Monday, December 29, 2008

the helladays.

hello everyone,
i hope your holidays went okay.
mine went alright besides some of the drinking i did the other night.
we didnt even do anything for christmas
no presents or awkward christmas dinner
good for me though.
anyway
i want to thank everyone for their support
if anyone wants to get in touch with me,
just send an email to rainbowsanddaisies@yahoo.com
dont hesitate!
love you all dearly.
hoping you all have an amazing new year1
mwuah!

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

thank you for all of your support!!

sitting here.
at the library hoping no one is looking over my shoulder,
just want to thank you all for your support.
fell off my wagon and felt like shit for a couple of days.
but im back on now.
i looked at myself in the mirrior today and smiled for the first time in forever...
and i smiled.
i can feel hipbones,
and my face is so much thinner,
im so sick of being the one with the chubby cheeks.
im not that girl anymore.
and i owe it all to ana.
i ate an apple with about a tablespoon of peanutbutter today.
so that i would have the energy to walk here
its a pretty long walk.
been smoking cigarettes and drinking water to control my cravings.
i feel amazing and...clean today
i love it.
i can feel my stomach getting flatter, and my ribcage starting to show a little.
this is an amazing feeling.
people look when i walk past them
and i like that.
my boyfriend smiled when i was walking around in my bra this morning, looking for a shirt to go with my pants
i turned to him "what's that big smile for?"
he shrugged his shoulders..."nothing. i was just thinking that i have the most beautiful girlfriend in the entire world."
he was definately rewarded for that compliment.
i hear sex burns calories anyway.
hee hee.
im finally happy for the first time since i can remember
why would i screw it up by eating?

Saturday, December 20, 2008

some thinspo







ok. so this is how it goes.

i stayed at crystals last night.
and we drove to houston to party. but the whole night all she did was complain.
yeah, i understand that her family is getting evicted, but even SHE said that she
wasnt going to let that get in the way of her having a good time.
so it completely sucked.
we went back to her house 2 hours earlier than expected, and i fell asleep.
i did pretty damn good yesterday
i had the yogurt- 50 cals
and then i had about 6 bottles of water
i split a salad with crystal (i gave her all of the chicken, the tomatoes, and the dressing.)
and at about 6 i ate one of those fresco bowls from taco bell, half of it was only about 150 calories
not to mention a diet coke.
i really felt like i wanted to throw up after we left taco bell, but because it would have invlolved sticking my fingers down my throat, i couldnt.
didnt want crystal to see anything.
but i made up for it today.
there was a binge of some leftover chinese, followed by a brownie, and a diet coke.
the rest is history.
not to mention i walked to the library and back (about a mile either way)
and will be walking to the store later.
im not sure how often i will be posting during christmas vacation, but i promise that it will be back up to every day once school starts again.
i wouldnt want to let everyone down now would i? =)
im planning on just steering clear of food for the rest of the day.
i will be water fasting for three days come monday, wish me luck!!!
i can feel it coming off, someone told me yesterday that i was adorable.
makes you feel good.
i talked to my boyfriend last night about my "diet" and he was all "Amy, i dont want you to think that just because im really tall and skinny, you have to be like me, i love you no matter what." he also managed to throw in there that "if i wanted to lose weight, he wasnt going to stop me"
dylon is 6 feet, 4 inches, and weighs 150 pounds
and im not supposed to compete with that.
i love him though, hes an amazing person.
im inviting anyone reading this to follow me,
i could use a support net.
just to keep me going when it's really hard, ya know?
so just click the little button!!!
comment me if you want, i always love reading what you have to say!
oh, and thanks for the advice and support on my last post.
love you all
i bid the farewell for now.
AmyBear

Friday, December 19, 2008

feeling proud of something i should be ashamed of...maybe.

i dont feel disgusted.
i had a bad eating day.
i had a sandwich, and some other stuff, so when i got home, i had my first successful purge in the
shower. i was happy about it.
i felt...clean inside.
like it didnt even really matter anymore.
i felt like everything was going to be ok.
it was....comforting.
i now have a dirty secret.
it was sad because i was proud of it, and there was no one to tell.
you cant just pick up your cell phone and say "hey, i just threw up, congratulate me."
uh...no.
i wish i had a pro ed friend =(
on a happier note, today, all ive had is two bottles of water, and a few bites of yogurt at breakfast yay for me. hee hee.
im going to try to keep the trend going today, im going to drink another bottle of water.
and maybe eat half a salad at lunch or something.
i might see if i cant purge up something after school.
no matter how little i eat, i still feel full.
i really want to get rid of it.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

hunger pains?

i skipped my economics final.
i was having these teribble period cramps.
so im pretty proud of myself as of yesterday.
ive been trying to keep it under 700 calories a day
and i think im doing pretty well
as long as i stick to baby carrots and water for the rest of the day i should be ok
i ate a sammich this morning-250
milk-100
and juice-50
400 calories right there
and then i ate a poptart to make crystal happy.
but i skipped dinner last night, and filled up on water and cigarettes, so im doing good
ill do the same tonight.
i think i might do yogurt and half an apple for breakfast tomorrow, and maybe a salad for lunch, and skip dinner,
i have to make up for lost time.
im going to buy a scale today!!!
im really excited.
wish me luck!!



on another subject
im done with adam.
hes been screwing around on me with another friend of his sisters
i cant believe that i was going to leave my boyfriend for him!
god im such an idiot when it comes to guys.
what a douche.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

pefection.

sitting here at this "celebration" for the special ed kids in this art class,
they have all of the crap im not allowed.
cookies, cake, chips, and lots of soda and other crap
i ate an animal cracker
i binged on chocolate earlier
i have to go home, drink some water, and try to purge in the shower.
going to be perfect one day.
my ribs will show.

writing a letter...

