Thursday, December 20, 2012

...And we all fall down

i've quarantined myself in the house with my kitty for the past 2 days. i've been in my pajamas and my messy hair and i haven't called anyone or talked to anyone other than D and my uncle.

It's so much less complicated in here. Here i don't have to be constantly looking over my shoulder wondering what the people behind my back are saying about me. Everywhere i go, i'm constantly obsessed with whether people are looking at me and wondering why i would go into public with as fat and disgusting as i am. Most days i don't even feel like it's worth it to roll myself out of bed.

I don't think i've ever hated anyone as much as i hate myself.

The uglier i get however, the more beautiful my house becomes. i guess it's my fucked up way of compensating for myself.

Looking forward to helping D lay down the hardwood floors in the living room.
if we make it to the 27th, that is.

If this is the last post i ever get a chance to make i just want everyone to know that i tried...i tried to straighten myself out as best i could and i'm deeply sorry that i couldnt be perfect.

I can't wait to get my uncle out of the spare bedroom so i can have the space to set up my treadmill and easel and find a few things to fill in all of the time i wont be spending getting high and smoking cigarettes.

I really hope that tomorrow isn't the end of things, because there are so many things that i haven't done in life.
get married, and have a family, finish school and start my career, write a book and rock out all of these paintings that are stuck in my head.

i want to know what beautiful and thin and perfect feels like before my young life is ripped away from me.

parts of me cant help but think that D slept with someone else because i'm not pretty enough.
not small enough or sexy enough.

on another note, here are a few picures

                                                pee wee

                                               the front of my little house

                                                oh christmas tree

                                              living room decoration :)

family stockings. mommy, daddy, and pee wee titty 

This is a picture of one of my nieces, Cassidy, who everyone has told her whole life she looks like her aunt Amy

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