Friday, December 19, 2008

feeling proud of something i should be ashamed of...maybe.

i dont feel disgusted.
i had a bad eating day.
i had a sandwich, and some other stuff, so when i got home, i had my first successful purge in the
shower. i was happy about it.
i felt...clean inside.
like it didnt even really matter anymore.
i felt like everything was going to be ok.
it was....comforting.
i now have a dirty secret.
it was sad because i was proud of it, and there was no one to tell.
you cant just pick up your cell phone and say "hey, i just threw up, congratulate me."
i wish i had a pro ed friend =(
on a happier note, today, all ive had is two bottles of water, and a few bites of yogurt at breakfast yay for me. hee hee.
im going to try to keep the trend going today, im going to drink another bottle of water.
and maybe eat half a salad at lunch or something.
i might see if i cant purge up something after school.
no matter how little i eat, i still feel full.
i really want to get rid of it.


  1. I am proud of you! i know that i shouldnt encourage anyone to hurt themselves but i see purging as an instrument against anxiety. i remember my first purge. it was 5 years ago and i had eaten a piece of cake. it got so much easier after the first few tries, you learn tricks with your body and mind, things that help you will it out of you. if i can offer you a tip, you should try and purge not to long after your binge/consumption. calories are absorbed pretty fast, especially sugars/starches.that and the longer it sits, the more acid mixes with it and trust me, i've had my share of cavities. and the softer and more buoyant the food the better. like bread will ball up in your stomach and is a total bitch to get up. i used to mix up different foods in a cup of water to see which would float and which would sink. because its really hard to get EVERYTHING up.
    if you need any help at all, just comment me.

  2. i know how you feel,
    when i fasted for the first time, even though it only lasted like 4 days i was really proud of myself but it was kinda depressing cuz there was no one to gloat about it to like no one to say "hey watsup yeah i just starved myself for four days and i can totally see bone! isnt that great?"


    great job though, thats good that youve achioeved the clean feeling.

    XOXO Sophia Ruins <3

  3. thank you for the comments. im glad that SOMEONE understands. lol.