im writing a letter to dylon, ive got about 8 pages so far.
i havent talked to adam lately, im hoping he comes around.
all ive eaten today is a sausage, pancake on a stick thingy, some juice, and a few drinks of milk.
i cant wait until my side stops hurting so i can start working out again.
i think it may be my appendix
i need to buy a scale soon.
im staying after for art class today until 7.
is it sad that now, when i know that food is going to be in a situation, i get scared?
i know that the art teacher is going to order pizza, and that scares me.
i knew that they would be throwing a party in homeroom today, and that there would be food, and they did,
i did good though.
i figured that since i'd eaten breakfast, i didnt need any of that crap that the teacher was giving out.
chips, cookies, candy, bagels with cream cheese, coke, and popcorn
all kinds of crap.
i had to keep telling myself that i would never be thin, and i would never be pretty if i ate that.
yesterday, my english teacher passed out brownies. but i held out like a good girl.
i ate a salad for lunch.
and a plate of veggies for dinner.
christmas vacation is coming up here soon.
come friday ill be out for 2 weeks,
im hoping i will be able to get away from all of this junk food, and get some water down my throat.
then there's christmas...
dear lord. im terrefied.
"eat to live, dont live to eat."
i have to keep telling myself that.
i feel really guilty, i should have just eaten the damn cereal instead of a fucking pancake thing.
i feel disgusting.
god i want to work out again, i loved the feeling of being out of breath and tired from running.
i miss that.
my plan for tomorrow:
breakfast: half an apple, and half a cup of yogurt...drink a bottle of water
lunch: grilled chicken salad 1/4 cup of low fat italian dressing, diet coke....drink a bottle of water
dinner: brocolli, baby carrots, keep it under 200 cals....drink two bottles of water before bed.

i will be trying desperately to decrease the amount of calories i eat, and increase the amount of water i drink every day.
gw1: 115
gw2: 105
ugw: 99

Monday, December 15, 2008

In what way are you a little (or more than a little) crazy?

im an artist, were all crazy in one way or another
im very ditzy and forgetful,
i dont always pay the closest attention to what i should be doing.
i like to dance
i dont mind being covered in paint
im opinionated
and grammar obsessed
im kind of a liberal
or a hippie
or whatever.
i speak my mind
and i really dont care what most people have to say.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

My Wednsday...


i went over to crystals house after school yesterday...
we hung out for a while,
sadly, i kept hoping that adam would come home. and when he didnt, we went to him.
we walked outside...and it was snowing, for the first time in more than 4 years!
everything is so much prettier covered in snow.
my mom got uber pissed at me for not calling and locked me out of the house for like...10 minutes. she hasnt said much to me at all since then.
im waiting for Adam to call again,
want him to come see me.
want to touch him.
want him to keep me warm.
im hoping something more than a one night stand will come out of this, not saying that i love him, or will ever love him, but i could definately pull a winter fling with him. holding hands, and kissing, and holding each other
why does it always have to be about sex with guys?
why cant it ever just be soft, and sweet?
i dont understand.
i like the king of one night stands, and im hoping to not turn out to be another notch in his bedpost i guess.
i really like him, and now that crystal is cool with it, i think something might happen,
he should definately stay sober more often , hes waaaay funnier when he's sober.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

How do you strive to be similar to, or different from, your parents?

i dont want to be like my mother in any way at all....
i dont want to be sick
or alone
or too tired to get out of bed
or anything like that.



lunch time yesterday...

so we went to crystal's house yesterday at lunch just like we do every day.
we were sitting in her living room as her mom left.
then it was just me, Crystal, Raymond...and Adam.
Crystal stands up "it's time to go, come on ya'll"
raymond stands up and they walk out the door.
i stay to talk to Adam
"so....what are you doing after school today?"
"nothing i dont guess."
we stand there for a minute, and he hugs me, and kisses my cheek.
the dog barks.
Adam is HER man.
he laughs, and hugs me tighter "do you like that Hershey? Do you like that?"
he kisses my cheek a few more times, because he thinks its funny to piss the really old dog off.
oh well....
i turn around
"Adam?"
i walk towards him...
he holds his arms out and holds me close
we kiss...
for a few seconds
and then i pull away quite reluctantly.
i want him so bad...

lunch time yesterday...

In what area of your life do you tend toward excess instead of moderation?

food, liquor, marijuana, my cell phone, anything that might possibly make me happy and which you're supposed to use only in moderation if at all

thank you to the "one minute writer" for the prompt

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

falling deeper and deeper in love <3

i could love you forever and i dont think that it would be long enough, i could hold you here with me until every star falls out of the sky. im in love with you too dylon.

zi and pon (jeff thomas art)






















ugh!!!

ok, so i have Dylon, right? who by the way told me that he's in love with me last night. i got goosebumbs when i heard him say it.
and then there's adam...
the one that i was making out with at the party a few weeks ago...
well, ive managed to do it again.
only i was sober
he was drunk
but he grabbed me
so i didnt initiate it
although i may have provoked it a little
just a little...
i dont know.
wont say he isnt very good looking,
maybe ill get his picture and post it within the next few days?
possibly.
he came over the other night, and we did some stuff that totally shouldnt be done between a girls best friend and a girls brother.
i have a little school girl crush...
i know he's a self professed alcoholic.
he drinks non stop.
but hes SUCH A GOOD KISSER.
what the hell is wrong with me?
one day i have no decisions, and the next day, i have to choose what to do between my boyfriend and the older brother of my best friend.
i live in a soap opera.
"girl meets boy, boy turns out to be best friends brother, girl gets drunk, makes out with boy...twice...okay, more than twice, more like 10 or 11 times...girl remembers she has a boyfriend that she loves with all of her heart."
tune in next week for another exciting edition of ..... "waaaay too young to be screwing a 22 year old."


the crazy thing is that i talked to crystal about it. and she says she really doesnt mind.
granted, i didnt tell her the whole thing.
just that her brother called me, and some of the stuff that he told me,
like im cute as a button,
and some of the more innocent stuff.
not anything like "i want to throw you down and cover you in sweet kisses."
he did say that, by the way.

Monday, December 1, 2008

where'd the "e" come from in kurt cobain? i dunno...but it wasnt right.

Kurt Cobaine




i hate thanksgiving...holidays in general actually.

we actually went to IHOP for thanksgiving dinner, dont feel bad for me, i dont feel bad for myself. i got a huge omelet covered in cheese, and me and my mom sat and talked and the waitress was really nice. that night me and mark were ok. he was telling me that i was his best friend, and that he loved me, but then he said something about maybe taking things a little further with ashely, the nanny he's been trying to get with since he hired her, and i got jealous. i screwed up and told him how i really feel and yesterday he said that he doesnt know if he'll ever talk to me again. he said that he thinks it feels like the right thing to do. he says that he thinks that we need space away from each other. i hope he doesnt mean forever. i need my space from him, true, and it hasnt been as hard as i thought it would be to forget about it. im still in a lot of pain, and im close to tears even now that im thinking about it, but ill be ok i think. maybe we'll talk again.
until then, im going to wish him good luck with everything.
even though i kind of hate him for hurting me.
"i no longer love her, but how i loved her, how could one not have loved her great still eyes?"

