just another thursday?...or is it only wednsday?

hmmm...
anywho....
havent eaten anything yet today, but i am getting hungry...should i eat? or just leave it as is?
i dont even know anymore...
im between who i was and who i want to be.
i know i dont want to be who i was.
ever ever again.
i will literally kill myself before i get that fat again.
i was walking with my ex girlfriend in the hallway about an hour ago, and i was squeezing the fat rolls on my stomach.
she looked at me and said "what are you doing? you're not squeezing anything, there's hardly anything there to squeeze"
and then she tickled me.
lmao.
anyway, so...my mom agreed to go to the hospital last night. we're setting up an appointment for next tuesday.
because im off of school.
but she says that before we do that im going to have to help her take a bath.
and yesterday i had to empty out the bucket that she pees in because she cant stand up long enough to walk to the bathroom.
shes not even 53 yet.
why do things like this happen to such young people?
things like this are the reasons why my belief in god is very...tested.
im not sure what to believe in anymore.
anyway,
i want to thank all of my lovely followers that have taken the time out of their days to comment me, it means more than you know at this point in my life. i greatly appreciate it.
i love you all
i bid thee farewell
until it be morrow
mwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear<3

overweight...

sitting in art class, listening to blue october, and waiting for the day to be over. think im might stop off for lunch somewhere here within the next few hours....or just go get a pack of cigarettes or something. i really could use a cigarette.
im getting my nose pierced here within the next couple of days.
im gonna have the whole artsy, drug addict, eating disordered, kind of painter thing going for me.
i think dylon really likes that.
i told him that i have a thing for skinny guys with bags under their eyes.
he said "guess what, sweetie, you found one!"
lmao.
we had this...amazing phone sex, it was almost like we were...really together....i could really feel him inside of me. i could really feel his hands on my hips...squeezing...touching....holding...sweating....mhmm.....
i fall in love with him a little more every night.
i really dont know what i would do without him...
we were talking about names last night.
i was talking about how if i change my first name, then i wouldnt be "amybear" anymore. and he said that i would always be his amybear.
and then he said "maybe one day...maybe one day...you'll be amybear Beeson..."
Beeson is Dylon's last name...
it would be a dream come true to have dylon's last name...
anywho....ive still been eating like a cow.
and i need somebody's motivation, somebody's help...
if anyone can or wants to help me, it would be amazing.
anywho...
i think im done posting for now.
think thin!!
mwuah!!!
xoxoxo
amybear<3

going a little crazy...

here's a post from 2/20



Okay,
Ya’ll have been posting like crazy all day. I’ve been trying to go through and read all of your blogs and everything so that at least I can comment.
Im trying to find the time between art, dylon, work, school, and school work.
My life is so hectic right now, and dylon is demanding so much of my time it’s ridiculous.
We’re trying to fix things.
Okay…
So it’s now 10:43 a.m. on Friday, February 20, and I haven’t eaten since 6:15 yesterday evening.
I’m starting to get hungry…
Maybe I like this feeling.
Anywhoooo.
Been working like crazy on my art. Pushing out one piece after another.
Ive finished and matted 3 in the past 2 days.
Yay!!
I think that throwing myself into my art makes it easier to not think about food.
Im a diet pill junkie.
And I never thought that I would be that way,
Like…If I didn’t have my bottle of hydroxycut, I think I might go crazy.
I wanted to change that
Or at least I thought I did
But I really don’t think that I do.
I mean, it’s something that I do, something that I like doing.
I like adrenaline high I get off of taking them…
Like…my heart is pounding, my head is racing, and I have these bursts of energy.
Not to mention, the thought of food makes me want to throw up.
Im getting fat again.
And I don’t like it
Not one bit
Haven’t weighed myself in a while.
Going to go get a maximum strength colon cleanser.
And spend the entire weekend on the toilet.
Maybe it’ll help me lose!!
Lol.
Anyone have any suggestions for quick weight loss supplements that I can look into?
Need to look good for next weekend.
Lemme know.
Love you all to death.
Xoxoxo
Mwuah!
Amybear<3

