
i cant wait until you die.
you talk too much.

dear mathew-

dear mathew

you have no idea how special you are to me.
i love you so much.
you are the only person who can make me smile when my mother makes me want to kill myself.
when i am with you i feel complete...
when i am laying in your arms everything is completely amazing and there is nothing to worry about.
last night, when my mom and i got into that fight, i really appreciate you holding me without me having to ask you.
thank you for picking me up for school after she took my car away.
thank you for making me so happy.
i feel so lucky to have you in my life.
you can make me smile when all i want to do is cry.
you can make me laugh harder than anyone else.
you can make me feel warm when i have goosebumps all over my arms.
you know just how to snuggle me so that both of us are comfortable and i'm not being suffocated by a blanket, or a part of your body.
you dont look at me funny if i accidently drool on you while were sleeping.
you give me a reason to want to wake up in the mornings.
i know you would do anything for me.
and you have no idea how much i appreciate you.
i love you so much.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

trying hard as hell to do better than my family thought i would.

hey everyone.
im working hard to graduate next week.
trying hard as hell to do better than my family thought i would.
im working my ass off on algebra.
mathew has been really supportive and sweet about everything.
instead of seeing me right after school, he kisses me goodbye at the end of the day, and goes off to do his own thing for a while.
then we hang out during the evening, i drop him off at home. and he comes to see me at night around 9 or so.
i love it when he comes to see me.
we went to walmart together last night and had a blast. he's so goofy.
i think i might force him to go to subway with me today, because im starving.
i can get a 6 inch veggie delight.
and he can eat more than half of it! lol.
i eat a lot less now because he eats more than his share of every meal. lol.
i dont have just a whole lot to talk about today, but im still looking forward to reading everyone's comments!
oh. my intake today has consisted of orange juice and an m&m that mathew forced down my throat.
me and my friend laura are going to do this whole weight loss chalenge together this summer.
see who can lose more faster.
it'll be exciting.
love you all dearly
stay strong.
think thin.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

but will someday come too soon?

it's getting to the point where i dont even want to be away from him.
when im with him i dont worry about anything or anyone.
when im with him im smiling and happy.
when im with him the world is okay again.
when he is away from him i miss him.
i love spending every second of every day with him.
i love him more than i was supposed to.
it started out as just being sex.
i was just supposed to use him.
but now my heart belongs to him.
my heart is sad when he is away.
who needs food when i have a love like this?
who needs nourishment from eating when all i need is to lay in his arms to feel whole again?
i need him more than i should.
i love him so much.
i dont even know if he understands how much i think about him.
how sad i am when he isnt right next to me.
how much i hope he feels the same way.
i remember talking about mark, and justin, and dylon.
but this is different.
this is real.
this is everything ive ever needed and more...
much more.
not a whole lot has changed between us since yesterday.
we went to senior awards night together last night, and he watched me accecpt my scholarship for art.
then we went to walmart and played around.
we went and parked at the park in his neighborhood and he let me draw a walrus on his penis.
it was cute, it had big confused eyes, and long tusks, and a bowtie.
i leaned over him and began to kiss him.
and he started tugging at the waistband of my pants.
we had sex in the back of his car in a public park.
and i let him come inside of me...again.
we have talked about what we would do if i was pregnant.
he says he isnt ready to have a kid.
and neither am i.
so i think what i would do is just give the kid up for adoption.
maybe we could have a baby together,
maybe we could make a life with one another.
maybe im just being naive.
i dont really know.
he says he's pro-choice.
but im not sure i am.
if i were to get an abortion, i would have to kill myself afterwards, and i really dont want to die.
mathew said that if i killed myself, he would kill himself.
but what good would that do?
i dont want to kill a person.
and that is exactly what getting an abortion is.
i will just keep my fingers crossed and hope that im not pregnant.
part of me doesnt want to be...
but part of me is excited to be a mommy.
it's what ive wanted since i was a little girl, pushing my dolly around in a stroller and dressing her up in little outfits and pretending she was crying and feeding her and putting her in the sink for a "bath".
i love kids.
and i want them someday.
but will someday come too soon?
keep your fingers crossed for me ladies.
i love you all.
cant wait to read your comments.
think thin, stay strong.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

oh...and we had sex.

i just wanna thank everyone for your comments.
i really appreciate all of you following me.
okay then,
so this weekend i worked extra hours to make money for all of my fines and bonds and stuff.
it really sucked.
the good news is my mom let me spend some extra time with mathew.
i ate dinner at his house on saturday night, and he came and picked me up after work yesterday morning and snuggled in my bed with me. (memorial day weekend. hope everyone had a great holiday!)
oh...and we had sex.
i went over to his house saturday morning and we layed together in his bed, kissing...and touching...and then we had this amazing, mind blowing sex that left me breathless.
then we took a walk to the park. and he pushed me against the railing of the playground and pulled up my sundress...
then we had sex again.
we went back to his house and layed together in his bed, he snuggled me until i fell asleep, then came and woke me up when his family was sitting down to dinner.
then i ate dinner with his family.
when you eat dinner with your boyfriends family, you cant be stupid and pile your plate full of food, but you dont want to insult his family either.
so i ate a slice of briskit (or however you spell it)
and a spoonfull of potato salad
a spoonfull of brocolli rice and cheese casarole (cant spell that word either)
and a piece of garlic bread
i skipped the barbequed sausage and the corn on the cob (didnt want to be picking corn out of my teeth, or drip or spill anything on myself)
then after dinner, mathew and i went on a short drive to a bookstore and just hung out until he drove me to work.
we spent sunday driving around and spending time together.
and then yesterday he came to see me at work right before i got off at 7 in the morning. he stayed and ate breakfast with me, and then we went back to my house and snuggled in my bed after we took a shower together. he couldnt keep his hands off of me.
he kept waking me up to have sex lol.
i love falling asleep with him next to me. he is so unbelievably warm! there is almost no need for a blanket when i snuggle with him.
he is an amazing snuggler.
i fall asleep so much easier when i have him there with me.
and when we dont fall asleep together in person, he will call me at night and talk to me until we both fall asleep on the phone.
he says he thinks im definately losing weight, and that it looks good on me.
he says he thinks its all the sex we're having, lol.
i feel amazing when im with him.
and that's all that counts.
well, i hope you all have enjoyed this post, comment me if you want.
i love you all.
think thin, stay strong.
amybear <3

Friday, May 22, 2009

we are so happy for now.

so now that im back at school and everything is pretty much back to normal im pretty and mathew are doing pretty amazing. he even told me he loves me when i got out on monday and we were standing out at the back of the school, witing for my bus (my mom said i couldnt take the car to school because i was in trouble, that lasted all of about one day) and he was waiting with me, he was holding me really close, leaning against the wall, and he said
"there was something i was going to say to you when i saw you being taken away in handcuffs that day...i love you amy"
then he kissed me and held me even tighter.
we are so happy for now.
he keeps telling me that he wants to be with me forever and he will always love me...
it's only been 2 months...but im hoping he doesnt change his mind.
i really like this one.
as for eating?
i havent had anything but this piece of gum in my mouth right now.
yesterday i had a grilled chicken sandwich on a wheat bun with no mayonaise and extra pickles and then the day before that my mom made me eat chicken alfredo with brocolli with her.
ate about 3 bites before i stood up and told her i was sleepy.
gonna go get something small here in a little bit.
and maybe drink some water
trying to keep my intake to a bare minimum so i can stay cute for my extremely amazing, muscular boyfriend.
my period is almost over so you can bet that were going to be having amazing, crazy sex here in a day or so.
think thin ladies.
love you all
amybear <3

Monday, May 18, 2009

k9 unit.

