Friday, October 31, 2008

waiting out the pain

not to say that i havent moved on just a little, but there isnt much to move on to...except for Mark. i wont say that i dont miss dylon, but he hasnt called in almost a week, you'd figure he'd at least try...a text message "hey, its dylon, love you" SOMETHING, if he really cared.
i guess i just didnt figure he was the type of person to just...walk away like he has.
i trusted him....and i guess once again, i gave him too much credit...
i hate the fact that i still think about him all the time, and hope that he'll call, or text, or something.
i miss him.
my legs are sore from walking so much.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


“And when at last I find you/ Your song will fill the air.”
"all you need is love"
-the Beatles

dont take me too seriously, i dont take me to seriously...

It (LSD) opened my eyes. We only use on-tenth of our brain. Just think of what we could accomplish if we could only tap that hidden part! It would mean a whole new world if the politicians would take LSD. There wouldn't be any more war or poverty or famine.”

he was ignored, and underappreciated, and unloved, and his parents had abandoned him. but he turned into a loving, caring, giving man with a soul that could cure the most fatal of diseases. and he sat on that cornflake in the english rain waiting for his lucy to fall from the sky.

"if slaughter houses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian."- paul mccartney

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

forever and a day...(tuesday)

its been forever and a day since ive heard his voice, and i actually thought this would be harder on him than on myself...
i keep thinking about him...
hope hes still thinking about me.


Monday, October 27, 2008

dammit i hate mondays.

im really missing dylon. he called me friday i think...i did something seriously messed up this weekend that i really regret. i realized that right after i got home at 6 am and cried because i was scared that i was losing control of myself. i eventually passed out.
it was the mushrooms.
they were making me vibrate...
and every thought i had ever had all came at me at was scary...i was so tripped out that i couldnt even see where i was, or where i was going for that matter.
eventually the dizziness wore off and i was alright.
Teresa had a miscarriage, and shes really torn up about it.
i dont know if i could ever suffer through losing a part of myself...
i might have to die too...
but teresa has her son, John, and her husband Jason, so maybe she can muster through it all.
poor baby.
i dont really feel like writing anymore...

Friday, October 24, 2008

-sigh- and god continues to prove to me how much better he is at this game than i am

Dylon's phone bill hasnt been payed in 2 months. the fault of his father. who regretted to inform him that he had skipped out on the bill, so dylon is now calling me from his cousins phone. and not being able to send daily text messages, and let him know when im at work is making this even harder. he called me last night from his cousin Jason's phone just to let me know. im about 5 minutes away from just paying the bill my damn self.
but im not sure how mommie dearest would feel about that...
i consumed all of 800 calories yesterday.
a slim fast...a grilled chicken salad...a snack bar...and my pathetic little dinner.
not to mention the three a.m apple sauce i ate.
it was yummy -pats belly-
oh yeah, the half of a graham cracker, half a teaspoon of peanut butter,and the apple slice i had as a snack.
almost cheated on dylon with mark last night.
but i didnt.
today is pep rally day...everyone is dressed up "old skool" (the theme)
saw a girl in the hallway wearing a skirt that was too short, a sweater and some stilleto heels...HOT.
but today i went with plaid slacks, and a brown tshirt with a hand giving the peace sign.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

nEvEr say NeVeR...