Carnivores...herbivores...omnivores. Create an "___ivore"

wordivore
someone with a huge vocabulary
someone who reads the dictionary like its an epic novel.
someone who loves the english language.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

my dillybar is a sweetie. i wuv him. <3


Muse “time is running out”

I think I'm drowning
Asphyxiated
I wanna break this spell
you've created

You're something beautiful
A contradiction
I wanna play the game
I want the friction

You will be the death of me
Yeah You will be the death of me
Bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

Our time is running out
Our time is running out
You can't push it underground
You can't stop it screaming out

I wanted freedom
Bound and restricted
I tried to give you up
But I'm addicted

Now that you know I'm trapped
sense of elation
You'd never dream of
Breaking this fixation

You will squeeze the life out of me

Bury it I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

our time is running out
our time is running out
You can't push it underground
You can't stop it screaming out
How did it come to this?
ooooohh

yeah You will suck the life out of me

Bury it I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

our time is running out
our time is running out
You can't push it underground
You can't stop it screaming out
How did it come to this?
Ooooohh

oUr TiMe Is RuNnInG oUt

i text mark today, and he told me to listen to the song "our time is running out" by Muse. it seriously makes me think of him.....ill post the lyrics.
got a new shirt, it has a tree on it =)

pictures of amybear <3





























Monday, November 24, 2008

the best and the worst weekend ever

ok...so i went straight to crystals house on friday afternoon and ended up spending the night. we went to steveos house and babysat his little sisters. linsee and leslie. when we got back her totally hot older brother, Adam, was passed out from all of the alcohol in his system, on the couch. we decided to go to the convenient store and get a drink. on the way back we were stopped by a police officer. who ran a check on us, and we passed, he gave us a ride in the back of the cop car. yay!! ok...then on Saturday we went BACK to steveos, and it was me, crystal, steveo, and jazzy. we ended up going over to steveos friend Sean's house to drink. i spent 60 dollars that i didnt really have on booze. got completely fucked up. and ended up making out with this guy anthony. ugh. crystal came and saved me. and we all went outside and we were hanging out when crystals brother, adam, shows up. (his friend lives in the same apt. complex as Sean) anyway, i was sitting there, talking to a very fucked up Adam. and he grabs my face and starts kissing me. yeah...needless to say crystal was kind of mad. i ended up cheating on dylon. i screwed around, and im living with these huge hickies all over my fucking neck with no way to cover them up, no way to make them go away. i get really skanky when ive been drinking i guess. im really disgusted with myself.

Friday, November 21, 2008

A new Broadway musical is about your life. Come up with a title for the big show, and write a mini-review of it.

"Not Alone" is a riviting story of a young girl and her struggle with life.
drugs, sex, rock and role...and plenty of blood and metal.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Listen. Write about what you hear, right now.

the clearing of a throat...the squeaking of a computer chair...dozens of computer keys click click clicking...the tap of an angsty foot in a clunky shoe tapping onto the side of a metal desk...a mouse clicking as the kid in front of me plays solitaire. coughing...someone sniffling...the scratching of fingernails against skin...an itchy problem. a sigh of boredom. tap tap tap go the keys....


thanks for the prompt "one minute writer"!!!

Monday, November 17, 2008

Write about something interesting that happened this weekend

hmmm....well, nothing really interesting happened this weekend. yesterday i went to crystals house, and her brother went to the store with us. he called shotgun, i drove, and he sat and talked to me. hes goregous...

Thursday, November 13, 2008

What modern technology would you have trouble living without?

my cell phone!!!
i swear, since ive lost my job, the thing NEVER leaves my hand. im texting, talking, or on the internet. i definatelt couldnt live with my kyocera lingo.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

a million quotes by uncle oscar all jumbled together, so many of them make me think of mark "a gentleman never hurts a person unintentionally" ?