so you're never going to guess what happened to me this weekend.
it was me, mathew, our friend tray, and our friend laura in the car, tray was driving, mathew was sitting passenger and laura and i were in the back seat.
we went to some place called colombus Texas, stayed the night, and tripped our asses off on all kinds of drugs.
we were on the drive back, it had been raining all day, and we were tired and had been driving for what seemed like forever.
we were about 40 miles away from home, no longer than about 20 minutes or so, when we got pulled over by a k9 unit.
yup. the drug dog and his owner.
we had a black guy in the car in the middle of a super-racist town.
they checked the car and the black guy and i were both arrested and put in jail.
i just got out.
mommy dearest came and bailed me out.
my uncle tried to choke me.
i used to consider him like my father figure.
until he tried to rip my hair out, and grabbed my arm, and put his knee in my back.
this man is not a small man.
and i no longer consider him my family.
he is no longer invited to my graduation, no longer my uncle.
he is getting too far into business that doesnt have anything to do with him.
im 18 years old and he's trying to pry into business that isnt his.
im not going to invite my aunt either, considering the fact that she is a narc and a dumb bitch.
the only people invited to my graduation are my aunt di, my aunt urs, my mom, my dad, and my gramma. anyone on my dad's side of the family is invited...but my mom's side of the family isn't.
shit...i may not even walk accross the stage...i might just have a big dinner with my dad's side of the family.
jail was disgusting...and freezing. they gave us one blanket and no shoes.
i didnt eat for 2 days.
i lost 10 pounds.
im tired.
later everyone.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

a little bit of thinspiration.

shirley manson.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

maybe im just paranoid??

so theres this girl...
her name is kelsey but everyone calls her Red.
she was at the beach the night we rolled on x.
and her and my boyfriend tried to take a walk on the beach together.
i said no.
i think theyre just friends but im not sure.
she's always there.
this morning when i went to pick him up she walked out of his house, too.
and automatically i was in a bad mood.
but...he promised me he's been faithful.
maybe theyre just friends...
maybe i'm just paranoid??
i dont even know.
i really like Red...
she's a cool person...but she really should understand that there's a line.
she cant just hang out with my boyfriend all the time.
but also...i dont want to seem too overbearing.
i dont want her to come between me and mathew.
i dont know...
anyway, i havent eaten anything today.
not yet, anyway.
im thinking i might actually go to taco bell and get a taco salad...maybe.
i reeeeeally wanted subway last night.
maybe i'll go to subway.
im so confused!
think thin ladies.
peace out.

Monday, May 11, 2009

hilary duff got all bony and shit. look!!

i love being under the influence.

so this weekend was amazing, despite me coming out of it COMPLETELY COVERED in mosquito bites.
we rolled at the beach.
if you do x and you havent ever done it at the beach, i highly recommend it. the water was rippling to the bass of the music, there were clouds everywhere, and everything was spinning. i walked in the water, and sat in the sand, i spun in circles and laughed.
it was amazing.
but even more than that, i really enjoyed spending time with mathew. apparently we are back together. he kisses me, and holds my hand now.
we sat in my car on saturday night, at the beach, in the heat, away from the swarms of mosquitos, and just held each other and listened to eachother breathe.
it was...the way ive always wanted to feel with another person.
and then there was yesterday,
i decided since we had 7 x pills left that i wanted to do more right before i went to work.
so i popped one.
and rolled my ass off my whole shift.
i cleaned and stocked absoloutely everything.
and i was feeling so good by the time got home that i just layed in my bed with my blacklight and listened to old rock music and rolled my eyes back into my head.
because im a complete hippie like that.
i love being under the influence.
okay, and the entire weekend all i consumed was 4 chicken burritos, and half a can of soup.
in 3 days.
and i didnt even finish my chicken burritos, i ended up giving mathew most of them.
didnt even think about food for most of the weekend.
when you're rollin that's the last thing you're thinking about.

Friday, May 8, 2009

he broke up with me but im still his girlfriend?

good morning ladies.
thought i would start off with my intake for the rest of yesterday
i ate:
8 oz orange juice- 50 cals
4 oz slim fast- 80 cals
1/2 taco salad (no shell)- 100 cals
today, so far, ive had 2 bites of a koloche and 1/2 bottle of orange juice (mathew finished off what i didnt eat, boys are like garbage disposals)
so...were "broken up" but he still hangs out with me after school, and hugs and kisses me, he went to my house to see me last night, we went to the store for a diet coke and sat in my car and shared a wine flavored black and mild and just talked for a while.
he called me last night,
"i want you to touch yourself for me."
i thought he was joking with me for a while.
then he started to breathe all hard and heavy, and we had phone sex.
and this morning?
i picked him up, he's walked me to all of my classes, and hugs me tight right before he lets me go.
he doesnt kiss me at school anymore, or hold my hand, but he nudges my arm with his elbow until i get the hint to loop my arm through his.
i really like him.
anyway, i looked in the mirrior this morning. and already i feel sooooooo much better about myself.
everyone be proud of me! lol.
so i talked to dylon last night.
he's talking about how one day, he thinks there might be a chance that we can get back together.
my thoughts?
if i had a choice between him and mathew, i would pick mathew.
i think i like where we are right now.
just...hanging out.
okay everyone, big party at the beach tomorrow!
theres gonna be a lot of drinking.
i cant wait.
cant wait to be numb for a little while.
i asked mathew last night
"is it like you said? is it just another relationship?"
he replied "not really...and by not really i mean not at all."
okay, now to answer that comment.
i think it was...lina?
a koloche is a lot like a pig in a blanket, a piece of sausage wrapped in a roll and filled with cheese.
they taste amazing, but there insanely bad for you.
thats why i gave it all to mathew =)
yesterday, when we were cleaning out my car at a convenience store, he saw one of his teachers, and she said "mathew, what are you doing?"
he replied with "cleaning out my girlfriends car"
he broke up with me but im still his girlfriend?
im confused...if he wasnt so adorable then i would be mad...
but i cant resist his eyes!
i wanna post a picture of him soooo bad.
ill try to take a good one of him this weekend and see if i can get it up. mkay?
i think im gonna go read and comment all the blogs i can get to.
im done writing.
love everyone!
think thin ladies!!!
amybear <3 (im using amybear again because dylon and i are no longer angry at eachother)

Thursday, May 7, 2009

thinking i might start posting my daily food intake again.

i woke up at 7
and it is now 11
and all ive had is about 4 oz of orange juice- about 45 calories.
said no to the koloche my art teacher offered! or however you spell it koloche.
i want to gain my self control back sooooooooo bad.
wish me luck?

my broken little heart jumped for joy.

so im a dumbass...
i broke up with dylon for the possibility of finding love a little closer to home.
i cheated on him with with mathew.
i gave up a lot for mathew.
and then....last night...
he broke up with me.
"did you honestly think it was gonna last forever? it's just another relationship"
he said that to me...
it wasnt the fact that he broke up with me...
it was the way he acted like he didnt care hat i had given up so much for him.
the love of my life.
i wasted gas money and time on him.
and he doesnt even seem to give a shit.
"i want to be friends" he said to me.
so guess what my dumbass did?
went to pick him up for school this morning.
he walked up to me, and rubbed my back. and he's been giving me these really tight hugs all day.
do you do that to a friend?
im so confused.
maybe i just miss the sex...
i dont know.
i wish i wasnt so stupid... that i didnt get all caught up so fast. i wish i didnt tend to fall so hard.
i called dylon last night after mathew broke up with me...and he talked to me.
and he told me that i was too good for that guy anyway.
and we talked for a while.
it was...amazing.
and then...right before i went to sleep...
i got a text message
from dylon.
my little broken heart jumped for joy.
i dont have anything left in me.
im just...tired.
suicide seems like such an easy way out when you cant seem to handle everything else.
anyone got any tips on how to kill myself the right way?
better get going.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

still feel disgusting...

okay, so today is wednsday.
been eating like a cow all week.
still fat.
still feel disgusting.
i was under the impression that mathew and i were going to spend the evening together, alone yesterday.
but...that's not what happened.
we ended up doing the same thing that we have been doing for a month now.
picking people up, smoking weed, and dropping people off.
only this time it was many many people.
im starting to think that maybe i should take a picture of everyone who gets into the car, and turn them into a collage.
think thin ladies!

