Monday, December 29, 2008

the helladays.

hello everyone,
i hope your holidays went okay.
mine went alright besides some of the drinking i did the other night.
we didnt even do anything for christmas
no presents or awkward christmas dinner
good for me though.
i want to thank everyone for their support
if anyone wants to get in touch with me,
just send an email to
dont hesitate!
love you all dearly.
hoping you all have an amazing new year1

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

thank you for all of your support!!

sitting here.
at the library hoping no one is looking over my shoulder,
just want to thank you all for your support.
fell off my wagon and felt like shit for a couple of days.
but im back on now.
i looked at myself in the mirrior today and smiled for the first time in forever...
and i smiled.
i can feel hipbones,
and my face is so much thinner,
im so sick of being the one with the chubby cheeks.
im not that girl anymore.
and i owe it all to ana.
i ate an apple with about a tablespoon of peanutbutter today.
so that i would have the energy to walk here
its a pretty long walk.
been smoking cigarettes and drinking water to control my cravings.
i feel amazing and...clean today
i love it.
i can feel my stomach getting flatter, and my ribcage starting to show a little.
this is an amazing feeling.
people look when i walk past them
and i like that.
my boyfriend smiled when i was walking around in my bra this morning, looking for a shirt to go with my pants
i turned to him "what's that big smile for?"
he shrugged his shoulders..."nothing. i was just thinking that i have the most beautiful girlfriend in the entire world."
he was definately rewarded for that compliment.
i hear sex burns calories anyway.
hee hee.
im finally happy for the first time since i can remember
why would i screw it up by eating?

Saturday, December 20, 2008

some thinspo

ok. so this is how it goes.

i stayed at crystals last night.
and we drove to houston to party. but the whole night all she did was complain.
yeah, i understand that her family is getting evicted, but even SHE said that she
wasnt going to let that get in the way of her having a good time.
so it completely sucked.
we went back to her house 2 hours earlier than expected, and i fell asleep.
i did pretty damn good yesterday
i had the yogurt- 50 cals
and then i had about 6 bottles of water
i split a salad with crystal (i gave her all of the chicken, the tomatoes, and the dressing.)
and at about 6 i ate one of those fresco bowls from taco bell, half of it was only about 150 calories
not to mention a diet coke.
i really felt like i wanted to throw up after we left taco bell, but because it would have invlolved sticking my fingers down my throat, i couldnt.
didnt want crystal to see anything.
but i made up for it today.
there was a binge of some leftover chinese, followed by a brownie, and a diet coke.
the rest is history.
not to mention i walked to the library and back (about a mile either way)
and will be walking to the store later.
im not sure how often i will be posting during christmas vacation, but i promise that it will be back up to every day once school starts again.
i wouldnt want to let everyone down now would i? =)
im planning on just steering clear of food for the rest of the day.
i will be water fasting for three days come monday, wish me luck!!!
i can feel it coming off, someone told me yesterday that i was adorable.
makes you feel good.
i talked to my boyfriend last night about my "diet" and he was all "Amy, i dont want you to think that just because im really tall and skinny, you have to be like me, i love you no matter what." he also managed to throw in there that "if i wanted to lose weight, he wasnt going to stop me"
dylon is 6 feet, 4 inches, and weighs 150 pounds
and im not supposed to compete with that.
i love him though, hes an amazing person.
im inviting anyone reading this to follow me,
i could use a support net.
just to keep me going when it's really hard, ya know?
so just click the little button!!!
comment me if you want, i always love reading what you have to say!
oh, and thanks for the advice and support on my last post.
love you all
i bid the farewell for now.

Friday, December 19, 2008

feeling proud of something i should be ashamed of...maybe.

i dont feel disgusted.
i had a bad eating day.
i had a sandwich, and some other stuff, so when i got home, i had my first successful purge in the
shower. i was happy about it.
i felt...clean inside.
like it didnt even really matter anymore.
i felt like everything was going to be ok.
it was....comforting.
i now have a dirty secret.
it was sad because i was proud of it, and there was no one to tell.
you cant just pick up your cell phone and say "hey, i just threw up, congratulate me."
i wish i had a pro ed friend =(
on a happier note, today, all ive had is two bottles of water, and a few bites of yogurt at breakfast yay for me. hee hee.
im going to try to keep the trend going today, im going to drink another bottle of water.
and maybe eat half a salad at lunch or something.
i might see if i cant purge up something after school.
no matter how little i eat, i still feel full.
i really want to get rid of it.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

hunger pains?

