Friday, October 26, 2012

some days the sky is grey...

my kitty came back :)
he was gone for the worst 27 hours of my life. it felt like someone had taken away little pieces of my heart.

but he's back now so all is well.

i know it has been a while since my last post...i just feel like a complete cheater  blogging about how i want to lose weight for my wedding and how i wish i had willpower but then doing nothing about it. i feel like ive failed myself. im in this deep black hole and i dont know if i will ever be able to come back.

i hate myself for giving up. for letting my body blow up like it has. i look at myself every day in the mirror and wonder what it is that Dennis sees in me. how he can tell me how beautiful i am when i look like a troll that belongs under a bridge somewhere. who would want to marry me?

my self confidence is a major issue in our relationship. im constantly paranoid that he is going to find someone that is prettier or skinnier or someone who likes to go out in public and drop me like a hot potato.

he keeps telling me how beautiful and wonderful i am...and i can he say that? doesnt he see what i see every day?  a huge, disgusting blob of fat and flubber that doesnt deserve to live or be loved?

i just know that if i cant get myself under control, accomplish the goals that i have set for myself and have been putting off and avoiding because i am a fat lazy piece of shit with no willpower, that my relationship with him is going to suffer greatly because of it.

i remember when i had self confidence, when i could put on just about anything in my closet and feel beautiful even with no make up on. now i can spend three or four hours getting ready and still feel like a monster.

i am sorry that i have let everyone down and that i have now become a pathetic loser.
i am sorry that i can not have as much self control as all of you.
i am sorry i am so ugly and disgusting.

i dont deserve to be happy.


1 comment:

  1. Hey sweetie. I know exactly how you feel. You are not a loser or a failure. He loves you so much and I honestly believe that he must see something different than you do. My bf is always saying that stuff and I never believe him. But sometimes I think he must see me differently. Sometimes we just feel like total shit when all self control goes out the window. I love all of your posts and to me you sound beautiful. Sometimes self control takes a long time to master. Start small maybe and go from there.

    You are beautiful! <3 Feel better :)