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

no condom.

been eating like a complete pig lately. ive gained 4 pounds.
this week hasnt gone very well so far.
im failing algebra, so im not sure if im going to be able to graduate on time.
i have no money for prom night.
and im going crazy.
i showed up at mathew's house today all ready to be ravaged.
we start going.
he took off his pants...
and looked on his shelf...
no condom.
i was disappointed to say the very least.
This school is so fucking retarted.
it's one credit.
and theyre gonna let it keep me from graduating?
ive tried really hard in that damn class.
i hate school.
cant wait to graduate.
gonna stop babbling now.
got my nails done yesterday...
probably wont do it again.
i dont like it very much.
waisted money.

Friday, May 1, 2009

"hola, this is amy, leave me a message"

hey everyone.
so it's been a crazy week.
underclassmen had these state issued tests all week so the seniors only have to attend today for attendance reasons. we've basically just been watching movies.
dating a 16 year old is harder than i could have imagined, we got into our first big fight on sunday:
i got off of work at about 7 sunday morning, and i decided i would give him a call, i wake him up, and we call a couple of more people, his brother, a friend of ours, and kristen, a friend of mine. we head out to the beach, we drive around, and were having a good time, we go back to kristen's house and hang out there.
i spent the whole day with him,
and then the unthinkable happens...
dylon calls.
and what do i do?
my dumb fat ass answers. and talks to dylon for 10 minutes.
he misses me, and his sister is in the hospital with cancer in her leg...they may have to amputate.
so for the whole drive home, mathew and i have a huge screaming fight in the front seat of the car, right in front of his little brother, and another person.
and just hasnt been the same.
we dont spend any time alone... just me and him.
we dont ever have time to talk.
we dont go on real dates.
its just me...and mathew...and at least one other person hanging out all the time.
the only time were alone is when were having sex, which is way less often here lately. and right after that it's right back to hanging out with other people.
he's never taken me anywhere nice
and i pay for EVERYTHING.
oh, and this morning, when i went to pick him up for school. another girl, a girl who just broke up with her boyfriend, a girl he used to date, walked out of his front door right after him.
"hey baby, can you give her a ride too"
what the hell?!?!?!
then there's natalie...a girl mathew has known for 8 years, a girl he's driving 30 miles away to see by himself on monday...without me.
how the hell would he feel if i decided i was gonna hang out with some guy he didnt know?
i miss dylon so much.
he called me last night and left me a voicemail. "im sorry you had to deal with me while i wasnt really sure who i was. im sorry."
i want to talk to him so badly.
he kind of laughed at my voicemail "hola, this is amy, leave me a message"
he said "haha hola amybear"
i wish i could upload it onto the computer from my ghetto ass little phone.
havent eaten anything so far.
more later.
love you all!!
think thin ladies.

Friday, April 24, 2009

paint over me and glue me back together.

okay, im gonna post an update real quick and then im gonna go through as quick as i can and read and comment as many of your blogs as i can get to . im really trying here okay! lol.
havent eaten anything today so far.
had amazing sex yesterday.
my boyfriend stole my amazing fedora (sad face)
it's okay, i'll get it back.
in a fairly good mood.
ive started the short story on the past few months.
im gonna type it up and make another altered book (google it)
im gonna take a library book (hard cover) and paint with acrylic paint over the cover and the pages, paint backgrounds on the pages, and paste the words onto the painted backgrounds. of course some of the pages have to be glued together, because if i were to paint on EVERY PAGE i wouldnt be able to get the book shut!
plus, i dont have enough words to fill up the whole book.
but's gonna be like....a memory book for me and dylon.
im gonna put a picture of me and mathew in the end. and if me and mathew are together for any legnth of time then i'll do the same thing for him. i was thinking i might do one for me and kimmi (my ex girlfriend) but im not sure im gonna have the time with all of the schoolwork im gonna have to get caught up on here soon. i get my car back today!!
so excited!
okay lovlies, if you dont get a comment from me today, im sorry! i do try and read all of your blogs, i swear! but i love you all, thank you all for your amazing comments and words of encouragement. you've all really helped me get through these teribble times.
thanks again.
stay strong, think thin.
amy lee <3
(thats my middle name)

Thursday, April 23, 2009

i hate relationships.

i dont know whether i should be pissed or just get over it.
he wasn't there this morning.
i waited for him in the art room just like i always do.
and he never came.
he didnt walk me to 1st period.
he was too busy smoking weed with some girl.
what am i supposed to think when he comes to school high...
without me?
should i be mad?

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

mathew has this...amazing body. this bulky chest...he's all tan and kind of muscular but still skinny, and most of all, he has this muscular back. i swear, there's not one ounce of fat on him. and all of these rail thin emo girls are always following him around.
so what does he want with me?
is it because he's sixteen and he needs someone who always has cigarettes?
is it because i know a million ways to get completely fucked up legally?
is it because i know everyone on earth who has drugs?
or does he really like spending time with me and being in my company?
i dont know...
i hope so.
havent talked to dylon...havent even sent him a text message. he's ignoring me. i wonder if he's having sex with other girls yet?
probably. he's too adorable to not have girls hit on him and follow him around.
why do these sexy, adorable, amazing looking guys like me?
im just the short, fat girl with the bad attitude and the amazing art ability.
that's all i am.
i wanna try that acai berry stuff.
i think it would help me to lose some of this extra weight.
had i just STUCK TO MY DIET i would be skinny as a rail right now.
instead im still a fat cow.
i cant get back on the wagon!
i love food too much!
i need help!

Monday, April 20, 2009

was this over before it ever began?

okay. so this was my teribble, horibble, no good, very bad weekend.
saturday: got off of an 8 hour shift at whataburger, and fell asleep about 8 am. went home, and fell asleep. woken up at noon by the sounds of my uncle talking.

"the car was a mess, there were cigarette packs and diet coke bottles and cans everywhere"
he told my mom that he was going to have to take the car to the shop so they could fix some part on it so i can go get the damn tags on it. (theyre 2 months out of date...oops)
not too long after that, actually...while my uncle was still talking, my ex boyfriend calls me. (dylon) and we have an hour long's over...forever...he told me that he still cares a lot about me, but that he just doesnt love me anymore. did i cry? well duh. i cried like a baby. so after i got off of the phone i called mathew and told him i was going to pick him up. i did. we sat in my car in the middle of nowhere in the pouring rain (we got like three inches that day) and hot boxed my car.
yes...with smoke.
so after we smoked in my car, and i was feeling better. i took him to whataburger and we went in to eat. and then we went to his house.
yes, ladies and gentlemen, we had sex with his parents downstairs in the living room, and there isn't a door on his bedroom.

sunday: i worked from 10:30 to 7am and came home, slept, watched the miss america pagent, and then argued with my mom. i have no car for the next week, so i have to ride the bus to school. and i can't see mathew after school this week.

today will suck. but i'm taking sophia ruins' idea and im going to turn this whole mess into a story. maybe not a book quite yet, just going to go with a short story, and then keep going with it.
ive always loved to write, so maybe this will be good for me. im going to incorporate the words from "feel good drag" by anberlin into the short story.
i asked my ex girlfriend if she wanted to go with me to prom...just as friends. she said sure.
im going to pimp myself out with my long straight hair and fedora and maybe even a dress!
lol. dark red lipstick, and big sunglasses and maybe even a pimp cane or something. then maybe an afterparty at the beach...or maybe just me, kimmi, and a couple bottles of liquor.
some jager, and some black velvet whiskey.
my favorites.
i think i may be done writing for today.
comment me!
(note:i will no longer be signing my blog entries as "amybear" because it makes me want to cry whenever i do)

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

the saga continues. nothing has really changed.