"the time has come the walrus said, to talk of many things. of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings, and why the sea is boiling hot,

-and whether pigs have wings."




art competition was on saturday.
visual arts scholastic event.
or VASE.
i think i did pretty well.
anywho...
never saw so many amazing looking asian kids in one place.
amazing bodies
amazing hair
amazing teeth
amazing skin.
it makes me so jealous.
ugh.
anywho...
been eating like a cow
and after this class, im going to go to the bank, head to burger king, and get a grilled chicken sandwich, an order of fries, and a diet coke...and i still have half of one of those really big candy bars.
any one know how i can just...stop.
i cant stop EATING
i feel like a pig.
like a whale.
like something big...and covered in fat.
something blubber-y
im disgusted with myself.
i make myself sick.
think im going to get back on the diet pills.
they make me feel so much better about myself.

detox...

awwww, thank you sophia, for calling me pretty =)
im sick today, detoxing myself from the diet pills, the cocaine, the weed, the liquor, and the numerous other pills i used to medicate myself with.
im done with all of that.
the only problem are all of the side effects from the detox.
my constant moving,
my spiders,
my mind moves at a million miles an hour.
and i felt like i couldnt breathe last night.
it was crazy...
i called dylon, and he just told me to calm down, and helped me get my mind off of it.
we had amazing phone sex.
and then had more amazing phone sex...
and then we were all cute and nerdy and dorky for a while.
i really love him.
we're adorable.
anywho...
since im detoxing, i feel like im hungry all the time,
although...
my body looks soooo much healthier and better.
my hipbones kind of poke out
my ribs are becoming more and more apparent.
and the zits are gone.
almost...
anywho...thank you for wishing me luck!
love you all
stay strong, think thin
xoxoxo
mwuah!
amybear<3

"last night was a mess"

my new painting...
it's called "last night was a mess"
its yellow, and brown, and...well... a mess.
its covered in candle wax,
and it's actually pretty good.
gotten a few compliments on it.
anyway
ate pizza at 5 last night, and it's now almost 11:30 and i havent eaten again yet,
been spending a lot of time talking to dylon
i miss him
anyway, big art competition on saturday!!!!!
wish me luck!!!
love you all!!!
oh...and happy birthday, laura!
have a great one.

making mistakes and cleaning up messes.

last night...was


bad.
that's all i have to say.
something happened.
i had been so good all day.
had eaten a small lunch, and wasnt even all that hungry.



and then i got home.
and all of a sudden...
i let my mom get to me.


i dont know if ive talked much about how sick my mom is.
mainly because i dont like to talk about it.
she's gained about 100 pounds in fluid all over her body, and she doesnt do anything at all.
she cant even move without breathing hard.
well...it's getting to where she cant get to the bathroom as easily as she used to be able to.
so she...had an accident.


i spent a couple of hours cleaning it up.
and crying.
i went to the store...and i bought three of these 8 packs of fun sized candy bars
i sat in my car...
and i ate all 24 of them.
i sat in my car, and ate 3000 calories worth of chocolate, listened to seconhand serenade, smoked, and cried like a pathetic loser.
and then dylon called exactly at 9 (as soon as he got free minutes)
because i had been texting him.
telling him everything.
i had to.


i almost made the mistake of breaking up with him last night
"im going to be here for you...forever...amy...im never going to leave you alone"

off and on the wagon

sorry i havent been blogging as much lately. been spending a lot of time these last few days trying to keep my life from falling off it's hinges.
this whole art thing,
and dylon
and then there's the rest of my classes that i may or may not be failing.
but im really trying lately.
im not cheating on dylon anymore
and my art teacher is making me eat.
she buys me lunch, and we eat together, we've grown really close these past few days
and ive been losing weight like crazy.
like...10 lbs in the past two weeks.
i think it's a mix of diet pills and stress.
ok well, please comment me!
i could really use the support right now.
been off and on the wagon
so i could definately use a friend.
mwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear

side effects

i think that the hydroxycut ive been taking is starting to do something to me.
i took four this morning, and didnt eat any breakfast...ive got spiders, and im shaking, and i cant seem to sit still...everything is moving at a million miles a minute...my heart feels like its stopped beating...and i really need a cigarette...i need to eat...i need water....oh my god this must be what dying is like.