so i started a food journal last night. it consists of a date, what i ate on that day, and how i plan to fix my habits for the next day.
im planning on a grilled chicken salad for lunch today, and maybe some apples and carrots once i (finally) get home.
dylon fell asleep last night before i got off of work.
i hope he plans on staying awake tonight.
and Sunday morning hes all mine.
he...however...doesnt know this yet, so i'd appreciate it if you wouldnt tell him, lmao.
he isnt feeling well 'sinus problems' he says.
its getting chili outside, i walked onto our balcony this morning and almost froze to death!
im getting pretty hungry, but im thinking i can hold out until lunch.
maybe i can grab a diet coke, and eat the snack bar thing i brought during my lunch period, and then go get my salad during my off period (which is what we call lunch)
i need to wash clothes tonight, i can tell you that right now.
i cant remember the last time ive washed the jeans i have on right now.
they dont smell bad or anything, but they definately need to be washed.
my tummy is starting to hurt :(
im so happy to be off of work tonight.
last night, they had the lobby closed so we could get it redone. and so it was just drive thru, teresa comes out of the bathroom and says shes bleeding.
teresa is my manager at whataburger, were pretty close
teresa is 38 and pregnant.
she stayed until her relief got there, an older crazy woman...miss patty...she has a wobbly tooth on the front left side.
still waiting for it to fall out one of these days.
i will never end up like these my late thirties and fourties, still working at whataburger.
of course, never say never...

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

dream in one hand...

we talked about music, and politics, we talked about our opinions, we talked about everything, im really trying to open up to him...he says that hes really not comfortable with the wall i put up. so im trying to open up. its just hard, the only people ive opened up to before just...leave. what am i supposed to think? i overdrew my bank account again last night, slim fast, veggies, fruits, and 100 calorie packs of things cost a buttload of money.

its okay though, i fixed it.
The Allmun brothers...
are they really any good?
he never called me back, because he was too bust having a [no beer party] with his friends Beau, Jason, and whatever the other guys name is...
needless to say, amybear was pissed.

he said once that he thinks hes just another waste of time for me between dealing with my mom and my job...hes wrong...but im starting to think im just another waste of time for him between his little parties... not as important as Beau and Jason...

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

growing up is hard to do.

things are getting a lot more serious with dylon.
last night we were on the phone, and i was talking and we were both laughing and giggling. and all of a sudden he got all quiet...
i noticed and asked him what was wrong.
he proceeded to tell me that he wasnt accusing me, or anything, but that if he found out that i was screwing around on him, it was over...
i can completely understand where he's coming from.
we just had this really long, drawn out, serious conversation...
its really wierd, ive never had a conversation with someone like that before.
were getting really serious...hes planning a future...what am i supposed to do?
he says "i know im really young and everything, but i really think youre the one for me."
im not exactly sure what to say to him lately.
yeah...ive screwed around ok?
we've only been together for less than two months and ive screwed around...
he says he thinks we were "unofficially" together for at least a month before we really got together, and not to mention the fact that we were friends for a while before that.
im on a diet...
i started about a week ago.
im trying to eat a little healthier and lose some weight.
yesterday i ate a grilled chicken sandwich, eeeeeeeeasy mayo lettuce, tomato, pickle, and grilled onion. (no french fries, even though i work in a fast food restaraunt) then i got home and had the munchies (i wont tell you why) and felt huge after i ate like...four potato wedges, some macaroni and cheese, and some health request soup.
but that was yesterday...actually...i think i had two grilled chicken for lunch, and the other on my break at 6, then i ate dinner at...after 11:30 and went to bed...i know, not good. i think im gonna start making it a rule that i dont eat anything after 9pm. unless im working graveyards, in that case i dont eat right before im going to bed. im trying to cut the fried foods completely out, and im doing good, ive slipped a little, a french fry here and there, like 3 or 4 , and today im walking to the store to get slim fast for breakfast. and fruit, and some kind of something that isnt going to kill my diet so i can start eating at home a little more, i need to cook that brocolli thats been in the freezer for weeks.
i think ive lost at least a little.
i know i need to start walking a lot more, and eating a lot less.
this morning i ate breakfast at the school, a breakfast burrito (it was little) it had like 10% the saturated fat i needed for the day...
based on a 2000 calorie a day diet anyway.
i was probably up to 4000 or 5000 a day.
ive cut out cheese for the most part (some every now and once a week) all fried foods, sweets, sugar, regular sodas (strictly diet sodas, milk, juice, and water), i dont do cheese burgers, french fries, chicken strips, hashbrowns, sausage or bacon, basically anything they serve at whataburger (the place i work at ) except the grilled chicken sandwiches, grilled chicken wraps, and grilled chicken salads (they actually are pretty good with grilled onions).
im learning how to be hungry...i think thats alright though.
i think im done writing for today.