still depressed, and missing my dylon.
i would give anything to hear him say "i love you amybear" to me again.
i NEVER should have done what i did.
now that im off of my period mathew and i are fucking like rabbits again.
yesterday in the backseat of my car, and again in his bed before i dropped him off at school.
and yes, we will probably do it again today after school.
i love sex.
today i went to mcdonalds and got one of their yummy steak and cheese bagels. total-a million calories. it was a bitch to get back up. but after two glasses of orange juice and some deep breathing i managed.
my throat still hurts.
it seems like lately i cant stop eating. my weight has stayed pretty much the same plus or minus a pound. but it just seems like every time i turn around im hungry again.
i need some fucking willpower.
what will dylon think if he does decide to take me back and i weigh 600 pounds?
im disgusting.
oh, and sophia ruins is right, this would be good material for a book.
new york times bestseller?
i'll write more soon.
love you all.
stay stronger than i am ladies.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

-sigh- drama.

so this really sucks.
i told dylon i needed a break from him...but im changing my mind. yes, i want to date two guys at the same time without them knowing about one another.
one is sweet, and adorable, and nice...and we dont do much but sit around and make out...and he's close enough to touch, but hes also 16, and no, i dont see a future with him. but he's making me happy right now.
and then there's dylon...the one person who has my entire heart. he's smart, and sexy, and open minded, and the person i want to spend the rest of my life with. he's more my age (19) and i know im in love with him. but ever since i told him i wanted a break he hasnt spoken to me. i miss him so much. he's mad at me, i know. i called him last night but he didnt answer. and he doesnt text me anymore like he used to. i miss it. i wish i never would have told him that i wanted a break. what was i thinking? oh, right...i wasnt.
i was under the influence.
something he told me he never wanted me to do again.
i have to stop.
sometimes being with mathew is like babysitting. i mean...he's just 16 after all.
anyway, ive been so caught up with this whole thing that my mom says that she hasnt seen me eat in 3 days.
and she's right, i haven't eaten...i cant think about food right now.
one more thing to make my stomach churn...
and not to mention, on top of all of this drama and mess, i started my period!
mother nature is a bitch.
now, the boyfriend i have purely for physical reasons wont even have sex with me because im on my period.
so what's his purpose?
oh, yeah...he is an amazing kisser...
but he wont kiss me in front of people...
i tried to get him to make out with me this morning in the back room of the art room, but he wouldnt.
dylon and i did everything but have sex in that room.
dylon was so open minded and kinky.
i love him...
and oh my god i miss him so much.
pray that he calls me!

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

hey everyone.
so something pretty big happened.
i told dylon i need a break from him for a while.
i met someone else.
his name is mathew
and he's two years younger than me.
he cant even buy rated R movies!
but i like him anyway.
he's so adorable.
he told me yesterday "i feel like im dating this older girl who's way too pretty for me and i keep wondering what you see in me. "
he asked me to be his girlfriend yesterday
and i said yes.
he walks me to all of my classes, and let me wear his jacket.
he's so cute and sweet.
but i wont lie...i miss dylon.

Friday, April 3, 2009

sorry all of these are so spread out...<3

Okay, so where do I start? First of all I’m really sorry to all of my readers that I haven’t been blogging lately. My mom went into the hospital a couple of weeks ago and just came out about 3 days ago. She went in at 228lbs and came out at 166lbs. the weight was from the fluid that her body kept producing and it got so bad that it was to the point to where it was leaking out of her body. She came home looking a lot better and feeling pretty good. I’ve been at home taking care of her. The day after she came home I came down with something dreadful. I had a fever and a sore throat, I was sick for two days, and last night I could feel the drainage in my ear. I took three ibuprofen and some Nyquil and called it a night. Dylon really has been amazing these past few weeks, he’s really been there for me. If I don’t want him to get off of the phone while I fall asleep, he doesn’t, and he knows that I haven’t been feeling well. He’s really been there for me. I start back to work tomorrow night at Whataburger! Whether im sick or not im going to get what I need to get done accomplished. My throat was so sore the other day that I couldn’t even eat, not that it wasn’t a blessing, lmao. Anyway, wish me luck!
I was so stressed out last night trying to catch up on my English work that I started to cry. All of this would be so much easier if I wasn’t sick! I love you all, thank you for reading! Stay strong and think thin ladies!
Amybear <3

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

im baaaaaaaaack....again! missed you all!!

Sorry I’ve been MIA for a while now. I had this insane, crazy, unbelievable spring break. Forget about eating, all I did was drink and smoke. We spent every day last week fucked up. My mom finally decided it was time to go to the hospital the Friday before spring break and so I spent all of spring break with the apartment to myself. The party continues until she comes home about two weeks from now. You can believe that I will be spending the next two weekends fuuuuuuuuuucked uuuuuuuuuup. The only downfall of having the apartment all to myself is the fact that it gets so unbelievably lonely…
For the past few nights, Dylon and I have talked on the phone from 9p to 4a. he stays with me on the phone until I fall asleep. He makes me feel so complete…I told him that I don’t know what I would be doing to fall asleep if It wasn’t for him. I wouldn’t be able to sleep at all. Last night he sat on his laptop, and played me music from his project playlist while I fell asleep. He didn’t even care that I snore. I don’t know what I would do without my amazing boyfriend. Waaaaaaaaaaay too much shit has gone down over the past 2 weeks to sit here and type. My effing fingers would fall off. Im trying to stay inebriated, and haven’t been eating hardly at all. I have trouble waking up for school, and I get extremely lonely at night. I will be continuing this party until the time that my mom arrives home to me.
Okay, girlies
Stay strong
I love you all
Amybear <3

Monday, March 9, 2009

im baaaack. =)

i turned 18 friday, and i dont remember any of it. lmao.
got waaaaaaaay too messed up.
and didnt sleep for more than 2 days.
it was great.
i had phone sex with dylon a grand total of 6 times yesterday.
i dont know what it was with him,
but he wouldnt leave me alone.
at last, once it was about 2:30 in the morning (4 hours until i had to get up for school)
we had phone sex one last time and then he started to fall asleep on the phone.
i really love the way he breaths when he's sleeping.
deep, and slow, and really calm.
i havent eaten anything so far today,
probably only consumed 1000 calories over the past 4 days.
when one has vodka, one needs nothing else. (except marijuana!)
funny thing is, i dont get the munchies anymore.
anywho, im back now.
back with a vengance.
hope you all missed me
because i missed you all.
much love
stay strong

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Quick Update

almost forgot!
Friday is my 18th birthday!!!!!


all i can fucking do is eat.
im a worthless piece of shit who can only think about herself.
and im a disgusting fucking fat slob.
i'll never be beautiful.
i log on and get to read posts about how all of you are doing so well.
and all i can think about is "where the hell did my willpower go?"
i cant stop making excuses for myself.
i hate my body.
how does dylon even look at me?
is he blind?