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing. Oscar Wilde A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world. Oscar Wilde A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally. Oscar Wilde A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal. Oscar Wilde A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he does not love her. Oscar Wilde A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies. Oscar Wilde A man who does not think for himself does not think at all. Oscar Wilde A man's face is his autobiography. A woman's face is her work of fiction. Oscar Wilde A poet can survive everything but a misprint. Oscar Wilde A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. Oscar Wilde A true friend stabs you in the front. Oscar Wilde A work of art is the unique result of a unique temperament. Oscar Wilde Ah, well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means. Oscar Wilde Alas, I am dying beyond my means. Oscar Wilde All art is quite useless. Oscar Wilde All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling. Oscar Wilde All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling. To be natural is to be obvious, and to be obvious is to be inartistic. Oscar Wilde All that I desire to point out is the general principle that life imitates art far more than art imitates life. Oscar Wilde All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his. Oscar Wilde Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much. Oscar Wilde Ambition is the germ from which all growth of nobleness proceeds. Oscar Wilde Ambition is the last refuge of the failure. Oscar Wilde America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between. Oscar Wilde An excellent man; he has no enemies; and none of his friends like him. Oscar Wilde An idea that is not dangerous is unworthy of being called an idea at all. Oscar Wilde Anybody can be good in the country. There are no temptations there. Oscar Wilde Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone in good society holds exactly the same opinion. Oscar Wilde Arguments are to be avoided: they are always vulgar and often convincing. Oscar Wilde Art is the most intense mode of individualism that the world has known. Oscar Wilde As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied. Oscar Wilde As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. Oscar Wilde Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship. Oscar Wilde Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. Oscar Wilde Biography lends to death a new terror. Oscar Wilde By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community. Oscar Wilde Charity creates a multitude of sins. Oscar Wilde Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. Oscar Wilde Consistency is the last refuge of the unimaginative. Oscar Wilde Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative. Oscar Wilde Death and vulgarity are the only two facts in the nineteenth century that one cannot explain away. Oscar Wilde Deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance. Oscar Wilde Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people. Oscar Wilde Do you really think it is weakness that yields to temptation? I tell you that there are terrible temptations which it requires strength, strength and courage to yield to. Oscar Wilde Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. Oscar Wilde Every portrait that is painted with feeling is a portrait of the artist, not of the sitter. Oscar Wilde Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. Oscar Wilde Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching. Oscar Wilde Everything popular is wrong. Oscar Wilde Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing. Oscar Wilde Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes. Oscar Wilde Experience is the name every one gives to their mistakes. Oscar Wilde Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. Oscar Wilde Fathers should be neither seen nor heard. That is the only proper basis for family life. Oscar Wilde Hatred is blind, as well as love. Oscar Wilde He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends. Oscar Wilde How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being. Oscar Wilde How marriage ruins a man! It is as demoralizing as cigarettes, and far more expensive. Oscar Wilde I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself. Oscar Wilde I am not young enough to know everything. Oscar Wilde I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying. Oscar Wilde I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly. Oscar Wilde I can resist everything except temptation. Oscar Wilde I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect. Oscar Wilde I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters, and my enemies for their intellects. A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies. Oscar Wilde I have nothing to declare except my genuis. Oscar Wilde I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. Oscar Wilde I like persons better than principles, and I like persons with no principles better than anything else in the world. Oscar Wilde I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train. Oscar Wilde I put all my genius into my life; I put only my talent into my works. Oscar Wilde I regard the theatre as the greatest of all art forms, the most immediate way in which a human being can share with another the sense of what it is to be a human being. Oscar Wilde I see when men love women. They give them but a little of their lives. But women when they love give everything. Oscar Wilde I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. Oscar Wilde I suppose society is wonderfully delightful. To be in it is merely a bore. But to be out of it is simply a tragedy. Oscar Wilde I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability. Oscar Wilde I want my food dead. Not sick, not dying, dead. Oscar Wilde If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all. Oscar Wilde If one could only teach the English how to talk, and the Irish how to listen, society here would be quite civilized. Oscar Wilde If one plays good music, people don't listen and if one plays bad music people don't talk. Oscar Wilde If there was less sympathy in the world, there would be less trouble in the world. Oscar Wilde If you are not too long, I will wait here for you all my life. Oscar Wilde If you pretend to be good, the world takes you very seriously. If you pretend to be bad, it doesn't. Such is the astounding stupidity of optimism. Oscar Wilde Illusion is the first of all pleasures. Oscar Wilde In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane. Oscar Wilde In America the President reigns for four years, and Journalism governs forever and ever. Oscar Wilde In America the young are always ready to give to those who are older than themselves the full benefits of their inexperience. Oscar Wilde In married life three is company and two none. Oscar Wilde In modern life nothing produces such an effect as a good platitude. It makes the whole world kin. Oscar Wilde It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information. Oscar Wilde It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious. Oscar Wilde It is always the unreadable that occurs. Oscar Wilde It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But... it is better to be good than to be ugly. Oscar Wilde It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. Oscar Wilde It is only an auctioneer who can equally and impartially admire all schools of art. Oscar Wilde It is only by not paying one's bills that one can hope to live in the memory of the commercial classes. Oscar Wilde It is only the modern that ever becomes old-fashioned. Oscar Wilde It is through art, and through art only, that we can realise our perfection. Oscar Wilde It is what you read when you don't have to that determines what you will be when you can't help it. Oscar Wilde Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead. Oscar Wilde Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one. Oscar Wilde Life imitates art far more than art imitates Life. Oscar Wilde Life is far too important a thing ever to talk seriously about. Oscar Wilde Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not. Oscar Wilde Life is too important to be taken seriously. Oscar Wilde Man can believe the impossible, but man can never believe the improbable. Oscar Wilde Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. Oscar Wilde Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth. Oscar Wilde Memory... is the diary that we all carry about with us. Oscar Wilde Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance. Oscar Wilde Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed. Oscar Wilde Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess. Oscar Wilde Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike. Oscar Wilde Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation. Oscar Wilde Most people die of a sort of creeping common sense, and discover when it is too late that the only things one never regrets are one's mistakes. Oscar Wilde Mr. Henry James writes fiction as if it were a painful duty. Oscar Wilde No great artist ever sees things as they really are. If he did, he would cease to be an artist. Oscar Wilde No man is rich enough to buy back his past. Oscar Wilde No object is so beautiful that, under certain conditions, it will not look ugly. Oscar Wilde No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating. Oscar Wilde Nothing can cure the soul but the senses, just as nothing can cure the senses but the soul. Oscar Wilde Nothing is so aggravating than calmness. Oscar Wilde Now that the House of Commons is trying to become useful, it does a great deal of harm. Oscar Wilde One can survive anything these days, except death, and live down anything except a good reputation. Oscar Wilde One can survive everything, nowadays, except death, and live down everything except a good reputation. Oscar Wilde One of the many lessons that one learns in prison is, that things are what they are and will be what they will be. Oscar Wilde One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. Oscar Wilde One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards. Oscar Wilde One's past is what one is. It is the only way by which people should be judged. Oscar Wilde One's real life is so often the life that one does not lead. Oscar Wilde Only the shallow know themselves. Oscar Wilde Ordinary riches can be stolen; real riches cannot. In your soul are infinitely precious things that cannot be taken from you. Oscar Wilde Our ambition should be to rule ourselves, the true kingdom for each one of us; and true progress is to know more, and be more, and to do more. Oscar Wilde Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious. Oscar Wilde Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had merely been detected. Oscar Wilde Pessimist: One who, when he has the choice of two evils, chooses both. Oscar Wilde Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are. Oscar Wilde Quotation is a serviceable substitute for wit. Oscar Wilde Ridicule is the tribute paid to the genius by the mediocrities. Oscar Wilde Romance should never begin with sentiment. It should begin with science and end with a settlement. Oscar Wilde Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live. Oscar Wilde Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow. Oscar Wilde Society exists only as a mental concept; in the real world there are only individuals. Oscar Wilde Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. Oscar Wilde Success is a science; if you have the conditions, you get the result. Oscar Wilde The advantage of the emotions is that they lead us astray. Oscar Wilde The basis of optimism is sheer terror. Oscar Wilde The books that the world calls immoral are books that show the world its own shame. Oscar Wilde The critic has to educate the public; the artist has to educate the critic. Oscar Wilde The cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. Oscar Wilde The difference between literature and journalism is that journalism is unreadable and literature is not read. Oscar Wilde The good ended happily, and the bad unhappily. That is what fiction means. Oscar Wilde The imagination imitates. It is the critical spirit that creates. Oscar Wilde The man who can dominate a London dinner-table can dominate the world. Oscar Wilde The moment you think you understand a great work of art, it's dead for you. Oscar Wilde The old believe everything, the middle-aged suspect everything, the young know everything. Oscar Wilde The one charm about marriage is that it makes a life of deception absolutely necessary for both parties. Oscar Wilde The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself. Oscar Wilde The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it... I can resist everything but temptation. Oscar Wilde The public is wonderfully tolerant. It forgives everything except genius. Oscar Wilde The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple. Oscar Wilde The salesman knows nothing of what he is selling save that he is charging a great deal too much for it. Oscar Wilde The true mystery of the world is the visible, not the invisible. Oscar Wilde The truth is rarely pure and never simple. Oscar Wilde The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. Oscar Wilde The well bred contradict other people. The wise contradict themselves. Oscar Wilde The world has grown suspicious of anything that looks like a happily married life. Oscar Wilde The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast. Oscar Wilde The world is divided into two classes, those who believe the incredible, and those who do the improbable. Oscar Wilde There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up. Oscar Wilde There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating - people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing. Oscar Wilde There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. Oscar Wilde There is a luxury in self-reproach. When we blame ourselves we feel no one else has a right to blame us. Oscar Wilde There is always something infinitely mean about other people's tragedies. Oscar Wilde There is always something ridiculous about the emotions of people whom one has ceased to love. Oscar Wilde There is no necessity to separate the monarch from the mob; all authority is equally bad. Oscar Wilde There is no sin except stupidity. Oscar Wilde There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written, or badly written. Oscar Wilde There is nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It is a thing no married man knows anything about. Oscar Wilde There is nothing so difficult to marry as a large nose. Oscar Wilde There is only one class in the community that thinks more about money than the rich, and that is the poor. The poor can think of nothing else. Oscar Wilde There is only one thing in life worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about. Oscar Wilde There is something terribly morbid in the modern sympathy with pain. One should sympathise with the colour, the beauty, the joy of life. The less said about life's sores the better. Oscar Wilde There's nothing in the world like the devotion of a married woman. It's a thing no married man knows anything about. Oscar Wilde These days man knows the price of everything, but the value of nothing. Oscar Wilde This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last. Oscar Wilde Those whom the gods love grow young. Oscar Wilde To expect the unexpected shows a thoroughly modern intellect. Oscar Wilde To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness. Oscar Wilde To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. Oscar Wilde True friends stab you in the front. Oscar Wilde We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. Oscar Wilde What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing. Oscar Wilde What we have to do, what at any rate it is our duty to do, is to revive the old art of Lying. Oscar Wilde When a man has once loved a woman he will do anything for her except continue to love her. Oscar Wilde When good Americans die they go to Paris. Oscar Wilde When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is. Oscar Wilde When the gods wish to punish us they answer our prayers. Oscar Wilde Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives. Oscar Wilde Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. Oscar Wilde While we look to the dramatist to give romance to realism, we ask of the actor to give realism to romance. Oscar Wilde Who, being loved, is poor? Oscar Wilde Why was I born with such contemporaries? Oscar Wilde Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat. Oscar Wilde Women are made to be loved, not understood. Oscar Wilde Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes. Oscar Wilde Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the two sexes. Oscar Wilde Women love us for our defects. If we have enough of them, they will forgive us everything, even our gigantic intellects. Oscar Wilde Work is the curse of the drinking classes. Oscar Wilde

