Friday, December 21, 2012

Moment of Silence...

well...we made it to the end of the last Mayan calender cycle. How do we all feel?

They had a moment of silence this morning for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School massacre. 20 beautiful children and 6 women who's families have to bury them not even a week before Christmas. I swear I sat there and balled like a baby. Those poor parents...

There is a special place in Hell for people that decide shoot up Elementary Schools, and movie theaters, and places of worship because they feel cheated in life and are having a bad day.

Hug your families today ladies. Moms, Dads, and babies :)

lots of love to everyone

Thursday, December 20, 2012

...And we all fall down

i've quarantined myself in the house with my kitty for the past 2 days. i've been in my pajamas and my messy hair and i haven't called anyone or talked to anyone other than D and my uncle.

It's so much less complicated in here. Here i don't have to be constantly looking over my shoulder wondering what the people behind my back are saying about me. Everywhere i go, i'm constantly obsessed with whether people are looking at me and wondering why i would go into public with as fat and disgusting as i am. Most days i don't even feel like it's worth it to roll myself out of bed.

I don't think i've ever hated anyone as much as i hate myself.

The uglier i get however, the more beautiful my house becomes. i guess it's my fucked up way of compensating for myself.

Looking forward to helping D lay down the hardwood floors in the living room.
if we make it to the 27th, that is.

If this is the last post i ever get a chance to make i just want everyone to know that i tried...i tried to straighten myself out as best i could and i'm deeply sorry that i couldnt be perfect.

I can't wait to get my uncle out of the spare bedroom so i can have the space to set up my treadmill and easel and find a few things to fill in all of the time i wont be spending getting high and smoking cigarettes.

I really hope that tomorrow isn't the end of things, because there are so many things that i haven't done in life.
get married, and have a family, finish school and start my career, write a book and rock out all of these paintings that are stuck in my head.

i want to know what beautiful and thin and perfect feels like before my young life is ripped away from me.

parts of me cant help but think that D slept with someone else because i'm not pretty enough.
not small enough or sexy enough.

on another note, here are a few picures

                                                pee wee

                                               the front of my little house

                                                oh christmas tree

                                              living room decoration :)

family stockings. mommy, daddy, and pee wee titty 

This is a picture of one of my nieces, Cassidy, who everyone has told her whole life she looks like her aunt Amy

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

It's Beginning to Feel a Lot Like...

Well, D is off to work and i'm here by myself, watching (gasp) Jersey Shore.
They're fighting. Again.
The big one is all fucked up on that HGH and the Situation is all pain pilled out and they're about to go insane on each other.
And we are supposed to future of America?
Our children?

We decided not to spend all of our money on our nieces and nephews this year. The year before last we bought for D's four nieces and nephew, and then last year we spent a small fortune on my five nieces and nephew.

yeah, that's nine. From just my brother and his sister.
our siblings are fertile.

So I think he's gonna freak on Christmas morning :)
Honestly, after I was about 13 and my brother was moved out and it was just me and my mom, Christmas at our house was pretty bleak. It got to where we stopped putting up a tree or anything. My mom was going blind and couldn't see to drive around christmas shopping.

But after I found D, and he was so enthusiastic about the Holidays i started to find my Christmas spirit again. Even my mom was getting in on it.

I'm really excited to spend an entire week on Christmas vacation with him, and after Christmas we get to lay down the wood flooring our lanlord bought for our house :)

We've been talking about cutting back on the cigarettes, drinking, and crap so that we can get a new car. I'm         just tired of being broke because we're inviting over friends and entertaining three or four nights a week and buying alcohol, not to mention the pack of cigarettes we each smoke every day. I've been a pack a day smoker since i was 13 so...8 years, and i'm ready to quit so I can be around for a while. I don't want to have lung cancer, or not be able to do simple things because I can't breathe : /

So we'll see how the New Year's Resolution works.

Hope all is well in your homes.
Happy Holidays :)

Daisy <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">

Saturday, December 15, 2012

The Last Week On Earth...

Hey Beautiful Ladies,

I've been doing my Christmas shopping, getting ready for the day we might not even see. Wouldn't that suck if i'm spending all of my money to get presents and decorations and shit for Christmas and the fiery gates of Hell open up on the 21st?