Thursday, February 26, 2009

just another thursday?...or is it only wednsday?

havent eaten anything yet today, but i am getting hungry...should i eat? or just leave it as is?
i dont even know anymore...
im between who i was and who i want to be.
i know i dont want to be who i was.
ever ever again.
i will literally kill myself before i get that fat again.
i was walking with my ex girlfriend in the hallway about an hour ago, and i was squeezing the fat rolls on my stomach.
she looked at me and said "what are you doing? you're not squeezing anything, there's hardly anything there to squeeze"
and then she tickled me.
anyway, mom agreed to go to the hospital last night. we're setting up an appointment for next tuesday.
because im off of school.
but she says that before we do that im going to have to help her take a bath.
and yesterday i had to empty out the bucket that she pees in because she cant stand up long enough to walk to the bathroom.
shes not even 53 yet.
why do things like this happen to such young people?
things like this are the reasons why my belief in god is very...tested.
im not sure what to believe in anymore.
i want to thank all of my lovely followers that have taken the time out of their days to comment me, it means more than you know at this point in my life. i greatly appreciate it.
i love you all
i bid thee farewell
until it be morrow

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


sitting in art class, listening to blue october, and waiting for the day to be over. think im might stop off for lunch somewhere here within the next few hours....or just go get a pack of cigarettes or something. i really could use a cigarette.
im getting my nose pierced here within the next couple of days.
im gonna have the whole artsy, drug addict, eating disordered, kind of painter thing going for me.
i think dylon really likes that.
i told him that i have a thing for skinny guys with bags under their eyes.
he said "guess what, sweetie, you found one!"
we had this...amazing phone sex, it was almost like we were...really together....i could really feel him inside of me. i could really feel his hands on my hips...squeezing...touching....holding...sweating....mhmm.....
i fall in love with him a little more every night.
i really dont know what i would do without him...
we were talking about names last night.
i was talking about how if i change my first name, then i wouldnt be "amybear" anymore. and he said that i would always be his amybear.
and then he said "maybe one day...maybe one'll be amybear Beeson..."
Beeson is Dylon's last name...
it would be a dream come true to have dylon's last name...
anywho....ive still been eating like a cow.
and i need somebody's motivation, somebody's help...
if anyone can or wants to help me, it would be amazing.
i think im done posting for now.
think thin!!

Monday, February 23, 2009

going a little crazy...

here's a post from 2/20

Ya’ll have been posting like crazy all day. I’ve been trying to go through and read all of your blogs and everything so that at least I can comment.
Im trying to find the time between art, dylon, work, school, and school work.
My life is so hectic right now, and dylon is demanding so much of my time it’s ridiculous.
We’re trying to fix things.
So it’s now 10:43 a.m. on Friday, February 20, and I haven’t eaten since 6:15 yesterday evening.
I’m starting to get hungry…
Maybe I like this feeling.
Been working like crazy on my art. Pushing out one piece after another.
Ive finished and matted 3 in the past 2 days.
I think that throwing myself into my art makes it easier to not think about food.
Im a diet pill junkie.
And I never thought that I would be that way,
Like…If I didn’t have my bottle of hydroxycut, I think I might go crazy.
I wanted to change that
Or at least I thought I did
But I really don’t think that I do.
I mean, it’s something that I do, something that I like doing.
I like adrenaline high I get off of taking them…
Like…my heart is pounding, my head is racing, and I have these bursts of energy.
Not to mention, the thought of food makes me want to throw up.
Im getting fat again.
And I don’t like it
Not one bit
Haven’t weighed myself in a while.
Going to go get a maximum strength colon cleanser.
And spend the entire weekend on the toilet.
Maybe it’ll help me lose!!
Anyone have any suggestions for quick weight loss supplements that I can look into?
Need to look good for next weekend.
Lemme know.
Love you all to death.

"the time has come the walrus said, to talk of many things. of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings, and why the sea is boiling hot,

-and whether pigs have wings."

art competition was on saturday.
visual arts scholastic event.
or VASE.
i think i did pretty well.
never saw so many amazing looking asian kids in one place.
amazing bodies
amazing hair
amazing teeth
amazing skin.
it makes me so jealous.
been eating like a cow
and after this class, im going to go to the bank, head to burger king, and get a grilled chicken sandwich, an order of fries, and a diet coke...and i still have half of one of those really big candy bars.
any one know how i can just...stop.
i cant stop EATING
i feel like a pig.
like a whale.
like something big...and covered in fat.
something blubber-y
im disgusted with myself.
i make myself sick.
think im going to get back on the diet pills.
they make me feel so much better about myself.

Thursday, February 19, 2009


awwww, thank you sophia, for calling me pretty =)
im sick today, detoxing myself from the diet pills, the cocaine, the weed, the liquor, and the numerous other pills i used to medicate myself with.
im done with all of that.
the only problem are all of the side effects from the detox.
my constant moving,
my spiders,
my mind moves at a million miles an hour.
and i felt like i couldnt breathe last night.
it was crazy...
i called dylon, and he just told me to calm down, and helped me get my mind off of it.
we had amazing phone sex.
and then had more amazing phone sex...
and then we were all cute and nerdy and dorky for a while.
i really love him.
we're adorable.
since im detoxing, i feel like im hungry all the time,
my body looks soooo much healthier and better.
my hipbones kind of poke out
my ribs are becoming more and more apparent.
and the zits are gone.
anywho...thank you for wishing me luck!
love you all
stay strong, think thin

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

"last night was a mess"

my new painting...
it's called "last night was a mess"
its yellow, and brown, and...well... a mess.
its covered in candle wax,
and it's actually pretty good.
gotten a few compliments on it.
ate pizza at 5 last night, and it's now almost 11:30 and i havent eaten again yet,
been spending a lot of time talking to dylon
i miss him
anyway, big art competition on saturday!!!!!
wish me luck!!!
love you all!!!
oh...and happy birthday, laura!
have a great one.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

making mistakes and cleaning up messes.

last night...was

that's all i have to say.
something happened.
i had been so good all day.
had eaten a small lunch, and wasnt even all that hungry.

and then i got home.
and all of a sudden...
i let my mom get to me.

i dont know if ive talked much about how sick my mom is.
mainly because i dont like to talk about it.
she's gained about 100 pounds in fluid all over her body, and she doesnt do anything at all.
she cant even move without breathing hard.'s getting to where she cant get to the bathroom as easily as she used to be able to.
so she...had an accident.

i spent a couple of hours cleaning it up.
and crying.
i went to the store...and i bought three of these 8 packs of fun sized candy bars
i sat in my car...
and i ate all 24 of them.
i sat in my car, and ate 3000 calories worth of chocolate, listened to seconhand serenade, smoked, and cried like a pathetic loser.
and then dylon called exactly at 9 (as soon as he got free minutes)
because i had been texting him.
telling him everything.
i had to.

i almost made the mistake of breaking up with him last night
"im going to be here for never going to leave you alone"

Monday, February 16, 2009

off and on the wagon

sorry i havent been blogging as much lately. been spending a lot of time these last few days trying to keep my life from falling off it's hinges.
this whole art thing,
and dylon
and then there's the rest of my classes that i may or may not be failing.
but im really trying lately.
im not cheating on dylon anymore
and my art teacher is making me eat.
she buys me lunch, and we eat together, we've grown really close these past few days
and ive been losing weight like crazy.
like...10 lbs in the past two weeks.
i think it's a mix of diet pills and stress.
ok well, please comment me!
i could really use the support right now.
been off and on the wagon
so i could definately use a friend.

side effects

i think that the hydroxycut ive been taking is starting to do something to me.
i took four this morning, and didnt eat any breakfast...ive got spiders, and im shaking, and i cant seem to sit still...everything is moving at a million miles a heart feels like its stopped beating...and i really need a cigarette...i need to eat...i need water....oh my god this must be what dying is like.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

...and it's only tuesday...

okay, so here's my post from yesterday:


So the weekend was uneventful. Trying to get back on track with my eating. Have lost four pounds in the past 3 weeks though, so I’m pretty happy about that. Been working and going to school. Spent a lot of the weekend talking to Dylon on the phone. I was so sure that we were close to our end after he told me about Eric, and after we had those arguments, seriously, this whole past week, we were arguing and fighting about just little stupid shit, not even anything serious. I skipped all day on Friday, and we went to see that movie “The Uninvited” anyone looking for some kind of thinspiration should definitely check that movie out. Not to mention it’s pretty amazing. I was shocked at the end. Got into a pretty physical fight with my mom yesterday, but I guess we’re okay now. I have a lump or something on the back of my arm, two bruises on my right wrist, and some scratches on my face, neck and hands. (she should really think about clipping those nails).
Today, so far, I haven’t eaten anything, but I’m thinking I might go get a rice bowl, or something.
Oh! I almost forgot. Campbell’s Select Harvest has this Light soup, it’s only 50 calories a serving, and it’s pretty good. The southwestern style vegetable is my favorite.
I’ve been surviving off of this stuff
My weekend went like this
12:30- wake up, call dylon (because by the time I woke up I had already missed his call 5 or 6 times)
Talk to dylon for a couple of hours, maybe 3, lay in bed and pretty much do nothing.
3:30- eat one half can of soup, and a piece of 45 calorie bread, toasted (total: 95 calories!)
4:00- get ready for work
Immediately after work I call Dylon, and even last night we were on the phone until 2:30 a.m. when I get home I eat the other half can of soup, and one more piece of toast.
Daily caloric intake- 190 (that’s with NO snacking, and eating two entire meals a day!)
Also, I’m now spending an average of…7 hours a day on the phone on any given weekend, and around 4 hours a day during the school week.
That’s over 30 hours a week!
If I could get paid for that, I could make an amazing living.
I think I’m done for today, but I will keep you all posted and updated.
I know that I haven’t been posting as often, and I know that my posts are becoming less and less about food, but the truth is, I’m so ashamed of eating like a cow that I don’t want you all to have to read it. But I do appreciate you all being here for me, and commenting me. I love you all dearly!
Stay strong ladies!!!
Amybear <3

today, so far, i haven't eaten anything.
unless you count the vegan grilled cheese dipped in my magic soup i ate about 2:30-3:00 this morning.
so it's been about 7 hours since my last meal.
took 3 hydroxycut (cant remember how to spell it) this morning and my metabolism is raging and very angry that i havent fed myself yet.
i probably would have, had i not woken up almost an hour late this morning.
we'll blame my mom for that.
smoked a cigarette, took those pills, and drank a diet coke with some lime juice in it this morning.
was taking pictures of myself in the mirrior in my bathroom yesterday to send to dylon.
because now that he's so far away, i figured he deserves it.
before i finish what i was about to tell you all, i want to go back to months ago.
im standing in front of the same mirrior in my bathroom that i was standing in front of last night, holding the same cell phone with the same camera, even wearing the same damn clothes. same beatles shirt, faded blue jeans, and black leather dickies belt.
the shirt was tight,
the jeans were tight,
the belt was 10 notches away from being too small.
i stood in front of that mirrior last night, and had to hold the shirt in the back to get the same look as i had in that shirt 5 months ago.
to get it to look tight.
the jeans now have almost 5 inches of empty space in them.
and the belt is 22 (i just counted) notches away from the end.
i sent the picture of the chubbier version of me to dylon, and then a picture of the new and improved dylon...
and for the first time since ive started all of this...
ive really SEEN the difference. makes it all worth it.
Dylon even said that he thinks my body is sexy.
that he loves my hips, and my stomach.
and he wants a picture of my stomach...
im hungry.
okay everyone
that's all for now!
stay strong everyone!!!
amybear <3

Thursday, February 5, 2009

"why do you starve yourself?"

dylon and i have been having trust issues since he left.
which i dont guess is abnormal or anything, considering the fact that he now resides 800 miles away.
i got really dizzy at work yesterday, and almost passed out.
when i told dylon, he asked what i thought was wrong, and i said that i may have just forgotten to eat.
he said alright, but my concience (spelling???) was still on my ass about it.
so i told him about how ive been abusing diet pills. and i told him about how i have been intentionally starving myself for months now, and i told him about how i feel inferior to him.
and he cried.
and then we just had this conversation where everything came out.
he talked about something he did over the summer.
before we actually got together.
he told me about a cocaine habit that he had.
i asked him how many times he did it, and he said "i dunno...maybe 8, maybe 10, maybe 12"
i asked him "who did you do this with?"
and he asked "did i ever tell you about Eric?"
i shook my head, even though he couldnt see me.
Dylon took a deep breath, and sighed a little, and was silent for second.
"Eric was the only guy i have ever had sex with, in my entire life."
i wont lie, i was shocked, disgusted, and turned on all at the same time.
i mean, i stick my fingers down my throat and make myself throw up when i think that i have eaten too much, so who am i to judge, not to mention, i was in love with my ex girlfriend.
i sighed, and asked "how many times did you do it?"
he said "i can think of about 5 times, but it's more of the reason of why i did it. to get the cocaine more or less, but i wont say i didnt enjoy it."
my boyfriend had sex with another guy, and he liked it.
how am i supposed to feel about that? how am i supposed to react? what the hell am i supposed to say?
i just wanted to hold him.
i had never felt so close to someone as i had with him at that moment.
"Why do you starve yourself?" he asked, after he had finished telling me about all of this
then it was my turn to be silent.
i opened my mouth..."to be perfect for you."
so here we are, the girl with the eating disorder who abuses diet pills, and the binge drinking, recovering cocaine/pill addict.
but i like to think were more than just that.
im an artist, and he is so passionate about so many things.
he's so smart, and wise beyond his years.
and we find it in our hearts to care about each other.
and im in love with him.
for real this time.
and it feels like im floating on air.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

just chililn

ate the biggest burrito ive ever eaten at lunch.
it was amazing
and the only thing i will be eating today
im such a fat ass
i dont even deserve to live



Had a fairly interesting weekend.
Filled it with chicken nuggets, steak fingers, French fries, and hot fudge sundaes.
But im back on my wagon today.
And even though ive been eating like there’s no tomorrow, my stomach still looks flatter
My birthday is coming up in about a month, I will be 18!
Dylon and I have been talking all weekend.
Since Saturday night we have been on the phone almost constantly.
And we have been having phone sex like crazy.
But Saturday night I did something bad…
Yeah, that’s right. I cheated.
With this guy that I work with, who also happens to live in my apartment complex.
He invited me over after work Saturday, and it just…happened.
And I feel really bad about it.
But I don’t know what to say, I mean, I didn’t tell dylon.
I love dylon.
I don’t know why I did it.
I got…amorous.
I don’t really know though.
I know that I love dylon, and I know that I want to be with him forever, but were just going through a hard time right now, right? And it will be better once we are actually “together” again.
So ive been eating.
I might actually give myself one more day of eating before I go hardcore.
Because more than anything I want a taco salad, with nacho cheese, and chips…mmmmm…oh god. Yes, I think I might just do that.
Enough about food.
I feel bad because I am a slut.
Anyone know any ways to…uh…retighten…uh…things…uh…down there?
I don’t want to be loose!

Friday, January 30, 2009

my rant.

just have to keep trying. i cant focus on the things that matter to me anymore. all i keep thinking about is how good the food in front of me looks. since ive already screwed up for the week, i figured i would get a steak finger basket for dinner, and feel like complete shit for the rest of the day. since my boyfriend is leaving me in 3 days, i figure i dont have to impress anyone anymore. i want to eat. i wish that this shit had never come into my life. i wish that i could sit down to a meal and actually ENJOY it. not think about how many cals are in everything im eating. i took 8 relacores yesterday, and im going to go half and half on a bottle of expensive diet pills with Jessica the label says "intented for the severly overweight, not the casual dieter"
i guess you could call me severly overweight.
im so depressed.
im fucking my boyfriend like crazy because i dont know when im going to be able to do it again is.
its phone sex from here on out buddy!
i hate my life.