If you had the opportunity to write as a career, what would you write?

(thank you in advance to the "one minute writer" for the prompt!)

i would write books. i would be a published author living off of the income from my literature. i would write about real life stuff. teenage pregnancy, drug abuse, marriage, kids, eating disorders, all of that completely infatuates me. ive written a book, and im hoping to get it published as a book for young teens. its called "battlescars" and its all about this girl Skye's teenage life.as a freshman in high school she falls in love with a senior named Reyes, who has his own apartment, and car. she ends up pregnant, and the book is mainly about their life together, during her pregnancy and up until the baby is about 3. Skye has a little girl, and names her Annabell. Reyes' behavior towards Skye becomes mean and abusive. he starts to hit her. all the while reyes is cheating on skye with skye's slutty best friend, Nina. eventually, into skye's senior year of high school, she meets a guy named Rick. Rick lives alone in an apartment, drives a nice car, comes from a well-off family, has a steady job. he saves Skye and Annabell from Reyes. he opens his home to them one night after a particularly rough fight with Reyes, and eventually Skye and Annabell just sort of become a fixture in Rick's life.

its a good book =) im very proud of it.
maybe one day i can write another one, and possibly become the writer ive always wanted to be.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

what is...?

What is something you dislike about yourself? my weight
What is something you do well? write
What is your favourite room in your home and why? my bedroom, theres a whole paragraph on here somewhere about that
What is a good neighbour? someone QUIET
What is the worst thing parents can do to their children? not teach them everything they know
What is your favourite time of day? about....2pm
What is your idea of a dull evening? hmmm....sitting at someone else's house and doing nothing
What is the best way to treat meddlesome people? ignore them
What is something you are optimistic about? the fact that life will eventually be ok
What is something you are pessimistic about? i try to stay optimistic
What is your most indispensable possession and why? my art collection...it means a lot to me
What is the meaning of "He laughs best who laughs last"? i dont know...
What is your favourite song and why? i have many...i like "iris" by the goo goo dolls
What is the best birthday present you ever received? hmmm...houseshoes
What is the best birthday present you could receive? a big birthday card signed by all of my friends and family...one of the home made ones out of a big poster board
What is something that makes you feel sad? global warming
What is your favourite book and why? the great gatsby...it reminds me of mark
What is something that really bugs you? people who say they'll call and then dont
What is something that really makes you angry? when no one will let me talk, or im being talked over
What is the best advice you ever received? "to be yourself in a world which is trying its hardest day and night to make you everyone else, is to fight the hardest battle known to man, and to never stop fighting."
What is your favourite holiday? What makes this holiday special? thanksgiving, me and my mom always do something, just me and her, and it's always fun.
What is your favourite day of the week? saturday...nothing to do during the day, and a graveyard shift at night...its cool.
What is your favourite month? Why? march...my birthday!!!

what do you love or hate about cooking?

i love the smell, and the way it makes the whole house warm
i hate waiting.
i love the feeling of accomplishment afterwards.


(this and all other writing prompts provided by "the one minute writer" thank you!)

Tomorrow morning you can wake up with a superpower of your choice. What is it?

i would be able to control time. woke up 2 hours late? turn back time...
want the extra sleep? freeze time and get it.
leave time frozen for 8 or 9 hours if you want to...
while you catch up on your beauty rest.
reeeeally liked lunch? rewind, and eat it again.
hate algebra class? fast forward through it.
dont want to work? fast forward through that too.
you still get paid for the same hours...
i would totally be the controller of time.

