ABC diet.

ok. so i have been thinking for a little while on how to lose the excess weight so i can get back to my old self. and i came up with the 50 day ABC diet.
but i could really use someones support.
so if youre interested in starting here in the next few days then i would really appreciate your support.
im really really really intent on losing the extra weight.
i used to be around 120
im up to 157 in the past 3 months.
im a fucking disgusting cow. even moreso now than 3 months ago.
and i REALLY need to get all of this off.
there have been people who have lost up to 20 lbs in the 50 days. so im gonna triple my time.
i wanna get down to 98 lbs as soon as i can.
so super strict restriction and low caloric intake, my gym membership, and lots of water are gonna get me there.
WILLPOWER, WILLPOWER, WILLPOWER.
if youre interested i will send you the list that i have of the different days and calorie intakes for those days. if youre ready for 150 days or even a few weeks i could really really really use the help.
im not at my best right now and i know that without someone pushing me i might not be strong enough to do it.
so im begging.
just drop me a comment.
please and thank you.

"why do you starve yourself?"

dylon and i have been having trust issues since he left.
which i dont guess is abnormal or anything, considering the fact that he now resides 800 miles away.
i got really dizzy at work yesterday, and almost passed out.
when i told dylon, he asked what i thought was wrong, and i said that i may have just forgotten to eat.
he said alright, but my concience (spelling???) was still on my ass about it.
so i told him about how ive been abusing diet pills. and i told him about how i have been intentionally starving myself for months now, and i told him about how i feel inferior to him.
and he cried.
and then we just had this conversation where everything came out.
he talked about something he did over the summer.
before we actually got together.
he told me about a cocaine habit that he had.
i asked him how many times he did it, and he said "i dunno...maybe 8, maybe 10, maybe 12"
i asked him "who did you do this with?"
and he asked "did i ever tell you about Eric?"
i shook my head, even though he couldnt see me.
"No"
Dylon took a deep breath, and sighed a little, and was silent for second.
"Eric was the only guy i have ever had sex with, in my entire life."
i wont lie, i was shocked, disgusted, and turned on all at the same time.
i mean, i stick my fingers down my throat and make myself throw up when i think that i have eaten too much, so who am i to judge, not to mention, i was in love with my ex girlfriend.
i sighed, and asked "how many times did you do it?"
he said "i can think of about 5 times, but it's more of the reason of why i did it. to get the cocaine more or less, but i wont say i didnt enjoy it."
my boyfriend had sex with another guy, and he liked it.
how am i supposed to feel about that? how am i supposed to react? what the hell am i supposed to say?
i just wanted to hold him.
i had never felt so close to someone as i had with him at that moment.
"Why do you starve yourself?" he asked, after he had finished telling me about all of this
then it was my turn to be silent.
i opened my mouth..."to be perfect for you."
so here we are, the girl with the eating disorder who abuses diet pills, and the binge drinking, recovering cocaine/pill addict.
but i like to think were more than just that.
im an artist, and he is so passionate about so many things.
he's so smart, and wise beyond his years.
and we find it in our hearts to care about each other.
and im in love with him.
for real this time.
and it feels like im floating on air.

eat me, drink me.