i skipped my economics final.
i was having these teribble period cramps.
so im pretty proud of myself as of yesterday.
ive been trying to keep it under 700 calories a day
and i think im doing pretty well
as long as i stick to baby carrots and water for the rest of the day i should be ok
i ate a sammich this morning-250
and juice-50
400 calories right there
and then i ate a poptart to make crystal happy.
but i skipped dinner last night, and filled up on water and cigarettes, so im doing good
ill do the same tonight.
i think i might do yogurt and half an apple for breakfast tomorrow, and maybe a salad for lunch, and skip dinner,
i have to make up for lost time.
im going to buy a scale today!!!
im really excited.
wish me luck!!

on another subject
im done with adam.
hes been screwing around on me with another friend of his sisters
i cant believe that i was going to leave my boyfriend for him!
god im such an idiot when it comes to guys.
what a douche.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008


sitting here at this "celebration" for the special ed kids in this art class,
they have all of the crap im not allowed.
cookies, cake, chips, and lots of soda and other crap
i ate an animal cracker
i binged on chocolate earlier
i have to go home, drink some water, and try to purge in the shower.
going to be perfect one day.
my ribs will show.

writing a letter...

im writing a letter to dylon, ive got about 8 pages so far.
i havent talked to adam lately, im hoping he comes around.
all ive eaten today is a sausage, pancake on a stick thingy, some juice, and a few drinks of milk.
i cant wait until my side stops hurting so i can start working out again.
i think it may be my appendix
i need to buy a scale soon.
im staying after for art class today until 7.
is it sad that now, when i know that food is going to be in a situation, i get scared?
i know that the art teacher is going to order pizza, and that scares me.
i knew that they would be throwing a party in homeroom today, and that there would be food, and they did,
i did good though.
i figured that since i'd eaten breakfast, i didnt need any of that crap that the teacher was giving out.
chips, cookies, candy, bagels with cream cheese, coke, and popcorn
all kinds of crap.
i had to keep telling myself that i would never be thin, and i would never be pretty if i ate that.
yesterday, my english teacher passed out brownies. but i held out like a good girl.
i ate a salad for lunch.
and a plate of veggies for dinner.
christmas vacation is coming up here soon.
come friday ill be out for 2 weeks,
im hoping i will be able to get away from all of this junk food, and get some water down my throat.
then there's christmas...
dear lord. im terrefied.
"eat to live, dont live to eat."
i have to keep telling myself that.
i feel really guilty, i should have just eaten the damn cereal instead of a fucking pancake thing.
i feel disgusting.
god i want to work out again, i loved the feeling of being out of breath and tired from running.
i miss that.
my plan for tomorrow:
breakfast: half an apple, and half a cup of yogurt...drink a bottle of water
lunch: grilled chicken salad 1/4 cup of low fat italian dressing, diet coke....drink a bottle of water
dinner: brocolli, baby carrots, keep it under 200 cals....drink two bottles of water before bed.

i will be trying desperately to decrease the amount of calories i eat, and increase the amount of water i drink every day.
gw1: 115
gw2: 105
ugw: 99

Monday, December 15, 2008

In what way are you a little (or more than a little) crazy?

im an artist, were all crazy in one way or another
im very ditzy and forgetful,
i dont always pay the closest attention to what i should be doing.
i like to dance
i dont mind being covered in paint
im opinionated
and grammar obsessed
im kind of a liberal
or a hippie
or whatever.
i speak my mind
and i really dont care what most people have to say.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

My Wednsday...

i went over to crystals house after school yesterday...
we hung out for a while,
sadly, i kept hoping that adam would come home. and when he didnt, we went to him.
we walked outside...and it was snowing, for the first time in more than 4 years!
everything is so much prettier covered in snow.
my mom got uber pissed at me for not calling and locked me out of the house for like...10 minutes. she hasnt said much to me at all since then.
im waiting for Adam to call again,
want him to come see me.
want to touch him.
want him to keep me warm.
im hoping something more than a one night stand will come out of this, not saying that i love him, or will ever love him, but i could definately pull a winter fling with him. holding hands, and kissing, and holding each other
why does it always have to be about sex with guys?
why cant it ever just be soft, and sweet?
i dont understand.
i like the king of one night stands, and im hoping to not turn out to be another notch in his bedpost i guess.
i really like him, and now that crystal is cool with it, i think something might happen,
he should definately stay sober more often , hes waaaay funnier when he's sober.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