What pair of shoes in your closet best represents who you are?

my plain black and white converse. overlooked and comfortable.
theyre all old and reliable
just like me...
reliablel ol amy.
ugh.
but i love the shoes!

You have two hours to do something relaxing, and a budget of $100. What will you do?

mani-pedi
i dont do very many of those!
maybe...an eyebrow waxing, and a quick lunch.

"i know the world is cold and decieving, but ill keep my head up like my nose is bleeding" -lil wayne

Write about a war veteran you have known of, or known personally.

i didnt know him personally, but my papi roy was part of the korean war. from what i hear he was an amazing man.
i think he was a drug addict...
and my grandma hated him...
but my grandma hates everyone.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Where is your favorite place in your home?

being 17, id have to say that my favorite place in my home would have to be my bedroom. in my room, i can lay under my heating pad, watch a movie on my Polaroid HDTV, paint, write, or staple crap to my walls, i can listen to music on my stereo, talk on my phone (even if the conversation isnt "appropriate") with Dylon, Mark, or Crystal. i can lay there, think, and be...Amy. i can cry, or laugh, or dance, or walk around naked, i can be sad, or happy, or crazy, or mad, i can curse, and smoke, and make a mess (as long as i clean up)
and the best part?
my mom is too afraid to come in.
its the one room in my tiny little apartment that my mom has never entered (besides my bathroom, which is connected to the room) im thinking about getting a tiny fridge to go in it actually, and filling it with bottled water, slim fast, milk and cereal, baby carrots, apple slices, and graham crackers =)

(like always, prompt provided by "the one minute writer")

Describe the first pet you remember having, if youve never had one, what would you like?

i had a cat, it was actually a kitten, we had named her Chewy Mashed Potatoes and Gravy...
thats right.
ew.
i want a big, fat, fluffy white cat with a bad attitude named Gatsby.
Dylon loves kitties
"awww, listen to her shes got her motor goin for me, do you hear her?"
hes a pussy magnet, =)
im allergic to cats...
but i can get some kind of medicine for that, right?

Friday, November 7, 2008

"hand in my pocket" lyrics

I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm worthless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby
What it all comes down to Is that everything's gonna be quite alright I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is flicking a cigarette
What it all comes down to Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is giving the peace sign
I'm free but I'm focused
I'm green but I'm wise
I'm shy but I'm friendly baby
I'm sad but I'm laughing
I'm brave but I'm chicken shit
I'm sick but I'm pretty baby
And what it all boils down to Is that no one's really got it figured out just yet I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is playing the piano
What it all comes down to my friends Is that everything's just fine fine fine I've got one hand in my pocket And the other one is hailing a taxicab...


i like to think of this song kind of as my theme song. it describes me perfectly 'short, healthy, young, underpaid, tired but im working, giving a peace sign"
it all makes sense

Coin a word to describe your present life.

"confusing"

What affect has a child, whether yours or someone else's, had on your life?

(prompt from the "one minute writer")

hmmm...let's see... one of my best friends had a baby last year, it was right after her senior year of high school, on the anniversary of 9/11. his name is damian, hes about 2 months old now, yes, he was goregous, and he smelled amazing, and he was so tiny and bright eyed...but the look on my friends face, the look of pure exaustion, and frustration, made me realize that im not ready to be a mommy, even if my baby is as adorable as hers is!

growing up...

it seems like all of a sudden, the rest of my life depends on the decisions that i make right now.
when high school is over, and ive graduated, do i wait to go to college, stay here, and get an apartment to share with dylon? do i start working right away? do i move in with my dad and go to college? do i stay here and go to college? how am i going to be with dylon? how am i supposed to decide the rest of my life on what i know right now? it just doesnt seem like ive been alive long enough to make such serious decisions...
i want to be with dylon, thats one thing that im sure of.
we finally got to talk last night, for a couple of hours, we had mediocre phone sex...
it was alright.
he's expecting me to go to my dad's house, but then there's my job, and college, and everything else.
being 18 shouldnt have to be so hard.
my mom wants me to stay here, and live with her, and go to the community college,
my dad wants me to move in with him, and go to college there, my brother thinks that's a good idea, my boyfriend wants us to be together, in the same house, in the same bedroom, in the same bed, every night,
but what does AMY want?
Amy doesnt know...
amy knows that EVENTUALLY she wants to go to college, amy knows that she is going to have to work super hard if she wants to have enough money to go to school, AND have an apartment,
maybe...a roomate?
maybe...taking a year off to work, and save up, maybe picking up another job, maybe taking a math class right out of high school, maybe....maybe hoping against hope that my dad will let Dylon come and stay too...
we have to find dylon a job, and he needs a drivers lisence, and a job...did i mention a job?

Thursday, November 6, 2008

What radio station do you listen to the most?

94.5 the buzz!!! the new rock alternative!

If you were on the game show Jeopardy!, what interesting story would you tell to introduce yourself?

"hmm...well Alex...when i was in the fifth grade i spent almost all of my time reading, i read the entire Harry Potter series in a matter of weeks! i remember going to the movies to see the second one "harry potter and the chamber of secrets" with a friend of mine and someone had to call the usher to shut us up! The only problem was the usher ended up escorting the people NEXT to us out of the theatre!"

(prompt from "the one minute writer")

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

YAY!

who says that we cant dance in public, or sing until out lungs run out of breath? who says we shouldnt ride in the cart at the store, even if were too big...
why cant i get paint all over the place?
or laugh until i cry?
or drink a the WHOLE bottle of vodka?
or smoke the WHOLE pack of cigarettes?
why shouldnt i have sex with her, or him, or them?
society doesnt understand that some people will fight the rules, regardless of the consequences...
guess thats why the cops dont like me very much...