...and it's only tuesday...

okay, so here's my post from yesterday:

2/10/09

Okay…
So the weekend was uneventful. Trying to get back on track with my eating. Have lost four pounds in the past 3 weeks though, so I’m pretty happy about that. Been working and going to school. Spent a lot of the weekend talking to Dylon on the phone. I was so sure that we were close to our end after he told me about Eric, and after we had those arguments, seriously, this whole past week, we were arguing and fighting about just little stupid shit, not even anything serious. I skipped all day on Friday, and we went to see that movie “The Uninvited” anyone looking for some kind of thinspiration should definitely check that movie out. Not to mention it’s pretty amazing. I was shocked at the end. Got into a pretty physical fight with my mom yesterday, but I guess we’re okay now. I have a lump or something on the back of my arm, two bruises on my right wrist, and some scratches on my face, neck and hands. (she should really think about clipping those nails).
Today, so far, I haven’t eaten anything, but I’m thinking I might go get a rice bowl, or something.
Oh! I almost forgot. Campbell’s Select Harvest has this Light soup, it’s only 50 calories a serving, and it’s pretty good. The southwestern style vegetable is my favorite.
I’ve been surviving off of this stuff
My weekend went like this
12:30- wake up, call dylon (because by the time I woke up I had already missed his call 5 or 6 times)
Talk to dylon for a couple of hours, maybe 3, lay in bed and pretty much do nothing.
3:30- eat one half can of soup, and a piece of 45 calorie bread, toasted (total: 95 calories!)
4:00- get ready for work
5:00-10:00-work
Immediately after work I call Dylon, and even last night we were on the phone until 2:30 a.m. when I get home I eat the other half can of soup, and one more piece of toast.
Daily caloric intake- 190 (that’s with NO snacking, and eating two entire meals a day!)
Also, I’m now spending an average of…7 hours a day on the phone on any given weekend, and around 4 hours a day during the school week.
That’s over 30 hours a week!
If I could get paid for that, I could make an amazing living.
Anyway,
I think I’m done for today, but I will keep you all posted and updated.
I know that I haven’t been posting as often, and I know that my posts are becoming less and less about food, but the truth is, I’m so ashamed of eating like a cow that I don’t want you all to have to read it. But I do appreciate you all being here for me, and commenting me. I love you all dearly!
Stay strong ladies!!!
Mwuah!
Xoxoxoxoxox
Amybear <3


today, so far, i haven't eaten anything.
unless you count the vegan grilled cheese dipped in my magic soup i ate about 2:30-3:00 this morning.
so it's been about 7 hours since my last meal.
took 3 hydroxycut (cant remember how to spell it) this morning and my metabolism is raging and very angry that i havent fed myself yet.
i probably would have, had i not woken up almost an hour late this morning.
we'll blame my mom for that.
smoked a cigarette, took those pills, and drank a diet coke with some lime juice in it this morning.
was taking pictures of myself in the mirrior in my bathroom yesterday to send to dylon.
because now that he's so far away, i figured he deserves it.
before i finish what i was about to tell you all, i want to go back to about...eh....5 months ago.
im standing in front of the same mirrior in my bathroom that i was standing in front of last night, holding the same cell phone with the same camera, even wearing the same damn clothes. same beatles shirt, faded blue jeans, and black leather dickies belt.
the shirt was tight,
the jeans were tight,
the belt was 10 notches away from being too small.
i stood in front of that mirrior last night, and had to hold the shirt in the back to get the same look as i had in that shirt 5 months ago.
to get it to look tight.
the jeans now have almost 5 inches of empty space in them.
and the belt is 22 (i just counted) notches away from the end.
i sent the picture of the chubbier version of me to dylon, and then a picture of the new and improved dylon...
and for the first time since ive started all of this...
ive really SEEN the difference.
and...it makes it all worth it.
Dylon even said that he thinks my body is sexy.
that he loves my hips, and my stomach.
and he wants a picture of my stomach...
im hungry.
okay everyone
that's all for now!
stay strong everyone!!!
mwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear <3