Monday, October 20, 2008

"half alive" by secondhand serenade

It's four AM, I'm waking up to your perfume Don't get up, I'll get through on my ownI don't know if I'm homeOr if I lost the way into your roomI'm spiraling into my doomI'm feeling half alive but I know one dayYou and I will be free,To live and die by our own rules,Free..Despite the fact that men are fools.I'm almost alive, and I need you to tryAnd save me.It's okay that we're dying,But I need to survive tonight, tonight.Well excuse me while I get killed softly,Heart slows down and I can hardly tell you I'm okayAt least 'til yesterday,You know you got me off my highest guard,Believe me when I say it's hard.We'll get through this tonightAnd I know one day you and I will be freeTo live and die by our own rules,Free..Despite the fact that men are fools.I'm almost alive, and I need you to tryAnd save me.It's okay that we're dying,But I need to survive tonight, tonight.And you touch my hand ever so slightly(Girl we're not ready for this yet)And the deadly look she cast upon meI won't regret, I won't regretI won't regret. I won't regret...And I was trying to disappear,But you got me wrapped around youI can hardly breathe without youI was trying to disappearBut I got lost in your eyes now,You brought me down to size now.I'm almost aliveAnd I need you to try and save me.It's okay that we're dyingBut I need to survive tonight, tonightTonight...I'm almost alive, and I need you to tryAnd save me.It's okay that we're dying,But I need to survive tonight, tonight.I need to survive tonight, tonight.

serious conversations with the person i didnt expect to love...ever.

so we talked yesterday...he asked me why i care about him and i didnt quite have an answer. he tends to be so critical. im not sure why i care about him. yeah, because hes my boyfriend, but WHY DO I CARE ABOUT HIM...
1.) because he makes me laugh. i could be having the worst day on earth, and he without even trying, he can completely crack me up.
2.) because hes completely himself at any moment of any day.
3.) because he cares about me, the feeling is mutual.
4.) he's passionate about things.
5.) he loves his "gramma"
6.) he doesnt spend all of his time calling and texting me, he actually has a life outside of me
7.) he isnt so sweet all the time that i could vomit, he has his sweet moments, which make them that much more special
8.) he feels the same way i do
9.) ive seen him as a friend before, so things are a lot less awkward.
10.) i have hope for us.

these are all of the reasons why i love him and care about him, and all of the stuff that i thought about waaaay too late. lol. oh well.
i love having conversations with him, because he actually has opinions, and we can actually have an intelligent conversation.
and yet, in the midst of all of the drama, and the anger, and the criticism, there is the sweetest, most honest, most amazing person ive ever met.

i havent talked to mark in what feels like forever...he texts me back every now and then ,but his excuse is that hes "busy". im almost sure hes ignoring me, but im not sure i even care anymore, i havent found the time to finish the great gatsby, i actually turned in the copy i got from the library today, it was overdue anyway, i read the last lines...i tend to do that with every book i read. flip to the end and read the ending...that way i know whats going to happen. but like the dragon in "grendel'' said, knowing something is going to happen, doesnt make it your fault. doesnt mean that you were some part of making it happen. the dragon in grendel reminded me a little of Mark, actually. theres a song by secondhand serenade that reminds me of him, also. i think ill post it up here. i cant say that i dont miss talking to mark as a friend, but the fact that i know that he would try to be more scares me. because i wouldnt hurt dylon like that.