...oOpS

been using life the wrong way, and hoping for things hasnt gotten me anywhere but right back where i started. i miss dylon, and i definately cant wait to talk to him again...
its wednsday...so that makes.....two days and counting...
its like...hes in the army or something...
and here i am waiting for him to come back to me.
it wont be long now.
sometimes i think i pretend he's here.
i have a cough to end all coughs at this point in time, and im ready for it to be over,
"sing me to sleep, sing me to sleep, im tired and i want to go to bed"
its sooooo time to go back to bed,
i have a research paper due on....next wednsday?
and i completely lost the book thats is over...oops.
project playlist is my new best friend.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

my days as a teenage dumbass.

so im sick like a dog and in the midst of a 1 week suspension from work, maybe it isnt so bad that i dont have to work this week though, i have a lot of school work to catch up on.
dylon and i have it worked out to where we talk on fridays now.
not often enough, but only until he gets his new cell phone.
we'll be ok. anyways, i have a headcold from the depths of hell, and im all snotty and tobacco deprived. for the next three days theres no leaving campus for lunch, no crystal, not Raymond, no spending lunch at whataburger and smoking, why do i have to pick people so much younger than me for friends?
so instead im sitting here in front of the computer in the art room and eating graham crackers and water. i think ill go to whataburger tonight, and get a grilled chicken sandwich to eat for lunch tomorrow. im about ready to die with all of this bullshit, why should seniors even have to come today? theres no real reason, were just taking up space. ANYWHO
gonna go make a project playlist i think. later-ater.

Friday, October 31, 2008

waiting out the pain

not to say that i havent moved on just a little, but there isnt much to move on to...except for Mark. i wont say that i dont miss dylon, but he hasnt called in almost a week, you'd figure he'd at least try...a text message "hey, its dylon, love you" SOMETHING, if he really cared.
i guess i just didnt figure he was the type of person to just...walk away like he has.
i trusted him....and i guess once again, i gave him too much credit...
i hate the fact that i still think about him all the time, and hope that he'll call, or text, or something.
i miss him.
my legs are sore from walking so much.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

ABBEY ROAD IS FALLING APART.


“And when at last I find you/ Your song will fill the air.”
"all you need is love"
-the Beatles


dont take me too seriously, i dont take me to seriously...







It (LSD) opened my eyes. We only use on-tenth of our brain. Just think of what we could accomplish if we could only tap that hidden part! It would mean a whole new world if the politicians would take LSD. There wouldn't be any more war or poverty or famine.”

he was ignored, and underappreciated, and unloved, and his parents had abandoned him. but he turned into a loving, caring, giving man with a soul that could cure the most fatal of diseases. and he sat on that cornflake in the english rain waiting for his lucy to fall from the sky.


"if slaughter houses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian."- paul mccartney




Tuesday, October 28, 2008

forever and a day...(tuesday)

STILL WAITING FOR DYLON TO FINALLY CALL...AMYBEAR IS TIRED OF WAITING........U..G..H...
its been forever and a day since ive heard his voice, and i actually thought this would be harder on him than on myself...
i keep thinking about him...
hope hes still thinking about me.


<~~~~3

Monday, October 27, 2008

dammit i hate mondays.

im really missing dylon. he called me friday i think...i did something seriously messed up this weekend that i really regret. i realized that right after i got home at 6 am and cried because i was scared that i was losing control of myself. i eventually passed out.
it was the mushrooms.
they were making me vibrate...
and every thought i had ever had all came at me at once...it was scary...i was so tripped out that i couldnt even see where i was, or where i was going for that matter.
eventually the dizziness wore off and i was alright.
Teresa had a miscarriage, and shes really torn up about it.
i dont know if i could ever suffer through losing a part of myself...
i might have to die too...
but teresa has her son, John, and her husband Jason, so maybe she can muster through it all.
poor baby.
i dont really feel like writing anymore...

Friday, October 24, 2008

-sigh- and god continues to prove to me how much better he is at this game than i am

Dylon's phone bill hasnt been payed in 2 months. the fault of his father. who regretted to inform him that he had skipped out on the bill, so dylon is now calling me from his cousins phone. and not being able to send daily text messages, and let him know when im at work is making this even harder. he called me last night from his cousin Jason's phone just to let me know. im about 5 minutes away from just paying the bill my damn self.
but im not sure how mommie dearest would feel about that...
anywho...
i consumed all of 800 calories yesterday.
a slim fast...a grilled chicken salad...a snack bar...and my pathetic little dinner.
not to mention the three a.m apple sauce i ate.
it was yummy -pats belly-
oh yeah, the half of a graham cracker, half a teaspoon of peanut butter,and the apple slice i had as a snack.
almost cheated on dylon with mark last night.
almost...
but i didnt.
today is pep rally day...everyone is dressed up "old skool" (the theme)
saw a girl in the hallway wearing a skirt that was too short, a sweater and some stilleto heels...HOT.
but today i went with plaid slacks, and a brown tshirt with a hand giving the peace sign.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

nEvEr say NeVeR...

so i started a food journal last night. it consists of a date, what i ate on that day, and how i plan to fix my habits for the next day.
im planning on a grilled chicken salad for lunch today, and maybe some apples and carrots once i (finally) get home.
dylon fell asleep last night before i got off of work.
i hope he plans on staying awake tonight.
and Sunday morning hes all mine.
he...however...doesnt know this yet, so i'd appreciate it if you wouldnt tell him, lmao.
he isnt feeling well 'sinus problems' he says.
its getting chili outside, i walked onto our balcony this morning and almost froze to death!
im getting pretty hungry, but im thinking i can hold out until lunch.
maybe i can grab a diet coke, and eat the snack bar thing i brought during my lunch period, and then go get my salad during my off period (which is what we call lunch)
i need to wash clothes tonight, i can tell you that right now.
i cant remember the last time ive washed the jeans i have on right now.
they dont smell bad or anything, but they definately need to be washed.
my tummy is starting to hurt :(
im so happy to be off of work tonight.
last night, they had the lobby closed so we could get it redone. and so it was just drive thru, teresa comes out of the bathroom and says shes bleeding.
teresa is my manager at whataburger, were pretty close
teresa is 38 and pregnant.
she stayed until her relief got there, an older crazy woman...miss patty...she has a wobbly tooth on the front left side.
still waiting for it to fall out one of these days.
lmao.
i will never end up like these people...in my late thirties and fourties, still working at whataburger.
never...NeVeR...nEvEr...NEVER.
of course, never say never...

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

dream in one hand...

we talked about music, and politics, we talked about our opinions, we talked about everything, im really trying to open up to him...he says that hes really not comfortable with the wall i put up. so im trying to open up. its just hard, the only people ive opened up to before just...leave. what am i supposed to think? i overdrew my bank account again last night, slim fast, veggies, fruits, and 100 calorie packs of things cost a buttload of money.


its okay though, i fixed it.
The Allmun brothers...
are they really any good?
he never called me back, because he was too bust having a [no beer party] with his friends Beau, Jason, and whatever the other guys name is...
needless to say, amybear was pissed.


he said once that he thinks hes just another waste of time for me between dealing with my mom and my job...hes wrong...but im starting to think im just another waste of time for him between his little parties...


like...im not as important as Beau and Jason...

