It's Beginning to Feel a Lot Like...

Well, D is off to work and i'm here by myself, watching (gasp) Jersey Shore.
They're fighting. Again.
The big one is all fucked up on that HGH and the Situation is all pain pilled out and they're about to go insane on each other.
And we are supposed to future of America?
Our children?

We decided not to spend all of our money on our nieces and nephews this year. The year before last we bought for D's four nieces and nephew, and then last year we spent a small fortune on my five nieces and nephew.

yeah, that's nine. From just my brother and his sister.
our siblings are fertile.

So I think he's gonna freak on Christmas morning :)
Honestly, after I was about 13 and my brother was moved out and it was just me and my mom, Christmas at our house was pretty bleak. It got to where we stopped putting up a tree or anything. My mom was going blind and couldn't see to drive around christmas shopping.

But after I found D, and he was so enthusiastic about the Holidays i started to find my Christmas spirit again. Even my mom was getting in on it.

I'm really excited to spend an entire week on Christmas vacation with him, and after Christmas we get to lay down the wood flooring our lanlord bought for our house :)

We've been talking about cutting back on the cigarettes, drinking, and crap so that we can get a new car. I'm         just tired of being broke because we're inviting over friends and entertaining three or four nights a week and buying alcohol, not to mention the pack of cigarettes we each smoke every day. I've been a pack a day smoker since i was 13 so...8 years, and i'm ready to quit so I can be around for a while. I don't want to have lung cancer, or not be able to do simple things because I can't breathe : /

So we'll see how the New Year's Resolution works.

Hope all is well in your homes.
Happy Holidays :)

xoxoxo
Daisy <3 nbsp="nbsp" p="p">

The Last Week On Earth...

Hey Beautiful Ladies,

I've been doing my Christmas shopping, getting ready for the day we might not even see. Wouldn't that suck if i'm spending all of my money to get presents and decorations and shit for Christmas and the fiery gates of Hell open up on the 21st?

Thinking about throwing an End of the World Party, inviting over everyone we know and just getting drunk as fuck. Could be fun, We'll see.

Working in the morning, godda get up early.

This Be The LAST Pain I Suffer

So in September D's "stepsister"came to see us for her 21st birthday and I went through all of this trouble to make her feel welcome in my home and try to be nice to her. She spent all of this time doing absoloutely nothing but talking about herself, all of this new make up she bought, her upcoming trip to las vegas, her, her, her, her until i was ready to shoot myself. Finally about eleven i decided it was time to turn in because i had work early the next morning.

 I have to admit that i was suspicious even before i went to sleep that night, leaving my boyfriend and this non-blood related female alone with a cooler full of beer. This was his chance to prove to me that he could be trusted.

About four in the morning i was woken up by the sound of my front door slamming and someone saying "I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette" I waited and waited and waited and didnt hear anything, no talking or noises on the front porch, where we smoke. so i decided to go investigate.

No one was in the house. No one was on the front porch. I sat and smoked a cigarette...and still didnt see anyone.

Where was everyone?

I went inside and walked through the house to the back door, which looks out onto the driveway.
I turned on the back porch light and walked out toward D's truck in the driveway. I heard D yell "Not Good,  Not Good!" as he saw me walking up toward the truck.
And guess who i found all twisted up together in the front seat?

D was trying to zip up his pants, and That Stupid Cunt was trying to cover up the fact that she didn't have any pants on. Both were so drunk that they could barely stand up from all of the swaying and wobbling they were doing. Neither could look me in the eye.

My heart was completely shattered. It felt like he had ripped it from my chest and stomped it into tiny specks of dust on the driveway.

How could this person, to whom i'd given my heart and dedicated my entire life, betray me like this? What about all of the times he'd sworn to be good to me and treat me right? What about the life we'd created together in this new house? Didn't any of that matter?

When i tried to ask her who the hell she thought she was, coming to my house and fucking my boyfriend behind my back like some order-by-the-hour whore, she took an ill-aimed swing at my face. So i proceeded to wrap my hand in her nappy ass hair and throw all two hundred and fifty pounds of her disgusting body to the ground. i punched her a couple of times and slapped the shit out of her. I don't even really remember what else happened between the last minutes of our altercation and when she ran off crying. From what i heard she threw up all over herself and passed out in a ditch.

Yes, every word of this story is true. It's more than three months later and i still think about it every day. We are working on my trust issues and rebuilding our relationship. I thought getting married would fix everything. But have since decided that it would be smarter to wait a while. So the wedding plans have been postponed for now. I still love him. I know it sounds stupid. but i really, in my heart, feel like he is a good guy who made a completely retarded drunken mistake.

I will continue to work on trusting D. I have been hurting a lot these last few months. Things in my head have flip-flopped and have been turned all inside out and backwards.

Chewing my own limb off to escape...

