Wednesday, May 27, 2009

but will someday come too soon?

it's getting to the point where i dont even want to be away from him.
when im with him i dont worry about anything or anyone.
when im with him im smiling and happy.
when im with him the world is okay again.
when he is away from him i miss him.
i love spending every second of every day with him.
i love him more than i was supposed to.
it started out as just being sex.
i was just supposed to use him.
but now my heart belongs to him.
my heart is sad when he is away.
who needs food when i have a love like this?
who needs nourishment from eating when all i need is to lay in his arms to feel whole again?
i need him more than i should.
i love him so much.
i dont even know if he understands how much i think about him.
how sad i am when he isnt right next to me.
how much i hope he feels the same way.
i remember talking about mark, and justin, and dylon.
but this is different.
this is real.
this is everything ive ever needed and more...
much more.
not a whole lot has changed between us since yesterday.
we went to senior awards night together last night, and he watched me accecpt my scholarship for art.
then we went to walmart and played around.
we went and parked at the park in his neighborhood and he let me draw a walrus on his penis.
it was cute, it had big confused eyes, and long tusks, and a bowtie.
i leaned over him and began to kiss him.
and he started tugging at the waistband of my pants.
we had sex in the back of his car in a public park.
and i let him come inside of me...again.
we have talked about what we would do if i was pregnant.
he says he isnt ready to have a kid.
and neither am i.
so i think what i would do is just give the kid up for adoption.
maybe we could have a baby together,
maybe we could make a life with one another.
maybe im just being naive.
i dont really know.
he says he's pro-choice.
but im not sure i am.
if i were to get an abortion, i would have to kill myself afterwards, and i really dont want to die.
mathew said that if i killed myself, he would kill himself.
but what good would that do?
i dont want to kill a person.
and that is exactly what getting an abortion is.
i will just keep my fingers crossed and hope that im not pregnant.
part of me doesnt want to be...
but part of me is excited to be a mommy.
it's what ive wanted since i was a little girl, pushing my dolly around in a stroller and dressing her up in little outfits and pretending she was crying and feeding her and putting her in the sink for a "bath".
i love kids.
and i want them someday.
but will someday come too soon?
keep your fingers crossed for me ladies.
i love you all.
cant wait to read your comments.
think thin, stay strong.

1 comment:

  1. letting him come inside you is a bit rash and unthought through. your young and beautiful with your life ahead of you. having a child isn't something you can just what if about. hopefully it'll work out if you do become pregnant but if you give it up youll have to live with not being able to see YOUR child. and if you dont.. your kinda screwed for a little whilel. think it through first.