"why do you starve yourself?"

dylon and i have been having trust issues since he left.
which i dont guess is abnormal or anything, considering the fact that he now resides 800 miles away.
i got really dizzy at work yesterday, and almost passed out.
when i told dylon, he asked what i thought was wrong, and i said that i may have just forgotten to eat.
he said alright, but my concience (spelling???) was still on my ass about it.
so i told him about how ive been abusing diet pills. and i told him about how i have been intentionally starving myself for months now, and i told him about how i feel inferior to him.
and he cried.
and then we just had this conversation where everything came out.
he talked about something he did over the summer.
before we actually got together.
he told me about a cocaine habit that he had.
i asked him how many times he did it, and he said "i dunno...maybe 8, maybe 10, maybe 12"
i asked him "who did you do this with?"
and he asked "did i ever tell you about Eric?"
i shook my head, even though he couldnt see me.
"No"
Dylon took a deep breath, and sighed a little, and was silent for second.
"Eric was the only guy i have ever had sex with, in my entire life."
i wont lie, i was shocked, disgusted, and turned on all at the same time.
i mean, i stick my fingers down my throat and make myself throw up when i think that i have eaten too much, so who am i to judge, not to mention, i was in love with my ex girlfriend.
i sighed, and asked "how many times did you do it?"
he said "i can think of about 5 times, but it's more of the reason of why i did it. to get the cocaine more or less, but i wont say i didnt enjoy it."
my boyfriend had sex with another guy, and he liked it.
how am i supposed to feel about that? how am i supposed to react? what the hell am i supposed to say?
i just wanted to hold him.
i had never felt so close to someone as i had with him at that moment.
"Why do you starve yourself?" he asked, after he had finished telling me about all of this
then it was my turn to be silent.
i opened my mouth..."to be perfect for you."
so here we are, the girl with the eating disorder who abuses diet pills, and the binge drinking, recovering cocaine/pill addict.
but i like to think were more than just that.
im an artist, and he is so passionate about so many things.
he's so smart, and wise beyond his years.
and we find it in our hearts to care about each other.
and im in love with him.
for real this time.
and it feels like im floating on air.

just chililn

ate the biggest burrito ive ever eaten at lunch.
it was amazing
and the only thing i will be eating today
im such a fat ass
i dont even deserve to live

hungry...

2/2/09

Had a fairly interesting weekend.
Filled it with chicken nuggets, steak fingers, French fries, and hot fudge sundaes.
But im back on my wagon today.
And even though ive been eating like there’s no tomorrow, my stomach still looks flatter
My birthday is coming up in about a month, I will be 18!
Dylon and I have been talking all weekend.
Since Saturday night we have been on the phone almost constantly.
And we have been having phone sex like crazy.
But Saturday night I did something bad…
Yeah, that’s right. I cheated.
With this guy that I work with, who also happens to live in my apartment complex.
He invited me over after work Saturday, and it just…happened.
And I feel really bad about it.
But I don’t know what to say, I mean, I didn’t tell dylon.
I love dylon.
I don’t know why I did it.
I got…amorous.
I don’t really know though.
I know that I love dylon, and I know that I want to be with him forever, but were just going through a hard time right now, right? And it will be better once we are actually “together” again.
So ive been eating.
I might actually give myself one more day of eating before I go hardcore.
Because more than anything I want a taco salad, with nacho cheese, and chips…mmmmm…oh god. Yes, I think I might just do that.
Anyway.
Enough about food.
I feel bad because I am a slut.
Anyone know any ways to…uh…retighten…uh…things…uh…down there?
I don’t want to be loose!