I know that it's been a long time since i've posted. most of my followers have left blogger by now anyway. i'm thinking i might start over again, completely revamp, let go of the past. I have to get past all of the issues and get my self confidence back.

I need a change. to commit to bettering myself. i just dont think i've taken it as seriously as i might should have. I'm in a hole.

Things have been even harder since I caught Dennis cheating on me in September. That killed any self confidence i may have had.

I still love my page, I just think i should maybe...change it up a little.

I guess if i want people to read i should post every once in a while, eh?

To all of you that are still reading i'd really like to thank you for your support and feedback. I know that here recently it's been a lot of whining and complaining.

I got my grades back for the semester today, an A in psychology and a B in Algebra. I'm switching to full time for the next semester so i'm really hoping it won't be overload with my job and taking care of my house and family.

I'm excited to grow and change and mature. I'm really looking forward to starting a career in the chemical plant and getting benefits.

I'm planning a wedding and i cant wait to start my own family. Life seems like it should be perfect, but it's just the fact that i cant look myself in the mirror that keeps me from being as happy as i should be.

I'm just ready to show Dennis that the girl that he met three years ago is still here, and that she still loves him even if she is broken and lost somewhere inside of this...thing that i've become.

this isn't me. I'm so scared that I'm going to let this hold me back from being the person i know that i can become. It's a terrifying thought, that i'm going to be stuck in this...fat suit that i've put on.

I don't want to be trapped here.

some days the sky is grey...

my kitty came back :)
he was gone for the worst 27 hours of my life. it felt like someone had taken away little pieces of my heart.

but he's back now so all is well.

i know it has been a while since my last post...i just feel like a complete cheater  blogging about how i want to lose weight for my wedding and how i wish i had willpower but then doing nothing about it. i feel like ive failed myself. im in this deep black hole and i dont know if i will ever be able to come back.

i hate myself for giving up. for letting my body blow up like it has. i look at myself every day in the mirror and wonder what it is that Dennis sees in me. how he can tell me how beautiful i am when i look like a troll that belongs under a bridge somewhere. who would want to marry me?

my self confidence is a major issue in our relationship. im constantly paranoid that he is going to find someone that is prettier or skinnier or someone who likes to go out in public and drop me like a hot potato.

he keeps telling me how beautiful and wonderful i am...and i wonder...how can he say that? doesnt he see what i see every day?  a huge, disgusting blob of fat and flubber that doesnt deserve to live or be loved?

i just know that if i cant get myself under control, accomplish the goals that i have set for myself and have been putting off and avoiding because i am a fat lazy piece of shit with no willpower, that my relationship with him is going to suffer greatly because of it.

i remember when i had self confidence, when i could put on just about anything in my closet and feel beautiful even with no make up on. now i can spend three or four hours getting ready and still feel like a monster.

i am sorry that i have let everyone down and that i have now become a pathetic loser.
i am sorry that i can not have as much self control as all of you.
i am sorry i am so ugly and disgusting.

i dont deserve to be happy.

daisy.

my kitty :[

i dont think ive ever been so depressed in my life.
my kitty is missing.
my uncle, who has been staying with us, went outside this morning at about 3 and he ran outside and hid under my car parked in the driveway, and my uncle knew and he went back to bed.
my stupid retard of an uncle left my declawed house cat alone outside at 3 in the morning.
weve been looking all day. ive been walking around the neighborhood putting up flyers and calling him and shaking his treats.
what if hes hurt? what if hes lost and he cant find his way home?
im so scared. i havent stopped crying since this morning.
i just want my kitty back.
i cant stop thinking about when we got him 3 years ago and he was so tiny and adorable and he used to snuggle with me in my bed and try to nurse on my ear in his sleep. i remember him riding around in the car with me. i remember him never leaving my side any time i was sick or depressed.
i miss him so much. its like having my heart ripped out and stomped on. i cant sleep. i feel like if i go to sleep and i stop looking even for a few minutes ive given up on him.
i have to get up at 4 to go look for him. i cant leave him outside.

what am i going to do????

going to take a minute to be very blunt and honest.
the only reason i am nervous to get married is because im terrified that i wont reach my goal weight before i walk down the aisle.
im nervous to try on dresses and feel sick that im disgusting and fat and ugly. im scared that i wont ever want to look at my wedding pictures. i just feel so sick with myself.

i just want my wedding day to be the happiest day of my life. getting to profess my love to dennis and commit myself to him in front of all of our friends and family. and i just know that i will only be thinking about how fat and disgusting i look in front of everyone if i dont work my ass off this next year to make myself beautiful.

i will do my absolute best.
i will work out every single day
i will eat only when necessary
i will focus on myself more
i will be gorgeous on my wedding day :)


think beautiful ladies
will update the more i get done

xoxo
daisy <3 p="p">