mY fElLoW cOmRaDeS:
Ok. So I hope that everyone’s weekend went well.
Mine went alright despite the fact that because I was bleeding from my crotch the entire weekend, I ate like a cow.
And I lost my cell phone on Friday in the bathroom of the school, and didn’t have it all weekend. It really sucked, like…whoa.
Lol.
But they found it and someone turned it in and I have it now,
It’s close to dying, but whatev.
Had like a million text messages, and some missed calls from my friend Jesse.
Anywho.
Been working everyday, it’s a pretty good deal, I’m always busy lately, and I really like that, I like staying busy.
Going over to crystal’s house this weekend, I think.
I think she wants me to bring a pizza with me.
Might pick up some popcorn or something.
Going insane.
Couldn’t stop eating all weekend. Finally managed to pull it together yesterday.
Gonna try to keep my caloric intake pretty low today.
Under 500 or so.
Ate a graham cracker for breakfast, and a few sips of milk, total-55 calories
Gonna eat some yogurt here in about an hour-total 110 calories
Maybe a cup of peaches-45 calories
Maybe…
Because id like to eat a grilled chicken salad for lunch, total-200 calories
Have baby carrots and half of a pickle in my bag, so I might stop at either Red Top or Whataburger and grab a salad.
Red Tops Chicken is less greasy,
So I might just do that.
Anywho.
My plan for today:
7:00: graham cracker-55
11:15 am: yogurt, diet coke-110
1:30 pm: grilled chicken salad? Half a pickle, serving of baby carrots, diet coke- 280
5:00 pm: half can of soup, diet coke- 60
Daily total- 505
From 6 pm to 10 pm : work
Note: NO SNACKING AT WORK!!!
Walk to and from work
Walk to the store after work
1000 jumping jacks (to get my heart rate up)
Maybe jog a few laps around the courtyard outside
Clean out car
If I get hungry after work, I’ll eat that cup of peaches and chew on some cinnamon gum.
Learned that it really helps the cravings, and makes it a hell of a lot easier to go without food.
My cinnamon gum, water, diet coke, and cigarettes are now my best friends.
That reminds me, I do need some more gum for tomorrow.
And I need to go and pay my cell phone bill.
Last night, after I got off of work (yesterdays food intake, a grilled chicken sandwich, extra pickles, easy mayo, and a taco) I had so much energy! I walked to the store, took trash back and forth to the dumpster about 3 times, swept and mopped the kitchen, danced a little, washed some clothes, and moved around a lot.
Felt really good about it.
Today will be even better
I know it will because I believe in myself.
I just have to retrain myself to go without so much food.
I’ll just have to restrict so much that my stomach cant take much more.
And if im really good this week, keep my caloric intake low.
And don’t eat anything all day before I go to crystal’s house.
I’ll allow myself some pizza and popcorn.
So then I have something to look forward to.
Think im gonna rent saw 5 and take it over there.
Cant wait to get another paycheck!!
This one should be pretty big.
Like…close to 400
But I have to wait until the fifth!
Dammit.
Lol
My eye really itches, but I don’t want to scratch because I look cute today and I don’t want to ruin it.
Spent a while putting on my eyeliner, and straightening my bangs and curling the rest of my hair, teasing it to curliness, and picking out a cute outfit
Black long-sleeved t-shirt
Kind of boot-cut, skinny jean type things with double cuffs and black converse.
Was driving this morning, and I was in the left hand turn lane, and the guy driving past me was so busy checking me out that he was hardly driving!!
Boosted my ego a little. Haha.
Ok,
So I have 192 dollars, and 60 of it has to go to my cell phone bill
10 in gas
And I still owe my mom dinner
But I think I’ll be giving her a rain check on that
Im going to make her wait until I have some money saved up to start paying her back.
Id like to have something to fall back on just in case this job doesn’t work out in the long run.
Figured I’d put the entirety of my paychecks into my savings account.
Transfer 10 or 20 into my checking,
And use that for my spending money to buy stuff at work and what have you .
Of course, I’ll still be draining my savings to buy things like food and cigarettes during school hours, like I always have.
But still…
Gonna try to build my savings back up.
And then start paying my mom. I get a paycheck on the 5th and 20th of each month.
Im working 6 days a week, and so…
We’ll say….what like….12 out of 15, say an average of 5 hours a day, minus one or two days….
Should have enough to pay back my mom in a few months.
Lots of math going on here today…
Anywho.
Have a wonderful day everyone!


update- took 7 relacores today and 2 ibprofen
downed with diet coke.
think it'll help me any?
me and my friend jessica are going on a diet together!
lol.

im a fat cow.

so i got hungry last night.
oh god did i get hungry.
double bacon cheeseburger on texas toast, grilled onions, a large french fry with ketchup, and a 44 oz diet coke.
i ate it all, even though i wasnt really hungry after about the first 4 bites.
i ate and ate and ate and ate and kept eating.
and there was absoloutely no purge afterwards.
my stomach is bloated and uncomfortable even the next day.
but the good news is i probably wont be hungry for anything all day today.
still havent gotten a chance to talk to dylon. dont know what im going to do.
to answer Jenna's question, not me anymore, but it used to be.
and what i will be again.
right now im a fat disgusting cow.
will update later.
mwuah!
xoxoxo
amybear

away in dreamland...

had the fuckin wierdest dream last night.

wierd, and disgusting.

im like...running around town to every restaraunt i can find,

pizza hut, the chinese place, mcdonalds...buying everything i can think of.

pizza, that pizza hut pasta stuff, every kind of chinese food i can think of, and a bag full of double cheeseburgers, and a whole bunch of diet coke.

theres this forest thing behind pizza hut in our town, privately owned, and has a sign that says "NO TRESSPASSING" right at the enterance,

ive been there a million times to do things that are illegal.

anyway, im carrying all of this food back there, and im sitting there just stuffing my face, both hands full of food, one bite after another, just stuffing, stuffing my face.

im opening 20 oz diet cokes one after another.

i eat and eat, and eat, until every bite of food is gone.

and then, i stand over all of the empty containers....

and press the reverse button.

i woke up this morning and felt happy and disgusting all at the same time.

im thinking i might be making this dream come true here soon.

im starving.