How do you strive to be similar to, or different from, your parents?

i dont want to be like my mother in any way at all....
i dont want to be sick
or alone
or too tired to get out of bed
or anything like that.

lunch time yesterday...

so we went to crystal's house yesterday at lunch just like we do every day.
we were sitting in her living room as her mom left.
then it was just me, Crystal, Raymond...and Adam.
Crystal stands up "it's time to go, come on ya'll"
raymond stands up and they walk out the door.
i stay to talk to Adam
"so....what are you doing after school today?"
"nothing i dont guess."
we stand there for a minute, and he hugs me, and kisses my cheek.
the dog barks.
Adam is HER man.
he laughs, and hugs me tighter "do you like that Hershey? Do you like that?"
he kisses my cheek a few more times, because he thinks its funny to piss the really old dog off.
oh well....
i turn around
i walk towards him...
he holds his arms out and holds me close
we kiss...
for a few seconds
and then i pull away quite reluctantly.
i want him so bad...

lunch time yesterday...

In what area of your life do you tend toward excess instead of moderation?

food, liquor, marijuana, my cell phone, anything that might possibly make me happy and which you're supposed to use only in moderation if at all

thank you to the "one minute writer" for the prompt

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

falling deeper and deeper in love <3

i could love you forever and i dont think that it would be long enough, i could hold you here with me until every star falls out of the sky. im in love with you too dylon.

zi and pon (jeff thomas art)


ok, so i have Dylon, right? who by the way told me that he's in love with me last night. i got goosebumbs when i heard him say it.
and then there's adam...
the one that i was making out with at the party a few weeks ago...
well, ive managed to do it again.
only i was sober
he was drunk
but he grabbed me
so i didnt initiate it
although i may have provoked it a little
just a little...
i dont know.
wont say he isnt very good looking,
maybe ill get his picture and post it within the next few days?
he came over the other night, and we did some stuff that totally shouldnt be done between a girls best friend and a girls brother.
i have a little school girl crush...
i know he's a self professed alcoholic.
he drinks non stop.
what the hell is wrong with me?
one day i have no decisions, and the next day, i have to choose what to do between my boyfriend and the older brother of my best friend.
i live in a soap opera.
"girl meets boy, boy turns out to be best friends brother, girl gets drunk, makes out with boy...twice...okay, more than twice, more like 10 or 11 times...girl remembers she has a boyfriend that she loves with all of her heart."
tune in next week for another exciting edition of ..... "waaaay too young to be screwing a 22 year old."

the crazy thing is that i talked to crystal about it. and she says she really doesnt mind.
granted, i didnt tell her the whole thing.
just that her brother called me, and some of the stuff that he told me,
like im cute as a button,
and some of the more innocent stuff.
not anything like "i want to throw you down and cover you in sweet kisses."
he did say that, by the way.

Monday, December 1, 2008

where'd the "e" come from in kurt cobain? i dunno...but it wasnt right.

Kurt Cobaine

i hate thanksgiving...holidays in general actually.

we actually went to IHOP for thanksgiving dinner, dont feel bad for me, i dont feel bad for myself. i got a huge omelet covered in cheese, and me and my mom sat and talked and the waitress was really nice. that night me and mark were ok. he was telling me that i was his best friend, and that he loved me, but then he said something about maybe taking things a little further with ashely, the nanny he's been trying to get with since he hired her, and i got jealous. i screwed up and told him how i really feel and yesterday he said that he doesnt know if he'll ever talk to me again. he said that he thinks it feels like the right thing to do. he says that he thinks that we need space away from each other. i hope he doesnt mean forever. i need my space from him, true, and it hasnt been as hard as i thought it would be to forget about it. im still in a lot of pain, and im close to tears even now that im thinking about it, but ill be ok i think. maybe we'll talk again.
until then, im going to wish him good luck with everything.
even though i kind of hate him for hurting me.
"i no longer love her, but how i loved her, how could one not have loved her great still eyes?"

Carnivores...herbivores...omnivores. Create an "___ivore"

someone with a huge vocabulary
someone who reads the dictionary like its an epic novel.
someone who loves the english language.