"So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past"

Wednesday, October 15, 2008


is it wrong that i dont want Dylon to talk to "stephie"?
"stephie" is Dylons ex girlfriend, who is all pissy becuse dylon hasnt been talking to her as much lately.
because hes been talking to me...his girlfriend.
it really sucks because i know that he cares about her, he hasnt tried to hide it, and i tell him that its alright with me if he talks to her, and that i dont care, but as soon as he said that he thinks shes getting pissy because of me, i think i just all of a sudden got jealous.
i love him.
and i dont know about this whole...stephie situation.
mark is being really wierd lately.
he says hes taking dakota to paris for a year in 6 months so they can start her education
hes not going to prison after all.
i hope he can raise her so that she wont turn out like him.
she deserves more than a heroin addict for a father.
i love him, and i care about him a lot, and im worried for dakota.
she already lost brandon(her father) and her mom, Mark is basically all she has.
and he better not screw that up.
i need a petname for dylon.
he calls me amybear still,
i think it may be the cutest thing on earth :)

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

be my penguin? <3

"i love you amy"

i really believed it when he said it.
sitting in my car, on break, a cigarette between my fingers.
"my break is almost over dylon, ill call you tonight ok?"
"i love you."
"i love you too Dylon."
he called me "amybear" this morning. it was adorable.
i havent been this happy in forever.

Monday, October 13, 2008

dilly bar (monday)

i worked most of the weekend. i didnt feel like writing anything last week, i was too depressed.
me and justin broke up.
mark is in prison i think.
but something very wierd happened.
Dylon told me he loves me.
"were good for eachother" he said
ive known dylon for like...6 months, and weve never been more than just friends.
sure, there was a small attraction for a little while...but who knew?
maybe i could do this...
ill keep you posted ok?

Thursday, October 9, 2008

three days of freedom and stress...(thursday)

so i made a mistake and messaged some people on marks friends list.
told him it was my crazy ex girlfriend, and now i think were ok.
he said, and i quote. "one more person gets a message and its war"
when i asked "war with who?"
he replied "you"
he says i know too much about him.
i love him so much and im not sure if i could live if he was mad at me.
when i called him last night, he was drinking absinthe with bella donna and he had taken an overdose of heroin and 50 valium.
i told him that if he died i would kill myself.
i told him all it would take is a bottle of my moms asprin and her heart medication,
she has high blood pressure, and the medicine slows down the heart rate.
im not sure i would have done it.
he scared me last night.

Friday, October 3, 2008

more random pictures of crap...

back in the middle of chaos...

he called me again last night.
we agreed that we wouldnt work as a couple, but that we both like where we are.
"no matter what you'll always be my love"
i wanted him immensly last night.
but we have an inspection of our apartment coming up on next wednsday, and ive been unbelievably busy.
i was at school, i went straight from last period to detention, and from detention to work, and from work to the store, and from the store to the shower, and from the shower to bed.
its going to be pretty much the same crap tonight.
i have to go to pay the electric bill today. but at least i dont have detention.
i cant wait until things calm down a little.
i would appreciate normal so much more if i could just get back to it.
i hope raymond buys me lunch today, because im starving and broke.
i want a chicken sandwich =(
the principal of my school is a dumb bitch.
she keeps talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking.
dude...i have a mother. if i wanted a woman to gab my ear off id call her, seeing as how shes amazing at it.
my god shes amazing at talking...
i swear i spend half of my day listening to people talk, and the other half smoking. haha.
speaking of smoking, i left my cigarettes at home this morning, i have a long weekend ahead of me and i really dont have the money to be buying cigarettes to acccomodate my stress levels.
i really wish Mark wasnt a heroin addict.
why am i in love with a heroin addict?

Thursday, October 2, 2008

JaCk SkElLilNgToN

some random pictures i really liked.

Thursdays suck too.

so Mark has been talking to "Maurita" for a couple of days now. he seems to like her. i think im hiding the fact that its me pretty well. the other day he asked her what she was thinking.
maurita asked him how long its been since hes said i love you to someone and actually ment it.
he said a year and a half.
which leads me to believe that he doesnt mean it when he says it to me.
which hurts, yes.
but im not sure it's completely unexpected.
i cant change him.
i understand that.
now, anyway.
i called Justin at 1 this morning, he's getting better at the whole dominating thing.
i think he likes it. =)