Friday, May 29, 2009

i hate myself for having no self control.

what i want more than anything is someone who can relate with me.
someone to call if i get hungry...
someone to go on fasts with and sit around and chug water with.
someone to exercise with.
someone to help me get back on my wagon.
i want someone who is just as screwed up as i am inside.
i want someone to share my dirty little secrets with.
i want someone to help me through these little voices in my head that keep telling me
"you can eat that, it's okay. mathew will love you even if you do get fat again. go ahead and order that, it's not a big deal."
i want an ana buddy.
i want someone to talk with about the lightheadedness and the hunger pangs and the fear of the scale.
i want someone with as much willpower and control as i used to have...
someone to lift me up.
someone to help me from falling.
i want a real friend.
i feel so lonely today
but then is just like every other day.
i see all of these perfect little girls with their hipbones sticking out, and their rib cages poking through their extra small tshirts, and i cant help but think that i want to be like them.
i want to be thin and beautiful just like the girls that seem to swarm around me every day.
making me feel huge and bloated compared to their perfect little bodies.
i want someone to share that with.
i hate myself for having no self control.
im disgusting.
i want ana to wrap her arms around me again and cradle me gently until she has squeezed all of the will to eat from me.
i want to lay in bed and listen to the sounds of my stomach growling.
that sound means im doing wonderfully.
i deserve every pound ive gained.
i deserve every night i spend sitting alone in my bed crying because i just finished eating and i feel so disgusting.
i deserve every notch in the belt that ive had to losen up.
some people are born perfect.
and others have to die to make themselves that way.
i am not perfect.
i am the opposite of perfect.
i am the fat girl with no self control who fell off the wagon so long ago that i would break it if i decided to jump back on.
so maybe i should step lightly
ease myself back into it.
i dont want to do this alone.
i need the support of a girl who is just as fucked up as i am.
i want to be perfect.
i need help.


  1. i feel the exact same way
    its kinnda scary

  2. i feel the same way too... your not on your own.

  3. you are not alone sweetie! the interwebs are full of solace and girls who feel just like you. i'm here, starving, purging, writing just like you. i hate the way i feel more often than not just as much as you.

    i've been reading your blog for a bit. please, go to college. far from home. you will meet new people. new loves, new hope. your family problems will be flattened by a workload and you'll feel a new kind of lonely that will make you want to call home. i've been there. i've done it. take some time and distance yourself from everything. also, it's way easier to forget to eat when you have a shit ton of homework and a whole new bustling social life.