Thinking about throwing an End of the World Party, inviting over everyone we know and just getting drunk as fuck. Could be fun, We'll see.

Working in the morning, godda get up early.

Friday, December 14, 2012

This Be The LAST Pain I Suffer

So in September D's "stepsister"came to see us for her 21st birthday and I went through all of this trouble to make her feel welcome in my home and try to be nice to her. She spent all of this time doing absoloutely nothing but talking about herself, all of this new make up she bought, her upcoming trip to las vegas, her, her, her, her until i was ready to shoot myself. Finally about eleven i decided it was time to turn in because i had work early the next morning.

 I have to admit that i was suspicious even before i went to sleep that night, leaving my boyfriend and this non-blood related female alone with a cooler full of beer. This was his chance to prove to me that he could be trusted.

About four in the morning i was woken up by the sound of my front door slamming and someone saying "I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette" I waited and waited and waited and didnt hear anything, no talking or noises on the front porch, where we smoke. so i decided to go investigate.

No one was in the house. No one was on the front porch. I sat and smoked a cigarette...and still didnt see anyone.

Where was everyone?

I went inside and walked through the house to the back door, which looks out onto the driveway.
I turned on the back porch light and walked out toward D's truck in the driveway. I heard D yell "Not Good,  Not Good!" as he saw me walking up toward the truck.
And guess who i found all twisted up together in the front seat?

D was trying to zip up his pants, and That Stupid Cunt was trying to cover up the fact that she didn't have any pants on. Both were so drunk that they could barely stand up from all of the swaying and wobbling they were doing. Neither could look me in the eye.

My heart was completely shattered. It felt like he had ripped it from my chest and stomped it into tiny specks of dust on the driveway.

How could this person, to whom i'd given my heart and dedicated my entire life, betray me like this? What about all of the times he'd sworn to be good to me and treat me right? What about the life we'd created together in this new house? Didn't any of that matter?

When i tried to ask her who the hell she thought she was, coming to my house and fucking my boyfriend behind my back like some order-by-the-hour whore, she took an ill-aimed swing at my face. So i proceeded to wrap my hand in her nappy ass hair and throw all two hundred and fifty pounds of her disgusting body to the ground. i punched her a couple of times and slapped the shit out of her. I don't even really remember what else happened between the last minutes of our altercation and when she ran off crying. From what i heard she threw up all over herself and passed out in a ditch.

Yes, every word of this story is true. It's more than three months later and i still think about it every day. We are working on my trust issues and rebuilding our relationship. I thought getting married would fix everything. But have since decided that it would be smarter to wait a while. So the wedding plans have been postponed for now. I still love him. I know it sounds stupid. but i really, in my heart, feel like he is a good guy who made a completely retarded drunken mistake.

I will continue to work on trusting D. I have been hurting a lot these last few months. Things in my head have flip-flopped and have been turned all inside out and backwards.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Chewing my own limb off to escape...

I know that it's been a long time since i've posted. most of my followers have left blogger by now anyway. i'm thinking i might start over again, completely revamp, let go of the past. I have to get past all of the issues and get my self confidence back.

I need a change. to commit to bettering myself. i just dont think i've taken it as seriously as i might should have. I'm in a hole.

Things have been even harder since I caught Dennis cheating on me in September. That killed any self confidence i may have had.

I still love my page, I just think i should maybe...change it up a little.

I guess if i want people to read i should post every once in a while, eh?

To all of you that are still reading i'd really like to thank you for your support and feedback. I know that here recently it's been a lot of whining and complaining.

I got my grades back for the semester today, an A in psychology and a B in Algebra. I'm switching to full time for the next semester so i'm really hoping it won't be overload with my job and taking care of my house and family.

I'm excited to grow and change and mature. I'm really looking forward to starting a career in the chemical plant and getting benefits.

I'm planning a wedding and i cant wait to start my own family. Life seems like it should be perfect, but it's just the fact that i cant look myself in the mirror that keeps me from being as happy as i should be.

I'm just ready to show Dennis that the girl that he met three years ago is still here, and that she still loves him even if she is broken and lost somewhere inside of this...thing that i've become.

this isn't me. I'm so scared that I'm going to let this hold me back from being the person i know that i can become. It's a terrifying thought, that i'm going to be stuck in this...fat suit that i've put on.

I don't want to be trapped here.