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


growing up is hard to do.

things are getting a lot more serious with dylon.
last night we were on the phone, and i was talking and we were both laughing and giggling. and all of a sudden he got all quiet...
i noticed and asked him what was wrong.
he proceeded to tell me that he wasnt accusing me, or anything, but that if he found out that i was screwing around on him, it was over...
i can completely understand where he's coming from.
we just had this really long, drawn out, serious conversation...
its really wierd, ive never had a conversation with someone like that before.
were getting really serious...hes planning a future...what am i supposed to do?
IM SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD
he says "i know im really young and everything, but i really think youre the one for me."
IS IT TOO SOON?
AM I BEING STUPID?
AM I BEING IRRESPONSIBLE?
im not exactly sure what to say to him lately.
yeah...ive screwed around ok?
we've only been together for less than two months and ive screwed around...
he says he thinks we were "unofficially" together for at least a month before we really got together, and not to mention the fact that we were friends for a while before that.
im on a diet...
i started about a week ago.
im trying to eat a little healthier and lose some weight.
yesterday i ate a grilled chicken sandwich, eeeeeeeeasy mayo lettuce, tomato, pickle, and grilled onion. (no french fries, even though i work in a fast food restaraunt) then i got home and had the munchies (i wont tell you why) and felt huge after i ate like...four potato wedges, some macaroni and cheese, and some health request soup.
but that was yesterday...actually...i think i had two grilled chicken sandwiches...one for lunch, and the other on my break at 6, then i ate dinner at...after 11:30 and went to bed...i know, not good. i think im gonna start making it a rule that i dont eat anything after 9pm. unless im working graveyards, in that case i dont eat right before im going to bed. im trying to cut the fried foods completely out, and im doing good, ive slipped a little, a french fry here and there, like 3 or 4 , and today im walking to the store to get slim fast for breakfast. and fruit, and some kind of something that isnt going to kill my diet so i can start eating at home a little more, i need to cook that brocolli thats been in the freezer for weeks.
i think ive lost at least a little.
i know i need to start walking a lot more, and eating a lot less.
this morning i ate breakfast at the school, a breakfast burrito (it was little) it had like 10% the saturated fat i needed for the day...
based on a 2000 calorie a day diet anyway.
i was probably up to 4000 or 5000 a day.
ive cut out cheese for the most part (some every now and then...like once a week) all fried foods, sweets, sugar, regular sodas (strictly diet sodas, milk, juice, and water), i dont do cheese burgers, french fries, chicken strips, hashbrowns, sausage or bacon, basically anything they serve at whataburger (the place i work at ) except the grilled chicken sandwiches, grilled chicken wraps, and grilled chicken salads (they actually are pretty good with grilled onions).
im learning how to be hungry...i think thats alright though.
ok...
i think im done writing for today.

<3

Monday, October 20, 2008

"half alive" by secondhand serenade


It's four AM, I'm waking up to your perfume Don't get up, I'll get through on my ownI don't know if I'm homeOr if I lost the way into your roomI'm spiraling into my doomI'm feeling half alive but I know one dayYou and I will be free,To live and die by our own rules,Free..Despite the fact that men are fools.I'm almost alive, and I need you to tryAnd save me.It's okay that we're dying,But I need to survive tonight, tonight.Well excuse me while I get killed softly,Heart slows down and I can hardly tell you I'm okayAt least 'til yesterday,You know you got me off my highest guard,Believe me when I say it's hard.We'll get through this tonightAnd I know one day you and I will be freeTo live and die by our own rules,Free..Despite the fact that men are fools.I'm almost alive, and I need you to tryAnd save me.It's okay that we're dying,But I need to survive tonight, tonight.And you touch my hand ever so slightly(Girl we're not ready for this yet)And the deadly look she cast upon meI won't regret, I won't regretI won't regret. I won't regret...And I was trying to disappear,But you got me wrapped around youI can hardly breathe without youI was trying to disappearBut I got lost in your eyes now,You brought me down to size now.I'm almost aliveAnd I need you to try and save me.It's okay that we're dyingBut I need to survive tonight, tonightTonight...I'm almost alive, and I need you to tryAnd save me.It's okay that we're dying,But I need to survive tonight, tonight.I need to survive tonight, tonight.

serious conversations with the person i didnt expect to love...ever.

so we talked yesterday...he asked me why i care about him and i didnt quite have an answer. he tends to be so critical. im not sure why i care about him. yeah, because hes my boyfriend, but WHY DO I CARE ABOUT HIM...
1.) because he makes me laugh. i could be having the worst day on earth, and he without even trying, he can completely crack me up.
2.) because hes completely himself at any moment of any day.
3.) because he cares about me, the feeling is mutual.
4.) he's passionate about things.
5.) he loves his "gramma"
6.) he doesnt spend all of his time calling and texting me, he actually has a life outside of me
7.) he isnt so sweet all the time that i could vomit, he has his sweet moments, which make them that much more special
8.) he feels the same way i do
9.) ive seen him as a friend before, so things are a lot less awkward.
10.) i have hope for us.

these are all of the reasons why i love him and care about him, and all of the stuff that i thought about waaaay too late. lol. oh well.
i love having conversations with him, because he actually has opinions, and we can actually have an intelligent conversation.
and yet, in the midst of all of the drama, and the anger, and the criticism, there is the sweetest, most honest, most amazing person ive ever met.



i havent talked to mark in what feels like forever...he texts me back every now and then ,but his excuse is that hes "busy". im almost sure hes ignoring me, but im not sure i even care anymore, i havent found the time to finish the great gatsby, i actually turned in the copy i got from the library today, it was overdue anyway, i read the last lines...i tend to do that with every book i read. flip to the end and read the ending...that way i know whats going to happen. but like the dragon in "grendel'' said, knowing something is going to happen, doesnt make it your fault. doesnt mean that you were some part of making it happen. the dragon in grendel reminded me a little of Mark, actually. theres a song by secondhand serenade that reminds me of him, also. i think ill post it up here. i cant say that i dont miss talking to mark as a friend, but the fact that i know that he would try to be more scares me. because i wouldnt hurt dylon like that.

"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past"