Dita Von Teese Thinspo


Havent eaten yet today. Just been chewing big red gum and trying to pretend im not hungry.
But oh my god im hungry.
Ok, yesterday I had…
Sausage biscuit for breakfast,
And a healthy choice for lunch
And a santa fe grilled chicken salad for lunch.
Im thinking I might just wait until lunch time to eat today.
Because I know that if I skip lunch too, then I know I will just binge at work and screw everything up.
Something light and healthy…
Maybe ill eat a grilled chicken sandwich dry with extra pickles before I clock in, and wait for a salad after I get off of work.
So today’s possible total: about 600
Not bad.
Just have to be careful.
Me and dylon are really doing good now. Since we made up we’re so much happier, it’s almost like we just got together, he makes me so happy! I dont really know what to do though...
I mean.
One second he’s the sweetest guy on the planet, and the next, we’re arguing over pretty much nothing.
I love him so much though.
My heart breaks at the thought of him giving his heart to another girl, i dont want him to be with anyone else, he belongs to me and just me.
He’s all mine.
And i dont want to share.
Im having what i like to call a “sexy crackhead” day.
My hair hasnt been washed in two days, and ive got it all scrunched up and curly looking in the back, it looks like a mess, and then i have the front straightened, the bangs part.
I have on way too much eyeliner, a pair of ripped jeans, and a band tshirt with some old converse shoes.
Very trashy chic.
Anyone can pull off the “sexy crackhead” look.
Except for really fat people.
Crackheads are meant to be kind of hungry looking.
Not to mention the fact that my lips are seriously chapped because of the cold weather we’ve been having lately. I almost froze on the drive to school today, i walked in to the school, and put my hand on crystal and she jumped.
It’s been impossible for me to be warm all day, despite the fact that im wearing two shirts, two pairs of pants and thick socks, it seems like the cold air just goes right through me.
And im exhausted, did i mention that?
Fell asleep about 10 last night, woke up at 10:56 to talk to dylon for a few minutes, we hung up a little after 11, and i went back to sleep, i woke up about 7:25
And im still tired!
Despite getting my eight hours, im still exhausted, but i guess i’ll be tired tonight when i get off of work.
Been freaking out about money lately.
I only have 189 in my account. And i still have to pay my cell phone bill, put gas in the car, and pay my mom the 20 dollars i owe her.
I get another paycheck on the 5th of February though...
I guess it’ll be ok.
I dunno. I wish i could stop worrying.
I wish my mom’s nose wasnt in my finances all of the time
Like it’s really any of her business anyway.
I really dont like her.
I wish she would go away for a few weeks.
She’s driving me insane.
Im getting hungry!
Wait a minute
No im not
Changed my mind.
Im working on a project playlist of pro ana songs, im going to copy and paste it up here very soon.
I really need to put up those tips for you all.
Been really busy lately.
Bye lovlies!


So this website has been blocked from the school. So I have to write all of my journal entries on word documents, and add them on all at the same time. So my journal entries now will come in large masses. And I definitely wont be on as often. God I hate this school. I cant wait to graduate. I don’t want to talk about food. I talked to Mark last night.
If you’ll look toward the beginning of my blog, all of my first blog entries have a lot to do with him. I was completely in love with him. He completely stole my heart.
He’s in Paris now. He has adopted two little girls, so now he has three daughters to take care of. I don’t know if I told you about Ashley, the nanny that he hired after he tool over his role of godfather to Dakota, his best friends daughter, after his best friend killed himself. Anywho, there was Ashley, who was about 20, and completely beautiful and perfect, and in love with Mark. He hired her on as Dakota’s Nanny, and it only lasted a few weeks. Mark took Dakota to Paris to be with his great aunt Clara and to run away from Ashley. After he’d been in Paris for a few weeks, living with Clara and had already adopted Antoinette and Christine, the girls from a French orphanage, Ashley went to Paris looking for him. Mark told her that he didn’t love her, and that he didn’t want to have anything to do with her. And Ashley hanged herself in her hotel room. That was about three days ago. I talked to Mark last night, I had just gotten off of work, and we had been texting for a few hours, and I told him everything. About how I did, do and always will love him, about how I think about him every day. And I told him that I didn’t think I really had anything left to live for. There was a night about 4 months ago when I called him and he told me that he had overdosed himself on heroin. I stopped him from killing himself. I told him that at least someone loved him enough to stop him. He replied to my text with a text message that said “I want to die”. I asked him why and he said “I love her, im in love with her and she is dead because of me”. I remember being so jealous of Ashley that I threw a fit when Mark had mentioned being with her. Even though I was with Dylon at the time, and we were happy, I still didn’t want Mark to be with anyone else. I wanted him to be mine. I wanted his heart, I wanted his soul, I wanted him to belong to me as I had belonged to him. But Mark fired Ashley because he didn’t want me to hurt, he wanted me to be happy. He told Ashley to leave. And she spent the rest of her life trying to convince him to be with her. And it isn’t Mark’s fault she’s dead, it’s mine, me and my fucking selfishness. I hate myself for what I did. My heart screamed out for him, still does and always will. If Mark had not pushed me away, told me that he was too old for me, told me that it would not have worked out between us, then I never would have even thought about Dylon. If Mark had chosen me to be the one he wanted to be with, I could have been so happy. And I know that I would have been able to make him happy too. I wanted his heart more than I wanted to breathe. I still do…I think anyway. So there I was, sitting on my bed with a full bottle of sleeping pills on my lap, texting Mark, and saying goodbye when I got the text that ended it all. “do it and I’ll pull the trigger.” Mark had just told me that if I killed myself, three little girls would go without a father. What the hell was I supposed to do?
I want to die.
“I stopped you because your my best friend” he told me
He always used the word “your” in the wrong context.
But that’s ok.

Im really depressed, and fucking pissed.
We went to the park at lunch, me and Jessica. And I took 8 of those relacore pills. The bottle said not to exceed 6 a day, and im starting to feel sick. Everyone in the art room at the school is so retarded and stupid and im so fucking sick of hearing about this stupid Mexicans fake experience at some asian school, I wish she would stop lying. When did this school get so gay? All of my favorite websites are blocked. My playlist, and my fucking blog, and here I am writing this fucking blog entry on a stupid fucking word document. On the bright side, me and Jessica are seeing who can eat the fewest amount of calories a day. im so fucking sick of this place. Shit would be so much easier if I was skinny and maybe even dead. The computer is pointless.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009


dude anna i missed you!!!!!!!!
ana phylactic is amazing!!!
dude, where'd ya go?
my computer is being gay so it isnt loading anything
so i cant read your blog, but you should totally send me an email
because you've been gone for forever and i saw your post on my followed blogs
and i got all excited.
see ya!

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


so i decided that since i ate breakfast, i cant have anything for lunch. i think im going to lunch with Jessica anyway.
which means diet coke and relacore.
not a bad combination
i took 7 yesterday. probably just take 4 or 5 today.
stay under the "limit"
it kept me up pretty late last night.
although i wasnt hungry. lol.
i ate a grilled chicken caesar salad (no dressing) for dinner, just like i had a grilled chicken salad at lunch.
so the total intake for yesterday

there was the yogurt
only ended up eating half the cup-55 cals
then there was the salad i ate-about...we'll say...200 cals (including the chicken)
and then the salad i had at dinner, well make that about 250 (it had chicken and some kind of cheese)
my total daily intake-too much.
about 505
today ive already eaten a biscuit with turkey sausage and a little bit of grape jelly.
so i think that should be able to tide me over until dinner.
thinking about a salad from arbys.
and maybe pouring some salsa on it.
or maybe i'll just chill at home, and eat half a can of soup, and cook a cup of brocolli.
we'll see.
godda go pay my cell phone today.
omg. so Dylon and i made up last night.
yes, thats right ladies, we made up.
and oh my gawd was it amazing.
i think the fact that im still on my you-know-what only made it better
he said he'd never do that.
but he confessed afterwards that it does feel pretty great.
he was doing things that he's never done before, and kissing all of the places that he knows make me go insane.
i had no idea that my pg13 boyfriend could be so rated R.
i have to say, this is a side of him that i definately dont hate.
he called me "baby" for the first time last night.
usually its either "amy" or "amybear"
which im fine with, but hearing him call me baby was totally hot.
lets keep this PG
so i'll be moving on from the subject of the amazing sex that i had last night...
the amazing sex that i cant stop thinking about...ok
ive decided that when he leaves here in a few days, i want to continue on with a long distance relationship.
i hope were strong enough to last through it.
he'll be gone for about 8 weeks at a time.
and ill be able to see him for long weekends, holidays, and breaks.
maybe it'll be ok...
keep your skinny little fingers crossed for us ok?
alright ladies, i godda scadaddle
thats right...scadaddle.
i'll try to post more here soon.
as always, think thin, and i love hearing from all of you. so dont be shy to comment.
love you all
amybear <3

