Wednsday (my tummy hurts)

ok, so i finally got miss flo

or aunt flo, or whatever you wanna call it.

Anyway, she's here.

i had been freaking out, and even went as far as to buy a pregnancy test!

it came out negative, however.

i still have one more left, just in case i guess.

i keep it in a box on my headboard along with all of the other things i dont want anyone to see.

my cigarettes, lighter, pills, lotion, and...other things...

maybe i should add to the box a package of condoms?

might be the smart thing to do.

i got to watch half of the Sex and the City movie last night, we bought it right after it came out, but i was too busy talking to mark to watch all of it.

hes making me fall in love with him...

and then theres justin,

who got his phone turned back on this morning, and called me to wake me up.

i think hes starting to annoy me...

i feel bad because he's just...not my type.

Mark, on the other hand.

i had a dream about him.

hes an art teacher at my school, were married, and im pregnant with his baby. Were doing everything possible to keep people from knowing so he doesnt lose his (second) job. (on top of the whole graphic design artist thing...which, by the way, is sexy as hell-o). anyway, after a little while, were walking down the hall together, and he grabs my hand, and pushes me onto the wall of the hallway, and just starts kissing and biting me everywhere

"i dont want to hide us anymore, i love you amy"

....and then i woke up....

a sad state of affairs.

so far my senior year of high school has consisted of nothing but heartbreak and confusion...

and then there's Mark.

who one day can make me so happy i could scream, and then my heart is ripped from my chest by his bare hands.

he plays with it, but he has yet to completely break it.

im not sure he understands the gravity of my situation.

"now i cant have sex with any other girls, because ill feel like im cheating on you."

what am i supposed to take from that?

are we together?!?!?!

im beginning to feel guilty for using Justin.

and that is what it feels like...using him.

but im not sure i can give it up just yet, im not ready.

im in love with mark, but he's no guarantee.

he's sick, and he doesnt know the complete truth about me.

Justin on the other hand, he's sweet, and safe, and he loves me, and he knows everything about me, i wish i could just pick one already!

if i pick mark, my heart will eventually end up broken,

and if i pick Justin, i wont be completely happy.

because i dont love him, and i know that.