Monday, January 26, 2009

eat me, drink me.

mY fElLoW cOmRaDeS:
Ok. So I hope that everyone’s weekend went well.
Mine went alright despite the fact that because I was bleeding from my crotch the entire weekend, I ate like a cow.
And I lost my cell phone on Friday in the bathroom of the school, and didn’t have it all weekend. It really sucked, like…whoa.
But they found it and someone turned it in and I have it now,
It’s close to dying, but whatev.
Had like a million text messages, and some missed calls from my friend Jesse.
Been working everyday, it’s a pretty good deal, I’m always busy lately, and I really like that, I like staying busy.
Going over to crystal’s house this weekend, I think.
I think she wants me to bring a pizza with me.
Might pick up some popcorn or something.
Going insane.
Couldn’t stop eating all weekend. Finally managed to pull it together yesterday.
Gonna try to keep my caloric intake pretty low today.
Under 500 or so.
Ate a graham cracker for breakfast, and a few sips of milk, total-55 calories
Gonna eat some yogurt here in about an hour-total 110 calories
Maybe a cup of peaches-45 calories
Because id like to eat a grilled chicken salad for lunch, total-200 calories
Have baby carrots and half of a pickle in my bag, so I might stop at either Red Top or Whataburger and grab a salad.
Red Tops Chicken is less greasy,
So I might just do that.
My plan for today:
7:00: graham cracker-55
11:15 am: yogurt, diet coke-110
1:30 pm: grilled chicken salad? Half a pickle, serving of baby carrots, diet coke- 280
5:00 pm: half can of soup, diet coke- 60
Daily total- 505
From 6 pm to 10 pm : work
Walk to and from work
Walk to the store after work
1000 jumping jacks (to get my heart rate up)
Maybe jog a few laps around the courtyard outside
Clean out car
If I get hungry after work, I’ll eat that cup of peaches and chew on some cinnamon gum.
Learned that it really helps the cravings, and makes it a hell of a lot easier to go without food.
My cinnamon gum, water, diet coke, and cigarettes are now my best friends.
That reminds me, I do need some more gum for tomorrow.
And I need to go and pay my cell phone bill.
Last night, after I got off of work (yesterdays food intake, a grilled chicken sandwich, extra pickles, easy mayo, and a taco) I had so much energy! I walked to the store, took trash back and forth to the dumpster about 3 times, swept and mopped the kitchen, danced a little, washed some clothes, and moved around a lot.
Felt really good about it.
Today will be even better
I know it will because I believe in myself.
I just have to retrain myself to go without so much food.
I’ll just have to restrict so much that my stomach cant take much more.
And if im really good this week, keep my caloric intake low.
And don’t eat anything all day before I go to crystal’s house.
I’ll allow myself some pizza and popcorn.
So then I have something to look forward to.
Think im gonna rent saw 5 and take it over there.
Cant wait to get another paycheck!!
This one should be pretty big.
Like…close to 400
But I have to wait until the fifth!
My eye really itches, but I don’t want to scratch because I look cute today and I don’t want to ruin it.
Spent a while putting on my eyeliner, and straightening my bangs and curling the rest of my hair, teasing it to curliness, and picking out a cute outfit
Black long-sleeved t-shirt
Kind of boot-cut, skinny jean type things with double cuffs and black converse.
Was driving this morning, and I was in the left hand turn lane, and the guy driving past me was so busy checking me out that he was hardly driving!!
Boosted my ego a little. Haha.
So I have 192 dollars, and 60 of it has to go to my cell phone bill
10 in gas
And I still owe my mom dinner
But I think I’ll be giving her a rain check on that
Im going to make her wait until I have some money saved up to start paying her back.
Id like to have something to fall back on just in case this job doesn’t work out in the long run.
Figured I’d put the entirety of my paychecks into my savings account.
Transfer 10 or 20 into my checking,
And use that for my spending money to buy stuff at work and what have you .
Of course, I’ll still be draining my savings to buy things like food and cigarettes during school hours, like I always have.
But still…
Gonna try to build my savings back up.
And then start paying my mom. I get a paycheck on the 5th and 20th of each month.
Im working 6 days a week, and so…
We’ll say….what like….12 out of 15, say an average of 5 hours a day, minus one or two days….
Should have enough to pay back my mom in a few months.
Lots of math going on here today…
Have a wonderful day everyone!

update- took 7 relacores today and 2 ibprofen
downed with diet coke.
think it'll help me any?
me and my friend jessica are going on a diet together!

Friday, January 23, 2009

im a fat cow.

so i got hungry last night.
oh god did i get hungry.
double bacon cheeseburger on texas toast, grilled onions, a large french fry with ketchup, and a 44 oz diet coke.
i ate it all, even though i wasnt really hungry after about the first 4 bites.
i ate and ate and ate and ate and kept eating.
and there was absoloutely no purge afterwards.
my stomach is bloated and uncomfortable even the next day.
but the good news is i probably wont be hungry for anything all day today.
still havent gotten a chance to talk to dylon. dont know what im going to do.
to answer Jenna's question, not me anymore, but it used to be.
and what i will be again.
right now im a fat disgusting cow.
will update later.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

thinspiration for you all.


think i might go call dylon and talk to him for a few minutes.
i feel like i have to let him go.
even though i really dont want to .
im going to miss him so much!
hopefully he will be there.
im going to miss him.

thinsporation. my favorite thinspo pic

the anorexic stop sign

2 weeks.

god im such a fat ass. yesterday i binged all day!
i ate the soup, and then went and got a snack wrap with extra lettuce and grilled chicken around am, downed a diet coke, and was fine until lunch, when i ate some spaghetti, a roll, and brocolli, then, after school, at work, i ate a ham sandwich with lettuce, tomato, and pickle, and then when i got home, i drank some broth.
today, so far, ive had a ham egg and cheese biscuit, some milk, and 50 calories of juice. i'll skip lunch, go straight to work after school, and wait until i get home to mix some of the broth in the pantry with some of the broth in the fridge, and heat it up for dinner. maybe ill throw in some boiled veggies or something.
tomorrow, i hope to keep breakfast down to maybe a graham cracker, and maybe some milk and juice. i feel bad about not eating breakfast because i know that it makes everything work better in there.
so i always eat breakfast.
anyway, so ill eat the graham cracker for breakfast, skip lunch, and eat at home, maybe a lean cuisine, something small, maybe a plate of veggies, i dunno. just enough so i can sleep.
wish i wasnt so fat and disgusting.
dylon update: ok, so he's packing to leave for Pana, Illinois. to live with his grandma and look for work before college. he's leaving me. i wont speak to him, i dont even know if were still technically "together" anymore. considering the fact that we havent said a word to each other all day. i hate that he's leaving me, when he called me yesterday, he was sniffling and about to cry. saying that he's never been so afraid to lose someone. i dont think he knows that he's one of the main reasons for my ed. him and myself that is. i love him more than ive ever loved anyone. but i dont know if i can suffer through a long distance relationship. to answer the question can i just go with him, i dont think so. i have so much here, my mom is sick, and theres school, and work, and my friends and family. why move 800 (actually its 794, i googled it) miles away to be with a guy who thinks i talk too much? i mean,i know i do and everything, but hes supposed to be my boyfriend. the truth is, i have something for him for before he leaves. i went to this little shop a few towns over and bought some lingere. and i'll even go out and eat with him, if he wants me to. he leaves in 2 weeks! that's just not long enough. why does god hate me? how come every time i find someone i love, god takes them away? why do i have to starve myself to be skinny? why cant i eat like a normal person?
life sucks.
i guess ill just have to suck it up right?
more in just a little while.
love you all